Gaming must be in your DNA!!

My hubby is a computer geek and loves gaming. I on the other hand, not so much!! Early on in our relationship he wanted me to try playing some video games with him. I did get the Dark Angel PS2 game when it came out but I lost interest in it when I got to a point in the game I just couldn't beat. That wasn't enough for my hubby so we got into Tiger Woods Golf for the PS2 and I really enjoyed these games and for about 4 years we got the new game each year. That's how much we loved playing this game. It could be more years but I don't really remember but then babies came into the picture and that about ended me from gaming but my hubby wanted me to try Little Big Planet for the PS3. It's a cute game and we played this game together until we beat it. I enjoy spending time with my hubby I seriously do but I'm more happy surfing the Internet, playing spider solitaire then playing video games. I just enjoy watching TV while he's on the other couch playing one of his geek games. It's relaxing and All my hubby wanted was a game we could play together to spend time together. He tried but every once in awhile I will just give in and enjoy our time together. Now I'm saying gaming must be in your DNA because now our 5 year old daughter loves playing Little Big Planet and when she's not playing this PS3 game she is having serious withdrawals from it. Of course, I have to help her with some levels but this kid is good. She learned this game fast. I'm watching her play and I'm amazed she can jump, swing, and all the fancy mojo that goes on in the game. I'm impressed!! Maybe now the hubby will have a gaming partner in a few years and I can be a happy momma just sitting back and just watching.. I'll like that!!! Take care, Peace!!!

Animals can be your friends too!!

I have had two pets in my life who were my silent supporters when I was emotionally in pain as a young kid. I would like to share their story. They are not living anymore and I miss my companions I call my gifts from heaven. The first was my families Cat we called Cleo. She was a beautiful cat who loved me no matter what. I shared my thoughts and dreams with this cat. I know this sounds so silly but it was comfort. When my mother would degrade me as a human being I knew I could curl up with our cat and feel love. It was the most simple love and she didn't talk back to me, tell me I was a terrible person, and tell me I was a loser. I felt safe to share my most inner thoughts and not have to worry because a cat can't talk and tell anyone my thoughts. It was a soft place for me to fall. Cleo died in my arms when I was 15 years old. She lived a long cat life and her gift is still my treasure. I needed her as much as she needed me to feed her and give her water. My second was our family dog Loki. She was a beautiful dog we adopted when she was a year old. I felt safe with her. At night she would sleep outside of my door and I felt protected. She was also another crying board I could share my most inner thoughts with. Sometimes when you're in so much pain the only real comfort is a animal who just loves you no matter what the world deals you. I don't know how many nights I would curl up with Loki and cry. She would let me know she understood by giving me a lick just to let me know she understood. For all I knew I just had something on my face but still, I felt comforted. I moved away before she died but the last time I saw her I let her know how much she meant to me. It's a beautiful thing to know sometimes life and gifts have come in the most ordinary ways. For all I know it was something I internally did in a way of survival from parents who emotionally and verbally abused me. I don't know but it helped me get through a lot of sleepless nights when I was a kid. Whatever the circumstances were surrounding my own way for comfort it came in the way of these two animals I love dearly. Thanks!!! Take care, Peace!!

Happy Birthday!!

My daughter is 5 years old day. I can't believe it and I'm reminded how special she is every single day even on those days where she tests my patience. I just want to teach her love is what drives us to be better people. I always remind her she is my special girl, a gift from GOD. She really inspires me. The way she came into this world a healthy tiny little thing with spunk and her birth showed me that life really is great. I was in a bad place when I found out I was pregnant with her. My diabetes was out of control and I didn't want the desire to change it. I was in full swing with my eating disorder and I was really not ready, mind, body and soul ready to have a baby. It's too different things to want to have a baby and actually be ready to have a baby. I wanted a baby but wasn't ready. Yes, it was a huge surpise when I found out I was pregnant. I fought hard for her during the pregnancy so she would have a fighting chance. She was perfect in every way and I truly believe she was meant for me at a time where I needed her birth to realize life is more greater than myself. She's a miracle and a blessing. I always said she choose us to be her parents and her little brother choose her to be his big sister. Happy 5th Birthday my little girl. You are truly my gift from God. I thank you!! Take care, Peace!!

Alcoholism!!!

