Feeling Guilty from my Past!

These feelings come back to Haunt me when something changes in my life. It can be anything that triggers these thoughts and feelings. I live with guilt and most of the time I can go months and even years of where I don't think about things that I have done in my life which has caused my heart to feel guilty. Typically these thoughts come back when I get anxiety when sub-conscious feelings of being abandoned from my childhood happen. My hubby is going into a huge work project and will be working long hours and I believe this is why I have these feelings because I think I'm going to be abandoned. I know it sounds silly but I live my life in fear and deal with it on a regular basis of the insecurities I brought into my life by doing stupid destructive stuff. From my 4 years of therapy I've learned over time when things like this happen I can deal with it and not let things like this over run my life. I will explain more a little bit later what happened for me to feel guilty but I want to explain why I get like this first before I go into further deal why they just pop into my life once in a while. During my young adult life more in my early twenties I couldn't handle life. I was in a struggle trying to figure out my life and most of the trauma I had was destructive not only to myself but to the people I seriously hurt along the way. It's a part of my past I'm ashamed of and not only did I not like myself as a person I was pushing everyone away who wanted to help me. I believed I wasn't worth saving or to be loved and appreciated for who I was. It was a push and pull life where I was losing a game I didn't even start. It's like everything I went through as a teenager caught up with me and I was living my life running from all the pain and the feeling of not worth being born. I felt like I was fighting a war within myself of good and evil. It was a sad existence until years later I realized I wasn't taking responsibility for my life. I was choosing to hurt myself emotionally, physically and mentally. The child abuse I endured while I was a prisoner in my parents home affected me and once I left home all those feelings followed me. My parents abuse stopped only a little and then I started abusing myself. I didn't know how to stop and it was the only way I knew how to live. So in this time I was doing harmful things to myself like having sex with strangers, drinking my problems away and thinking this is what being an adult is all about experimenting with danger. This whole time I'm not taking the real responsibility for my actions and life but blaming everyone else for my sad sorry life. It's my parents fault for abusing me, my sisters for abandoning me, people leaving my life who in turned said they loved me. Each time I did something I wasn't proud of or new in my heart was not me, the girl in my heart, a little piece of me died to the point I didn't know who I really was. I was on the destructive path of doom and I didn't know how I could get off this crazy train I was living. I did things just so I could at least feel something. I wanted to feel alive and the only way I could feel something was to feel pain. I became a shell of my former life and when I looked into the mirror I didn't know who was looking back at me. This person wasn't me and it was someone I didn't like. I didn't know how to change who I was or where to start. This process took me years to figure out and I most likely will have to deal with some of these issues for the rest of my life like today for an example. Here called my rock bottom is an entry I wrote back in September when the tide of my life changed. It wasn't long ago but these struggles are my past and even though I don't live in my past anymore things can trigger things I thought I dealt with but apparently haven't so this entry is my therapy session. I figured out being abandoned is my issue today! I had a dream this morning which when I woke up really bothered me. It was a dream about an old friend of my husbands who I had a relationship with in real life(not physical). It was more with sexual conversions over the phone and over the Internet. JS and I liked to flirt with each other and after awhile it got more intense to the point I'm sure it would have ended up being a physical sexual relationship. I'm glad it didn't end up like this. We had opportunities where we could have hooked up but didn't. When I moved to Portland from Halifax our flirtatious fling got more involved and went to the next level. We weren't just chatting on the phone or chatting over the Internet anymore. JS could come over and visit us and when he would leave the next time we chatted over the Internet we would tell each other what we wanted to do to each other but couldn't. The reason: the husband. It was just a crazy game we did to see how far we could take it with no one suspecting a thing and for me it was how far can I get JS to go and what is he willing to do. JS and my online chats got pretty intense at times and even though I was using my husbands computer I'm sure if he really wanted to know what our chats were about I'm sure he had ways. I wasn't computer savvy at the time and when the husband and I had our talks he never said he read any of them. When I met the hubby for the first time JS and him were roommates. The week I visited the hubby for the first time we all hung out. In the beginning this relationship with JS was a friendship and nothing more. The dream this morning was about JS and I having a sexual encounter and the hubby walked in on us. In real life the hubby didn't catch us in the act but later I did tell him about all that went on between JS and myself. It's nothing I'm proud of and it's a shameful situation I had to face and deal with. My relationship with JS wasn't about sex or having feelings for the guy but more of a game. He was the guy of the moment and what makes it worse for me I knew getting involved with JS would only hurt my hubby and I did it any way. JS was my husbands friend and I manipulated the situation for my own gain. It was the whole feeling I'm going to hurt you first before you hurt me scenario. It didn't work really like that. JS and my relationship kind of ended like how it began. We were supposed to hook up together one night when the hubby and his roommate at the time went on a motorcycle ride and I had the house to myself. We had it all set up and he was going to come over but we both kind of realized what the hell we were about to do and that's it. I think the reality sank in and it wasn't a game anymore for the both of us and taking it to the top wasn't something we both wanted. He didn't come over that night and we stopped communicating with each other. He stayed away for months. Looking back now, I still wonder why on earth my hubby stayed with me because I wasn't a very nice person. I was very good at turning around situations and blaming other people for the decisions I made. I was full aware what I was doing which to me right now makes me feel guilty as all hell. I know it happened years ago and my husband and I worked through this and we had nights of talking about what I did and why I did it. We both moved on and were at a point in our relationship to move forward together. Dreams like this morning creep back when I feel my insecurities come flowing back. I can't help it when it happens but I do know I have the tools I learned in therapy can get me to face these insecurities and understand where they are coming from. Life can throw you a curve ball and understand that situations can spiral out of control if you allow yourself to let them. So my fear is being abandoned by my husband and my insecurities which drives me with fear. I don't think JS being in my dream was anything sexual but my own guilt manifesting in my own dream. It was like my brain showing me I need to work out my fear of this change coming into my life. My husband isn't abandoning me but I do have these feelings deep down. I have to acknowledge how I'm feeling and work through them. My fear is what drives me to do stupid stuff by implanting thought into my head like how dare my hubby is working long hours and not spending time with me so I'm going to get back at him for hurting me in this way. Who can I use to kick him where it hurts. I don't want to even go there. My dream this morning was letting me know, look you need to deal with this fear and this scenario can happen if you allow yourself to be run over by your insecurities and abandonment issues. So I'm dealing with them. I acknowledge they do exist and I'm looking at the big picture and I'll be okay. It's just my fear. It's one day at a time and this big project my hubby is doing will not last forever. I'm just working my program and living with hope and I'm just reflecting where I came from with new beginnings for the future. I'm in control and if I want to be destructive then I'm the stupid idiot. Life is happy and good for me in this moment so why the hell do I want to ever go back in the past and repeat all that chaos? Then I haven't learned a thing and what a shame that would be. Take care, Peace!!!! It's your life and do what you please but take responsibility for it.