Enough of all the drama!

Okay, my life was consumed for the past month going to different blogs about the show "Jon and Kate plus 8". It was quite an eye opener on a Reality show and I wanted to know what people were talking about with the show. It was intriguing in the beginning but now I just had to walk away. I was getting frustrated with people's ignorance in their stupidity and it wasn't worth getting all worked up about. I didn't understand someone would have a blog talking negative about a show they didn't like yet would watch the show and then talk trash over it. Any person in their right mind would think this is crazy. These people think they are advocates for the Gosselin Children because they believe the children are being exploited by their money grubbing parents. On the other side you get a balanced view of the show and these people managed to have discussions without attacking someone's integrity. In the end it was getting to silly for me. I like drama but this was getting past drama into obsessive. I like the show and will watch the show but if "Jon and Kate plus 8" goes off the air tomorrow I'm not going to miss it. Another show will take it's place. I wish the Gosselin family the best and I wish the "blogshere" of Jon and Kate plus 8 keep levelheaded and think about if what they are doing really is going to make a difference. You have to stop and think when to draw the line of it being harmful or constructive criticism. I didn't want to invest my time with my opinions anymore because I believe their are more important issues where I can use my energy and feel like I can make a difference. Good Luck everyone in the "blogshere of Jon and Kate plus 8"

Music!

I would like to talk about how much music has impacted my life. I love singing and I don't think I'm all that good but to me music gives me hope. During the lowest times in my life I've turned to music to comfort me. I like all kinds of music but my favorite songs that stand out in my quest for peace is: Celine Dion - I'm alive Because you loved me Mariah Carey - Hero Pretenders - I'll Stand by you Bon Jovi - It's my Life Brandy - Have you ever? These are a few I listen to and I have so many like songs from Chicago, Aerosmith, Journey and I could go on and on oh another favorite singer is Whitney Houston in her old days. If I'm having a hard time or having a moment of inspiration with life moments most likely music has been apart of my healing process. Every favorite song I have has some meaning to me and most of them have a memory that goes along with each song which could be a person who impacted my life, a place where I remember something special happened or just because I like the song and can sing it. I have songs where I listen to just to cry or songs when I'm losing prospective on my goals and I listen to songs to give me a reality check. I can listen to music because it never judges and is always is there whenever you need something to lift you up. I will talk about this one song I love which is inspiring and makes me cry at times and I can sing it so it's all around a good song. It's one song on the top of my list of ever lasting lists I have. It's the Pretenders song "I'll Stand by You". Here are a break down of some of the lyrics to this song: Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes Come on and come to me now Don't be ashamed to cry Let me see you through' cause I've seen the dark side too When the night falls on you You don't know what to do Nothing you confess Could make me love you less This part is a matter of hope for me like it was looking into my heart and trying to lift me up. I seen many dark sides of life and in this song someone else seen it too. I had many times of sadness in my life when I was younger I had nights of crying because that's all my heart could do and some nights wondering when my wishes would come true. I felt I had no where to go and I was stuck in a life I knew I needed someone to protect me and save me. So if you're mad, get mad Don't hold it all inside Come on and talk to me Hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too Well I'm a lot like you This part of the song reminds me of many nights when I was so angry with life. I was walking down a path of destruction and in this time in my life I stopped caring. You know you are in trouble when you lose all hope and don't care where your life goes or what path you take. It's a lonely place to be. When you're standing at the crossroads And don't know which path to choose Let me come along' cause even if you're wrong I'll stand by you I had a lot of wonderful people what this symbolizes to me. Gave me hope to move forward in my journey of life. They didn't give up on me when I needed some hope and love. I was broken and no matter what decisions I made for my life they backed me up and didn't judge me. This Song is so powerful to me and every time I listen to "I'll Stand by You" it reminds of how far I've come. All my lessons, my pain, my will to fight to survive and the journey was a rocky one but I made it over the rainbow.

Their is another song I'm going to talk about is Brandy's "Have you ever?" It's a song a lot of people can relate to. I know I'm secure in my marriage so talking about another man once in my life is not a big deal. My husband and I talked about this one person before. I guess you are wondering why I could bring this up because we are all human and we had lives before our marriages. Life isn't easy and marriage is hard work. I work on mine every single day. My life with my husband is important to me but I also had a lot of heartache for another man before I got married. This is the song for when I got my heart broken from this guy who didn't care for me back. This was a hard time for me and it took me along time to get over him. Damn you, JS..okay I'm just being silly now. JS was a thorn in my heart but I'm over him because I get so much more love from my husband. I love you so much! My BFF will know who I am referring to here or if not I'll mention his name you'll remember okay back to this again. Here is some of the lyrics to "Have your ever?"

Have you ever been in love? Been in love so bad You’d do anything to make them understand Have you ever had someone steal your heart away? You’d give anything to make them feel the same Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart? Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to? Only to find that one won’t give their heart to you Have you ever closed your eyes and Dreamed that they were there And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care

This definitely doesn't refer to my husband but I know everyone can relate to this song and I'm sure we all experienced someone like this in your life. It's okay to pine once in awhile for old flames because it's apart of your history and it's not shameful to remember people who hurt you like this. It's apart of life but what you do after is the most important. It's okay to feel hurt by these people and sometimes some of these memories are good to keep close to remember why you love your partners so much. It's good to remember your trying times of heartache and pain and when it began. Not everyone will care for you the way you want them too. It just makes what you have with your partners even special knowing you love and care so much for someone who gives you back the same love. Something is special in that.

So music is special to me and has a place in my heart when I need some inspiration from where I've been to where I want to go in life. Sharing what means to me I hope will make you think what music inspires you. Peace.

My children!

I'm having a mommy day being all emotional.. :) My kids are growing up to fast for my liking. They are this small only once and I just want to capture all of it. I'm so proud of my oldest. She's so smart and sometimes I wonder if I have a genus on my hands. She's only 3 1/2 but sometimes I listen to her and can't believe some of the stuff coming out of her mouth like this morning I asked her to get her little brother a diaper for me and then she went into a 10 minutes rant of why it's not good for her because her brother should get his own diaper because he will not learn to do things for himself....I was like okay makes sense but your 3!!! My little boy is 17 months old and as much as I want him to talk he feels the need to take his own pace. Saying Momma, Dadda and Nanna aka..banana is fine with me. He knows what you are saying so I'm not too concerned. My daughter was talking in short sentences when she was his age plus I'm not in a hurry with him talking because of the future arguments between my two and it's bad enough having to get between the fights they have now. I can't imagine them arguing and my head is ringing just thinking about it...oh mine! I feel lucky I get to watch them grow up at this age to be able to stay home with them. They sure make me see things differently and there is always something going on like screaming, laughing, fighting, time outs and getting under my feet when I'm trying to keep things tidy. I think I gave up on the cleaning until they are going to school. No matter what I do or keep things tidy it's like a tornado goes through the house anyway. I do enjoy the sleeping in. Getting up at 9:30am every morning is nice. Training the kids to get up at that time is great too but at least I have a year to go before A starts pre-school and then I will have to get up early like everyone else. I guess that's what Caffeine is for.... I just realized we as my family has been living out of our laundry room. It seems like none of the clean clothes are getting put away. I hate laundry but love grocery shopping..weird! It's fine with me on my laundry not getting put away. It's not like our kids are allowed up stairs by themselves anyway and every morning they get dressed downstairs so running back up and down the stairs to get clean clothes is a waste of time plus my daughter likes finding her clean Thomas the Tank Engine clothes in the laundry room. We all win. It's funny when my daughter was smaller she loved Dora the Explorer and I thought she just liked the show because that's what she liked watching but now my son loves it. Every time he knows it's coming on he dashes to the couch and is glued to the TV until it is over. I guess Dora the Explorer is interesting to little kids. I don't see a difference in Dora compared to other kids shows but they could care less of watching those and they sure like watching Dora. I also like them watching Lazytown. When A was about 6 months old I needed to distract her for a little while so I could get things done around the apartment and Blue Clues was driving me crazy. I think I was losing brain cells in the process by watching Blue Clues so anyway I found this show on Nick Jr and loved it. I think Noggin only plays Lazytown now. It took me along time before I allowed the kids to watch Blue Clues. J loves Blues Clues so I can't discriminate because I don't like it. We have all the Lazytown DVD's and also have shows taped on our TIVO. I love this show and it's the first kids show where I could watch with the kids without feeling like it was going to turn me stupid. So if you haven't watched it before you should watch it. Great kids show! Well after wresting with the little one trying to write this blog entry I'm tired. It's not easy having a 17 month old hanging from your neck while typing on a laptop is not an easy task. Children are a joy, a pain sometimes but they have so much love. Gotta love kids!

