My Happy Place!

I GOT TO SEE CHRIS TOMLIN..........TWICE!! Music is my happy place. When life hurts I turn to music and I allow it to swallow me whole. I have surrounded myself with music so it be on my phone, my computer, and in my car and when I can't handle my difficulties I put on my headphones and I surrender myself to let my pain  listen.

I would have to say I have leaned more onto Chris Tomlin's music the most. I have been blessed to see him in Concert twice and the last time I was so close I could hear him breath. That's not creepy or anything but I  had an awesome seat and the night was amazing.

The last few months have been great because I've had more dates with my husband during the day while the kids have been in school. It's been difficult for my whole family and we got each other and no matter what this Church throws at us we're together and our family will always come first.

Music has helped with my brokenness and I turn to it so I can remember what happiness looks like. So I can remember all the good in the world and remember all the good times I had. This year has thrown me some massive shit and I kid you not it has hurt as hell. I have been emotionally beaten this year and I'm ready for a vacation, a White Flag moment to regroup cause I've been getting hit in the crossfire. Talk about Causality of War so yes, I need a break from all that stuff.

Oh Well, my music is bringing me to where I'm supposed to be not where other people think I should be. I'm on solid ground today because I'm in my happy place. Take care, Peace!

To ease my suffering!

The one thing about going to Therapy I'm learning to look at my feelings and understand some emotions isn't a sign of weakness. Last night I read something and it sparked within me that I get it. You know I wanted to be strong in February and I didn't want to get mad because I felt that meant I didn't care for this person or could support him cause I got mad. I'm learning that's not the case. I held onto my suppressed anger from this situation way to long because I was afraid to let it out.

I'm so angry my heart burns because this person betrayed my trust. He sprang news into my soul and then left like what the fuck was that? Nothing and I'm supposed to sit and wait until he decides to contact people. Relationships are not one sided. I'm happy he's moving on but this wait and see is what's killing me and maybe it's that part of me that doesn't like surprises, the part that hates waiting and that part that likes to be prepared. I don't know but I think it's hard to sit and wait to see if he truly cared. I think that's the hardest for me. Did he really care?

I shared the night I was raped and how it destroyed me. The only person I shared that night with was my husband so to me opening up and talking about what I went through was massive. I also talked about having an abortion because I got pregnant from being raped. In the Christian Community, having an abortion you're not very popular and so talking to my Pastor's about why I was leaving the Church and I had enough of my silent abuse. They convinced me of staying within our Church so I stayed because what they said sounded good. Two weeks later I was sitting in my Lead Pastor's Living room hearing from my site Pastor's reason for leaving and stepping down. Then the shock of giving them the respect of not contact them while they are healing. What the fuck? I'm sorry because I'm angry about that. I may process my thoughts differently than the norm but that totally rocked my world and then having no contact with him or his family I was deeply hurt again. That hurt the most for me. Only Silence!

I truly do not like having PTSD but there is nothing I can do about that. My brain is truly wired differently and sometimes my reactions are not of my control. Last Tuesday at our Monthly Leadership meeting for our Church our second location the Leadership decided to close up shop and regroup. My Westside team worked so hard and in two weeks we're done, just like that. A lot of my pain is under the surface so when I'm reacting to stuff people only see one side of things. In public I'm a closed off machine but behind closed doors I'm a mess. All my senses going off at once, my anxiety is on fire and all I want to do is to escape with drugs and alcohol. That's pissing me off too because my husband won't buy me my alcohol. I hate my addictions. In this situation it would be so nice to have had a prescription to Ativan or something. It would be nice to not be able to think for awhile.

What tears me apart is they didn't trust me enough to be there friend and I could have been there but they choose not too. I'm angry because I gave blood and tears for this Church and for what? Nothing! It just breaks my heart and as much as I'm so angry my heart hurts and I'm sad what went down and I'm trying to search for the happiness in all this. All I can do right now is try and that's all I can do and mourn the loss of something I had no control over. Tomorrow may change and all I can do is move on! Take care, Peace!

keep it together, sort of!

I keep my emotions at bay because freaking out is what you do behind doors and staying cool during difficulty I feel is a strength so when I lose it like start crying in public to me, that's a weakness. I have a lot of situations I feel when I lose it is a weakness. I don't like showing weakness so when I do I beat myself up but this last situation I'm starting to not give a care which to me is another weakness. I promised myself I would treat people with kindness, love people for who they are in life and be kind because that's who I want to be so when my heart is losing the desire to love people that worries me. I don't want to be that person who doesn't care for people, who doesn't want to be a blessing to someone.

