My Happy Place!

I GOT TO SEE CHRIS TOMLIN..........TWICE!! Music is my happy place. When life hurts I turn to music and I allow it to swallow me whole. I have surrounded myself with music so it be on my phone, my computer, and in my car and when I can't handle my difficulties I put on my headphones and I surrender myself to let my pain  listen.

I would have to say I have leaned more onto Chris Tomlin's music the most. I have been blessed to see him in Concert twice and the last time I was so close I could hear him breath. That's not creepy or anything but I  had an awesome seat and the night was amazing.

The last few months have been great because I've had more dates with my husband during the day while the kids have been in school. It's been difficult for my whole family and we got each other and no matter what this Church throws at us we're together and our family will always come first.

Music has helped with my brokenness and I turn to it so I can remember what happiness looks like. So I can remember all the good in the world and remember all the good times I had. This year has thrown me some massive shit and I kid you not it has hurt as hell. I have been emotionally beaten this year and I'm ready for a vacation, a White Flag moment to regroup cause I've been getting hit in the crossfire. Talk about Causality of War so yes, I need a break from all that stuff.

Oh Well, my music is bringing me to where I'm supposed to be not where other people think I should be. I'm on solid ground today because I'm in my happy place. Take care, Peace!

To ease my suffering!

The one thing about going to Therapy I'm learning to look at my feelings and understand some emotions isn't a sign of weakness. Last night I read something and it sparked within me that I get it. You know I wanted to be strong in February and I didn't want to get mad because I felt that meant I didn't care for this person or could support him cause I got mad. I'm learning that's not the case. I held onto my suppressed anger from this situation way to long because I was afraid to let it out.

I'm so angry my heart burns because this person betrayed my trust. He sprang news into my soul and then left like what the fuck was that? Nothing and I'm supposed to sit and wait until he decides to contact people. Relationships are not one sided. I'm happy he's moving on but this wait and see is what's killing me and maybe it's that part of me that doesn't like surprises, the part that hates waiting and that part that likes to be prepared. I don't know but I think it's hard to sit and wait to see if he truly cared. I think that's the hardest for me. Did he really care?

I shared the night I was raped and how it destroyed me. The only person I shared that night with was my husband so to me opening up and talking about what I went through was massive. I also talked about having an abortion because I got pregnant from being raped. In the Christian Community, having an abortion you're not very popular and so talking to my Pastor's about why I was leaving the Church and I had enough of my silent abuse. They convinced me of staying within our Church so I stayed because what they said sounded good. Two weeks later I was sitting in my Lead Pastor's Living room hearing from my site Pastor's reason for leaving and stepping down. Then the shock of giving them the respect of not contact them while they are healing. What the fuck? I'm sorry because I'm angry about that. I may process my thoughts differently than the norm but that totally rocked my world and then having no contact with him or his family I was deeply hurt again. That hurt the most for me. Only Silence!

I truly do not like having PTSD but there is nothing I can do about that. My brain is truly wired differently and sometimes my reactions are not of my control. Last Tuesday at our Monthly Leadership meeting for our Church our second location the Leadership decided to close up shop and regroup. My Westside team worked so hard and in two weeks we're done, just like that. A lot of my pain is under the surface so when I'm reacting to stuff people only see one side of things. In public I'm a closed off machine but behind closed doors I'm a mess. All my senses going off at once, my anxiety is on fire and all I want to do is to escape with drugs and alcohol. That's pissing me off too because my husband won't buy me my alcohol. I hate my addictions. In this situation it would be so nice to have had a prescription to Ativan or something. It would be nice to not be able to think for awhile.

What tears me apart is they didn't trust me enough to be there friend and I could have been there but they choose not too. I'm angry because I gave blood and tears for this Church and for what? Nothing! It just breaks my heart and as much as I'm so angry my heart hurts and I'm sad what went down and I'm trying to search for the happiness in all this. All I can do right now is try and that's all I can do and mourn the loss of something I had no control over. Tomorrow may change and all I can do is move on! Take care, Peace!

keep it together, sort of!