Psychology and some Rants!

I remember the first time I had to see a someone in the Mental Health Department. I was 12 years old for our stupid family therapy sessions. I didn't understand why I had to go. I didn't do anything. I wasn't the stupid asshole in the family who put us in a situation where we had to see a Family Therapist. Nothing was wrong with me but of course, I was forced to go to these stupid sessions to talk about our feelings. I was glad to share how I felt in the matter but apparently I wasn't being productive in contributing to the family as a whole. I wasn't expressing my feelings right because I was told I wasn't helping the family unit. Whatever Doc! Don't ask if you don't want my honest opinion. My parents were selfish and it was always about them. It's fine to want to help your own personal growth and heal your own problems but I didn't have any say in what I wanted. I was forced to go and I was affected by it and not in a good way. I was glad when the family sessions ended. The next time I was forced to do another round of Psychology Appointments. I was getting really tired of all this bull crap. I was 14 at this time and Like I said before ..THERE was nothing wrong with me. Well seeing a Child Psychologist was a little bit different. You want attitude I'll show you attitude. I didn't want to go to these sessions but for some wacky reason it was supposed to be beneficial to me in some way. Missing a soccer game I worked hard practicing for and playing a sport I loved but had to miss because Child Therapy was more important when I wasn't the one who asked for help in the first place. I still wonder why I had to go after all these years. My Parents were the Mental cases here and not me. I was just the 14 year old kid being forced once again to talk about the stupid decisions my parents made. It was nice doing the Family sessions this time around because of the filming behind the stupid mirror. They got good shots of my happy little middle finger. Why ask me stupid questions like How do I feel? etc.. If you're not going to like what I have to say in my answers? Why ask questions in general? No matter what I had to say they were the wrong answers like I was writing a TEST and got an F on it. Didn't make sense to me. I gave those doc's my honest truths and then I got lectures back for putting the blame back on my parents. They love me and all that bull crap. If my parents loved me I wouldn't be writing a blog about my truths. I wouldn't have years of emotional and mental anguish. I would have grew up with my two sisters. I can go on and on so STOP telling me my parents loved me. Like when I told my mother how I felt about her and how she hurt me in my life I wrote her an email back in December 2003 and then she said this to me in an email "I have always done the best I could with I what I had. I'm sorry it isn't good enough" Maybe I'm on a different planet but what I really wanted to hear from my MOTHER was : I failed you as a mother and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't the mother you needed. Sorry I was an alcoholic. Sorry I made you feel unloved by me. I take the responsibility for what I did. These are words of someone taking responsibility but I never heard it. I most likely will never hear it from my mother. My Psychologist said to me you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Apparently, my mother should have gotten Mother of the Year award because she did the best she could do and I missed that Memo! Okay back to the issue again. I didn't have faith in The Mental Health Field and didn't trust it. I tried several times on my own when I was younger when I made the decision for myself but never made it past the third appointment. When I was back in Canada in 2001 my Doctor said something to me and it made perfect sense. Don't go until you are ready and if you see one and don't feel comfortable then keep seeing Psychologists until you find one that fits with you. When my Husband and I moved to California I was finally ready to get some help. It just happened the first Psychologist I saw I meshed well with and she helped me so much. When it was hard she made me face it. The ups and downs of my life and seeing life differently has helped. I got my fear over with the Mental Health Department. If you are having problems bigger than what you can handle. I recommend talking with someone. Talk to your Doctor and set something up. It's nothing to be ashamed of getting help and it doesn't mean you are crazy or mental. It means having someone from the outside listening and showing you a different side of things. Giving you tool to work through your issues. It works when you want it too. I believe when you are ready and not when you are forced too because it will hinder more than help. One last rant: To this day I don't trust Social Services and I'm sure they are a helpful Government Agency but in my life I saw things differently. I was failed by this Government group and will have a hard time believing they do good because I didn't see it. I wasn't protected and they new our families history and still kept me in a home with abuse. They didn't listen to me with this bullshit about trying to keep the family unit together. I was 15 when Social Services was called on my behalf because I was struggling. This Ass of a Social Worker came to the school to talk to me. I thought someone will listen to me for once and then the Social Worker tells me he would not help my situation and will only help me by trying to keep my family unit together. What the f%^k is that? What family unit are you reading about in your stupid file because it couldn't be mine after TWO of my PARENTS children didn't live in the "FAMILY UNIT" anymore but you want to keep the last two children left in a home where you knew abuse happened...nice! Real nice and don't think I didn't tell that GUY what I thought of him because he got an ear full from me. Then when I contacted Social Services to get information on my Birth Father back in 2002 I got a nice phone call stating I can't see my file on my Birth Father because at the time I was put in the Social Services System when I was a baby my Birth Father didn't come forward and claim me as his daughter so they Legally can't disclose the information or tell me the name under Father on my Birth Certificate. I will leave it at that. Social Services may do great things and that's great but this is what happened to me with this Government Agency. My truths, my opinions!

Racism!

I have been thinking about doing this entry for awhile and not that I was afraid to make my personal life known but I didn't think it was the right time. Here is a Newspaper clipping wrote from a School Board meeting I attended and spoke to express Racism in schools. Native teen tells stories of racism A native teenager, who was adopted and moved to (Town) when she was five, says she is emotionally scarred because of the way she’s been treated in school. DEG, 17, a Grade 12 student at (School) was one of four panellists who spoke at a day-long seminar Wednesday on multicultural, anti-racist education co-sponsored by the Multicultural Association of Nova Scotia and the (Blank) County district school board. "There was one experience I can never forget(in Grade Primary). I was swinging on the swing at school and a kid came up to me and pushed me off. He said "Indians are not allowed on the swings", he told me to go back to my teepee where I belong". D said in an emotionally charged speech. "At that point in my life, I knew I was different. I didn’t understand. I looked the same, I dressed the same, but I wasn’t the same. I had a different skin color," Incidents of racism at school had a serious effect on D, who says she later denied her native roots. (it actually has Metis roots here, but at the time to me with the knowledge I had on my history, I was full Native) "I drilled it into my head that I was white, I didn’t want to be different any more, I was afraid to tell people how I felt.....I was hurting and they didn’t know what I was going through." The name calling "gets to you," she said. D felt pain and anger and lost her self esteem. "I hated myself in general. "Now I realize how wrong I was....I I don’t want to feel like a victim any more...I want to get on with my life." D said she has come to accept who she is. "I am me and if people want to be prejudiced they can, because I am too good for them to hurt me." "There are people in this country who think they have the right to abuse people... but they are the ones who have the problems and should get help. I learned over my 17 years that it is OK to be myself and to live the life I want to live" I guess you are wondering why I haven't written names in my posts. It's more protecting my family in not concealing my identity. Stangers don't need to know my childrens names, see pictures of them or know the names of the people I talk about. In respect to them I'll never write their names on my blog. Racism is everywhere and it's not fair but that's life. We were all given "FREE WILL" so everyone's truths are different and we all see the world differently. Everyone is unique, special and no matter who you are..we are all human. It depends on how you want to look at the world. If anyone has any questions of what I've been writing so far just leave me an email. I will answer the good, bad and the crazy! Take care!!!