It took me to stop drinking alcohol by fracturing my left arm tripping over a bench. That's right, I broke my arm tripping over a bench. That's me!! I was at my husbands work holiday function in January 2003 and had a few drinks and went outside to have a smoke. I didn't see the bench until it was too late with me lying on the cold ground. I was embarrassed and ashamed because I try to keep myself self composed out in public especially when it came to my husbands work related functions. I don't really want to be known as that girl. You know who I'm talking about. That one person who drinks a little too much at parties and makes a complete ass out of themselves well for me I was that girl for that night but at least, there were only a few people outside when I did it but still I humiliated myself. So I quit drinking. I decided in my heart I really can't just have one drink. I wish I could have one drink like a normal person. I didn't need an intervention or a 12 step program to stop drinking. I just made the hard decision to not have that one drink. For me that one drink leads to another and another until I become drunk. Like I used to say "I'm not drunk, I'm just buzzin'". For me it was an excuse thinking I could handle just having one more. When I quit drinking I thought it would hard to be around other people who were drinking but really it didn't bother me. I was an adult and new just because I CHOOSE to not drink doesn't mean they couldn't. I came to realize living dry as I put it made me look closer to my inner self. I really didn't like myself when I drank. I've done things which broke my own inner heart and for along time it ate me up inside. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did when I drank. I love the social part of drinking, going to bars, hanging with my friends and having a good time but it always got overshadowed by the stupid shit I used to do after I was drunk. For me, I was never the serial free love kind of girl or didn't want to be. I just didn't want to give myself to any guy who gave me the slightest attention but you know what? I was that girl who just gave it up when I was over the limit of alcohol and my guard was down, my morals and values were out the door to the point of no return. That's what alcohol did to me. My moral compass got shot after I had too many drinks and I had fun without no consequences. It was what it was. Stupid!!! I also became a serial cheater on my hubby when we weren't married yet. I justified cheating on I was lonely and our relationship was long distance but really I didn't have proper judgement when I was drinking. Nope, no good judgment. I'm not a serial cheater in my heart but I became one. I became someone I didn't want to be. Why would I cheat on someone I loved who I wanted to be with? I don't have the answer because it got clouded by alcohol. If I wasn't an alcoholic back then I wouldn't have cheated and that's fact. I never slept with someone when I was sober and the relationship I had with my husband's best friend wasn't a sexual relationship and yes, I cheated emotionally and sometimes some people find that harder to forgive then just cheating by one night stands of pure lustful sex. Cheating is cheating when you're not fully with your significant other and like I said, my husband forgave me for that. Some of the guys I don't regret sleeping with. Some of them were friends like you would call with benefits, the booty call kind of way. I cared for some of them and it was what it was. Now, most of them I could just forget about. I could pass this time in my life where I was just experimenting but I was in a relationship and it doesn't make it right. I really had two major relationships in my life. The first one I was in for 7.5 years which didn't work out because of abuse and it wasn't that great and my relationship with my hubby. I love my hubby and I'm glad he never gave up on me even when I told him the truth. For me to get better I had to let him know what happened. I couldn't go on being with him based on a lie. I could never heal my heart and be the better person who I believed I wanted to be if I didn't tell him of the cheating. For me, I couldn't be with him knowing I had this secret. A secret of infidelity he should know about before we got married. It took time and I worked my butt off to make him understand I loved him and wanted to be with only him. That's why I believe in my marriage vows so much and I truly believe them and it's why I'm still embarrassed of the things I did when I was drunk. I will never cheat on him. I couldn't, and wouldn't put myself in a situation where their is temptation to do so. That part of my life is over and I understand the ramifications of the consequences of the affects of cheating. I don't ever want to re-live that part of my life again. Now I'm slowly healing my heart, healing that part of my soul I destroyed by drinking. I went into a depression after I came to realize I don't want that life. Why would I allow myself to self destruct like that? Lots of factors on self destruction but one thing I could change was to stop drinking. I had the choice to at least, do that! I really don't want to be that person. Drinking for me only leads to unwanted drama neither I was causing it or someone else. It's really not worth it. Now yes, I have had alcohol since then but it's been more in a controlled environment. My hubby and I drink wine at night together but not in access to the point I can't function. I'm also not drinking to hide and run away from my inner demons anymore. I still believe I'm an alcoholic but at least I know I have a limit and I'm aware I just can't have that one drink!! Take care, Peace!!

Life is a choice!!!

Really understand what this saying means: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness!! The pursuit of happiness is a journey we take from within; liberty is the freedom we allow ourselves; and life is the vessel which carries both our happiness and our freedom. It doesn't say anywhere in this to achieve this you are guaranteed this from someone else. Think for yourself, work hard and life is only what you make of it. Life is about Common Sense and if you think someone will do this for you, you will be waiting along time. Take care, Peace!!!

My faith and me!!

