Medical problems are a pain in my ass!!

I should be sleeping right now but I like to conflict pain onto myself and if I went to bed I would have thoughts running all crazy up in there in what I call my brain so I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so here I am tired like a crazy person. Sometimes I would love to live in my happy place where I don't have any medical problems what so ever!! I don't remember the last time I felt normal. Anemia, low blood pressure and everything else I have piled onto my life which runs me down to where I just want to sit in a corner and cry is just something I keep trying to remind myself I have no control over. It's something I have to live with and learn to deal. I have to deal and most of the time I just deal but there are other times like most of the time I'm trying to figure out how to deal. It's so hard and being run down I just have to bitch about it. Bitching about it feels damn good. So I'm getting tired of this yo-yo cold I've been fighting since Halloween. It could be the piggie flu but who knows but when I think I've recovered it comes back full force. I have a good day where I can actually breath to the next day my head is stuffed full of shit and the pressure is just to the point of not killing anyone. I seriously want to be so over and done and would like to have my sanity back if that's possible. I would have a happier life is I was feeling better. I think the kids will remember this faze in there life as mommy being a crazy person on steroids. There is only room for one drama queen in our house and that's momma bear right now. I'm not surprised our daughter is also a drama queen having melt downs every chance she can get lately, It's not like I'm breaking down and crying every second but really I would like too. I'm just a total bitch with no patience more often then I would like. It's so not me. I'm the happy go with the flow kinda gal and this period in my life is not one of my finer qualities I want to admire or teach my kids. I seriously need a chill pill. Vacation from my life is what I really need and if people know how that's possible do tell I would like to know. I sure need a serious break. I really don't have patience for when people get sick and complain how bad they feel because frankly I feel bad every day. I pick myself up every morning and find the strength to take care of my kids and make sure our house doesn't implode so feeling sick doesn't get any sympathy from me. Live in my shoes for a day and you wouldn't be complaining anymore. Just think of feeling the worst you have ever felt when you were sick and remember I feel like that on a good day. I haven't really talked how bad I feel or explain how I feel because what good will that do and it's not like anyone can do anything about it and my Medical Doctor's don't know what to do about it but tell me to exercise like I understand the concept of exercise and how wonderful it is to the body like you don't need a degree to understand why it's good for you but they can't wrap it around there educated brains if I attempt to exercise like they are asking me too I will land myself in the ER. Are they prepared to pay for my medical bills when this happens? I get at least light headed 5 times a day and that's on a good day. I'm not passing out anymore thank god!! but I have two little kids I have to take care of during the day. My hubby is wonderful already when I get too worn out to care for them but he can't be rushing home all the time taking care of me and the kids. He has to work because he makes the money and I can't risk him losing his job because I'm trying to get the proper amount of cardio I need during the week. I don't need my children to get used to seeing the inside of an emergency room neither. I don't think the Doctor's also understand taking care of two young one's is work and tidying a house is work. If that's not exercise I must be on a loony train. These educated Doctor's don't actually consider my taking care of two little one's as the right proper amount of exercise I should be doing. What I want to do is tell them where to shove there educated diploma's. So I'm doing what I can do to find the inner strength to get though the day in one piece with the goal to have two happy kids, a nice tidy house and a good marriage. Take care, Peace!!

Holiday here we come!!

I'm just warning you my grammar stinks and when I'm tired it sucks even more. Okay carry on!! So I typically decorate the house after my birthday but this year I decided to do it early because I figured next weekend was just cutting it too close to Christmas. I didn't want to feel like a scrooge waiting the week before Christmas to decorate the house. It got very hairy there for for awhile today with the kids getting into trouble by not listening to me. I think my blood pressure got in the Normal range which for me I'm sure it could have been a nice ride to the ER but it didn't happen. Thank you!!The kids got way to hyper for my liking and getting into things they shouldn't. The hubby was working most of the day and I didn't get a lot of help from him which was okay with me because his major project is almost finished. He helped when he could, yelled at the kids for me when they weren't listening to me and we just kind of tagged teamed the craziness between his answering his phone and working. It was kind of nice actually having him working from home so I could get things done and have his help when I needed him. Thanks Honey!! The house is done and I'm so tired, my back is burning and my body just can't handle the simple task of decorating the house. I wish I was well as in health and wish it didn't take all my energy to do something wonderful as putting up a Christmas Tree and decorating a house. I went really simple this year just the fact it almost killed me last year and I promised I wasn't going to go crazy. It still almost killed me this year but I finished and I'm done. I still feel winded so I'm going to sit here write this post. I'm going to listen to some music and wait until my laundry is gone so I can get a good nights sleep. I can get some good sleep so I can wake up early to get the daughter to school in time. I think I can breath again. Finished!! Yeah me!!! I rock!!! Okay, I'm really tired, run down like wow, I haven't felt this bad in awhile. The way it looks I think the decorations will kept up until Easter. The thought of having to take it all down in a few weeks back in there boxes is giving me anxiety. I just can't handle that thought right now. Seriously, I'm freaked out!! I think I want some patience for Christmas. Sometimes I feel like I'm way to hard on the kids. The daughter was a big help with the tree and for a 4 year old she did really well putting the ornaments on the tree and the son not so much. I have to give him credit he's only two. He wanted to help with the tree and was stacking all the ornaments on one branch. It really did look funny and after some hair pulling it got done. It would have been better less the drama but oh well, it's done and now we all can enjoy it!!! So I'm going to take my anxiety self and relax for awhile. My nerves are on fire like seriously my body hurts that bad. I would hate to see myself run around the block I think I would pass out. So have a great Christmas or Holiday. Take care, Peace!!!

