A pecked Duck!!

Lately I have no energy for the wrong reason. You would think my energy level from health would be low but no, my children are wild beasts on the loose. Oh my, I've been pecked to death from my children. How did that happen? My kids hate each other is what happened. Anything they can do they do it to each other before they are in time out. I have lost my mommy cool and frankly, I love my mommy cool. These last few months have been going good and life is good but for the last few weeks I'm living with kids who are driving me crazy with their fighting, screaming and down right being total butt wads. Yes, I called my children butt wads because they are acting like it. I've tried making the peace, me their mother but I've been tuned out like I don't even exist until one child is running to me crying. Geez, if I can't handle the crazy now I'm scared to know what the teenage years are going to be like. I can't think that far a head or I'm packing my bags now. Just kidding, but I do need a break from all this crazy. I'm not asking for much. Just need some peace for awhile. I don't think my ears can handle all the screaming. Oh for the love of all things holy!!! Take care, Peace!!

I want some Lemonade!!

Joe Flanigan you're hot. So I came across a You Tube video from a link off Twitter about Joe Flanigan. He's promoting a weight loss drink called Fat Burning Lemonade. I don't think I need to lose weight but then again I have some excess mommy jiggle around my stomach from giving birth to two babies and it just won't go away so maybe I may try this because if Joe is using this product it can't be all that bad...can it?

So I was all giddy watching a video with Joe in it because frankly, I enjoy watching Joe. I can't get enough of him. My hubby thinks it's funny especially when I want to manipulate my son's hair so he has the Flan do. So lame I know!

So what caught my eye from the video is he said "then he starts Bonking". WTF!! Is Bonking a new word for sex? Like this product gets you all hyped up and it makes you all horny or something like Joe, are you endorsing a sexual product? Where's my Credit Card? I want this stuff now.

So googling later Bonking doesn't mean anything sexual. Bummer!! Bonking is passing out from low blood sugar from doing vigorous exercise. Thank god, that will never happen to me because I'm the one who passes out from drinking too much water. I'm also a diabetic so passing out from low blood sugar I would have more too worry about then Bonking from exercise.

You want to see a women get all fluttered is at the end when he does this little kiss thing with his lips. I know he was doing that for me...ha ha ha!! A girl can dream can't she? I so would like to meet him someday. I can watch Joe all day. Enjoy this little video.



I think I need a cold shower to cool myself off. Man, he's hot!! Now I'm embarrassing myself getting all worked up for a hot guy but really, He's HOT!! Take care, Peace!!!

I feel relieved!!

It's been a wild three days without the hubby around. The daughter wanted to sleep with me because she was feeling insecure her Daddy was gone so I let her sleep with me which entailed me getting kicked upside the head all night. I was a restless sleeper as a child too so now I understand why no one wanted to sleep with me. I get it now.

So my hubby is back and I'm glad because I missed him not because the kids were running wild while he was gone because I just missed being in his space. I get nervous because he has to fly on an airplane. I used to love flying but since the kids have been born I get a little scared of flying like I don't want them to lose a mother or a father. It's strange how life works after you have kids especially after 9/11. I never used to be afraid of things until I had kids. I guess I realized my own mortality and also my hubbies. I don't want to lose him and I don't want my kids to lose their father. I'm selfish that way.

So my hubby is safe and sound with me and our children. I'm blessed beyond belief for the blessings I've been given. I appreciate it all but it doesn't mean I still can't be afraid of unexplained suffering if things may occur by flying on an aircraft out of any ones control. Flying is not for me but I'll still fly but I can't say I won't be scared about doing it. I'm glad he's home safe and sound and he may have to leave again in a few months to Austin, Texas for Business. I will make sure I'll enjoy the time with him until he goes and then I'll hold my breath until he's with me again but he's not leave yet. I got good advice from a wonderful person to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow hasn't happened yet. Enjoy the moment because that's what counts. I so love that advice and I'm trying....really I'm trying to used the advice from this wonderful wise women. I truly am!!! Here's Aerosmith. The song my hubby and I choose as our song...okay the song I choose as our song. :) Take care, Peace!!