I keep my emotions at bay because freaking out is what you do behind doors and staying cool during difficulty I feel is a strength so when I lose it like start crying in public to me, that's a weakness. I have a lot of situations I feel when I lose it is a weakness. I don't like showing weakness so when I do I beat myself up but this last situation I'm starting to not give a care which to me is another weakness. I promised myself I would treat people with kindness, love people for who they are in life and be kind because that's who I want to be so when my heart is losing the desire to love people that worries me. I don't want to be that person who doesn't care for people, who doesn't want to be a blessing to someone.

The Church my family is apart of is a little over 2 years and we've been serving within the walls of this Church from the beginning. I've been dealing with its bullshit far longer than I should. I have been broken, destroyed and torn down to nothing by the behavior, the selfishness and emotional draining to nothing by a large percentage of the rest of the body of Christ within this Church. I stood my ground and I fought hard to keep moving forward. I serve within this Church because Jesus has asked me too. I stayed but within my heart I was hurting, I was using everything I got to be what Jesus has asked me to be. I cry in silence and I look back and look at my life the last 2 years and I'm tired of the bullying, the feeling like I'm alone, silent pain no one understands but me.

I had a Pastor who by his actions messed me up pretty bad and I guess the good thing I got out of that situation is I was diagnosed with PTSD. I also realized that "Love" is just a word because I know when my Husband says it, it's coming from the depth of his heart and I believe him, I know Jesus Love's me but when these Church folks say it, I call bullshit. You don't come into my life say you care and love me then turn around and rip the very being from me, then not have any contact with me, no apology, no reaching out, and no action to say I want to be your friend.

When I was going through one of the hardest times in my Church Life there was no one. No one came and asked me how I was doing, no phone calls, no emails, no notes to reach out and give me Love. Give me something and for what? I stay because Jesus asked me to stay. Asked me to love these people even though I was hurting so bad the pain just kept coming, to want to love, and not one time did I feel like I belonged.

It makes my heart cry out when I read on Facebook all these posts about faith, fear and not having faith if I don't do this but I don't trust Jesus if I crumble in fear so whatever! No one understands how much I rely on Jesus and how much I suffer for him in spite of my difficulties and I keep walking into that Church ready to serve my Savior, the one who died for me because he loved me that much and he asked me to reach out to my community for help to save these girls within the evil world of Sex Trafficking.

I am hurting and sometimes I have asked myself why do I put up with this crap and the last 2 years Church has been hell for me. I don't trust anyone within the walls of my Church even includes the Leadership and the longer I stay the longer I wonder how strong I can stand up from this heartache  Jesus stands for me, he gives me strength and every time I feel like giving up he gets me strength because even though these people are God's Children too and they are loved just like me even though some of them act like bitches, I stay because of Him.

When I behave like I'm not wanting to care for people that makes me feel like I'm the bitch, I'm not a nice person, I'm just as bad as they are. I beat myself up for thinking all of that and who am I? I understand why no one likes me, why on the surface it's all nice and I'm not approachable, not worth it like other people and I have to fight it harder to be worthy. Jesus tells me different but in my heart is broken and one day I wish I could be seen for who I am then what people think I am.

I'm so frustrated, my mind is on overdrive, my thoughts all confusing, my heart hurting and for what? To feel alone in God's Church. I'm tired and one thing I learned from all this I have cried for him and I understand why he died for me, I truly do. I need his love to live! Take care, Peace!

The hard road!

What's my mission? It's exposing the horror of Human Trafficking here within the boundaries of the United States of America and what it looks like. It's not like the Movie Taken where girls are being grabbed off the streets. It's more intimate then that. It's more evil, more manipulative and more darker then people realize.