Night and me!!

So I got myself a night guard because little did I know the stress I have built up I've been taking it out on my teeth. Oh my, so last Tuesday I went and got my fitting and should I be excited? I have to wear this plastic fake teeth to bed like a long lost friend keeping me safe from myself. I feel like such a geek but hey, if it keeps my teeth from falling out or needing to be fixed every couple of months then so be it, a geek I feel. So the first night I wanted to take that sucker out several times. It just didn't feel natural but I knew I had to wear it for the good of my teeth so I hung on til morning. I didn't get much sleep but now it's been 4 night and now it feels like I've been wearing it my whole life like when I wear contacts I feel naked without my glasses but that's another story. So it's almost my birthday and I feel so full of myself because what's the big deal of one day of your life? I think I'm just self centered and when my birthday is here and done I can go onto thinking of more important things like Joe Flanigan for example. I heard through the grapevine he's going some Western Movie/show. I'm not much of a fan of Westerns but seeing Joe as a bad ass sheriff then maybe I'll watch a Western. I don't know much more of this project when it's coming out. I'll just keep an eye out for it.

Just have faith!!!

Life can sure give you surprises. I've been feeling really uneasy lately and I've been having dreams of breakups and heartbreak. I'm thinking what's up with that? and could it be because my hubby lost his wedding band but that couldn't be it because I've been having these dreams longer than his lost ring. Maybe I'm just going a little nuts being couped in the house for so long but I could go out and socialize with the world but I've been battling a serious cold for the past month which to me seriously sucks because this bug just doesn't want to leave. I don't know why it's not like I'm not already broken already. Whatever the reason I've been sticking to napping in the afternoon when my kids are napping and I've been listening to a good lot of my share of music. I wonder if my mood could be from finally watching New Moon. I love a good love story like the rest of you and I'm so team Edward hands down. Sorry Sweetie, he's sweet!!! I think I'm just crazy. That's it, I'm just crazy and I shouldn't fight it any longer. Okay, I'm not crazy but seriously what's up man? Oh, right Christmas is coming up and I'm not thinking about it yet but this weekend will be putting up the decorations. Christmas always makes me happy so I'll have to think harder. My daughter has a wonderful gift she wants to get for her father and I would post it but someone reads this blog I don't want him to know how thoughtful his beautiful smart 4 year old is and what she's getting him. (wink) If I remember after Christmas I'll post our daughters thoughtful gift to her father. I was so touched it almost made me cry. Oh right, it's my Birthday coming up less than a week away. Makes me blue every year. Sigh!!!! Cheer up, it's not like I don't like getting older I do but sometime in my life I'll actually embrace my Birthday with bells and whistles and cheer myself on but until then...well boo hoo!! It's my Birthday I'm allowed to feel less than excited. Maybe I just need to have faith in my own life and not worry so much of my inner demon's trying to taint my life's journey. Until then I'll just remember what's important with the love in my life. Take care, Peace!!!

Way to go it's cold outside!!!

Okay,it's not like I enjoy being sick and the family is slowing coming around feeling better except for a little bump in the road with our son this week. I call them fake pox as in the Chicken Pox but they weren't the real deal. We have been giving him some Benedryl and it seems to be doing the job. It's time to move on with this cold for the Holiday's. How shitty that is to be all stuffed up for the Holiday's all diseased and alone because no one wants to be any where near you. Hopefully that won't happen this year but if it does I'm sure my little family will still have a wonderful small Christmas without the whole family being around. The Joy of the Holiday Season. I'm enjoying that I'm not in all the Holiday rush trying to buy presents and getting the house ready. I always give myself a plan so after the 15th is done I get in gear and get things done like decorate the house, buying gifts, mailing thing off if need be etc etc etc....love my plans and I haven't failed yet. Why I wait until after the 15th you may ask? Because my Birthday is on the 15th and as a kid I always felt cheated because my birthday was so close to Christmas. Some people would combine my presents because it was so close to Christmas in no regard to my feelings like oh sorry, I hope you don't mind only getting one gift this year because it's so close to Christmas we'll just give you a bigger gift instead like the price mattered to me. It just sucked and thinking about it only gets me thinking bad thoughts. I was bitter as a kid for the longest time so when I became an adult I decided I wasn't going to start with the Holiday cheer until after my Birthday so I can pretend my birth meant something special. We have this small black cat hanging out in our backyard once in awhile and it's been getting so cold at night I've been worrying about this cat. Does it have a home? Should I leave food out for it? Should I call someone but then it could belong to a neighbour and it's an outdoors cat but then it doesn't have a collar? So may questions to think about and as much as I would give it a nice home we don't know if it has diseases and then we're putting our other two cats at risk. I don't like animals to suffer and I'm worried for it especially now it's getting so cold at night. Oh, so I've been trying(with no effort) to pray with my daughter because she wants a white Christmas and I would rather it be sunny and warm. How can I say no to praying with her when she gives me those pretty please's? So maybe we can have it both ways. I guess we'll wait and see. Take care, Peace!!!!