This girl rocks!!

I'm so proud of this Girl with talent and grace. I know she's going to go far with her career. I hope she surrounds herself with great people who will keep her grounded and not let her be a spoiled Diva. Charice is a beautiful girl and I wish her all the best. Love this songs!! Take care, Peace!!

Lost Souls of the World!!

This song means a lot to me. I want to share this video and song to the world to you all out there who need some inspiration and some hope with your life. This song has carried me through a lot of hard times. Even though I don't know some of you personally I understand your pain. I understand where you are coming from. Life isn't easy but somewhere and sometime in your struggle with difficultly I care. I care you can achieve a great life like I was blessed with. There is hope for a better life even when you lost the most personal part, your heart. I've seen broken dreams, abuse, self destruction and I made it. You can too because you're never alone even when you feel like you are. Other people has felt your pain. People do care like I do. I care!! The Pretender's with I'll Stand by you!!



There is always hope if you just reach out your hand. It may not be today but sometime someone will reach out and touch your hand and help carry you through those tough times. Take care, Peace!!

Songs that define my life the easy way!!

So I've been on some music train the last few days. I was thinking last night what three songs would sum up who I am about. It was a difficult choice because I love all kinds of music and the choices were hard but I managed to do it. There are some I want to share but maybe in another post sometime later.

I choose these three because they have meaning to me in a way I can't explain but I'll try. The first song was easy because I had many nights just playing this song over and over again. I get inspired by this song. When I was hurting like crazy, crying with sorrow in my heart, not feeling like I can move forward I would put this song on and feel like I can just survive. I really was just surviving and trying to figure out my life. I had many sleepless nights of trying to make sense of the life I was given. I was a lost soul. This song gave me strength put one foot forward. Here's Hero by Mariah Carey. Enjoy!!


The next song is from Brittany Spears. I love this song because my heart has been hurt many times by the people who were supposed to love me and protect me. I lost all faith with the matters of the heart and I just wanted a chance so be patient with me. Love took time for me to believe in. I was a damaged soul who just needed the chance to grow and flourish. Enjoy!!!



The last song gives me inspiration. The need to be raised up from all that pain. I so relate to his song. I had many nights just listening to this song. I just love it. I know how it feels to have no hope. I understand when you have no where to go. There are people in my life I thank because I had many days where I'm thankful they raised me up to see I was worth it. I was worth living to them and I was special to be here. There were days in my life I just couldn't bare feeling the hurt, sorrow and pain. I was emotionally broken. I thought my parents killed my soul and their were days I just didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know if I could deal with all the pain. I didn't want to kill myself but I didn't know if I had any strength left to live. It was a very difficult time in my life. It's not some place I ever want to go back too. I learned so much about myself from that time in my life. I've been to hell and back and I'm grateful for all the support I've gotten over the years from my friends. This songs raises me up. Here's Josh Groban You raise me up. Enjoy!!



So those are the three songs I would have to sum up who I am. I am a hero with in myself, I need sometime to come around and I've been raised up by the people who love me. Enjoy the love you have within you. Take care, Peace!!

Where do Broken Hearts Go?

I had some spare time tonight so what do I do? I've been listening to my music because their is nothing on TV and I needed some down time from the crazy wild day with the kids. I survived is putting it mildly. I found some video's of the music I'll be talking about. I hope I don't mess this up. I'm new to putting video's in my posts. I can't figure some of this stuff out with blogger html and sometimes it gets a little hairy and I can't ask the hubby because he isn't here. He's my to go guy when it comes to computer language and all. So bare with me here if I mess this all up.

So I was surfing You Tube finding some of the video's I wanted for this post and found them all. So I love music and I can repeat over and over how I love music. Haven't you guessed that out yet? The first song on the list is when I was back in Junior High in the late 80's. I know I'm old like 35 years old..old!! This song I love because it reminds me of my first crush. I mean obsessive crush like my life is over crush but you have to understand I was a 14 year old girl. Everything I did back then was over the top drama and everything was like I was going to die. Just like my life today but a little more over the top. I thought I was madly in love with this guy. Oh my, I couldn't get over him for years and when I was in my early 20's I would dream about him and it would drive me crazy. I don't think you get over your first crush. This song is dedicated to my Junior High Crush!! Enjoy to everyone else!!


