Songs of a tired mother!

I think I'm having an off day just like my son was having today but instead of crying every few minutes like he was doing I was reaching for prayer to get me through the slow minutes I'm dragging my feet from one moment to the next. I'm trying to find some solitude in a chaotic life with medical problems and I'm trying to figure out a way to have more patience with the medical profession. My health issues are coming into a play with my inner peace and I'm not liking it. I've been praying a lot lately to just give me some strength to just do the little things in my life which are getting so hard for me lately or more like the last two years. I figured once the little boy was born my body would heal its self and I would be on my way but it hasn't been that easy for me. Health issues are a pain in my ass and I've come to accept some of them like the anemia aspect of it all but the rundown feeling like I can't function on a daily bases is getting old. It's not like I want to be this way. I want to be able to do the little things with my children. I want to take them to the park, watch my daughter ride her bike or just run around throwing the ball in the backyard with the kids. These are simple things I want to be able to do but I've been sitting on the sidelines only able to watch them do these things which is so sad for me. Anyone who knew me as a kid knows how active I was in sports and full of life and I want to be able to do those things with my kids. It has put a hole in my heart and it makes me feel like such a failure as a mother. I know and I'm trying my hardest to understand right now I don't have control. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself. I'm working the program Doctor's have laid out for me. I'm watching what I eat, taking my drugs and making sure life is better but it's not enough to be where I want to be. I know healing is a process but it's been over two years since I've been dealing with these issues. It gets tiring after awhile. It brings me down and I'm trying my hardest to understand my lesson with this. What am I missing or what haven't I done so I can get better? What do I need to do to turn my health around so life seems easier for me. My children need me to be the best mother I can be but it's not fair for them to have a sick mother who tries so hard to be there for them but can't do some of the simple things life has to offer. I know my children know I love them and I give them love and a safe place to fall. I could just be too hard on myself right now because I'm frustrated. To me it's not enough, I want to be here fully and that means being healthy without limitations. I know it's not a perfect world and I don't want it to be but is it too much to ask to be healthy enough to do fun playful things with the children without having to watch from the sidelines because something could happen? My fainting spells have gotten worse lately so I have to limit myself so that doesn't happen especially when the hubby is at work which for me I have to watch what I'm doing and don't over do it physically. It just pains my heart and there is nothing I can do right now to make it better for my children and my family. I want to be here for them for along time but I'm burning out. I should be slowly getting better health wise but I've been going downhill. Blood tests haven't caught anything abnormal and each test is on the borderline of normal to low. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful I don't want cancer but Doctor's haven't diagnosed me with anything. They still don't know what caused my anemia or why all of a sudden I have hypostatic blood pressure. They keep pointing to my Diabetes for all the medical problems but are still not 100% sure my Diabetes is causing all of these problems. My Diabetes have been controlled for awhile. Yes, it drives the Doctor's crazy I'm not considered a normal Diabetic and what's normal to me isn't whats normal in a Medical Textbook so figuring out how to fix me is hard. I react to new drugs like a sponge and they start working really well for example the procrit. It should take someone a month or two to accept the drug in the body before you start to see results, for me it took two weeks. The same with insulin. I just have a high acceptance rate with medical drugs but each time a new problem arises they don't understand why it should be possible because all tests show I'm normal. I got an EKG done and my heart is fine and every related test shows my heart is doing it's job but my pulse rate is high but my cholesterol is normal. My body doesn't make sense to Doctor's so it's hard for them to diagnose me. The anemia drove me crazy because I wasn't in a category of anemia like iron deficiency etc but now I just say I have anemia which I take drugs for. It was like during the pregnancy with the son. I had early signs of preclampsia but my blood pressure was in the normal range. I didn't have high blood pressure but my body thought I did and got the symptoms of it. Another example last September I was in the ER twice for dehydration and had a sodium drip to raise my blood pressure but when the tests came back days later it showed I wasn't dehydrated at all but just had really low blood pressure. So it's frustrating and sometimes I let this get me down because I feel like I'm a medical freak. I can scream on the top of my lungs I'M NORMAL but really I'm not. Doctor's don't know how to look outside the box and figure out what is causing all these medical problems. At least, they know something is wrong with me. Even though tests come back normal somethings don't add up. The anemia is a great example. I get my CBC blood count done every 3 months. It shows I am anemic but the other tests show my iron level is normal. Here is a medical education about Anemia: A person whose blood is low in red blood cells has anemia. Red blood cells carry oxygen (O2) to tissues and organs throughout the body and enable them to use the energy from food. Without oxygen, these tissues and organs—particularly the heart and brain—may not do their jobs as well as they should. For this reason, a person who has anemia may tire easily and look pale. Anemia may also contribute to heart problems. Healthy kidneys produce a hormone called erythropoietin, or EPO, which stimulates the bone marrow to produce the proper number of red blood cells needed to carry oxygen to vital organs. Diseased kidneys, however, often don’t make enough EPO. As a result, the bone marrow makes fewer red blood cells. Other common causes of anemia include blood loss from hemodialysis and low levels of iron and folic acid. These nutrients from food help young red blood cells make hemoglobin, their main oxygen-carrying protein. If no other cause for anemia is found, it can be treated with a genetically engineered form of EPO which I use called Procrit. Okay, this information is useful to understand my level of EPO is normal. My kidneys produce enough of this hormone but the reason I'm taking procrit even though I produce enough on my own because my body responses well to the procrit which in turn raises my red cell count in my bone marrow. My body doesn't produce enough red blood cells on it's own and they don't know why because every other tests, bone marrow biopsy, blood tests etc shows nothing to cause my anemia except I don't produce enough red blood cells. The same way with my Diabetes. I'm not a type 1 or a type 2. My body thinks I'm a type 2 Diabetic but acts like a type 1. So in turn I just say I'm an Insulin Dependant Diabetic. Time goes by and each test shows nothing is wrong with me but they can't figure out why my body acts the way it does. It's like we know you are Anemic but why you're Anemic we don't know. It's like I'm constantly having an infection the Doctor's can't pinpoint where. Blood tests show I got an infection but where they don't know. It's like what do you mean I got an infection and what does it mean you don't know where in my body the infection is? So I take antibiotics to fix a ghostly infection and hope the drugs clears whatever is plaguing my body. Sometimes I think it's just all in my head and nothing is wrong with me but that's when I'm coming out of a fainting spell because I over done it. Sometimes I need a Doctor like House. So Please just give me the strength to get through this hard day. Take care, Peace!