Songs of a tired mother!

I think I'm having an off day just like my son was having today but instead of crying every few minutes like he was doing I was reaching for prayer to get me through the slow minutes I'm dragging my feet from one moment to the next. I'm trying to find some solitude in a chaotic life with medical problems and I'm trying to figure out a way to have more patience with the medical profession. My health issues are coming into a play with my inner peace and I'm not liking it. I've been praying a lot lately to just give me some strength to just do the little things in my life which are getting so hard for me lately or more like the last two years. I figured once the little boy was born my body would heal its self and I would be on my way but it hasn't been that easy for me. Health issues are a pain in my ass and I've come to accept some of them like the anemia aspect of it all but the rundown feeling like I can't function on a daily bases is getting old. It's not like I want to be this way. I want to be able to do the little things with my children. I want to take them to the park, watch my daughter ride her bike or just run around throwing the ball in the backyard with the kids. These are simple things I want to be able to do but I've been sitting on the sidelines only able to watch them do these things which is so sad for me. Anyone who knew me as a kid knows how active I was in sports and full of life and I want to be able to do those things with my kids. It has put a hole in my heart and it makes me feel like such a failure as a mother. I know and I'm trying my hardest to understand right now I don't have control. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself. I'm working the program Doctor's have laid out for me. I'm watching what I eat, taking my drugs and making sure life is better but it's not enough to be where I want to be. I know healing is a process but it's been over two years since I've been dealing with these issues. It gets tiring after awhile. It brings me down and I'm trying my hardest to understand my lesson with this. What am I missing or what haven't I done so I can get better? What do I need to do to turn my health around so life seems easier for me. My children need me to be the best mother I can be but it's not fair for them to have a sick mother who tries so hard to be there for them but can't do some of the simple things life has to offer. I know my children know I love them and I give them love and a safe place to fall. I could just be too hard on myself right now because I'm frustrated. To me it's not enough, I want to be here fully and that means being healthy without limitations. I know it's not a perfect world and I don't want it to be but is it too much to ask to be healthy enough to do fun playful things with the children without having to watch from the sidelines because something could happen? My fainting spells have gotten worse lately so I have to limit myself so that doesn't happen especially when the hubby is at work which for me I have to watch what I'm doing and don't over do it physically. It just pains my heart and there is nothing I can do right now to make it better for my children and my family. I want to be here for them for along time but I'm burning out. I should be slowly getting better health wise but I've been going downhill. Blood tests haven't caught anything abnormal and each test is on the borderline of normal to low. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful I don't want cancer but Doctor's haven't diagnosed me with anything. They still don't know what caused my anemia or why all of a sudden I have hypostatic blood pressure. They keep pointing to my Diabetes for all the medical problems but are still not 100% sure my Diabetes is causing all of these problems. My Diabetes have been controlled for awhile. Yes, it drives the Doctor's crazy I'm not considered a normal Diabetic and what's normal to me isn't whats normal in a Medical Textbook so figuring out how to fix me is hard. I react to new drugs like a sponge and they start working really well for example the procrit. It should take someone a month or two to accept the drug in the body before you start to see results, for me it took two weeks. The same with insulin. I just have a high acceptance rate with medical drugs but each time a new problem arises they don't understand why it should be possible because all tests show I'm normal. I got an EKG done and my heart is fine and every related test shows my heart is doing it's job but my pulse rate is high but my cholesterol is normal. My body doesn't make sense to Doctor's so it's hard for them to diagnose me. The anemia drove me crazy because I wasn't in a category of anemia like iron deficiency etc but now I just say I have anemia which I take drugs for. It was like during the pregnancy with the son. I had early signs of preclampsia but my blood pressure was in the normal range. I didn't have high blood pressure but my body thought I did and got the symptoms of it. Another example last September I was in the ER twice for dehydration and had a sodium drip to raise my blood pressure but when the tests came back days later it showed I wasn't dehydrated at all but just had really low blood pressure. So it's frustrating and sometimes I let this get me down because I feel like I'm a medical freak. I can scream on the top of my lungs I'M NORMAL but really I'm not. Doctor's don't know how to look outside the box and figure out what is causing all these medical problems. At least, they know something is wrong with me. Even though tests come back normal somethings don't add up. The anemia is a great example. I get my CBC blood count done every 3 months. It shows I am anemic but the other tests show my iron level is normal. Here is a medical education about Anemia: A person whose blood is low in red blood cells has anemia. Red blood cells carry oxygen (O2) to tissues and organs throughout the body and enable them to use the energy from food. Without oxygen, these tissues and organs—particularly the heart and brain—may not do their jobs as well as they should. For this reason, a person who has anemia may tire easily and look pale. Anemia may also contribute to heart problems. Healthy kidneys produce a hormone called erythropoietin, or EPO, which stimulates the bone marrow to produce the proper number of red blood cells needed to carry oxygen to vital organs. Diseased kidneys, however, often don’t make enough EPO. As a result, the bone marrow makes fewer red blood cells. Other common causes of anemia include blood loss from hemodialysis and low levels of iron and folic acid. These nutrients from food help young red blood cells make hemoglobin, their main oxygen-carrying protein. If no other cause for anemia is found, it can be treated with a genetically engineered form of EPO which I use called Procrit. Okay, this information is useful to understand my level of EPO is normal. My kidneys produce enough of this hormone but the reason I'm taking procrit even though I produce enough on my own because my body responses well to the procrit which in turn raises my red cell count in my bone marrow. My body doesn't produce enough red blood cells on it's own and they don't know why because every other tests, bone marrow biopsy, blood tests etc shows nothing to cause my anemia except I don't produce enough red blood cells. The same way with my Diabetes. I'm not a type 1 or a type 2. My body thinks I'm a type 2 Diabetic but acts like a type 1. So in turn I just say I'm an Insulin Dependant Diabetic. Time goes by and each test shows nothing is wrong with me but they can't figure out why my body acts the way it does. It's like we know you are Anemic but why you're Anemic we don't know. It's like I'm constantly having an infection the Doctor's can't pinpoint where. Blood tests show I got an infection but where they don't know. It's like what do you mean I got an infection and what does it mean you don't know where in my body the infection is? So I take antibiotics to fix a ghostly infection and hope the drugs clears whatever is plaguing my body. Sometimes I think it's just all in my head and nothing is wrong with me but that's when I'm coming out of a fainting spell because I over done it. Sometimes I need a Doctor like House. So Please just give me the strength to get through this hard day. Take care, Peace!