The next song is to my other guy who broke my heart. I shouldn't be talking about him but it was in my history and every time I hear this song I think about him. He was the hardest guy to get over and I care about his well being where ever he is today. This next song has meaning to me whenever I listen to it like the rejection just stings you and you have a hard time getting passed that. It took along time to mend my broken heart from this guy. Sometimes today I think about him. I wonder what he's doing and as much as this sounds weird I wonder if he thinks of me. I know that sounds so fucked up but I have to be honest about it. I do wonder about it. I kinda sound so conceited. It was a strange relationship but I can't change the fact my heart got shattered. It hurt like crazy and I slowly moved on. I had a really hard time with it and my hubby understood and to this day I don't understand he was so supportive and forgiving. It was his best friend yet my hubby supported me. Not a lot of people would willingly do that. I don't know if I could be so forgiving but we moved on and that's the most important part. Okay, this sounds so weird but this song is dedicated to my hubby's old best friend. Everyone else...enjoy!!


Okay I left the best for last. This next song is also from Savage Garden. When my hubby and I met we lived miles apart in two different countries. We fell in love with each other not knowing what each other looked liked. We got to know each other by what was in our hearts. I'm sure that's why we have that spark in our marriage. It wasn't the physical attraction in the beginning of our relationship that drew us together. I think that's special. The physical attraction came later when we did finally meet. This next song reminds me of the love I had for my hubby before we met each other in person for the first time like this song was written for us. He was my prayer and he came into my life at the right moment. The universe doing it's magic. This song is dedicated to my hubby, the missing piece I have been looking for. I had lots of bumps in the road before I realized he was the real deal. He's my gift to make me see life's wonderful if you let it. My Best Friend and Husband. I love you!!!


Okay those 3 songs are a few I can't seem to get through without A) neither crying B) neither crying. I typically don't have any way of getting though those songs without crying. They bring out some serious emotions out of me. I decided to share them with you. Not that I'm bringing up old wounds or anything. I just came to realize my past is my past and broken hearts really never go away but you learn to live with it. Take care, Peace!!

Love is the Best!!

Lyrics Give Me Forever (I Do) - James Ingram and John Tesh

Looking out, I see
And I know just how much
You're a part of me

I see you and I together in life
So there's nothing I wouldn't do
To make you my wife

Won't you give me forever
To show all of the love
I have here for you
And if you give me
My reason for living
To love you, I love you, I do

With this ring
I'm bound and I promise
I'll never let you down

To family and friends
And the Lord up above
I swear I'll be true to you
And give you my love

Won't you give me forever
To show all of the love
I have here for you
And if you give me
My reason for living
To love you, I love you, I do

Oh, baby, I'll love you
Forever and forever
Oh, I do, oh

Won't you give me forever
To show all of the
Love I have for you
All the love I
Have for you, baby
And if you give me
My reason for living
To love you, I love you, I do To love you, I love you, I do To love you, I love you, I do

I love this song. So my hubby has been gone for awhile. I dedicate this song today to my hubby with all my heart. I miss him because he's my Best Friend. The universe brought us together. It's like my heart aches for him and my stomach has butterflies when I think about him. I have different love for my children but for my hubby it's different. I'm happy he choose me to be his wife. Forever I do!! Life is special and finding someone to share life with is a blessing. Life is too short to have a hard heart. Take care, Peace!!

Books are my Best Friend!!

I love buying books. I have so many books and I thought about getting a Kindle but you know what? The thought of having something in your hand to read then reading something off of a device is the best. One of the things my mother taught me which wasn't destructive was the love of reading. My children have a collection of books themselves. I don't have a problem spending money on books for them. They see a book and I'll get it for them. Right now, I'm kinda back logged with books which is fine for me because I will be busy this whole summer.