The Church my family is apart of is a little over 2 years and we've been serving within the walls of this Church from the beginning. I've been dealing with its bullshit far longer than I should. I have been broken, destroyed and torn down to nothing by the behavior, the selfishness and emotional draining to nothing by a large percentage of the rest of the body of Christ within this Church. I stood my ground and I fought hard to keep moving forward. I serve within this Church because Jesus has asked me too. I stayed but within my heart I was hurting, I was using everything I got to be what Jesus has asked me to be. I cry in silence and I look back and look at my life the last 2 years and I'm tired of the bullying, the feeling like I'm alone, silent pain no one understands but me.

I had a Pastor who by his actions messed me up pretty bad and I guess the good thing I got out of that situation is I was diagnosed with PTSD. I also realized that "Love" is just a word because I know when my Husband says it, it's coming from the depth of his heart and I believe him, I know Jesus Love's me but when these Church folks say it, I call bullshit. You don't come into my life say you care and love me then turn around and rip the very being from me, then not have any contact with me, no apology, no reaching out, and no action to say I want to be your friend.

When I was going through one of the hardest times in my Church Life there was no one. No one came and asked me how I was doing, no phone calls, no emails, no notes to reach out and give me Love. Give me something and for what? I stay because Jesus asked me to stay. Asked me to love these people even though I was hurting so bad the pain just kept coming, to want to love, and not one time did I feel like I belonged.

It makes my heart cry out when I read on Facebook all these posts about faith, fear and not having faith if I don't do this but I don't trust Jesus if I crumble in fear so whatever! No one understands how much I rely on Jesus and how much I suffer for him in spite of my difficulties and I keep walking into that Church ready to serve my Savior, the one who died for me because he loved me that much and he asked me to reach out to my community for help to save these girls within the evil world of Sex Trafficking.

I am hurting and sometimes I have asked myself why do I put up with this crap and the last 2 years Church has been hell for me. I don't trust anyone within the walls of my Church even includes the Leadership and the longer I stay the longer I wonder how strong I can stand up from this heartache  Jesus stands for me, he gives me strength and every time I feel like giving up he gets me strength because even though these people are God's Children too and they are loved just like me even though some of them act like bitches, I stay because of Him.

When I behave like I'm not wanting to care for people that makes me feel like I'm the bitch, I'm not a nice person, I'm just as bad as they are. I beat myself up for thinking all of that and who am I? I understand why no one likes me, why on the surface it's all nice and I'm not approachable, not worth it like other people and I have to fight it harder to be worthy. Jesus tells me different but in my heart is broken and one day I wish I could be seen for who I am then what people think I am.

I'm so frustrated, my mind is on overdrive, my thoughts all confusing, my heart hurting and for what? To feel alone in God's Church. I'm tired and one thing I learned from all this I have cried for him and I understand why he died for me, I truly do. I need his love to live! Take care, Peace!

The hard road!

What's my mission? It's exposing the horror of Human Trafficking here within the boundaries of the United States of America and what it looks like. It's not like the Movie Taken where girls are being grabbed off the streets. It's more intimate then that. It's more evil, more manipulative and more darker then people realize.

These girls are chosen into the business of the sex industry. No girl at the age of 13 chooses to be a prostitute, or a stripper. No girl at the age of 18 asks to be someone's bitch and to do sexual acts in some hotel room. They are chosen by pimps because they befriend these girls and gives them the idea of a dream that they desire. They feed into the life of the dream and these men know how to make these girls fall for it by being everything these girls need in a false hope these men provide them. They become the boyfriends, they become the person these girls need and the moment the line is crossed they have gotten them into doing what the men want by breaking them and these girls are never the same again. They are lured into the sex industry and some are lost to the business forever.

My job is to expose them, take them out of hiding so less girls are at risk to men like pimps, men who are buyers and men who think abusing girls is normal. The community needs to wake up because this is happening right now and a child is at risk to the horror of Human Trafficking and it's happening in our communities.

My job is to get more people aware so laws can be changed to protect this girls then have them be more victimized by the system then they already have been. This girls are not prostitutes but are prostituted children. Their is a difference and we should treat them as such because the moment we don't we have lost them to the system. We have lost their trust and we're making them into criminals and the criminals are the pimps and buyers not these girls.

My job is also finding funds to open safe houses for these girls so they can get back on their feet and get the support they need in a place of healing. The United States don't have many houses like this. That's a problem in my eyes. No girl needs to feel like no one cares about them. We need to love these girls and show them that their are healthy ways to live. They need to understand they have value and to do this they need houses away from the evil to get them back onto their feet. They are not victims but survivor's and they should have support .

I have a lot of jobs and with determination I will forge through and my hope is to save more children from the horror's of the sex industry. Sometimes I feel like I'm not making a dent but I have to remember this will take time and the more people I talk to about Sex Trafficking the more people will open up and then they will talk about it. We can end this child abuse to our children. It could be your child, your neighbor's kid and with knowledge we can save our kids from men who think they can use them for their sick games. I have hope! Take care, Peace!