Are you Serious?

I got this question the other day and I can say no, not really. I couldn't possibly go through my life being serious all the time. I could say I'm working on being better making good decisions but being serious isn't my middle name. Sure I can be serious when I need to be but all the time I would have to lean towards more just doing the best I can in the moment. I can seriously say and understand why parents hate glitter. I loved glitter as a child but when you have children of your own then glitter comes over rated. It's everywhere and the vacuum cleaner never picks it up and then one day it's gone like vanished...pouf it's gone. Weird, wonder what's that's all about? I raised my voice to the son this morning to get his attention to not eat the glue stick he was chewing on and the daughter said "say it, don't spray it mommy", she is a cute character and the things she says just makes my day at times. I keep telling the daughter her little brother is his own person and can make his own decisions when he doesn't want to do something with her. I asked her this morning to go clean up her play room and she comes back with "no, I'm my own person and I don't want to do it", I can't wait until she's a teenager with how much fun she'll be :) She's going to be 4 in 2 months. My hubby says she's an Aries and I'm a Sagittarius so of course we'll butt heads. I think I need to out smart my genus daughter is more like it. She definitely keeps me on my toes and I think it's a good thing. Well I got things to do but soon I want to share a new PS3 game the hubby and I play together. It's fun, frustrating, throw the joystick at the TV fun. I like a game my hubby and I like to do together. Sometimes just watching TV or sitting in the same room playing on our own laptops is not enough so the hubby found this game and I tried it and last night we were going to play for an hour before bedtime. We ended up going to bed at 1am because we got involved. See ya later!!

Lottery Tickets are for responsible Children!!!!

I have a funny story to share about the daughter. She got a purse on Friday so I put a dollar in it before I give it to her because it's good luck to put money in a purse before you give it to someone. Well the hubby gave her another dollar so what did she want to spend her big $2 on.......was buy a lottery ticket. Of all the things she wanted to spend her money on. It's not like "us" her parents buy lottery tickets every week but we agreed to allow her. I know what you are thinking..the daughter is almost 4 and shouldn't be thinking about the lottery. She picked the store she had to buy her ticket at and when we got there the hubby helped her with the machine and she put her ticket in her new purse. The next day we went back to check her ticket. She walked up to the machine, put the ticket up for scanning and then said "I didn't win" then put the ticket in the garbage with all the rest of the losing tickets and walked away. I had to laugh! For one, I didn't think my child could read let alone do something so grownup. Then we went and bought some glue sticks. I'm kind of curious what she wants to do next!!! I'll have to wait and see. Take care, Peace!!!

Running on Empty!

The hubby and I got ourselves a Wii Fit. The cost of the thing is to be desired but we bought one so I guess I should start using it. My BMI is great but my fitness level stinks. I'm 34 and it said I have a fitness level of a 51 year old. Ouch!!!! The children are running around naked screaming there happy heads off and all I can do is sit here staring into space. I don't even know why they are naked but they are. I guess it's better than having them try and kill each other. The son is on the way to outweigh his older sister and he figured out he can punch his sister in the face and actually do some damage. It's not a great thing. When they are playing nice it warms my heart so the volume level gets pretty high but I just try to tune it out because I would rather hear laughter and kids having fun then crying any day. The son has a cry that makes your head ring and the daughter when she screams in frustration just jabs you in the ears with a volume of intensity. So I'm watching the children play around having a good time doing some naked dance which to me is pretty funny. I thought once I started my new vitamin's my energy level would go up but sad to say it hasn't. The last few weeks I feel like I'm running on empty and I don't know how long I have before something gives out. I don't want to think what that could be. Oh well, I can only do so much. I'm tired so back to watching my children enjoy there childhoods. Enjoy life!!!!!

Music is what it is!