I should get in gear and make a list of books I recommend reading. I have so many it will take me forever and that's the books I have ready available. I have books stored in the garage I haven't unpacked yet.

I'm in the process of writing my own book. I would tell you about it but then it would be dumb of me. I got the idea from a dream I've been having for awhile now. I'm excited about this process of using my imagination to bring out a story. I'm not good at grammar and all that so I'll need some help when the time comes. Wow, I keep changing my tune on my life's journey. That's good I have passion on what makes me a happier person. If I don't get my book published I will still be happy about it. So many possibilities to one's journey. Take care, Peace!!

I feel Inspired!!

Whenever I listen to music I just feel a sense of peace. Music brings out some powerful feelings within me. I kinda need this energy and like I have said in some other blog entries I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for music. I'm happy to give this gift to my children. They love listening to the radio with me. They like to dance and groove like my daughter calls it. Music just makes me happy even when I'm sad and having a self pity party. I have a different prospective to life. It's refreshing!!

When I listen to music that came out around the time I met my hubby and listen to it today it reminds me why I fell in love with him. Sometimes life gets in the way and days goes by and I'm frustrated in the moment and listening to music makes me stop and remember what really matters. He's my rock and the love of my life even though he can drive me up the wall with his organized mess I still remember the love we have for each other. Love is so simple yet can be so complicated at the same time.

Madly Truly Deeply - Savage Garden (love this song)

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong
I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on
A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning, yeah

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bath with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you

Oh can you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cause it's standing right here before you
All that you need with surely come

The hubby got to see Savage Garden in Concert back in the Summer of 1998 when they were in Portland. I was so jealous he got to hear them in concert. Now Savage Garden split up so I just listen to them by CD. This song was one of my favorites of the time. A long distance relationship is hard and it's one of those relationships you neither have to take it to the next level or break up. As you guessed we didn't break up. We think it was worth it. This song is dedicated to my hubby tonight for all our wonderful memories. I love you babe!!Take care, Peace!!

Work and No Play!!

I don't know why I think I deserve a break for at least one day but when I do take a day off the house implodes. It's not a pretty sight. So my Monday's I'm catching up for what I put off from the weekend. I keep telling myself I deserve a break so I take one but I end up with more work to do. I live with 3 slobs and they don't know what a garbage can is and my kids think toys belong on the floor which I have almost killed myself on many occasions. I keep telling myself if I keep harping on the kids they will get it some day but my hubby, I can't change his habits.

In the meantime I'm just flustered. It's like come on, I just cleaned that. Some days I would like to go on strike but then I change my mind because I also have to live here too. No way in hell will I live like that. It's gross and I need a shower just thinking about it. I keep telling my family if they don't do their part I'm going to move.

Kidding aside, I do feel like that sometimes when it gets real bad but I do love my family and I put up with some of it. So I'm on catch up cleaning today the rest of the week I clean here and there but most of my job is to keep the house tidy. I get overwhelmed like the responsibly is kinda daunting when I feel like I'm not appreciated for what I do.

I keep telling myself the kids are young and someday they will be able to help and clean up after themselves. I so want independent kids so they learn to take care of themselves (cough cough)not like my hubby. Sorry Hun, but you would be living in a pig pen if it wasn't for me. Some day I will have that and I'll keep harping on my kids to do things for themselves and one day I'll be like surprised I don't have to do everything around my house. I'll have well efficient kids. If that ever happened then it's all worth the struggle today. Take care, Peace!!

Some peoples kids!!

Our daughter's pre-school hosted an end of year party at a local park this morning. It was kinda cold but then again I'm always cold even when it's 90 degrees and the kids loved it. Our daughter got to hang with her friends for one last time and the son who never gets to go to the park was having a great time until some little shit decided he was in her way and threw my 3 year old off the big kid slide. It was no big deal to her like what ever!! It wasn't like he was at the bottom but near the top at twice his height. Lucky he didn't break something. I even saw it coming but couldn't get their in time to save him. Frankly, if I would have done that at 9 years of age I would have been in a hell of a lot of trouble and NO MORE PLAYING FOR ME. He got the wind kicked out of him and was scared but he is fine now. Now I'm tired and it's the weekend. Time to enjoy this nice weather. Take care, Peace!!