These girls are chosen into the business of the sex industry. No girl at the age of 13 chooses to be a prostitute, or a stripper. No girl at the age of 18 asks to be someone's bitch and to do sexual acts in some hotel room. They are chosen by pimps because they befriend these girls and gives them the idea of a dream that they desire. They feed into the life of the dream and these men know how to make these girls fall for it by being everything these girls need in a false hope these men provide them. They become the boyfriends, they become the person these girls need and the moment the line is crossed they have gotten them into doing what the men want by breaking them and these girls are never the same again. They are lured into the sex industry and some are lost to the business forever.

My job is to expose them, take them out of hiding so less girls are at risk to men like pimps, men who are buyers and men who think abusing girls is normal. The community needs to wake up because this is happening right now and a child is at risk to the horror of Human Trafficking and it's happening in our communities.

My job is to get more people aware so laws can be changed to protect this girls then have them be more victimized by the system then they already have been. This girls are not prostitutes but are prostituted children. Their is a difference and we should treat them as such because the moment we don't we have lost them to the system. We have lost their trust and we're making them into criminals and the criminals are the pimps and buyers not these girls.

My job is also finding funds to open safe houses for these girls so they can get back on their feet and get the support they need in a place of healing. The United States don't have many houses like this. That's a problem in my eyes. No girl needs to feel like no one cares about them. We need to love these girls and show them that their are healthy ways to live. They need to understand they have value and to do this they need houses away from the evil to get them back onto their feet. They are not victims but survivor's and they should have support .

I have a lot of jobs and with determination I will forge through and my hope is to save more children from the horror's of the sex industry. Sometimes I feel like I'm not making a dent but I have to remember this will take time and the more people I talk to about Sex Trafficking the more people will open up and then they will talk about it. We can end this child abuse to our children. It could be your child, your neighbor's kid and with knowledge we can save our kids from men who think they can use them for their sick games. I have hope! Take care, Peace!

Move over and make some room!

New changes are coming my way. I was knocked down pretty hard and sometimes I don't want to ask why but I do want to know the answer for why. I'm not going to live my life in the dark, I'm not going to allow my heart to be crushed and I'm going to try my hardest to stand on my own two feet when the wind blows.

I'm going to make more room to for what makes me happy, I'm going to look through the eyes of pure love then if the world is hating me. I know it's going to be better for me. When you have seen the darkest of lows you know what's staring you straight in the face if it's good for you or not. Changes are coming and it's like an fuck you to the devil and I'm not going to allow him to steal my happiness.

It's been along road of destruction in my life. I'm dealing with a heavy blow to my inner peace but I'm slowly coming back from that. I'm going to make some serious changes to my life. I'm working on fixing a lot of me that's still broken. I'm working on the inner me because my children are worth it and my relationship with my husband is very important to me and he's worth it to me.

I can't promise anything but I know that I can only go is up because living in darkness sucks and as much as I felt pressured to become an idea of what a Christian I should be it has hurt me. I decided to be who I am because that's all I can be. I don't need a label to tell me what I'm not but be the person God has intended me to be. I just want to treat people like I want to be treated. I may be a shy and quiet person but I have a lot to say and I'm ready to shine a light in this world.

Love and Peace!

Kiss my ass!

I made changes within my life which has been along time coming. I'm sure some people will never notice but that's okay because I really don't care anymore. It's so frustrating when you feel like you have to scream in a crowded room just to be seen and when you are seen, no one cares.

I will always be the loner and maybe that was my problem. Here I was trying so hard to fit in but in the end I was getting myself hurt. I'm not going to allow that anymore. Sometimes I felt like I had no hope to belong somewhere and each and every time I end up being the outsider anyway.

I will always be me and I will never compromise on who I am for anyone. This Bitch is back baby!!

When life goes crazy.... for real!