Okay, it's been one of those weeks where it seemed like it would never end. I had a rough week medically speaking. My body was on a break and the rest of me wasn't. I have a life with young children who needed me and a house to keep up with and I did have help with most of the daily chores from the mother-in-law I still was drained. I don't like feeling like I can't do stuff and one of my weaknesses is to ask for help. I'm doing much better in this department but still, I have problems relying on help. I got to sleep in this morning and even though I slept for 11 hours I needed it. I picked up a cool headset for my laptop so now I can listen to my music when the kids are watching one of there TV shows so I don't have to feel like I'm going stupid at times. Music is my expression. When I'm having a hard time expressing myself Music helps me figure out my feelings, good, bad and just indifferent. I've always had music in my life and I count on it to help me deal with issues in my life and I can just let myself relax and allow the feeling of sound, vocal and the beat of music to let everything I'm holding inside to come out. The music player I have up on my blog is music I enjoy listening to. If you ever want to know more about me, just listen to my music collection. I typically like all kinds of music from all genres but mostly the songs I have chosen on here have some history in my life from heartbreak to love and everything in between. Right now, I'm having a hard time just keeping it together for the sake of my family. My body is so worn out and I'm tired all the time and I want to do stuff but I can't because that's what it is. I can't control what I don't have control over. Sometimes I just want to give up but I know that's not me. I'm a fighter and nothing can't stop me when I have my mind set on something. I guess that's who I am, don't tell me I can't do something because I will prove to you I can. It may take me forever but I will prove it. I also listen to music when I'm sad like even though my life is going strong things are going good I still once in awhile feel sad. I don't get it and maybe it's something I haven't dealt with from my past but some underlining issue I haven't let my heart touch because it's to painful. Whatever the reason I know sometime I will face it and work it out. I love listening to music to lift up all the burden from my heart. It feels so good to just have a good cry sometimes just to cry and you don't even need a reason to cry. I'm the kind of person to just let things build up like it's something I learned as a wee little one to not deal with my feelings. I wanted the world to know I was this tough little cookie but I let my heart to hold all my pain until I couldn't take it anymore and then I would explode. I would have to say Music is my saving grace along with some special people in my life. Sometimes I listen to music to just feel alive. When I was younger still living at home I would listen to the radio just to feel something. I was trained to not feel unless it had a smile behind it. I wanted to break down and hide myself in a hole. It was easy to just show the shy fake smile and after awhile you started believing in this fake world. So listening to music I let myself feel something which was real then some mask I was wearing. Most of the time I crank up the volume so it's just me and the music or I put some music on and I sing my heart out. I can't do the singing as much as I used to because of the children but I will put my headset on when the hubby is home and I will escape into my music. Music is my cheap therapy. I live and breath music. I believe my faith in life is driven by some sort of musical inspiration. Music isn't just something I listen to in the background of my life. I don't know how many times music has helped me in my life. I think if I don't listen to music on a regular basis I would go nuts. I don't know but it's like my calm in the middle of the storm called life. Music is the one thing in my life that hasn't disappointed me. I have never been disappointed by music or have been hurt from music which at a young age I learned very clear disappointment ran deep within my family especially from my parents. So when I'm having a bad day or just need some comfort I can turn on some music and know I'll be okay. I will always be okay knowing I have something to lean on when life is a disappointment or when things are going great and I can reflect on the achievements that life has to offer. I'm so proud I made it this far and I worked my ass off to turn my sorry sad life around. I had many days of thinking if I would ever make it but the great thing about that, I did and I can look back at the struggle of my life and can say I never gave up. Sometimes I wanted to give up more often than not but I will have to say I'm a survivor and could never let someone else win. Take care, Peace!!!!

Tired!

My hubby went to Cali for business on Sunday and I thank the mother in law for coming over to help me because with her here I'm still drained and feel like shit. I needed the help and now the hubby is coming home tonight my help went home. I'm having a rough patch medically speaking and I've haven't done much of anything the last several days. Oh well, I just hope it's a rough patch and nothing else. I had a Doctor's appointment this morning. It went good. I gained a pound, my blood pressure was okay but not great. In a month time I will go on some form of medication but I have some homework to do in the meantime. I will have to write down everything I eat, write when I have a symptomatic episode and how I felt during this time, blood sugar reading and the whole works like house work, going out shopping. Times, dates and all. Basically what I do during the day. It sounds like so much work. It has to be done and I hope this next month the Doctor's will have a better understanding what is causing all my medical woes. I'm tired and life is struggling. I'm so happy my family lifts me up. Watching my beautiful children get me through the day. Keep your head up high and peace!

Stargate Atlantis-final goodbye!