There comes a time in your life where you get it or you don't. If I haven't gotten it by now they my life would be a lot harder right now. There was a time in my life where I call it my dark period when my life was in chaos and despair. I was sinking spiritually and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. It was a rough and destructive time in my life where I would rather not want to experience again. I honestly don't know how I manged to survive that time. I was a mess and I was in pain but what kept me going is I new I deserved better. I was searching for a better life but the decisions I was making were making it tough for me until I got pregnant and then it was a whole new ball game. I didn't know at the time if I had religion or faith but I felt something was greater than I was and I held onto that. I knew if I kept believing something was guiding me onto the right path I should start believing it. I lost touch with God during my most trying times. Of course I did. Why would I think God loved me with the things I have done? It's not like I was living on the life of righteousness and I was doing things that you would consider sins from the bible so why would God forgive me? All I new about religion was Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he died for our sins. I just didn't understand what that meant. I just new I didn't fit the requirements for heaven. During my dark time I really didn't care if I went to heaven. Hell didn't seem all that bad because I really believed I deserved to wrought in hell. I didn't think I deserved anything better so that was fine for me until I was showed unconditional love like somehow people loved me for me and saw I did have something worth saving. Since my daughter has been born I realized my life is a vessel. It's what I make of it and I have the choice to make it great or I can make it a hell on earth. I can't blame my life on anyone but me. This last sentence I understand. It's so easy to just blame your bad decisions on someone else but to be understanding, responsible you have to own your own life. You choose to make decisions to burden your own life so blame yourself for your dumb ass decisions. Take responsibility for your life. If you believe in God or not. It's a good life lesson. There are decisions I have made in my life I feel are very hard for me to forgive myself. I have hurt people in my life whom I love and I respect. It's hard to just forgive my heart for that. It's my own way of suffering to remember where I have been. I'm not struggling with it in a way I'm hurting but I have put it in perspective to understand I have been truly forgiven in Gods eyes yet at the same time I remember those sins so I will make sure I will never go back. I'm truly sorry and I learned in my heart I could never do that again. I won't hurt my family like that. I will fight my inner demons so my family will never see me go through that part of my life. I know what the consequences are if I choose to go down the dark path in my life. I understand the pain of infidelity( on my part), eating disorders, and alcoholism. I could be missing some, but I know how destructive my life was and how much pain I was living in so I'm sure the people I loved and the people who loved me having to see that and knowing I was causing them pain. It's hard for me to think I was causing someone else pain. I'm truly sorry!! So you can imagine if I was hurting and I felt like I was drowning in the life then the people who love you are also feeling the pain and hurt watching you destroy your life. Why live like that? Why put yourself in situations where you know could be damaging your soul? I did and I could never in a millions years go back to that. I truly care about people, and sometimes I think I care a little to much but at the end of the journey I call my life I want to know I ran with it and lived the best I could the whole imperfect person I am. We all make mistakes but it's what you learn from those mistakes that count. I trust in God, I trust if I pray for answers I will get them. I asked for redemption and I pray and I repent my sins. I always tell my daughter you will never know your answer if you don't ask a question so I asked for help which guides me on the right path for a better life. By doing that I know I will get my answers. Sometimes I don't listen but when I do I can hear it and I know I'm doing the right thing. If you don't believe in God, it applies in the same way. Just try to do your best and make the right decisions and life will seems a whole lot easier. Life doesn't have to be hard and it's your choice if you allow it or not. Take care, Peace!!!

Divide and Conquer!!!

It's been almost a year since our daughter started her sleeping problem. Frankly, she has never been a good sleeper even when she was a baby but we forced and stood our ground until she was on a sleeping schedule and it worked for the most part of her life until she turned 4 years old. I don't know what it was about her turning 4 but our happy child turned into a defiant, I know more than you kind of girl and she pushed, demanded, just tried to wear my hubby and myself down. It was a battle of who could last the longest. We would look at our little girl thinking is she ours? She can't be our sweet little girl can she? It seemed like she changed over night. Lately, she's been wanting to sleep neither with the hubby or myself. Last night she moved into our bed with me and the hubby got moved into sleeping with the boy. I think we're setting up a bad habit with him and we'll be putting an end to that tonight. Our son doesn't need to have a sleeping problem. He's the sleeper in the family and I want to keep it like that. I don't know if I can handle two kids who can't sleep. That would be the worst. All we got out of all this is she's scared to sleep. She won't tell us why she's scared but she doesn't want to sleep alone. My hubby and I had long talks about what to do with her. We all need our sleep and good sleep then broken up sleep through out the night. I figured now it's better to get her having a good night sleep then having a struggling match with her at 4:00 am. It's hard and of course, you want your child to feel secure. I want her to feel safe and where to start is the challenge. How do you let your child know you love them without making them feel rejected especially at night? It just breaks my heart really, and is this something we need to fix now and are we doing the right thing now or are we making it worse for her? What is the right thing to do? Is this a battle we want to keep going on down the road or just let this one go and we as her parents let her have this fight. It's figuring out why she's scared is the real question here and when she doesn't know how to express herself with words is the hard part. I guess we'll have to keep listening to her and keep telling her over and over how much love she is and we all love her. She's special and a wonderful little girl who has feelings. She'll be five in a few weeks and being 5 maybe it will be less scary for her. It's just tough as a mother to feel defeated by a 4 year old over her sleep. She sure is a strong determined child and smart for her own good sometimes. It's a journey for sure and this life challenge with our battle over her sleep has made me tired and worn down but I must move forward and keep trying to make her feel less scared. Some day it won't be a struggle. Take care, Peace!!!