I hurt!!

I knew yard work was dangerous. I think last weekend I pulled a muscle in my back near my right shoulder blade. It hurts like crazy and with the crazy going on in my house I haven't had time to relax and heal. That's why I haven't done a lot of writing. I have lots to write about but it hurts to type right now. The mornings are the worst and then I take my drugs and the rest of the day I'm in a dull pain which I can handle sort of. So much for physical yard labor. I should go because now my arm hurts..Oh my!!! Take care, Peace!!

Yard Work is not my Friend!!

I really do NOT like doing yard work but it has to get done..okay, it really doesn't and we could let it grow a jungle in front of our house but I don't think our neighbours would appreciate that neither and we already get flyer's, business cards for landscaping businesses on our front door. I think they are telling us something. So for the last month or so I've been hacking away at our bushes and ripping out those nasty weeds and I gotta tell you I do not like it. I get scrapped, have so many bruises I lost count of them all. I'm itchy and my allergies are screaming at me and since I've been doing yard work I look like I've been crying for along time. My eyes are red and puffy and it's not making me feel so sexy. I like taking care of myself and when you feel not sexy it kinda ruins the quality of life if you know what I mean. I don't want that and I'm sure my hubby appreciates it when I feel sexy because he benefits from that.

It's been along day. The daughter had her gymnastics showcase this morning. I was trying to watch but I was dealing with a bored 3 year old. It wasn't pretty and what I could watch she was great. I was impressed with what she could do. At least, the hubby was video taping so I can watch later. Next week my daughter is done pre-school and the last of it is her dance show on the 26th. I'm happy we found this school for her and I'm impressed with their program and in the future we found her a dance school.

Well I'm going to go wallow in my self pity on this beautiful Saturday night with my hubby. Take care, Peace!!

I'm so Lame!!

The hubby is having guys night and the kids are in bed and I'm sitting here watching HGTV. So lame...where's the party? I used to party and those were some good times but I'm also not 23 years old anymore and I kinda have a good reason for responsibility...my kids. I'm not complaining having some time to myself. I bought a great book and tonight feels like a great night to start reading it. I don't feel so guilty I'm ignoring my family by diving into a great book. I have choices tonight..what to do really? I can make myself some popcorn and don't have to share it..ha ha!!! I think I'm going to be smart...watch a movie and then go to bed early. I'm so lame and it's even a Friday night!!!..Take care, Peace!!

Acceptance of Love!!

Disclaimer: My personal thoughts about Love and if you wanted to read fluff then you came to the wrong blog today. Thank you!!

What is the meaning of life? People want to know and sometimes spends their whole lives searching for the answer. I understand it's love for yourself and others. We all have opinions and goals for one's life but on my journey I call my life I came to realize love is what drives me to be a better person. I believe in something great and as long as I have love in my heart nothing or no one can ever take that away from me. I accept other people don't get it and I understand life can throw stones but no one can take away the love you have within your heart. Times can get tough, the economy can suffer, people are dying in this world, but no matter the strain in the world as long as you accept love nothing really matters because you are already fulfilled with riches then money can buy. It's within you to want and to go after.

When I was in my darkest times I didn't understand I was searching for love. I was searching to accept love within myself but didn't understand how to go about doing it. I thought I could be fulfilled with acceptance from others but I just couldn't see I was not accepting myself. The hurting and struggling I was feeling was pure pain. I just didn't know where to start. I know I needed better but when I asked for help and accepted the help I opened my eyes that life cared for me. I didn't know I wasn't accepting and believing within myself. It's all about you baby!! No one can fulfill you but you. No one can show you love if you don't accept love within yourself.