I was not disappointed with the final end to SGA. Season Five was great. All the episodes this season wasn't a disappointment after it was announced the show was ending. Each episode would go by and I couldn't think why they would end this show but who knows the real reason, money is my guest. I went into the final show excited and I hoped everything would turn out for the best and I wanted it to end with a happy note. To my surprise it ended the way I hoped. Okay I suck at doing a review so on the Gateworld website here I'm going to use there outline of what Enemy At The Gate is about because they can explain it better than I can and in bold is what I added in. The team learns that a rogue Wraith has acquired several Z.P.M.s ( Zero Point Module's-power source the Ancients use to run there technology) to power a formidable new hive ship -- and he is headed for Earth. Todd contacts Atlantis and reveals that a Wraith subordinate has managed to acquire several Zero Point Modules that he has used to power a formidable new hive ship. He urges Woolsey to attack and destroy before it becomes a threat to Atlantis. On board the Daedalus ( One of many Earth Vessels equipped with Asgard Technology) , Colonel Caldwell, Colonel Sheppard and the rest of the team, rush to engage the new hive ship. But the Z.P.M. powered vessel proves itself an impressive opponent, crippling the Daedalus before making a sudden and inexplicable jump into hyperspace. Puzzled over the Wraith's sudden departure, the team picks up a weak subspace signal in Wraith code. McKay is quick to recognize that the communique was sent, through subspace, from another reality. Once deciphered, their worst fears are realized. The Wraith message contains a familiar set of coordinates. The hive ship is on its way to Earth! Okay that's all the write up on Gateworld. I'll finish my take on the rest of the episode. After they realize the Wraith Hive Ship is on it's way to Earth and now the Daedalus is severely not in working shape to get back in time, the team uses the last of the ZPM's to fly Atlantis to Earth. Col. Sheppard was sent back to Earth through the Stargate to Stargate Command just in case Atlantis doesn't get there in time. Sheppard is back on Earth and after he arrives realizes the Hive ship got to Earth sooner than they expected. The Ancient chair they found in Antarctica years ago Sheppard thought he could get there in time to help fight against the Wraith but little did he know they moved the chair to Area 51. Sheppard decided to use a one of Stargate Commands aircraft and deter the Wraith darts away from Area 51 but the Wraith succeeded and destroyed the chair. On Atlantis, they find out the Stargate isn't working, realized what is going on, McKay, Ronon, Teyla, and Lorne go through the gate and the other end is on the Hive Ship. Sheppard decided to be Sheppard and fly his aircraft up to the Hive ship and set off a Nuclear Bomb. I think it was more of a suicide mission myself but that's Sheppard for you. The team is on the hive ship fighting off the Wraith and Ronon gets stabbed and dies. I couldn't believe they killed Ronon off and then the rest of them leaves him there. ( I could say I wasn't at all pleased) Sheppard realizes the rest of the team is on board with him. They set up a plan. While the rest of the Atlantis Team on Atlantis is on it's way to Earth Zelanka figures out a risky way for Atlantis to travel faster through space. Woolsey agrees with the idea. So now Ronon is died and the rest of the team looks like they are going to be blown up with a Nuclear Bomb and the whole time I'm sitting there thinking it wasn't cool they killed off Ronon. A Wraith finds Ronon and gives him his Wraith life force to ask Ronon how many of them are on his Hive. Stupid reason to bring someone back but at least, Ronon is alive again. The team finds Ronon kill some more Wraith and right before the bomb goes off they were able to escape through the gate to the Alpha Site. Atlantis is badly damaged by the Hive and comes crashing to Earth but makes it through the Atmosphere and glides into the Pacific Ocean. The ending shows the team standing on one of many balcony's over looking the San Francisco Bay with the Golden Gate bridge right in front of them. The End! From Gateworld: I thought they pulled out all the stops for the finale, not only with different beloved characters in the Atlantis gallery that pop up, but I think it's a pretty spectacular one hour [with] three different story lines really hurtling toward the conclusion. ... It's going to have good action, great visuals, and it's got a nice little emotional punch at the end. I think it was a very nice way to not only wrap up the series but to open the door to some television movies, because where we left off at the end it certainly begs the question of what's next. I think it's a very well-crafted finale. I second that!! Goodbye and thanks for 100 episodes of Atlantis! Tear!!! I will miss this show!! Season Five comes out on DVD in the Summer of 2009. Can't wait! Take care, Peace!!! Edit: http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/ My Favorite Blogger Joe Mallozzi has a good entry called Finale. He's was a writer and one of the many Executive Producers for Stargate Atlantis. I thought you might like to get his prospective and also he posted some great pictures.

Who needs safety?

I don't know what we are going to do with the daughter. What's the sense in having baby gates and safety latches if the child can figure out to open them? We started having problems when the daughter was about 9 months old and she figured out how to take the safety plugs out of the electrical sockets. Then we thought we would be smart and got suction ones but she figured out how to get those out of the sockets too so we got even smarter and bought one's to cover the sockets completely. We had those for 2 weeks and she figured out how they worked at the age of two. She doesn't have a lamp in her room anymore because one day last year I went to get her after nap time and she had the whole lamp taken apart with the cord still in the wall. I think I got 101 grey hairs that day. Nothing stops this child from being safe. We spend all this money to protect her from day to day safety but our smart kid shows us her parents up by figuring out how to open stuff. I don't know why we bother putting safe measures in place and spend money left and right for new safety latches and such when she gets around, climbs over and figures out every knew gadget out there. I'm lost for words. It's like beating your head against the wall telling her how these things are supposed to protect her. She looks at you like you're stupid. I think I need to put my daughter in a bubble. Blah!!! Take care, Peace!

Dance here we come!

We took a tour of the Westside Dance and Gymnastics Academy this morning. I think the hubby and I were more excited then the daughter. She was able to participate in a class while we did the tour of the classrooms and got more information. The son wasn't all that happy the daughter got to have fun in the Gym with the other children and he was stuck with us. She looked like she was having fun and what's separation anxiety? She's like "see you later!" At least,she could pretend to miss me :( I'm actually glad she feels like that because when children get all emotional and you get emotional. It's like you're traumatizing your child when it should be something exciting and fun. I think we'll have more problems with the son when it's his turn for school. He's more the clingy kid then our daughter. She has no fear.

We finely had to go because the son was getting inpatient. He wanted to play in the gym so badly. Maybe when he's three we'll think about putting him in the three year old program. I wish I googled this school last year because we most likely would have put her in the school this school year. It's sounds and looks very interesting. I'm excited and I'm not the one going. The daughter felt comfortable and I know she will enjoy herself.