Reflection!

Okay, I found this old entry on my computer. I was doing a lot of writing for Therapy to get my feelings out. I didn't know how to express my thoughts by voice so I wrote a lot. The reason I'm sharing this entry because when I came across it I had to laugh about it. Not that I was laughing at my situation because those feelings I had were real but in time I thought I was going though deep stress but at this moment I was pregnant and didn't even know it. That's why I was laughing. The symptoms I was having were not ovarian failure but beginning stages of pregnancy. My recovery is a process and also I need to reflect where my life chapters started and when they ended. This life chapter had a good ending. Scared July 22, 2004 I don’t know what to do. This could be what will bring me down. This could be the last straw, the last slap across the face and the one thing that will put me over the edge. I went to see the doctor today and we talked and then she told me something I would never have thought she would suggest at my age. She thinks I maybe going through pre menopause or premature ovarian failure and I won’t know until the test results come back next week. Then we’ll go from there. I couldn’t cry before but I’m crying now. I’m scared and I’m so angry. Why me? Why now? Don’t you think I have enough on my plate GOD? Why does it have to be me? The one thing that keeps me going knowing someday I will be a mother and I may never get the chance to have one of my own. I will never get the chance to have my child grow inside of me. I’m so angry that there are people who have children and never should be parents. I’m working my recovery, I’m trying my hardest and I’m feeling all my old pain so I can deal with it. I’m trying and that’s all I can do. I’m doing my best to my ability right now. I’m hurting because of what I’m doing to R. He deserves a family with children of his own, his own blood and his legacy. I wanted to be the one to share the experience of being a parent with him. I was pregnant once and may be that was my chance to be a mother and I had the abortion and now I’m paying the price for that decision. I blame myself for having an ED and by making stupid decisions in my life. What am I going to do? I want to get drunk, I want to escape, I want to binge until I get so sick I purge and then binge some more. I’m crying out in pain, hurt and in agony. I just want to forget I was ever born. Here I thought it was Paxil that was messing me up and it could be something far more upsetting then that. I need to fight my thoughts because I just feel like giving up hope I could ever have the life that I wanted to have. I’m a survivor and I’ve been through so much as it is and I don’t know if I can handle anything more. I need to do some research so I’ll be back. Okay I’m back. I did some reading and I could have premature ovarian failure. I have a lot of the symptoms for it and I’m scared because I don’t want it to come true. This can’t be happening to me. I feel like this isn’t right like I’m in a horrible dream and I’ll wake up soon and realize I was just dreaming. Why me and why now? It’s so unfair. I just want everything to go away. It’s my entire fault. I must have done something wrong. I think I’m going to be sick. I want to binge but I can’t eat. I feel sick to my stomach like someone punched me so hard I can’t seem to breath. Waiting for next week to come is going to go so slow like time stayed still. I want to hide until then. I started a Grateful list shortly after I found out I was pregnant for my Psychologist. It's a list sort of like Pollyanna's "Glad Game", I say every morning in my head what I am grateful for in my life. I find 3 things and repeat them to myself. It keeps me thinking in the positive. It has helped deeply and at first I thought it was stupid but each day went by it didn't seem so foolish to me anymore. It never hurts to try something new in your healing process.

My rock bottom!

This was my rock bottom and this is when I decided to change my life around. I was tired and new I needed to change and didn't know where to start. I didn't know what to do and it felt like I had no where to go. It was the end of my road. I couldn't go any deeper and this was it. I was shattered and broken. I was defeated emotionally, physically and I needed hope in my life. I just found out I was pregnant sitting in the Doctor's exam room on my second appointment and wondering what I was doing. It was a scary place to be all alone and wondering if I could be strong and handle what was before me. It felt like I didn't have anything more to give. I was carrying a gift I knew in my heart at the time I didn't deserve. I needed help fast and I didn't have anything to lose...this was my end! When my RN came into the room and introduced herself to me I cried and told her everything. I was putting my feelings on the line to a stranger but this time it felt right. I couldn't handle my life anymore. I needed help. I felt like I had peace when she said she would help me because she took some of my burden away. I trusted her knowing she would do everything she could to get me though this journey. I knew I had along ways to go and with her on my side week after week she pulled me though my pregnancy. She made sure I was safe and got me medical staff on my side covering every angle to make sure I was taken care of. I grew up a lot during this time. I saw a different aspect of my life, my marriage and the love growing for this baby inside. I let my heart heal. I became an adult when I realized this pregnancy was the thing that saved my life. I believe it was a gift from God to show me I was worth it. Seeing her little face holding my daughter for the first time I knew I made it. I had my healthy beautiful baby girl. A new change in my life for the better. I want a different life for her and she deserves a strong mother to love her and keep her safe. She was the gift I needed to show me she was worth fighting for. My family needs me and I need them. Thanks so much my sweet little girl! Thanks to my husband for staying by me in my time of struggles and my RN who helped me get through this scary time. I appreciate it all. God bless!

Where I've been!

