Wired Differently!

There's nothing left of me cause you thrown me away like yesterdays trash. You drop a bomb into my life and then tell me you want space. How am I supposed to process that? How am I supposed to move on? I trusted the words you spoken. Only silence and you broken the trust of the life you told me I was worth yet then I look into the mirror and I see the opposite of what you see.

You can't expect me to walk this path alone. I came from broken then you promised to raise me up to turn around and smash me on the ground. I feel like I'm losing my way. My heart dragged through this emotional train of despair because you put me there. I just want to retreat from this place because all it's doing is getting me burnt.

Why? Why did you put me here? Why did you even help me? Why knowing you would turn around and destroy the very part of my soul that was healing? I don't understand and I'm trying to find answers to all this chaos because I'm here searching for the meaning of it all. Why you even cared?

How do you expect I would take this news? So confused and I'm trying to fight the voices within. Each day it's a new day and I don't think I'll ever be the same. I don't think I can open up the possibility that what happened will ever change. Broken with my shattered dreams.

You have to give me time to process all of this. I have to fight that once was and look through this with deepen sympathy. Hear my heart because it's crying for you. I'm not angry and I don't know if I can be. I'm just feeling like I wasn't worth enough for you to tell me the truth.

I feel conflicted because my work is to expose men for who they really are. This is where my journey leads me but every time I want to follow my path I get slammed against the wall with your face staring back at me. How hard that must feel for me to be the one who's causing you so much of your pain.

Here I am feeling the raw emotions of fighting back the urge to run. I'm fighting my old life, fighting the feelings of the voices of shame. The voices of blame. The voices of who I never meant to be. This is what you are doing to me and I sit in silence while life going on. Life is moving forward and I'm sitting here fighting with the voices within. Yes, we all need space to process this pain. Yes, we all need time for healing.

I just want to scream my heart out at you. Darkness is creeping in and it's crippling me and I don't want to go back there but you put me there with the exposure of who you really are. Is this my story? I don't think I can live like this. Throw me off this train and let me go because I'm asking you to. On the day we cross our paths again we'll be strangers within the sea of people. You don't hear me no more and that means I got my freedom to dust off the pain

It's my voice of freedom and I can follow my heart song once again. I don't know if that place darkness wants me is really in me. I think circumstance wants to put me there but someday I will look back to see my life's song during this time was never meant to be mine but was meant to be yours.

I have my dreams and I'll keep fighting for what's keeping me going. I don't know where I'll be going but I do know this I'll get past the pain and while I'm sitting here I'll be looking forward because no one will keep me here trying to push me into the darkness again.

I have figuring out to do because I'm wired differently then you. Take care, Peace!

When Darkness slips in!

I am so sleep deprived because last night every time I fell asleep my mind went places so I was up most of the night. I think over all I had about 2 hours of horrible sleep plus the kids are home from school today because of some teacher conference.  So I'm not a coffee drinker but I"m serious of brewing me up several pots of it to keep the caffeine going.

The kids are up playing in there rooms so I have some time to reflect, pray and try not to fall apart like I kept doing yesterday but my heart is sad, it's breaking and I can't reach out and it's really bothering me. I just want to head over to my friends house and tell them my family loves his family. We are here supporting him and will keep supporting him. I want to tell him my journey is giving awareness to minor sex trafficking here in the USA and what I do doesn't mean I'm trying to hurt him.  I want to tell him his weakness doesn't define him. I want to tell him how sorry I am because all the posts I had on Facebook wasn't something he wanted to see all the time especially what he was doing was the very thing I was exposing. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to destroy him or expose his weakness. I didn't know and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!

I hope he responses to my card I sent him. I hope he reaches back because our stories crossed for a reason.    It can't just be this. Oh man, my heart is breaking like waves come over me and I can't breath. I can't apologize for following my own journey but the pain deep within my soul is crying out and the tears reach the surface and I know I have to move on believing he's safe and Leaders of the Church are taking care of him. I have to believe he's on the road to healing and I have to believe this will not swallow me whole and not let darkness in and at times, I'm afraid it all ready has.

I would feel so much better if I knew he was okay. I don't like the unknown and I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him he's loved. Just because I'm an Advocate for Sex Trafficking doesn't mean I see him differently.

Man, I just want to call him up, I want to send him a Text Message, I want to send his wife a Text Message and I just want to send him an email but at the Emergency Church Meeting his family wants some space so I have to respect their wishes.

I thought the Abortion debate was hard enough but this just tops the cake. I didn't expect this news. It wasn't even on my radar of things to be an issue but here it is facing me. Yes, it's facing me staring right at me expecting me to react to the news like it's waiting for me to move. Will I fall apart or will I rise to the difficulty? I don't even know. My lack of sleep is swaying me all over the place good and bad. Maybe I'll leave it at that and go take care of my children. I just know, I got Jesus this time. Take Care, Peace!