School doesn't start for her until the fall but we're thinking of enrolling her in a class or two plus they have fun activities to do on the side through out the year so we'll look into some of those. They also have summer dance programs like day schools. Lots of possibilities to think about. We got two free passes for their lunch program for children 6 and under so the son can go and have fun in the gym. I think he would like that and feel involved with his sister. He won't get stuck sitting on the sidelines watching all the other children having fun. Man, I'm going to have to find some more energy. It's going to be fun for her and what the future holds. Take care, Peace!

Go to Gateworld because it has an article of The Best of John Sheppard who is played by Joe Flanigan on Stargate Atlantis. I would have to say my favorite John Sheppard episode is Doppelganger from Season Four, episode 4. I loved this episode because there was the coolest fight scene where Sheppard kicked his own ass as you can tell by the title. It was all around great. I will miss the show and I'm sad to see it go. I can't wait until Friday to see the last episode of the series. I saw a preview and it looks like it will kick some ass. The Team will have to figure out a way to save Earth from the Wraith.

The SGA Marathon has been good memories. I think I'm going to have to pull out the DVD's out again and watch the series over again. I forgot some stuff in the earlier seasons. I can't believe I forgot I also loved the episode this season called The Shrine. The story was about Rodney with him losing his memory and the team trying to find a way to save his life. I liked the scene with McKay and Sheppard on the Pier drinking beer. My favorite line from this episode was "You're a good friend, Arthur" I cracked up in between tears. It was touching. I also thought it was sweet McKay told Keller in a video he loved her before he lost his memory.

Well it's a slow night and my brain is fried. I had a long day because it was bath night for the children and without help I'm drained to bits. I could go on and on about Joe Flanigan and all of Stargate Atlantis but I'll wait until Friday. Take care, Peace!

The truth is out there plus a small medical update!

Yesterday I wrote a post which to me is personal and something in my past I was ashamed with but wrote about it anyway, why? because it's apart of my life. As much as I would like to delete those things I have done in my life, it's still my life so I'm growing and learning from my mistakes. Okay, this morning I was doing my usual rounds checking my emails, what's new on Facebook, seeing what people were chatting about on a blog I follow. The usual morning stuff but this morning I decided to check the email account I use for blogger. I don't check this account often because it's only used for this account but for some reason I decided to see if the account said empty but it didn't. For the respect for the person who emailed me I won't post there email address or name. It doesn't matter really. At first, I was like cool an email. This person decided to write to my account then the internal comment section or I would have posted it. That's fine and any feedback works, good, bad and just plain crazy. Well this person had nice things to say about my blog and going into how they come often to read what I have to say. I was thinking that's nice I have a follower and then they started going into seeing inconsistencies in my stories for example JS in yesterdays posting how this flirtatious fling didn't have anything to do with love but in my blog entry called Music go here I mentioned a JS also and how my heart was broken. To clarify, yes he's the same person I was taking about but I won't say I down right lied. If you were a regular in my life at the time, I was struggling with an Eating Disorder and I was just not in a frame of mind to deal with anything but destructive thoughts. It's not like everything happened in my life was in one short span but years. Each time and each situations, feelings and emotions are different from year to year. How I felt last year is different then I feel today. How can you say I lied when you don't even know me? I write what I write and my blog isn't like a book from start to end. What ever moves me to write and share is what it is. So I'm a little pissed off some stranger said my life is a lie but then again not really. I'm not pissed off and thought it was actually a funny statement like they are analyzing my blog entries to the point they are trying to piece my own life together. Go right a head and fine with me. I don't see why I would want to start a blog just so I could write bullshit on it. I haven't written any persons names on here for my families sake and the few family who do come here already knows some of this stuff. I'm not on trial so do what you must, feel the way you do but life changes, emotions change and life is a journey and sometimes you can relapse but you do the best you can to make your life better. I work hard and I'm at a place I can say I'm proud of my personal growth from where I came from to where I am today. No human is perfect. I've lied to much in my life and hurt so many people with my deceit so who am I really lying too by writing a bunch of bullshit. These are my truths and this is me: like it or leave it. Plus, if I wanted to fluff up my blog I wouldn't be writing 98% of the entries I did but writing happy go lucky fake pieces which would be a lie. Thanks for coming! Okay, I had an appointment this morning with the Nutritionist. It went pretty well. I kind of figured how it went. I got weighted and got my blood pressure checked... still low and then the zillion questions She checked my food journal like how I wrote everything well including portion sizes. She then told me I was doing everything good and liked my blood work and then after everything said in done I got her recommendations. She wants me to see a New Psychologist just to keep getting support for the eating disorder. She wants me to gain 10 pounds which is another 400 calories. That's a snack..nothing big. Then she said good luck see you at the end of the month. That was it, no bells or whistles. Take care, Peace!

Feeling Guilty from my Past!