This past February had been one crazy month for me and my family. Earlier in the month I overdosed on Benedryl and a lot of it. In my crazy spun up mind I was so tired of hurting, so tired of all the crap going on in my mind. The hurt, the loss of trust, the loss of my personal being and I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to lay down and die. It was a very traumatic time for me. The week before my Pastor stepped down and then various situations piled onto it.  Then here was Tuesday night, the kids were in bed, the Husband at a meeting and I was alone. I did what I could in the idea of what I needed at the time. I never felt so crushed, burnt and destroyed in my life. My heart didn't know how to handle all the million a mile thoughts whirling around in my mind. My head hurt and my heart hurt and the taunting, the told you so's, the blunt blow to my heart of all the thoughts pounding through me destroying me one at a time. I felt this was what killed me because I had nothing left to give. This was what smashed my life out and I felt like this was better to end then to keep living like I was being punished just because I existed.

When the medicine wasn't doing what I wanted it to do I texted my Husband. After that I came in and out of consciousness and I kind of remember some of what was going on. I remember waking up in the emergency room and them telling me they were admitting me under suicide watch. My Husband called 911 when he got home. The next morning I felt really defeated and apart of me was upset I didn't die. I didn't want to be brave and deal with my life. I felt like it was a struggle to just survive my life and I didn't want to keep doing it anymore. I talked to the Social Worker at the Hospital and I agreed to taking an Outpatient Program. So the following day I had my assessment and Friday the 8th I started my 15 day program.

I felt relief when I was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't need to take medication. The post traumatic stress disorder was triggered by situations stemming by my Pastor stepping down. I think that really gave me some hope and I decided to put the effort into my program.

I know my family didn't ask for this and I know it was hard on my kids because our schedule changed and it was hard juggling homework and it was a hard 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for finishing the program. I start therapy in a month and I will join a group therapy in a few weeks too. I'm in a good place. It's been hard and I found my smile and hopefully over time I can heal this part that got trampled on during this hardship in my life.

I felt like I was thrown back into darkness and apart of me felt I deserved to be there, My downfall was quick and painful. I still remember the heaviness on my chest. I hope to never be there again. I hope what I learned from my training will help me in future situations.

I was in my darkest moment in my life and I hope someday I can look back and realize why I went there but until then I'll keep walking with one foot forward one at a time. Take care, Peace!!!!

Wired Differently!

There's nothing left of me cause you thrown me away like yesterdays trash. You drop a bomb into my life and then tell me you want space. How am I supposed to process that? How am I supposed to move on? I trusted the words you spoken. Only silence and you broken the trust of the life you told me I was worth yet then I look into the mirror and I see the opposite of what you see.

You can't expect me to walk this path alone. I came from broken then you promised to raise me up to turn around and smash me on the ground. I feel like I'm losing my way. My heart dragged through this emotional train of despair because you put me there. I just want to retreat from this place because all it's doing is getting me burnt.

Why? Why did you put me here? Why did you even help me? Why knowing you would turn around and destroy the very part of my soul that was healing? I don't understand and I'm trying to find answers to all this chaos because I'm here searching for the meaning of it all. Why you even cared?

How do you expect I would take this news? So confused and I'm trying to fight the voices within. Each day it's a new day and I don't think I'll ever be the same. I don't think I can open up the possibility that what happened will ever change. Broken with my shattered dreams.

You have to give me time to process all of this. I have to fight that once was and look through this with deepen sympathy. Hear my heart because it's crying for you. I'm not angry and I don't know if I can be. I'm just feeling like I wasn't worth enough for you to tell me the truth.

I feel conflicted because my work is to expose men for who they really are. This is where my journey leads me but every time I want to follow my path I get slammed against the wall with your face staring back at me. How hard that must feel for me to be the one who's causing you so much of your pain.

Here I am feeling the raw emotions of fighting back the urge to run. I'm fighting my old life, fighting the feelings of the voices of shame. The voices of blame. The voices of who I never meant to be. This is what you are doing to me and I sit in silence while life going on. Life is moving forward and I'm sitting here fighting with the voices within. Yes, we all need space to process this pain. Yes, we all need time for healing.