I've been struggling for awhile in figuring out where I belong in this world. I see how vile this world has become with hatred and self arrogance our Governing Governments have become with the attitude it's all about them and the powers to be right. I'm scared for my children so what is a mother to do? I teach them about love, love for ones own self to better understanding as long as they love themselves and if they are being prosecuted for their beliefs or are slaves to Government Bureaucracy they will be fine because they believe in something far greater then someone telling them how to live, what they deserve to have and what they can and can't do. No one can take their integrity of love away from them no matter how hard they try. Love in the end prevails.

I'm not afraid to die for what I believe in. I understand the more Governments push to control every aspect of your life and the more they wrap the noose around your neck but they can't do is break the bond within your heart unless you let them. Bring on the Tyranny, the Socialist and Progressive agenda because no matter how hard they press their ideology on us they can't break the love because it's like good and evil. Good always wins in the end and sure the ones left standing may be the bad guys but that's all they have an empty planet with no one to bully but are left with there hatred. If you have hatred then you don't have love. Plain and simple. They can have that life because I don't want it but it's not like I'm going to sit back and not fight because I will for my children because they haven't learned hardship and the understanding the gift of love they were given at birth. If that makes me a part of some resistance then I'm a part of some resistance. I'm not advocating for a War with the Government and you don't need guns to prove your point neither. It's voting in people who believe in your ideology and take back your independence on ones own self. That's freedom!! The question is what side are you on? Take care, Peace!!

Grill Instructor is my middle name!!

I never thought in a million years I would be the mother to harp out rules and regulations. Yikes, seeing how I was the wild child and did whatever I wanted the summer of 1988. Mind you my parents were too busy to care for what I was doing. Freedom ran though my veins and I accepted its lifestyle there after. Ha ha...really I was the free spirit until my dark period. I had my own rules...one actually..."Don't Get Caught "and I respected the freedom to not engage in illegal activities...okay, I was a teenager and done some stuff. I'm taking the 5th on those activities I consider the grey area of teenage delinquency.

So add 20 years and now I have children of my own and I'm not what I thought I would be as a mother. Holy, I kinda scare myself. I understand the freedoms to be a child but I also realized children need structure and discipline. It's like I'm a broken record like:
Telling them to pick up there toys
clothes don't belong on the floor
make sure you wash your hands
dirty dishes belong by the kitchen sink
I could go on and on but you get the point.

I also have to give credit I've been letting the children have there own freedoms in independence like picking out(approved)clothing when we go shopping and other stuff age appropriate. They stay up way later than their peers. Bedtime for us is about 8pm but for the longest time it was 9pm and it was our choice due to the hubby working late and our selfish reason so he could spend time with his kids.

We also don't allow them in our Master Bedroom unless it's taking baths. It's a boundary we both agreed upon. That's our space and no, my children don't come running in our room in the morning. No cuddling, and yes, I understand other families do this and I don't have a problem because it's there choice but for us we don't let the kids in our room. We have taught them to knock before entering. Parents have needs you know and some privacy is important and we felt if we allowed them to enter whenever they pleased we wouldn't get our "alone time" if you get my drift. We're teaching them about personal space and just because they are little doesn't mean they have full rein over our house.

I think I'm more strict then my mother was with me on some things..yikes. I may have to re-valuate my stance on that one. I call it being safe and aware. When I am working in the front yard they can't go past the sidewalk and to stay in my view at all times. When we're in a store they have to stay close or get put in the cart. If they take a toy off the shelf to look at it they have to put it back. I guess that's more on the manners then being strict. Okay, so I'm not as strict as my mother...few..now I don't have to jump off a bridge. I do have to admit my mother wasn't a great mother to me so I don't have a model to go by to be a great mother. I only have "what not to do" to guide me through motherhood. Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done. The hardest!! Take care, Peace!!

Yes I am!!

My son has a speech delay due to tongue tie which we fixed last summer. We've been working on his "A" sound. He could say the sound "ah" but not "A" like the Fonzie from Happy Days. Tonight he finally said it with thumbs and all. He can do all his vowels..a,e,i,o,u!! The "A" sound is the hardest sound for kids to do so I'm so excited for him.