These feelings come back to Haunt me when something changes in my life. It can be anything that triggers these thoughts and feelings. I live with guilt and most of the time I can go months and even years of where I don't think about things that I have done in my life which has caused my heart to feel guilty. Typically these thoughts come back when I get anxiety when sub-conscious feelings of being abandoned from my childhood happen. My hubby is going into a huge work project and will be working long hours and I believe this is why I have these feelings because I think I'm going to be abandoned. I know it sounds silly but I live my life in fear and deal with it on a regular basis of the insecurities I brought into my life by doing stupid destructive stuff. From my 4 years of therapy I've learned over time when things like this happen I can deal with it and not let things like this over run my life. I will explain more a little bit later what happened for me to feel guilty but I want to explain why I get like this first before I go into further deal why they just pop into my life once in a while. During my young adult life more in my early twenties I couldn't handle life. I was in a struggle trying to figure out my life and most of the trauma I had was destructive not only to myself but to the people I seriously hurt along the way. It's a part of my past I'm ashamed of and not only did I not like myself as a person I was pushing everyone away who wanted to help me. I believed I wasn't worth saving or to be loved and appreciated for who I was. It was a push and pull life where I was losing a game I didn't even start. It's like everything I went through as a teenager caught up with me and I was living my life running from all the pain and the feeling of not worth being born. I felt like I was fighting a war within myself of good and evil. It was a sad existence until years later I realized I wasn't taking responsibility for my life. I was choosing to hurt myself emotionally, physically and mentally. The child abuse I endured while I was a prisoner in my parents home affected me and once I left home all those feelings followed me. My parents abuse stopped only a little and then I started abusing myself. I didn't know how to stop and it was the only way I knew how to live. So in this time I was doing harmful things to myself like having sex with strangers, drinking my problems away and thinking this is what being an adult is all about experimenting with danger. This whole time I'm not taking the real responsibility for my actions and life but blaming everyone else for my sad sorry life. It's my parents fault for abusing me, my sisters for abandoning me, people leaving my life who in turned said they loved me. Each time I did something I wasn't proud of or new in my heart was not me, the girl in my heart, a little piece of me died to the point I didn't know who I really was. I was on the destructive path of doom and I didn't know how I could get off this crazy train I was living. I did things just so I could at least feel something. I wanted to feel alive and the only way I could feel something was to feel pain. I became a shell of my former life and when I looked into the mirror I didn't know who was looking back at me. This person wasn't me and it was someone I didn't like. I didn't know how to change who I was or where to start. This process took me years to figure out and I most likely will have to deal with some of these issues for the rest of my life like today for an example. Here called my rock bottom is an entry I wrote back in September when the tide of my life changed. It wasn't long ago but these struggles are my past and even though I don't live in my past anymore things can trigger things I thought I dealt with but apparently haven't so this entry is my therapy session. I figured out being abandoned is my issue today! I had a dream this morning which when I woke up really bothered me. It was a dream about an old friend of my husbands who I had a relationship with in real life(not physical). It was more with sexual conversions over the phone and over the Internet. JS and I liked to flirt with each other and after awhile it got more intense to the point I'm sure it would have ended up being a physical sexual relationship. I'm glad it didn't end up like this. We had opportunities where we could have hooked up but didn't. When I moved to Portland from Halifax our flirtatious fling got more involved and went to the next level. We weren't just chatting on the phone or chatting over the Internet anymore. JS could come over and visit us and when he would leave the next time we chatted over the Internet we would tell each other what we wanted to do to each other but couldn't. The reason: the husband. It was just a crazy game we did to see how far we could take it with no one suspecting a thing and for me it was how far can I get JS to go and what is he willing to do. JS and my online chats got pretty intense at times and even though I was using my husbands computer I'm sure if he really wanted to know what our chats were about I'm sure he had ways. I wasn't computer savvy at the time and when the husband and I had our talks he never said he read any of them. When I met the hubby for the first time JS and him were roommates. The week I visited the hubby for the first time we all hung out. In the beginning this relationship with JS was a friendship and nothing more. The dream this morning was about JS and I having a sexual encounter and the hubby walked in on us. In real life the hubby didn't catch us in the act but later I did tell him about all that went on between JS and myself. It's nothing I'm proud of and it's a shameful situation I had to face and deal with. My relationship with JS wasn't about sex or having feelings for the guy but more of a game. He was the guy of the moment and what makes it worse for me I knew getting involved with JS would only hurt my hubby and I did it any way. JS was my husbands friend and I manipulated the situation for my own gain. It was the whole feeling I'm going to hurt you first before you hurt me scenario. It didn't work really like that. JS and my relationship kind of ended like how it began. We were supposed to hook up together one night when the hubby and his roommate at the time went on a motorcycle ride and I had the house to myself. We had it all set up and he was going to come over but we both kind of realized what the hell we were about to do and that's it. I think the reality sank in and it wasn't a game anymore for the both of us and taking it to the top wasn't something we both wanted. He didn't come over that night and we stopped communicating with each other. He stayed away for months. Looking back now, I still wonder why on earth my hubby stayed with me because I wasn't a very nice person. I was very good at turning around situations and blaming other people for the decisions I made. I was full aware what I was doing which to me right now makes me feel guilty as all hell. I know it happened years ago and my husband and I worked through this and we had nights of talking about what I did and why I did it. We both moved on and were at a point in our relationship to move forward together. Dreams like this morning creep back when I feel my insecurities come flowing back. I can't help it when it happens but I do know I have the tools I learned in therapy can get me to face these insecurities and understand where they are coming from. Life can throw you a curve ball and understand that situations can spiral out of control if you allow yourself to let them. So my fear is being abandoned by my husband and my insecurities which drives me with fear. I don't think JS being in my dream was anything sexual but my own guilt manifesting in my own dream. It was like my brain showing me I need to work out my fear of this change coming into my life. My husband isn't abandoning me but I do have these feelings deep down. I have to acknowledge how I'm feeling and work through them. My fear is what drives me to do stupid stuff by implanting thought into my head like how dare my hubby is working long hours and not spending time with me so I'm going to get back at him for hurting me in this way. Who can I use to kick him where it hurts. I don't want to even go there. My dream this morning was letting me know, look you need to deal with this fear and this scenario can happen if you allow yourself to be run over by your insecurities and abandonment issues. So I'm dealing with them. I acknowledge they do exist and I'm looking at the big picture and I'll be okay. It's just my fear. It's one day at a time and this big project my hubby is doing will not last forever. I'm just working my program and living with hope and I'm just reflecting where I came from with new beginnings for the future. I'm in control and if I want to be destructive then I'm the stupid idiot. Life is happy and good for me in this moment so why the hell do I want to ever go back in the past and repeat all that chaos? Then I haven't learned a thing and what a shame that would be. Take care, Peace!!!! It's your life and do what you please but take responsibility for it.