Things are looking up!!!

So I finally got my laptop back from the kids who were fighting over it. First it was my daughter taking over my computer to play her computer games but now she moved on to the PS3. Then the son wanted to watch movies but couldn't because the daughter took over the TV so the son used my computer to watch movies and then again I lost my laptop to him. Now it's all good because the hubby set up one of his desktop computers so everyone is happy. The son can watch his movies, the daughter can play her PS3 game and I can finally have the use of my laptop back. We are a family of electronics!!! I read a book called This Present Darkness. The hubby wanted me to read this book for the longest time but I kept putting it off. I'm not into books or movies about good and evil. When I read or watch a movie about this topic it scares me and my dreams are unsettling like I'm being attacked spiritually. I know it sounds crazy but it's not a feeling I like to feel. But because my hubby thought I should read this book I did and of course, I was scared out of my mind and I never prayed as much as I did while I was reading this book and my dreams were unsettling but I did it. I finished the book and my spirit seemed to be alright. It was a great book and if you're into that kind of thing I recommend it. I told the hubby I can't read the second book. I just can't feel spiritually attacked again. I feel it opens doors that shouldn't be opened if you know what I mean. It just freaks me out. Take care, Peace!!!

Comes crashing down!!!

This week has been a stressful one for me. The son got pinkeye and is on eye drops and I'm surprised he's taking the drops pretty well. I think he realizes they help his eyes and hasn't fought us like a sumo wrestler when we're giving them to him. This kid is strong and has been since birth like the time he kicked me when he was 4 months old in the leg and dropped me to my knees. You have to have two people holding him down when he's getting looked at by a Doctor. He hates it with a passion for anyone poking at him and he will let you know...oh he lets you know all right. It's the screeching pain in your ears and the struggle and it's not like you want your child to be in distress so it makes it twice as worse to watch this little boy struggle and scream with tears. That can't be a good thing. I wonder if I'm scaring this kid for life every time he goes in for a check up...maybe when he gets older it may not be so bad...lets hope!!!!! (Break) The reason this week is stressful because I have anxiety over my house. Things I let slide when I was at my medical worst is catching up with me. I look around the house and I can feel the blood rush to my head with stress. I shouldn't get stressed about these things but I can't help it. I really like structure and I feel hopeless right now because I don't have the energy to get some of these things I want to do. It's a no win situation for me with the back and forth within my head. I understand I had no control over my low energy but at the same time I feel like I'm the only one who does any of the cleaning. My hubby is great with helping me take care of the kids but when it comes to cleaning...he kind of sucks at it but is good at making more of a mess for me to clean. Sorry honey but it's true. I do have to admit I knew this going into our relationship so it's not like I didn't know about his organized mess until now. It just seems with two messy kids and a hubby I get so overwhelmed at times I snap. I have a full out hissy fit and its not pretty. I don't even want to get into how the master bedroom is like. My sanctuary is a storage dump at this moment with baby gear, baby toys, boxes of clothes and our two cats seem to stink more now then ever before. Every time I go by our stairs I can smell a fowl odor. It's not pretty and air freshener doesn't seem to help. It's been getting to me this week more then ever. Actually it's been getting to me for awhile but I was in denial before like I didn't want to admit I was a mess. I'm in a cleaning freak anxiety mess and wish I had a few days of serious energy so I can get some of this work done. I'm not there yet and it bothers me I can't just get this stuff done so my hearts not on some serious power trip ready to leap out of my chest. Oh my, life's kicking me in the ass this week. Take care, Peace!!!

I want my Laptop Back!!

So the last week or so my daughter found the love of computer games which most of the time I'm without a computer and my time roaming the Internet has become non-existent. Oh my, and the hubby thinks it's funny how I have to fight my daughter for the use of my computer. I think she should get one of her own. Sounds like a great plan so yes, we're getting her the use of a computer. No, we're not buying her one because that's silly and she's almost 5 years old and really, she's doesn't need her own personal computer. We're just going to bring our desktop from my hubby's man room and going to find a space for it somewhere downstairs so I can have my laptop back and she can play her computer games. It's win win situation!!!! This will be a short entry because I'm on the clock with a daughter breathing down my neck waiting until I'm done. "Are you done yet?" Take care, Peace!!!