Well since last August and even in the last month he's been doing so well. He can kinda say his name. He's been calling his sister "Sissy" because he can't pronounce her name yet. He's been trying to speak in sentences and he has basic words down so he can let you know what he wants.

I'm kinda glad we caught this early and not passed it off as "he's just a boy..boys are slower than girls" because he needed help. He's loving his early intervention school. He just went on Summer break for a month today and goes back for July. Then has all of August off and in September he graduates to articulation classes until he goes to Pre-School. The Early Intervention Program will work with him until he doesn't need there services anymore and I appreciate that so much.

The daughter has one more week left of school herself. I can't believe she's almost done with Pre-School. It just seems like she just started school last September. She gets her school evaluation on August 11th to see what she knows before she starts Kinder garden. I told her it's to show them now brilliant she is. As much as I want to kick her out of the house for her education I'm kinda emotional about it. She's growing up so fast and I'm scrambling my brain of what she needs to know before she starts school like know her house address, my cell number, her dad's cell number, and don't go with a stranger under no circumstance etc... So much to learn and I keep wondering if she listens to me and how much I worry, I pray she will do the right things when I'm not with her. I just pray!!

I got some cool kids and they make me a proud momma!! Take care, Peace!!

I'm sorry my daughter!!

So it's late Sunday night and I should be in bed getting some zzz's but I'm just wide awake so I thought I will write a entry to apologize to my daughter.

I'm sorry daughter you have my weird genes and can't buy a two piece outfit without both pieces fitting you. I have the same problem. I love your new bikini you picked out today. It's very pink and so cute but I'm also sorry I didn't buy it in two sizes because the bottoms don't fit you but the top does. I had that same problem when I was a kid and I'm sure it drove my mother nuts too. It's those long skinny legs and bottom you inherited from my side of the family. Long legs are nice but finding clothes will be a challenge for us. I will stand by you and will figure something out so your clothes will fit with out worrying the length being too short or having the length fit but the waste being too big. We may have to invest in some very cool belts for you. Sorry again for getting mommy's weird body shape.

I'm sorry daughter you also inherited mommy's two left feet. It's those long skinny legs I tell you. Someday you will learn to grow into them. The good news is I had talent in sports and was never clumsy so when you ever get into sports you may get my genes or sports may not be for you and that's okay too.

I'm sorry daughter you are a morning person. Daddy, Mommy and some times your brother are not. The only reason your brother is an early morning riser is because you go wake him up and I can hear the screaming and fighting at 7am in the morning. Sorry, I don't get out of bed because I can't deal with all that screaming first thing in the morning. I love my sleep and having to get up early to break up fights I tend to kick your father out of bed to deal with it. He's not a morning person neither but unless there is blood I won't get out of bed until I'm good and ready. I'm sorry I don't listen to your stories that early in the morning. I like to drink my diet Pepsi first to wake up before the day begins. I know it frustrates you to death but that's how mommy rolls. We will make it work or have a mutual understanding. I do love listening to your stories because your mind fascinates me but please let me wake up first.

I'm sure I have more to apologize but right now I really should go to bed. It is a school night. I love you lots my beautiful sweet daughter. Take care, Peace!!

a quiet house is strange to me!!

So, it's just me and my little boy by ourselves today. The daughter is spending time with her Grandparents and the hubby is helping his parents build their front deck. It's nice to have a little me time. The boy is having a good time just playing by himself playing his trains and I'm just sitting here wondering why the house is so quiet on this beautiful Saturday.

I don't get time like this very often. My plan is to work out in the front yard today pulling weeds and clean up our lawn. It's been neglected far too long. It's a rare feet I'm been having a little of my old self back to were I can work without feeling like I'm going to die. It's going to be nice and the weather is perfect. The hubby and I want to fix up the house so we can invite the family over for a summer barbecue to celebrate the kids just past birthday and just spend time with our whole family. We live so close to our extended family but we rarely see each other because we all have busy lives so it will be nice to just get together and catch up on life.