I just want to scream my heart out at you. Darkness is creeping in and it's crippling me and I don't want to go back there but you put me there with the exposure of who you really are. Is this my story? I don't think I can live like this. Throw me off this train and let me go because I'm asking you to. On the day we cross our paths again we'll be strangers within the sea of people. You don't hear me no more and that means I got my freedom to dust off the pain

It's my voice of freedom and I can follow my heart song once again. I don't know if that place darkness wants me is really in me. I think circumstance wants to put me there but someday I will look back to see my life's song during this time was never meant to be mine but was meant to be yours.

I have my dreams and I'll keep fighting for what's keeping me going. I don't know where I'll be going but I do know this I'll get past the pain and while I'm sitting here I'll be looking forward because no one will keep me here trying to push me into the darkness again.

I have figuring out to do because I'm wired differently then you. Take care, Peace!

When Darkness slips in!

I am so sleep deprived because last night every time I fell asleep my mind went places so I was up most of the night. I think over all I had about 2 hours of horrible sleep plus the kids are home from school today because of some teacher conference.  So I'm not a coffee drinker but I"m serious of brewing me up several pots of it to keep the caffeine going.

The kids are up playing in there rooms so I have some time to reflect, pray and try not to fall apart like I kept doing yesterday but my heart is sad, it's breaking and I can't reach out and it's really bothering me. I just want to head over to my friends house and tell them my family loves his family. We are here supporting him and will keep supporting him. I want to tell him my journey is giving awareness to minor sex trafficking here in the USA and what I do doesn't mean I'm trying to hurt him.  I want to tell him his weakness doesn't define him. I want to tell him how sorry I am because all the posts I had on Facebook wasn't something he wanted to see all the time especially what he was doing was the very thing I was exposing. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to destroy him or expose his weakness. I didn't know and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!

I hope he responses to my card I sent him. I hope he reaches back because our stories crossed for a reason.    It can't just be this. Oh man, my heart is breaking like waves come over me and I can't breath. I can't apologize for following my own journey but the pain deep within my soul is crying out and the tears reach the surface and I know I have to move on believing he's safe and Leaders of the Church are taking care of him. I have to believe he's on the road to healing and I have to believe this will not swallow me whole and not let darkness in and at times, I'm afraid it all ready has.

I would feel so much better if I knew he was okay. I don't like the unknown and I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him he's loved. Just because I'm an Advocate for Sex Trafficking doesn't mean I see him differently.

Man, I just want to call him up, I want to send him a Text Message, I want to send his wife a Text Message and I just want to send him an email but at the Emergency Church Meeting his family wants some space so I have to respect their wishes.

I thought the Abortion debate was hard enough but this just tops the cake. I didn't expect this news. It wasn't even on my radar of things to be an issue but here it is facing me. Yes, it's facing me staring right at me expecting me to react to the news like it's waiting for me to move. Will I fall apart or will I rise to the difficulty? I don't even know. My lack of sleep is swaying me all over the place good and bad. Maybe I'll leave it at that and go take care of my children. I just know, I got Jesus this time. Take Care, Peace!

When the ship goes down!

I have a friend who in my heart is a good person who loves everyone like Jesus loves this world but he has his sins like everyone else does. You may think so what? what's the big deal? Well when you belong to a Church and have a leadership roll (and I don't quite get it)  and when you have sinned like this you end up having to step down from your leadership roll. It rocked my little church family and it has rocked me. I love this guy cause he's good and I'm not angry and my heart hurts for him and his family.

I'm not taking the news well. My world got shattered once more but you know God's going to lift me up and lift my friend up and he's going to get through this season and even though our lives crossed journey's in the end it will be all for God's Glory. I believe this and when I'm healing my heart and I step up in faith I'm doing what God's calling me to do and I'm going to forge through with giving awareness to minor sex trafficking. I'm not going to let this circumstance stop me from doing what's best.

He is forgiven in my eyes. He's not to walk in shame. He'll get the help he needs and his family will overcome this. I knew something was off this past weekend and their absence from Service this past Sunday made me reach out to his wife. I'm not going to let the enemy win.