I guess I should start by letting you know of moments in my life that help me shape who I became. Most moments in my life some family members and friends already know about and some moments I never disclosed until now. I don't want this entry to feel like I want people to feel sorry for me because I worked my butt off and made choices for myself to have my life today. I credit a lot of wonderful people who held my hand and had faith in me as a person. My first traumatizing experience was when my foster mother told me I was going to be adopted. I was 5 years old and I didn't understand why I had to leave. My foster parents are wonderful people and I didn't understand back then why I had to leave when they told me they loved me but I adjusted to my adopted family because I had my two older sisters with me so it made it a little easier to adjust to a new set of parents. I made lots of friends and played sports and was a happy kid over all. I even overcame some racism being Native American Indian living in a white community. Racism affected my life because I was told I was different and today I still have fears sometimes meeting new people and sometimes afraid I will not be accepted. I guess I'm more understanding of peoples feelings because I know how it feels to feel different. We're all equal and we should all respect each other's choices and opinions. Life to me is learning and growing as an individual. I read books of people who overcome some traumatic event in their lives because it keeps me learning how some people can move forward with their lives even though they faced evil and are stronger because of it. It keeps me focused on my life path. The next big life changing moment in my life is when I turned 12. News Years day 1987 is when my older sister left home. I will not go into detail surrounding this day because this isn't my story to tell. I was devastated she left because she was my older sister and I loved her but I knew she had to leave and protect herself. I can't say I wasn't angry with her because I was. She left me behind but she was only 14 herself so I don't know how she could of cared for me. I was hurt and sometimes when I think about this time I still feel hurt. It pains my heart just thinking about it. My adopted parents made selfish decisions and choices that affected all my sisters lives some way or another. I had to grow up fast and be more responsible then my parents. My father left during the week so it was my mother and two other sisters at home. When I was 13 years old I had to care for my younger sister, cook meals, clean the house and do basically a lot of things around the house because my mother would get home grab a beer and hide. I hate talking about this time in my life because this is when the verbal abuse started. Everything wasn't good enough and I was told I wasn't responsible enough by a mother who was an alcoholic. I was being criticized about every little thing I did. I was told I was selfish and being degraded and belittled by a mother who kept telling me she loved me. It was bad enough my mother tore me down and when my father was home he did it also. I was the one they used as a verbal punching bag because they thought I was weak. No child deserves to be verbally abused. Sometimes I wished they physically abused me because at least I would have bruises to show someone. Please give my mother a metal for being a great Teacher but she was a lousy mother to me. I woke up every morning scared or wondered if it was going to be a good day or a very bad day. It basically depended on my mothers mood how my day would go. I had no escape. My parents most likely will think I'm making up lies about them but I lived it and some of my close friends witnessed it. I was an easy target and they took advantage of my free spirit and tore me down verbally and emotionally. My other older sister and I ran away once shortly after our family did a nose dive. We didn't know where we were going to go but we knew we had to leave. It was a cold time of the year and were gone for a night but had to turn back because we had no food and we were cold. Every family friend was at our house that night. We were told we were selfish children for upsetting our parents and how we scared everyone. I wanted to scream in their faces and tell them all the truth about my parents but I was cold and tired. On the inside I was dying but on the outside I was playing a game. Letting the world know nothing was wrong. My first nervous breakdown was in the 7th grade during the Science Fair. My project wasn't working the way I wanted because it wasn't perfect and my home life was stressing me out and I lost it. I broke down and cried and at the time I was embarrassed because I didn't keep it together. My mother finally listened and my parents hired a housekeeper. At first, things were starting to get better but it was only a grace period. My mother was drinking more and nothing was perfect and I was always doing everything wrong. It was hard keeping up their little game of we're a normal happy family. I was in the 9th grade when my other older sister left home. It was hard on me and I was so angry with everyone, my parents, my sister for leaving me behind and God, for giving me this shitty life. This was my hell on earth. I stopped trusting in all adults at this point. I asked for help and no one listened. I felt so alone and if it wasn't for my friends keeping me together I don't know where I would be today. They were my rock and I thank them. There was this guy I had a crush on in high school and it started in the 8th grade. Most of my high school friends probably know who I'm talking about. Don't tell him. I thought I was madly in love with this guy. You know all the puppy love bull crap that goes on in school. One December night a couple of my friends got drunk and I met a guy that night. I thought if I pretended to be interested in this guy my crush would get jealous. I don't think he got the jealousy memo or I just didn't ask or care. A guy was interested in me. I had my first high school boyfriend. He was much older than I was like 4 years older. He was charming and said all the right things to me. He stood up for me with my parents. I lost my virginity to him at 16. I know I wasn't really ready for sex but I did it any way. Why? I wanted someone to give me the love I so desperately needed. I was emotionally worn down and he was my knight and shining armor so I thought at the time. I should have saw the signs I was headed down the wrong road. At first, he would get mad when I was spending time with my friends and we would get in terrible fights and break up but he would always convince me to come back. I was the only one for him and he would change..bla bla bla! I was in a typical abusive relationship. I didn't want to see it because my parents home was like hell to me. The first time our relationship got physical we were in Santa Barbara, California. We got in an argument on a busy street and he pushed me down to the ground. He got angry with me for some reason and of course, we made up like all the other times before. The last night he ever laid a hand on me we were living in an Apartment in Halifax. I went home this one night early from a bar because I was drunk and when he got home he lost it on me. I was so scared for my life. I never in my relationship saw such hate in his eyes before and truly thought he was going to kill me that night. I managed to escape and ran to the hospital and I pressed charges. I felt so degraded having to go to the Police station and take pictures. We were apart for a month when I contacted him though his voice mail. I had to ask why he could do this to me. He didn't know and I forgave him. I was ready to leave him for good when he lost his father. I had to be there for him. He needed me and I couldn't walk away because I loved him. It took me several years later to leave him. I was in that relationship for 7 1/2 years before I got the courage to walk away. Some people want to know why did I stay with the guy for so long. Scared I wouldn't find someone else. I was torn down so much in my life I didn't have any self-esteem left. I didn't think I could make it on my own without him. So many reasons for staying and not enough reasons to leave. I learned from this relationship I had the power to say "not anymore" and made choices for me and what was best for me. I had the control! Now I have to back track back to 12 years old again. I had some good times involving my friends. My life wasn't all in turmoil all the time. They kept me believing in the good side of life. Most of my good times were with my friends and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have a reason to keep moving forward. My mother was a control freak and I wasn't good enough for her but my friends didn't care. They liked me for me and not what they thought I should be. I learned about Eating Disorders in 9th grade gym class when I was 15 and that's how it all started with that. I was the out of control teenager hating the world and wasn't afraid to express it. My friends were my escape and it was a relief to have great friends and we did some crazy stuff together. When I was 17 years old June 1992 I was diagnosed with Diabetes. My fear was gaining weight and I gained a lot like 30 pounds plus. I had used my diabetes in a way to lose weight fast. I understood how the disease could help me lose the weight. It was my enabler in my battle with finding control in a life I felt I didn't have control over. When I was 23 years old out of a bad relationship on my own for the first time in my life. I was supporting myself and living on my own. I was doing something I never thought I could or believe to do. This was big for me. This was when I met my future husband over the Internet. We chatted several times on the computer which lead to phone calls. We got to know each other and it was refreshing to have a guy who cared about me and not even know what I looked like. I couldn't afford much of an apartment back then so I rented a room in a boarding house. I didn't care because it was my own place to call home. In July/August 1998 one night I fell asleep and forgot to lock my door. The loner next door who never talked to anyone came into my room that night and raped me. It was a devastating time for me. I didn't report him to the police because I didn't have the strength to go to court again. I did it once and didn't want to do it again. I had way worse things happen to me in my life I could get over this. I needed to not let this consume me and that was another reason I didn't report him. I wanted to move forward. 2 weeks later I missed my monthly friend. I took care of it the best way I could to move forward. It was the right decision for me at the time in my life. I believe abortion is wrong but I believe it's the women's right to make her own choices. I did something I knew in my heart could break me and I didn't make this decision lightly. Their was a lot of tears shed and when I fixed the situation I moved on. My husband and I met face to face in November 1998. I think that was my craziest moment in my life. I think I was temporally in sane for going but I did and it was a fun trip. This relationship was refreshing and it was hard to trust in how good it felt. Some of the decisions I made afterward were stupid and down right crazy. I had this guy who loved me and I was drinking with my friends and having my cake and eating it too. I was never the girl to have sex with different people but I did. It was a wild time in my life being stupid. I made the decision to move to Portland, Oregon and in April 2000 I up rooted my life and took this huge leap. By then I was emotionally broken inside. My conscience was hurting for lying and cheating on a guy I knew loved me and I loved back. July 2000 I was put in the Hospital for Diabetic Ketoacidosis. Diabetic ketoacidosis develops when you have too little insulin in your body. Without enough insulin, sugar (glucose) can't enter your cells for energy. Your blood sugar level rises, and your body begins to break down fat for energy. This produces toxic acids known as ketones. Left untreated, diabetic ketoacidosis may cause you to lose consciousness. Eventually, untreated diabetic ketoacidosis can be fatal. I was lucky this time around. The Doctor told me I was lucky if I just waited a few days to come in there wouldn't been anything they could have done to save my life. I got a really good reality check. I almost died and this was big. You would think this would have been a wake up call but this wasn't my rock bottom. I was emotionally broken and didn't know how to pull myself through so I punished myself with food. I hated myself so much and didn't like who I became at this point in my life. I was pushing away a guy I loved because I didn't feel like I was worth it. My health was getting pretty bad so I made the decision to move home to Canada. I got medical help and I tried to put my life back together. I was emotionally broken and one of my lowest points in my life. I finally told my husband everything, all my fears, all my lies and all my truths knowing by doing this I may never see this guy again. I was prepared for this to happen and I unburdened my heart and I wanted to start fresh in my life. Letting go some of the pain I felt was good for me. As you know he didn't leave and he didn't walk away. We got engaged in May 2001. He wasn't going to let me go and I didn't want him too. We got married in Reno in November 2002. It felt so right to me. I was finally in a good place to be. The roller coaster of up and downs in my life with good times and the bad has given me faith in trusting I can make good choices in my life. I have learned hard lessons from my mistakes, bad judgments and I take full responsibility for my actions and my life. I think it has made me a better mother and more understanding because I've been in places in my life where I wouldn't choose for my family. If I didn't learn from my life then what's the point in growing, learning and to be a good person. I stopped drinking alcohol because I made stupid choices when I was drunk and poor choices that only caused me greater pain. I got my faith back in God again and I know I can count on him to guide my life to achieve the life I always wanted and deserved to have. Even though I was broken and beaten I still pulled up my head and fought for me. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. With hard work in putting back the broken pieces I called my sorry life I finally can see the other side of the rainbow. I finally forgave the choices that were made for me when I was a teenager and it doesn't mean I will forget what happened but I know it wasn't in my control but it's my control now as an adult to accept what happened and move forward. I think I was holding onto pain and suffering because I didn't know how to let go. I choose to want a better life so I'm doing it. Everyday I thank the life I am living. I feel like my battle of emotional heartache is gone because I make the choice and decision to not affect and consume me. Those days are over because I choose to live a better life. I could so easily be in a hard place right now but I pulled through and anyone who feels like they have no more energy to start over you can. It's taking responsibility for your life and to forgive the things you didn't have control over. You should never forget your own history but learn and grow from it. I accepted help because I couldn't do this by myself and the only way you can get help is ask for it. Just reach out to the hand who wants to help you. I had many hands who helped me and it was all worth it. I am in a stable marriage with two wonderful children. It was along journey of learning about self love and respect for myself. I live in the present and this is where I want to be. There were more moments in my life I didn't talk about and may be in time I may disclose those chapters in my life but this isn't the time. I dedicate this entry to all my friends, my family and extended family who supported me through all my life journeys. Thank you for believing in me :)