I don't know what is wrong this my blog. My hubby says I don't use a lot of breaks but it's not my fault, it's this blogger that is screwing up my entries. I can go back and fix them but I have wrote almost 190 entries. It would take me forever and I'm just lazy to go back and take the time to fix them. Just deal with it!! I understand it's hard to read and one day I may surprise myself and go back and fix them. It maybe fun to go back and read what I wrote and really realize I'm just one open book. I write what's on my mind. Some people think I'm a little to open with my thoughts and experiences. I don't have a problem writing about my life and I'm only human with feelings and life choices.

How are we as humans supposed to learn to grow if we don't share in our experiences and it's nice in awhile to realize we are never alone because somewhere, sometime and years between we had some form of connection to each other by our humanity. I have no problem sharing my thoughts, feelings, fears and my imperfections with the world. I have no problem answering the hard questions or my take on things. Heck, I even read all the hate mail I get. Mind you, I don't get a lot of hate mail but I do read it. Yes, the world can be cruel and I've had people email me of how misguided I am but then turn around and tell me I can go fuck myself in the same sentence doesn't help open the communication and open a discussion. I do laugh at those kind of emails. When you start your email out with "your a bitch" doesn't want me to engage in a conversation. I just press the delete button on your ass.

Well I'm babbling enough for one day. Take care, Peace!!

Don't be torn to being an individual!!

So I'm torn, why? A part of me wants to shout out and ask people what the hell they are doing? and a part of me wants to just keep to myself and not rock the boat. It's tearing me up. I feel like I have a lot to say and my experiences in my life has given me perspective on life, not in the world views but personal flight. I understand personal pain, I understand being destructive, and I wish I could reach out to people to come back to responsibility for one's own instead of trying to be popular or worried to what other people think about it. So I decided to put myself out there and express myself based on love for humanity!!

Worry about yourself first. Be selfish to yourself and understand what you stand for then what your family, friends and society thinks. It's okay to not fit into the world mold or maybe you want too but make sure you are not killing your integrity. Never sacrifice your integrity for someone else even if other people will condemn you because from experience when you sacrifice your own integrity and it will eat you up more than someone else will. It's not worth it..trust me! Not worth it. Stay true to yourself. No one can live your life but you.

I could be misguided at times and I don't have all the answers but I do know what's in my heart. Life is hard and I know from experience that it is. I also over came some pretty hard situations but it also lead me down to just accepting my personal being. Being an individual, my own unique self then trying to be popular because I say this lightly, being popular changes on a daily basis but being you takes a lifetime. You can see it happening in fashion magazines, TV, Movie's and the media. All those outlets keep changing but you as a person in your heart never do.

My hope is to touch people by there hearts. To remember the humanity from the heart then from religion, country, race, and sex. We are all people, we all have hearts, we all have feelings and that's what I would like people to think about. Come back to looking at life from the hearts point of view with the brain to guide us to be better people.

Our entitlement is to be the best we can be by being responsible for ourselves and not taking other people for granted. Taking something from someone else because you think you deserve it more than they do is not an entitlement to yourself but a self need to be better than they are. It's the "I want" everything and I don't care who I hurt in the process attitude.

Sure, there are some situations where you have been wronged like someone stealing from you and criminal activities against you like rape, murder and such. You should get your justice but not if it's going to crush your heart and you end up losing your integrity. Everyone has there own life stories and we all act differently in the same situation by the environment we all grew up in. Showing compassion and understanding we are all different will make life go a little bit easier. I don't expect someone to know what I'm thinking. I don't expect to be treated the same as someone else with a different skin color, I understand being a women not having a voice in other Countries. I understand that life's not fair and I don't expect it to be but what I can expect is I'm a individual with personal feelings from my OWN life experiences and they are different from YOURS.

So is it fair to say we should all think the same or be a collective? Be the same. religion, with looks etc? Should we all act the same with everyone around us? The answer is No!! Why? Because it will never happen! Why? Because we are all free thinkers as individuals and we all see the world differently as an individual. Please be the best you can be and let other people be the best they can be.

Cindy Lauper says it all in her song True Colors:
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Take care, Peace!!