I know why our life journey's crossed paths because his journey and mine will help me heal me and help him heal him. I will support him and maybe someday he will know I don't see him differently then the loving person he is.

When you're in the line of work as I'm going into as being an Advocate for Sex Trafficking and you have a friend who let the enemy destroy  in his weakness I can see why he would be worried how I would handle the news. I let him into my world, telling him my secrets, my pain, my distrust with men and I know it hurts deeply like the stabbing in my heart. I know that's not him. He's good and I'm not going to let Satan bring him down.

I just want what's best for my friend. I support him and his family even if I never see him again. He has a friend in me.  Take care, Peace!

When Life Stops!

I truly understand how my Hubs must of felt when his world stopped when I got Pneumonia almost two years ago and I was in and out of the Hospital.

Yesterday was my turn. I woke up like I always did and my hubs was home telling me we needed to go to the Emergency Room. His whole left side was numb, his upper back hurt and various other symptoms. I was upset he didn't wake me up sooner. I slept in until 10:30 am and he took the kids to school at 8:25 am. I was not pleased he waited that long because I was thinking blood clot or stroke.

We got to the Emergency Room checked in and I told him to call his Mother and let her know and she would have to pick the kids up after school and take care of them until we got any news back. When they took his vitals his blood pressure was high and that worried me.

When they called him back it took awhile until we saw the Doctor and when he did finally come to see my Hubs he decided to order a Chest X-ray, blood tests, an MRI and the ER Doctor wanted to consult the Stroke Team. Heart Problems is high in my Hubs family Medical History. It scared me and I tried keeping it together.

So during various trips to get food or a drink I kept reports going on Facebook and I texted his Pastor. I haven't gone through something so scary before. He's the love of my life, he's my Rock, he's everything to me and I'm waiting for bad news, I'm preparing for the worst and what I'll be facing. I can do this, I can be his Rock now. I needed Jesus to get me through this. I need him to carry me through this so I can be there for my Hubs. I had to be strong for him because he did it for me. Life may get hard and I was preparing for that. I will be strong.

After 5 hrs and a bunch of tests later he will not be dying anytime soon but he will need to see his Primary Doctor for more tests to find the cause for his numbness. He didn't have a Stroke, he didn't have any blood Clots and his Heart is Healthy, his Lungs were Healthy and his blood work came out really good. Thank you Jesus. I can breath now. Take care Peace!

It's a New Year!

Wow, Plenty of good and crappy and just all up anxiety has happened within the New Year. First off, I spent New YearsEve cramped in the house because our Car decided to stop working December 30, 2012. My family only has one Car because our tax paying Budget only covers for one Car and not two so we couldn't go anywhere. I was bummed so I made the family watch the Sound of Music and I loved it and we forgot to ring in the New Year when that time came around. It was past 1 am when the movie got over and my two little children stayed up way to late so we put them to bed and that's about it. Nothing Earth shattering or special other than spending it with my family happened.

New Years Day we decided to take the Bus to see a Movie with the kids. We promised them a Movie over their Christmas Break but instead of taking the Bus we walked instead and it wasn't too far of a walk and we all loved it. We watched the Rise of the Guardian and we all loved it. After the Movie we decided it wasn't too far and we walked to Target and then Barnes and Noble because my daughter got herself a gift card for Christmas and wanted to pick up her New Book from her Wolf book series she's reading. Then for Dinner we walked to Five Guys. Over all it was a really great day and one to remember.

The following day I drank the last of my Diet Rockstars and Diet Pepsi so off to the store we walked. It was a beautiful day, the sun was out and the family was doing good and when we got to the store we took a break and decided to have a snack. That's when the Hubs got the call about our Car. It would cost $2300 to fix the car. I was heartbroken because we were planning on paying off our son's Kindergarten Tuition with that money. We saved it, we didn't spend it and here that money had to be used to fix the car. We need a Car yet at the same time I felt defected like you have a plan and everything is going good and you hit a wall. So we're back to paying each month but still we could have used that monthly expense for something on our list to pay off. It's just a shitty situation all around.