Footprints in the Sand

Footprints in the Sand One night I had a dream -- I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me. The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you." by Mary Stevenson I love this poem and it got me through a lot of hard times. I want to thank my family who I may not be related by blood or through adotion but they are my family. They were there for me when I needed a real family to love me. They never judged, held my hand and got me though my struggles when my adopted family abandoned me. They are more a family to me than my own family is. They didn't leave me when the going got tough. I love them with all my heart. Thanks so much for your love and support.

Recovery!

I wrote this in Group Therapy for one of my homework assignments back in 2004 and sometimes when I feel like doing something stupid I go back and read this letter. It's been along hard road and I learned acceptance about self love and looking at the world in a different way. I had to do this faster than I wanted but I'm grateful for all the hard work on my end and my Psychologist making me deal with all of my emotional pain. I learned lessons along the way and how I was missing out on living rather then just existing. I would never change anything because life lessons I learned have made me stronger. Letter to One Self Dear D, I would like to introduce myself to you. I’m your physical body. I’m the one you don’t listen to, the one you punish yourself with and most of all, the one you wish you could change. I need you to understand I’m here for you and you need to start listening to me. You have been training your subconscious mind for many years to think you don’t deserve self-acceptance. Your Mother made you believe accepting yourself is wrong but it was her choice for telling you this. It’s your choice not to believe her. Once you left your parents influences you repressed the creative flow of life within you. You allowed yourself to believe everything you were told. You allowed yourself to believe something is wrong with you. You’ve been trying to change what you believe is wrong ever since without challenging it. What you don’t understand is your way of thinking needs to change and not me, your physical body. Everything you ever wanted in your life is everything you deny yourself of having because you believe you don’t deserve it. Just because your Parents made the wrong choices doesn’t mean you have to make the same choices and keep them as your own. You are allowing yourself to hold yourself hostage to your past. You are still blaming yourself for those past actions. Some of those actions were not your fault and were out of your control. You can’t control something you had nothing to do with. They were decisions you didn’t decide for yourself because they were made for you. You can’t take responsibility for someone else’s mistakes, but only your own. Harming me will never change what happened to you from before. Only you can make choices to change. You need to have faith in yourself and believe you can accept yourself just the way you are today. Learn to accept this as your own reality and you will start believing in your own happiness. When you break me down, I bleed. When you hurt, I hurt with you and when you cry, I cry along too. When you self abuse you are reacting to your own emotional trauma, the ones you keep re-creating over and over again in my brain. You’re afraid to confront thoughts that give you the most pain but in reality you’re re-creating those same thoughts. I hope you realize these same thoughts are the same one’s which are too hard for you to face. It’s the way you deal with them that should change and not the reactions to them. When you punish me you will not heal that part of yourself that is longing for self-acceptance. You continue to get caught up in your own internal dramas and unknown beliefs to determine your feelings. Without knowing who you are, self-acceptance and change becomes impossible. You need to believe and allow yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this very moment. You need to take me as I am and stand up to yourself and believe in who you are because nobody knows you better then you. There will be positive people and negative people in your life and it’s very important to go inside yourself and view opinions as your own and not what other people think. Remember recovery is not an event but rather one of many journey’s leading to still many more journeys. You need to teach yourself values and morals that will last you your whole life. You’ve got to believe deep inside yourself that you’re destined to do great things. Recoveries are awareness to ignorance, and weakness to strength and often back again. A journey is growing from stage to stage with wisdom along the way. Don’t be afraid to walk down this path because this is where you will learn and face your greatest challenges. Challenges in life come with a gift we can only discover if we listen to what it has to say. When you accept self-punishment I get affected. You put a strain on my physical being. I’m not as strong as I used to be. My muscles are weak from years of abuse. You haven’t been giving me the fuel and nutrients I need to function. I’m weak and wearing thin. I’m having a hard time keeping you going and someday I will fail you. The headaches, the stomach pain, the malnutrition, the low blood pressure, the hair loss, and the dental problems are due to the abuse upon my physical self. These are symptoms I’ve given you over the years to wake you up but you haven’t been listening to me. These symptoms are because I’m over worked, stressed out, chemically over feed and over polluted. I’ve been giving you indicators over the years because it’s to let you know we are not balanced. It will get much worse if you don’t stop what you are doing because when I fail, you die. You will die if you don’t change your way of thinking. You need to understand you need me to help you survive and I can’t be strong when you deprive me of everything for life. I want to live for you but it’s up to you to determine how long you want to stick around this life. I want to be here for you for many more years because you are worth it to me. You have the power to fight those thoughts within your psyche and challenge them. I know you believe if you have self-confidence you’re being self-centered but that is your fear of self-acceptance. It’s okay to have self confidence without being self centered. Believe in yourself and you will succeed. The power is within you and only you. Good luck and start believing in you. Remember it’s your thoughts and not your physical self that’s hurtful. Sincerely, Your Physical Body Okay, wow..I like this letter. Reminded me of some good times during my process of healing some issues in Therapy. I thought it was going to be hard being in a group setting but I had laughs and at times tears and it was all worth it. My motto in group therapy: The only control you have are the choices you make! It's nice to see the other side of life!