Single Mothers are my inspiration!

I think I was in denial before today. I didn't want to think about January 5, 2009 will kind of put me in a single mother mode for 10 months. I didn't want to have to think about it but this day is slowly coming like Monday. My hubby is going into a massive project at work with long hours and a whole lot of stress. This to me will mean I won't be getting the home support I got used to with him being around. The hubby is a great provider and loving father to his children so it's going to be a big adjustment for me and for the children. We have our daily routine and now we have to start a new one. I think the daughter will have the roughest time adjusting because her daddy does her bedtime reading, singing and he's the one who puts her to bed. He also gets the children up in the morning and changes them for the day so that will change. We won't see him much and for me that will be hard because at the end of the day we're both tired so adjusting for our time will be a challenge. I know we will survive and work to keep things focused on the bigger picture. Our relationship comes first and then our family. I find single mothers my inspiration on how they can do it all like working, taking care of their children and then everything else in between. I'm lucky I don't have to work outside the home so I can take that out of the equation. I know the hubby is trying to figure out times where he can hang out with the children like come home for lunch. I know we don't want to keep them up past their already late bedtimes to see him. Weekends will have to be something special for the family especially the one on one time with the children so they feel secure daddy is still around. I'm talking like I'm getting a divorce but in a way it kind of is because the long hours the hubby will have to work takes him away from his family and a lot of the time we'll never see him including me because without him helping me with the children I'll be so rundown and tired I'll probably be in bed before he gets home. The last time his work demanded these long hours was before the children came along and it wasn't all that bad so I'm not worried but a little nervous if I can handle this all on my own. I think it's more of a fear than actually it being difficult. I haven't figured out all my health issues yet, the blood pressure problem which drains the little energy I do have left so it's a little scary for me. I know I can step up to the plate and get things done and when it's over I'll look back and see there was nothing to worry about. Life happens and sometimes I'll have to bitch and rant about how many hours away from home the hubby has to work but I know it's his job and his job is what's keeping us in a nice home and paying the bills. I just have to remember who inspires me and remember all the military wives who do it all the time. Being a single mother is not a disease and women do it all the time for there families well being so I have to remember this. I can do this!!! Take care, Peace!

Happy 2009!

It's 2009,Yeah!!!! It's a New Year. The hubby and I didn't do much to celebrate but watch a movie and just relaxed at home. We paused our movie and rang in the new year and then finished our movie. It's wasn't all that exciting but it was the way we wanted. We don't party as much anymore due to the fact we only trust the grandparents to babysit. I want to thank Montel Williams on this one. I watched a show about the horrors of babysitters before the daughter was born and it freaked me out so we don't want to hire anyone until the children can talk and express themselves if anything bad happens if anything happens. I don't want to risk my children being in harms way so the hubby and I sacrifice our sanity and don't go out much on our own. We do go on dates once in awhile but most the time when we go out the children tag along. I like my family and we were blessed to have well behaved children when we all go out to a restaurant. It's nice so we do it a lot because they are so well behaved or we wouldn't do it. I can't stand trying to have a nice meal when the table besides you has an out of control child. I find it embarrassing for the parents. We had one experience when the daughter was 9 months old at the Cheesecake Factory and she swiped a plate off the table behind her and broke it by throwing it onto the floor. I almost died and apologized. Lets just say we left a big tip that night. We got lucky and we find it a blessing we have good kids on this side of things. That's why it's not so bad when the children tag along on some of our dates. They are great company plus when the hubby and I are alone we talk about the chilren anyway so them being there is even more special. I can't believe Stargate Atlantis is almost over. Tonight is the second to last episode of the entire series. The Scifi channel is doing a week long marathon of Stargate Atlantis up until the season last episode next Friday. We have the first 4 seasons on DVD already so it's not like if I miss the marathon I would be heartbroken. I'm trying to be an adult about the end of the series but it's sad when a good show ends. I was mad when they just up and ended Dark Angel without any notice especially when they were talking about season 3 starting up and then Bam they announced the show wasn't coming back with just two seasons. I was so angry and boycotted the replacement show Firefly. I feel bad about this because we also have the boxset of Firefly and it was a great show. I keep telling people I was the cause Firefly got cancelled in it's first season because I didn't want to watch the TV show which replaced Dark Angel. :( I'm not angry Stargate Atlantis is ending but more of a sadness because I thought the show was getting better each year gone by. I think it should have at least a few more years of potential. I will have to be satisfied with a movie and hopefully it does so well some more will come there after but I'm not counting on it. It's more a wait and see and I'm fine with that and if more Stargate Atlantis movies come after I will be thrilled. I am a little disappointed with all the entertainment listings like IMDB. I would like to know what Joe Flanigan's next acting gig will be. I haven't found anything what he's going to do next now Stargate is over. I guess Joe Flanigan is taking a well deserved break from acting. I wouldn't blame him. He has 3 young boys and a wife who he probably wants to spend some time with until the next acting project comes along. He's a good actor and I'm impatient and want to see him be in something so I can watch him on my TV. :) It's going to be a good year. Lost is coming on in a few weeks and maybe it will take my mind off of Stargate Atlantis. Take care, Peace!