Last Friday January 4th I decided to write an email to my Pastor explaining why I was leaving the Church. It was a heart felt email and explained how I felt and why I felt it and at first, I wasn't going to send it but decided I had to stick up for myself. I'm tired of so called Christian's say they are for Love but keep pointing out sins especially my sin. How am I to heal? with the healing I need to do is about my Abortion, heal that part why I chose the Abortion and deal with the healing of my rape. I can't do that when I'm with several Christian's who say they care about me but then turn around and post hurtful things on Facebook about Abortion. I lost it and I'm hurt so I decided without telling my husband I was leaving the Church.

That was my Stand so after I sent it I had two emails in my inbox, both from my Pastor. First one was my Recommendation Letter I have been waiting 2 months for and our weekly Church News Letter which it read to pray so bitterness doesn't breed hatefulness. Lets just say I felt like the biggest Ass and it just shattered my whole being. I kept myself busy and Sunday rolled around, the Car was fixed and all my Laundry was done and put away, I rearranged my Closet, I went shopping and I spent time with both kids on their various video games and I kept busy because I was afraid if I sat still my mind would wander so Sunday morning I got up, got the kids ready for Church and said goodbye to them and watched them drive away and I sat down and cried and I cried for a good long time. I slept some the night before but mostly I stayed up with the Hubs and talked. I explained why I wrote the letter, I explained my feelings and he seemed to understand and told me I should make some time to sit down with the Pastor to talk about it. I almost had an anxiety attack. So while set up was going on, my hubs and I were texting each other back and forth. He told me he talked to the Pastor and that he read my email and he wanted to talk to me about it. My hubs put in a prayer request for the Church to pray for me and he told me the prayer was really nice by the Pastor which made my heart hurt even more. I have never felt so alone and defected before because this time hurt, this time somewhere deep within my soul needs to be sitting in the pew (okay Movie Theater..aka Church meets in a Theater) on Sunday Morning, serving with kids, being togetherness with Believers in Christ. So when I decided to walk away it crushed apart of me.

Is this where my walk in my Journey I call my life going? Am I just being Human and doing it alone because that's my sin nature or Am I being lead away from the Church because Jesus has other plans for me. I know know and My mind is frazzled and confused and torn. I've been praying, I've been seeking him through worship. I'm singing like crazy and it's driving me a little out of sorts. I guess I want answers right now so I can know what to do. Where am I going? Am I just being a tool and should go back to Church and it's like my Life is in wait mode and I don't like it. Should I go or should I stay? So many questions and zero answers!

My heart is hurting, my soul is crying out and I just want some peace. My mind is all over the place. I kept checking my email every 5 seconds yesterday just hoping but my Pastor is in Southern California on some Pastor Conference/retreat/business and I feel all alone. I also had my yearly Doctor appointments. I guess they changed the guidelines for Diabetes Control which makes my numbers why out of control. I'm being sent to a team of Diabetic Specialists to rein in my control and go back on Insulin. I didn't fight it this time around. I'll take those stupid needles and I'll go to their stupid classes and support groups. I don't want to lose my Kidney's, or eye sight and my Doctor thinks my Chronic Pain is due to my Diabetes and someday the medication I'm taking will not help with that. I don't want that to happen so I'm listening now.

So Here I am on Tuesday January 8th with my heart broken, lonely, feel misunderstood, feeling out of control, and wondering if life will be different this year. I sent in my application for a Volunteer Position to help give awareness for Human Trafficking. My mind is a little nutty and hopefully once I get some time to sit with my Pastor to hash out that needs to be hashed out and I don't run in the opposite direction, life should hopefully settle out again....I pray for peace and I may just get it in the form of a CD today. Chris Tomlin's BurningLight CD is out today and I'm going to go get it later. I'm also going to his Concert in April. I have lots of good things coming down the road. I just hope I get there. Take care, Peace!