My long time struggle with an Eating Disorder!

Some people don't understand fully about this subject. It's hard explaining something when you never had to struggle day in and day out with something so complex as an eating disorder. It has nothing to do with food but every thing to do with control. I characterized myself between anorexia and bulimia. I wrote this sometime in June 2004. The reason I am quoting myself because I'm in a different place now and back then I was living it. I was in a dark place emotionally and I was hurting with an inner fight I was losing and I would have to say I am not there anymore. I will always be fighting an Eating Disorder for the rest of my life. I learned what my triggers are and I DO NOT want to go back to THAT place of darkness. If anything else I can help someone else going through an Eating Disorder. I am warning you what you're going to read is emotional. "I shouldn't’t care what I look like because that sounds so vain but if you were told repeatedly over and over something is wrong with you, maybe, just maybe you would be screwed up as much as I am. I need to look perfect for me and only me. I’m so far from being perfect in my own eyes. I need to accept me. So many factors and this goes deep within my heart. I’m fighting with myself now and with all the trauma I had growing up and all the heartache being given’ up like yesterdays trash doesn’t compare to feeling like you can never be good enough in your own eyes. My ED has taken over my life. It consumes me every minute of the day and haunts me in my dreams. I can’t runaway from it. I silently cry within when I eat one piece of food. I hurt even more when I binge. I cry out when I purge it all back up. I am never in peace because it’s on my mind. My brain keeps telling me I'm not good enough and my heart keeps telling me I'm worth the whole world. I’m scared I’m losing this battle within. Some days I can’t get myself up to function and do just the little things and other days it’s not all that bad. No matter what people tell me about myself I have a hard time believing and trusting in it. I wish I could see what you all can see about my image because you don’t understand my perfection. How can you because I never talked about it until now. I could try to explain what my perfection is but I’ll be blue in the face and you would never get it. Maybe down the road I will try to explain my idea of perfection but right now it’s not the time. Maybe I don’t have time but some day I know I will beat this ED and then I can talk about it." "How do I begin? It’s hard opening up my heart and soul when all I want to do is run from my emotions. It seems like I’ve been struggling to get my shit together with this ED for years. 14 years to be exact and that’s a long time to have this disorder. I swear I done it all but then I’m still here all messed up so I couldn’t have done it all but I’m doing therapy, group therapy and I even joined a support group online but it’s all not enough to help work my life out. I’m going through a rough spot at the moment as you can tell. I’m feeling all sorry for myself. I’m dogging my body and I can’t even get my lazy butt off the couch and do some simple exercise. You would think eating is supposed to be some easy thing to do and it’s supposed to be easy but for some crazy idea I put in my little brain, I’m afraid to eat because when I do I binge myself silly. I am like hungry all the time and I keep telling my husband I can eat but I choose not too. I would rather not eat because for me, eating means gaining weight. Gaining weight for me is like, "oh my god, I can’t say it!" You would think I would be happy being at the smallest I’ve been since grade school but no, I’m not satisfied and have to lose that extra weight I carry around my waist area. I obsess over my body like not being perfect will be the end of me. I watch Dr. Phil all the time and he always asks those crazy people on his show what’s there pay off for doing all there destructive behavior and I have asked myself millions of times what my pay off is and for the life of me I’m figuring that out. If I knew what it was I wouldn’t be struggling with my ED like I am. I know I need to keep hanging in their and all that crap but it’s hard when your brain keeps nagging at you to be stupid. One day at a time!" "It’s a Sunday night on a beautiful June day. I’m listening to music trying to express my feelings the best way I know how. I just want to cry so hard but something is holding me back. I want to be so strong like I can handle this ED alone. Sometimes I wish I kept this disease a secret and didn’t tell anybody. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and have to lean on anybody. I recognize this disease wants me to be secretive, wants me to be alone, scared and ashamed with myself. It feeds on my insecurities and my fears. This disease has taken over my life because I sometimes let it. I feel like I have nothing left to give to myself at times. I fight so hard against my ED and a lot of times I just give up and let this ED take over so I don’t have to feel what the real pain is deep down inside. I have been damage so profoundly in my lifetime I don’t want to ever feel like that again. I’ll runaway. I know to get this ED under control I have to face and not avoid those feelings and thoughts I have about my past. I feel so out of control at the moment and want to just hide and sink in a big hole to think of nothing but happiness. Sometimes I tell myself I had enough and to get this ED under control and sometimes I tell myself I can’t handle the pain so I lean on this ED to just do its thing. This might sound so stupid but I feel like my ED is my friend. My ED has always been there for me even when its been destructive to me. I feed on it to make me feel better about myself. I guess what I am trying to say is this; it’s going to be hard learning to mange this Ed when all I know is this ED. I think I’m holding back the tears because I’m afraid to feel the ache inside. The pain is too much to bear and I want to be so strong. I am one big gigantic mess at the moment. I don’t know where to start. I don’t like to feel so out of control like I’m some kind of crazy wacko. On the outside I want to look like I can handle anything. I want to seem like everything is under control. I don’t want those people to win; I don’t want to feel like I failed or something like I can let some idiotic person bring me down. I want to show them I’m not going to let them believe they have the influence over me like I’m some pathetic person that can be affected by what they have to say about me. I get so furious with these people because I myself don’t want them to win. I know my past is my past but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less today. When I finely told my mother how I really felt and how hurt I am she ran the other way. I haven’t talked or had contact with her since January. She makes me feel so insignificant at times and I shouldn’t care what she thinks but she’s my mother and I loved her at one point in my life. Maybe I still love her today and that’s why it hurts so much. I don’t know. I feel so rejected, abandoned, and neglected by her. Maybe I just want her approval and to be proud of me. I shouldn’t care what she thinks of me especially what I have in my life today but the problem is I do care and that’s what hurts the most I think. The one thing my mother didn’t have control over was my ED. All those late nights as a teenager I binged while she slept and drank her beer to help purge all the food back up I would be so proud I was defiant and it made me feel so satisfactory I got away with it that night and every night after. I know I should have found something else to get back at my mother with but that was the only thing I could think of. I didn’t realize at the time I was only punishing myself. No one can tell me today my mother cares about me because I will never believe them and maybe that’s my way of protecting myself from the hurt I’m feeling at the moment but it will be along time before I realize she cares in her sick little way. I want to scream at her and slap her into reality. I want her to feel the pain I feel, I want her to get it that she hurt me, I want her to see me the way I see myself and that she was the one that caused it. I know I am a caring and sensitive person. Maybe I’m a little too sensitive at times but I can’t help that part of my personality. That’s what makes me I guess, me. I don’t let anybody see my struggles because I’m ashamed of that part of myself. No body can eat for me or to tell me how to feel. I don’t know how to lean on anybody. I have no problem talking about things and that life isn’t fair but I don’t know how to express how I’m really feeling. I’m alone most of the time because that’s what ED wants you to do, to cut yourself off from the rest of the world. I guess I’m in hiding. I don’t want to talk to anybody or be around anybody because I’m afraid they will see right through me. I don’t like confrontations. I don’t like people seeing me in a state of hopelessness or knowing I’m in a state of desperation. I have this anxiety at the moment because I’m sharing my secretive thoughts, I’m writing out everything I keep to myself, the stuff I don’t want anybody to know about me. It’s hard to actually believe I’m human and my thoughts are normal because this can’t be normal. I can’t be normal because it seems so insane to me. I don’t like being awake at times so I just sleep. I check out of this world by sleeping. I wake up and it's another day and I say man, I can’t handle being me today. I don’t want to face another day of having to work through my demons so I sleep. Dreamland seems a whole lot better than feeling like I’m not good enough. I remember when I was 12 to 15 I would walk to my elementary school in the middle of the night and I would sit there in the cold and look up at the stars and pray that someday life would be better for me and I would get out of this disarray I lived in. I wished I would find something special for me. I wanted god to take the pain away and then I found ED. I know god didn’t want me to get an ED but for me in the middle of the devastation of what my life was about back then it was my answer. What I’m trying to say is I had this determination back then to keep holding on for something great to make me see I was worth being born. I new I had to keep fighting the good fight because I knew in my heart I had something to give to this world some way or another. I think I lost that determination I had back then. I was so young and the lessons of life are greater of a challenge then what a little child knows by wishing on a bunch of stars. I don’t know what I was thinking by sitting in the cold in the dark and thinking if I wished that dreams would come true. I only got to where I am today because I made decisions and not because of some miracles I wished for. Maybe harming myself with this ED is selfish of me but sometimes I do it and not even am aware I’m doing it at times. I will sit there on the couch stuffing my face full of food because I starved myself all day and then become conscious what I’m doing and it scares me because I allowed myself to lose control for that moment. I feel so ashamed of myself when I do that because I’m supposed to be working the program of recovery. I know recovery doesn’t mean starving myself neither. The fear I have surrounding food is like finding out you have some form of cancer. It’s like finding out you have some devastating disease and can’t believe this could happen to you but its reality. My ED is cancer about food. Food is my drug to fight the cancer and I’m having a hard time taking the medicine. I want to stop what I am doing so badly because I know I can die from doing what I am doing. I am aware of this fact but it doesn’t make me want to stop at times. I still do it someway or another every single day and it scares me to think I’m harming myself because I’m getting some sort of satisfaction to get back at my mother. It’s like I’m abusing myself because I believe I’m this horrible person she told me I was. I keep contradicting myself because this is what the ED wants me to do. It wants me to be conflicted. It wants me to be confused and scared so I can only depend on it and no one else. I don’t like to share my thought and feelings with people because I don’t want to look like I’m some wounded soul who needs to be saved. Everything is so messed up, so crazy, and so confusing right now. It’s like I’m being pulling in every direction and all the voices in my head telling me what to do all the time. No wonder I want to check out of reality most of the time. It gets exhausting. I could keep going on tonight but I’ll leave it for another time." "I read about ED and the combination with Diabetes. I confess I lean towards foods I know I shouldn’t be eating but for me when I can’t eat something I end up craving for it. I eat a lot of junk food and sweets. I can’t help it or maybe I can but it’s like I have to have sugar because I know I shouldn’t be eating it. Once I figure these thing out I won’t want to eat candy and anything else that’s harmful to me. I’ll want to stay healthy and do things that are healthy but for now I haven’t really gotten it yet like it took me fracturing my left arm to quit drinking alcohol. It took me moving away from my family to realize I haven’t gotten over the abuse and the hurt is still there. I just hope I don’t end up committed to the hospital for me to get it. I know I’m not there yet to get committed but I really can’t see if I am or not. I’m just trying to make good decision for me right now. " Okay, that was hard to read. I definitely am not there anymore and hopefully I can have a brighter future. My kids need me, my Husband needs me and also the world needs me. An eating disorder may in the beginning be about losing weight but then it takes over your life and you're wrapped up in your head in a dark place and never saw it coming. I hoped this has helped the inner secrets of this disease.

