We got in the Program!!!

Yes, I've been so worried the last couple of days. The son had his Early Intervention evaluation today. It lasted two hours and questions upon questions while the son played and finally near the end got the good news he got in the program. We start sometime around the middle of October. His case worker will come to the house a few times a month. I don't have to worry anymore and I'm so glad he will get the help he needs to help him talk. He did really well in other area's of his development and when he turns 3 he will be evaluated again for Early Childhood Special Education. Things are looking up for him getting the best support. I can only do so much and having a professional coming to work with him I'm hoping to see some improvements in the coming year. He's my little buddy and I want the best for him. I'm so so Happy!!! Take care, Peace!!!

Speech Early Intervention!!

We noticed when the son was 18 months old he wasn't doing his regular baby babble that most babies do. We went to see his Pediatrician because at this time we didn't know what was normal. The daughter was talking in small sentences at 18 months and apparently she was advanced for her age so we got concerned. The Pediatrician recommended we see a Speech Pathologist so there we went for our first evaluation and that was almost a year ago. She's been working with him and the son definitely had some problems talking. Last August he had surgery on his tongue and he has improved some but not where he needs to be. He has his County Early Intervention appointment this coming Thursday and I'm so hoping he gets into the program so he can catch up. He's 2 1/2 and some kids do talk late but his speech therapist thinks he needs the help and it has nothing to do with talking late but he's having problems pronouncing the words. Right now he's only saying less than 10 words. I'm just praying he can get the help he needs and the County thinks he's worth helping in his development so he has a better chance to talk like kids his own age. Take care, Peace!!

Continuing working the program!!

Well things are better and once I finished the last post I went and ate something. I know it's alarming but I don't think I could not eat on purpose anymore like I used to before I got therapy. I'm going through a rough patch but I think I was over analyzing the situation and got myself all in a fluster the other day. I tend to do that but when something is bothering me I tend to over react and I'm working on it. Man, I feel silly but now I know I still have things to work on and that's a good thing. I'm learning not everything has to be trauma. Well this is an update post from the other days post. This post will be short because Wednesdays are my very long days because the hubby comes home real late so I don't get that extra support and help with the kids especially when I'm not completely 100% better. Today was just crazy with my daughter having school and my son having his speech therapy appointment. I know that is nothing to some people's schedules but to me today drained a lot of energy out of me and I'm so deadbeat tired I have to go to bed so I can be refreshed for tomorrow. Life is actually good but sometimes you have to get over small bumps or try to heal old wounds. Take care, Peace!!!!!

Just one of those struggles!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I have some serious blues and I can't figure out why until I was sitting on my couch this morning worrying about my weight. Man, sometimes I wish I didn't have an Eating Disorder and I can just have my thoughts without my thoughts tainted by destruction and self pity. The last time I went to the Doctor back in July she said I had to gain some weight and I was like Hell no. I will not gain weight on purpose. Okay, I maybe underweight to everyone else but to me I could lose more weight but you know I have a hard time with the word weight. When it comes up I just want to crawl in a hole and not have to think about it and hopefully if I don't acknowledge it maybe somehow it will just go away. I don't like dealing with things which are hard for me to handle but this morning I'm freaking out about my weight. I tried to eat some food this morning and something I enjoy eating but I couldn't put it in my mouth like it was diseased and the most grossest thing in the world. I tried some fruit but no I just couldn't touch the stuff. I haven't eaten anything today and I really don't feel like eating and that alarms me. I'm so frustrated with myself. I understand I should just eat something and what's the big deal but to me and anyone who has ever dealt with this disease knows that's the hardest thing to do is just go eat something. It's like the fear of heights. The anxiety level right now is through the roof as we speak. I want to be real about this and sometimes when I feel like this I want to go hide my head in shame and close myself off to the world. This is my shame, my pain and my dirty little secret but I know by just running away from it all isn't going to help me any or my family. I need to talk about it and just let my feeling fly free so it's out their and then I will have to be accountable to this disease. I feel like I'm in transition because I can go months not being bothered by my eating disorder and than BAM it's in my face making me feel so insecure and then I want to just cry. I want to cry and I don't want to deal with this but I know it's important to because this bump in the road isn't going to fix itself if I just ignore it. Man, I wonder why I put myself in my own self drama because it hurts? It's like the time I used to be a self cutter. I know I never talked about that time in my life before and it's the first time I even mentioned it. I don't think my close friends or family even know about that but hey, I'm keeping it real so it's out their now. When I used to self cut the release of self pain felt so good. I enjoy conflicting pain on myself like it was my own satisfaction and I looked at it as Look, you can't hurt me like I can hurt myself. I know that's twisted thinking but when you lived my life and was treated the way my parents treated me you kind of get a little dysfunctional. It was like I was releasing the intense pain I was feeling in my heart. I was in my early twenties when I started with self cutting and it ended as quick as it started. As much as it felt good in the moment I was afraid I would get caught and it was so different then getting caught being confronted with an eating disorder because you can deny and deny you have an eating disorder but with self cutting you leave evidence behind. You can't deny self cutting no matter how hard you try to hide it. I guess I'm just trying to say is I want to conflict pain on myself and years past I did this to just feel something. What I want to feel right now is my guess. I know it's something serious because I don't get in this state for no reason. Maybe in the next couple of days I will figure this all out so I can get back on my path of healthy living. Take care, Peace!!!

One year later!!!

It's been almost a year since I started this blog. It's been a year since I decided to start an online blog which I have been neglecting these last few months but like I said before I haven't had that much to say. My daughter starts school on Wednesday and my family has been sick for the last week and I'm starting to feel the pressure and I'm almost down for the count. I seriously need a vacation and November better come quickly because I'm losing my cool and frankly I love my cool so when I'll slowly losing it I find that pretty disheartening. I'm not that nice to be around when I lose it so seriously I need a break. I think the in-laws are going to babysit this weekend so the hubby and I can take a short break for one night. Looking back reflecting on my one year anniversary I have learned a lot about myself and the hardship I shared about my past to where I am today. It's been a wonderful journey and life is good even though the little things can drive me crazy it really has been a good time in my life. I am blessed to be me and I love my family so much. My children are the best even when they can drive me up the wall to no end. What is life if your children can't drive you crazy at times? It's part of life and their are days where I feel like a broken record or days when I feel like pulling out the little hair I have left or flustered when the kids are screaming in my ear when I'm trying to cook dinner or breaking up fights between the two kids but it's all in the name of life and family. The best days are when at the end of the day I feel like I have failed as a mother and my children curl up with me on the couch and gives me the biggest hugs and kisses they can give. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a mother but then I have to remember all I can do is be the best I can be and think realistically that not everyday will be good and not everyday will be a bad but enjoy the time you have in the moment. I shared so much of myself this past year from talking about eating disorders, telling you about my crush on Joe Flanigan, talking about my family to expressing myself with my thoughts even though I got a few emails from strangers saying I talk to much about private matters. Oh well, then don't read my blog is all I have to say to them. I talked about my health problems and right now I may have a cold the last few months have been getting better. I don't have that many Doctor's appointments and I'm going every three months for blood work so it's better. I have more energy to get things done and I'm not struggling on a daily basis so life is great or more to the truth it's wonderful. Thank you for coming on my journey with me. Take care, Peace!!!