This is my History Lesson!

I read a great book yesterday called Sarah's Key from Tatiana De Rosnay. It was a great fictitious story about two different experiences wrapped into one from two different world but were linked by generations. I cried and it was a wonderful story based on a real event in French History during WW2. I decided to write about this time because for me History is a passion for me even if I don't talk about what my passions are besides reading and listening to music. I read a lot about books based about the Holocaust. Some of these books are fictitious and others are a persons memoir based on there time during the war. To me this time in History is important to remember and all the millions of Jews who lost there life because of hatred during WW2. Every Country has secrets and shame and these are the times in History we should remember not only to learn from our History but to remember these peoples stories and to not forget them. From reading this book I learned about one day, July 16, 1942. This day is so important because of the Vel' d'Hiv, is the name of the July 16, 1942 raid - Operation Spring Breeze - during the occupation of France by the Germans. The raids in Paris were one of several aimed at reducing the Jewish population. The Jews were rounded up on buses and sent to the Vélodrome d'Hiver which at the time was an indoor cycle track. At 4:00 am on July 16 1942, 12,884 Jews were arrested from there homes. They could take with them only a bed cover, a sweater, a pair of shoes and two shirts. 4,051 children, 5,802 women and 3,031 men. Most families were split up and never reunited. After the raids, some Jews were taken by bus to a concentration camp in an incomplete block of flats in the northern suburb of Drancy. Others were taken to the Vélodrome d'hiver in the 15th arrondissement, which had already been used as a prison in a roundup in the summer of 1941. This place had no lavatories and of the 10 available, five were sealed because their windows offered a way out and the others were blocked. The Jews were kept there with only water and food brought by Quakers, the Red Cross and a few doctors and nurses allowed to enter. There was only one water tap. Those who tried to escape were shot on the spot. Some killed themselves. After five days of staying in harsh conditions the Jews were taken to camps at Drancy, Beaune-la-Rolande and Pithiviers and then to Auschwitz. The roundup accounted for more than a quarter of the 42,000 Jews sent from France to Auschwitz in 1942, of whom only 811 came home at the end of the war. Auschwitz is important to remember. History to understand the evil which happened here. Auschwitz-Birkenau was the largest of Nazi Germany's concentration camps. Auschwitz is located in Poland about 286 kilometers south of Warsaw. Its believed that up to 1.1 million people had died at Auschwitz during the war. Most victims were killed in Auschwitz II's gas chambers using Zyklon B gas. Other deaths were caused by starvation, forced labor, lack of disease control, individual executions, and medical experiments. Auschwitz had three main camps, 1,2 and 3. Nazi party's paramilitary the SS ran the camps. Auschwitz I was the original camp, and it served as the administrative center for the whole complex. Auschwitz 2 was designed to hold several categories of prisoners, and to function as an extermination camp in preparations for the Final Solution of Jews. Prisoners were transported from all over German-occupied Europe by rail, arriving at Auschwitz-Birkenau in daily convoys. Arrivals at the complex were separated into two main groups - those marked for immediate extermination, and those to be registered as prisoners. The first group, about three-quarters of the total, went to the gas chambers of Auschwitz-Birkenau within a few hours and they included all children, all women with children, all the elderly, and all those who appeared on brief and superficial inspection by an SS doctor not to be fully fit. SS personnel told the victims that they were to take a shower. The victims would undress in an outer chamber and walk into the gas chamber which was disguised as a shower facility with complete fake shower heads. After the doors were shut the SS men would dump in the cyanide pellets via holes in the roof or windows on the side. In the Auschwitz Birkenau camp more than 20,000 people could be gassed and cremated each day. Those deemed fit to work were used as slave labor at industrial factories. At the Auschwitz complex 405,000 prisoners were recorded as slaves between 1940 and 1945. Of these about 340,000 perished through executions, beatings, starvation, and sickness. Sonderkommandos yanked gold teeth from the corpses of gas chamber victims. The gold was melted down and sent back to the Third Reich. The belongings of the arrivals were seized by the SS. They were sorted in an area of the camp called "Canada". The name "Canada" was very cynically chosen. In Poland it was used as an expression. The expression came from the time when Polish emigrants were sending gifts home from Canada. Medical experiments at Auschwitz Nazi doctors performed a wide variety of experiments on helpless prisoners. The most infamous doctor at Auschwitz was Josef Mengele, who was also known as the “Angel of Death”. His interest in research on identical twins. Mengele performed cruel experiments on them, such as inducing diseases in one twin of a pair and killing the other when the first died to perform comparative autopsies. This was a hard time of History and one I will never forget. I have a large selection of books surrounding this era. I want to remember this time so these peoples lives were not in vain. I will always remember them and there stories. I could write more on this subject but it's hard for me and makes me emotional so I will stop for the day. Take care, Peace!