A hard path to take!

This topic is going to be a hard one. I would like to share how my children came into this world. You are thinking, we all know how babies are born but I'm talking about the emotional part I had to go through to have two beautiful healthy babies and what I went through to achieve them and both were being miracles from GOD. I will start with A. My husband and I were not expecting this pregnancy. I just made an appointment with a diabetic educator to get my diabetes under control so I would be healthy to be pregnant. I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil in the Summer of 2004. I was having a hard time dealing with a death near and dear to my heart. I was deep in an ever lasting fight with an eating disorder. My mother and I didn't have a relationship and didn't talk for 8 months and dealing with life was hard for me. First when I was late for the monthly friend I thought it was just about stress and didn't think about it but then another week went by and no friend so one night we went to Walgreen's at 12:30am to buy a pregnancy test. The first test came out positive. We didn't believe it so we did the second test and that one came out positive. We thought we'll wait and do the third one in the morning. Test three was done first thing in the morning and sure enough the test was positive. I think we were in shock and excited at the same time. We were ready in our marriage to have children so it was a blessing. Then the reality sank in and went to the lab to get it verified. Yes, I was indeed pregnant. I had my first Doctor's appointment. I was in shock, a blur and scared to death. First off I was considered a high risk pregnancy because I was a diabetic but then factoring an eating disorder on top of it and a high chance this fetus wouldn't grow to be healthy because of the out of control diabetes. I was put on a hard reality check. What ever my RN asked of me I did. She said jump and I asked how high. In a matter of 3 weeks my diabetes went down in numbers where the baby would be safe from complications. Then all the appointments on a weekly basis I had to do. My weekly schedule: Pregnancy appointment Pregnancy councilor Group therapy Psychologist appointment ( every 3 weeks) phone appointment for blood sugar results I was being taken care of really well by all the medical staff who took me under their wings to make sure I was healthy and on top of that our daughter being healthy. It was a hard road I knew I had to do. It wasn't about me anymore and I needed to know I was doing all I could do to protect this child I was carrying. I had the hardest time with eating and gaining weight. I went from one meal a day to having to eat 7 times during the day. Their were days where I would be crying when I ate. Each bite meant more weight gain but I did it for this child. Each Ultra sound was stressful. I was scared they would give me bad news but once I saw her and she was fine I was relieved. On my 36th Ultra sound appointment our daughter stopped growing. Doctor's think I couldn't handle being pregnant any longer and started taking back the nutrients from the baby. It was time to deliver this tiny little girl. My husband and I were prepared she would be going to the NICU after her birth because she was 5 pounds and some and early by 3 weeks. By c-section she was born March 25, 2005 at 10:39pm on Good Friday small and healthy weighting in 5lbs, 5oz. No trip to the NICU and no extra testing and she was ours. We took her home 3 days later. All the odds were against us to have a healthy baby but I did it with the help of others. It was a hard long road emotionally and physically but I did it and she's fine doing her milestones early. I am so proud of her our gift from Heaven. J was planned. We had to get permission to try with baby two. I had tests done and got the thumbs up. First month didn't stick and then by September we got the news we were expecting. By one month I was having really bad morning sickness. Smells were driving me crazy and this should have been a sign what to come next. A , told us we were having a boy like I didn't think a 18 month old could say boy :) By the end of November I wasn't gaining any weight and actually losing weight. The baby was doing fine and growing so no one was worried about him but I was another story. I had my monthly tests done and I was told I was severely anemic. What this would do to me I didn't know. I was scheduled to see a Hematologist to find out what to do. I was put on a drug called Procrit get some help for home and try to relax. When a RN you trust with your life is telling you she is worried what do you do but PANIC. I was scared for my family and of course, you think about death and all the possibilities. It was hard telling the one's I love what was happening and it's like giving them my death sentence. I had to come to terms my husband and I may have to end this life inside of me, a baby I fell in love with already. It was an emotional time I had to face head on.

I was put in the pregnancy hypertensive program showing signs of beginning preclamcia. We got help and was very appreciated. We were told what our options were and the possibility we may have to abort this child before 24 weeks and to prepare for it. I didn't want to think about it but they will do whatever they could so it wouldn't end up like that. Anyone women who had an Abortion before it's not an easy decision to make and a painful emotional situation. I think I had an Ultra sound every few weeks. More appointments and more tests. I was scared for me and this child I was carrying. I was scared for our daughter and my husband. We, as a family were dealing with this together. My husband was a rock when I needed a shoulder to cry on or just needed him to rub my back. I was so tired and so sick. My RN who took care of me had milestones for me. Lets get to 24 weeks she said, and then 28 weeks then 32, 34 and last 36 weeks. They didn't think I would make it until 28 weeks but I did. At 28 weeks I was scheduled for a c-section for April 24, 2007. This was my date I had to make it too. I didn't think sometimes I would get to this date. At the end of February I was hospitalized with walking Pneumonia for a week stay. First they thought I had a blood clot in my left lung. It was traumatic. J inside was doing his part. He moved all the time 24/7 letting me know he was doing fine and he was safe for 3 months before his birth. Our son was born 2 days shy of 37 weeks on April 24, 2007 weighing in 6lbs, 10 oz at 10:08am and healthy. No NICU visit and with some Jaundice we took him home 3 days later. We were a family of 3 to a family of 4 and our family was complete. All done, a girl and a boy.

A month later I had my first bone marrow biopsy and then 3 weeks later another one. J was anemic for a few months and we gave him iron drops and he's a healthy 16 months old. We were blessed.

The road to get these two babies was hard, scary and emotionally draining for me. I always give thanks for these two miracles everyday. My health hasn't been good since being diagnosed with anemia but I'm dealing with it. At times I'm really frustrated but you keep going forward one day at a time. This hard road was worth it. Thank you!

What were you doing on September 11, 2001?

I will never forget this day. A day in History I will tell my young kids about when they get older and celebrate this day to remember all of the people who lost their life to hate. We saw evil that day and distress of a Nation. I woke up by the Phone ringing. My soon to be Husband was already at work. I answered the phone and it was my Mother-n-law asking me if I still wanted to go Wedding Dress shopping and I was like, yeah why not? She then told me what happened in New York so I turned my TV to CNN. I saw the clip of the second plane hit the World Trade Center. I was in shock and not really believing what I just saw like something from a movie. My Husband called from work asking me if I was okay and said yes, not sure if I was or not. This has to be a dream and it's a real nightmare. We live on the West Coast so everything already happened, the towers were down, the Pentagon hit, the plane down in Shanksville, PA. It seemed like a world away and it's not sinking in. Sure, I wanted to go dress shopping and not because I didn't care what was going on, on the East Coast because I didn't want to believe what was happening. I wanted to keep moving forward and not let some terrorist defeat me. I didn't want to be scared so we went dress shopping. I wanted to be happy and I needed to be happy. I tried on some beautiful dresses but in the back of my mind I was thinking what am I doing in some boutique trying on Wedding dresses on a day our Country is in Chaos. So I went home and turned onto CNN for the rest of the day and night staying up watching all the terror unfolding in front of me. It really hit home for me was the silence in the sky because our apartment was a flight path for commercial airplanes flying into Portland International. It was a lonely feeling like I was the only one around. Every once in a while I heard fighter jets in the sky and are we at war and with whom? The devastation in front of me I didn't understand and it was real and it was happening. I was so speechless and hurting for people I didn't even know. I was crying for a Nation and a world who were impacted by this terror of evil. For a short bit we came together as a nation and a World united fighting against a small group of people trying to take away our freedom, a voice and a way of life. I don't ever want to forget this day and I will never let my children forget this day. To all the family and friends on American Airlines flight 11, United Airlines flight 175, American Airlines flight 77, United Airlines flight 93, all the Police, Fireman, all the people in the World Trade Center, and Pentagon I will forever remember you.

Blog or not to Blog?

I wasn't interested in the whole "blogshere" until a few months ago. I was googling something for Stargate Atlantis and came across a blog from an Executive Producer of the show. I love his sarcastic remarks and behind the scenes information of the show. I could go on how much it makes me laugh but I don't have much time. The little one's do need their mother and not one sitting on the couch writing a long and thoughtful entry. I've been a Facebook junkie over a year now. I've been in contact with friends from High School. Oh how long ago that was, geez it's been 15 years. I've gotten in contact with a lot of family from my birth parents side. The applications have gotten too much. I have a few I can mange on a regular basis. I joined fan pages, groups that mean something to me on a personal level. It's been about 2 weeks when I decided of all things to write something on a fan site. I wanted to know what everyone was talking about. I think it was the worst mistake I've done in a long time. I was clueless and in my own happy world before this. I didn't know one of my favorite shows was the BIG topic of discussion. I decided to do my own posting and well the "cyber bullies" as I put it came out of the wood work. I understand some criticism and understand different opinions but these are people who just want to tear you down because of something you personally believe. They want to silence your voice and intimate you because that's what they do. You call them on somethings and they try to back track and make excuses to justify their opinion. You can dish it out but can't take it sounds like you need to look in the mirror. I had great people who knew how to write their opinion and have a discussion without attacking a stranger's character by name calling etc... Some of these cyber bullies make me laugh and I had a lot of laughing over the last few weeks. I was accused of being stupid, not intelligent, and how would I know anything because I don't have enough life experience. The last one was really funny to me because anyone who knows me personally knows I have plenty life experience to last a life time. I don't wish my life on anybody because I have a strong need to survive and a determination to keep on going. We all have things in our lives that are very hard to get past and move forward. Stuck in that ever lasting cycle of pain and suffering until you can't deal with it anymore. I had a lot of those moments most of my life and over came a lot of them and some I'll have to work on though out my life. My husband and children remind me everyday that my life is good. I can appreciate myself and my life. I also can stand up strong and keep my faith and not let some stranger in the "blogshere" to rip me down because it's not going to happen. Pick someone else to bully because this chick isn't going to fall for it. So my question to blog or not to blog. I have a voice with lots to say. I guess I decided to blog on the fact I have lots of life experience and wisdom I want to share. Cyber bully's you opened Pandora's box.