Oh Joy!!

Today is my birthday...you can't see but I'm so excited about it....(sarcasm here)

Did you know it's only 10 day until Christmas?

Don't avoid your Problems!!

So the last few months I haven't slept well. I can't get any single good night sleep. I get chances to sleep but not good rested sleep. I like avoiding my problems. I am good at it and I procrastinate so I don't have to deal with them but you know what...my brain is like ah ha...you need to work this out and won't let me sleep because my brain goes on overdrive right before I go to bed like that very instant I have to deal with stuff in my life.

Too me, it's not important like it bothers me when people comment on Abortion. Okay, it bothers me a lot but I'm great at avoiding my feelings on that. I just ignore them. That's what I do when life feels like it's weighing me down. I ignore my emotions and who cares if I'm crying all the time, feeling all down with myself but someone has to do housecleaning, taking care of a home and organizing my families schedule. I have to ignore something so I figured my problems that dwell within me have to be put on the side burning but apparently my brain didn't get my memo of avoidance and distraction of one's own feelings.

So the last few days I have kept myself up later than I want to so I'm so exhausted I just want to crash from sleep deprivation and the moment I put my head down on my pillow my eyes pop open and I'm wide awake. Yes, I can't sleep and I start to cry because I know I'm avoiding what I shouldn't avoid...remember I got the memo and I just want to distract so I can go to bed. I just want to go to bed because I am one crazy bitch when I don't get a large amount of sleep. I can't function and when I can't function the family seems to be less organized and my oldest doesn't get her reading list done for school and I forget to make her do her homework for a week. Yes, this happened but all is good because I made her catch up. See, things happen when I can't sleep like the importance of a grade school education for my daughter.

So the avoidance isn't working so good for me. I am on over kill on self destruction because of my lack of sleep and life is running on crazy right now. I up my dose of Vitamin D3 pills today because I think the lack of sunlight is also playing a role here too but that's for another time. So anyway, I decided to just be straight up with myself and be honest I'm an emotional mess like I am every year this time because like I just said the lack of sunlight plays apart with my insanity. So I realized I have life cycles and right now I'm in my blue cycle and who knew having a vitamin D deficiency could play apart in my world. So I was talking to a herbalist at the drug store and got some good advice. I would tell you but I don't want to get sued as in legal hell so what works for me may not work for you so get your own herbalist or see a Doctor! That's my advice.

So anyway, I'm trying different vitamins to see if that helps. I'll let you know or maybe not if it doesn't work. Then I decided to work on fixing the other avoidance in my life. I'm going to deal with it. I'm sure my husband will be quite happy when I stop being anti-social. People are good. Okay, a lot of people are good and sometimes a person within my circle of friends will do something stupid that hurts my feelings and I need to move on from that and not take it so personal.

It just gets to me when I go to Church and I learn so much of who God is and I'm wanting that relationship with him and I'm soaking it all in and I'm learn about love and how I should love each and everyone of you all because we're all God's Children even the non believers. So I'm getting the message and I'm applying it to my own life. I'm learning to forgive and heal my wounded heart and all my past hurts and judgement and I'm  giving it all to Jesus because that's why he did what he did for us to take away our sins so we can have ever lasting life with God in Heaven. I was opening my eyes to all the blessings within my own life and how special life is and one's own journey then BAM...my so called Christian Brother does something that just blows up in my face of how not special I am by a decision I made when I was 23 years old. Not only that but I was accused of being just as evil as Hitler and the killing of the Jews during the Holocaust because I have a different opinion about Abortion. Lets just say it stings!!

It was a blow to everything I believe in and also trying to forgive I decided to do more things with the church and joined the ladies book club. Once a month we read a book and then get together and chat about how we love this Christian Book. I thought it would be fun seeing how I love to read and I read a lot so why not. I will not walk away from the church because I would have if this happened years ago. I would have avoided anything to do with the hurt I was feeling. Move on and forget. Not this time and I would open myself up even more to see the good in all this hurtfulness.

Well I'm reading  this months book and I so not think it's great. I down right not like this book. I haven't finished it yet but so far I'm not digging the book and I read all the comments on Facebook how wonderful this book is and I just want to gag on it. Now, do I go and discuss the book and let my feelings be heard on the subject or do I do what I always do and avoid the uncomfortable situation and pretend I forgot about this months book club get together this Friday night? Choices, and trust me I'll rather go and pretend I love the book so I can go hang out with the girls but I can't lie about the book and I would rather not share the reason I don't like the book because that would mean I would have to share parts of my past I would rather leave in my past. Not something I want to talk about with a bunch of Christian women who I see every Sunday and parts of the rest of the week. I even asked my Husband to stop going to small group so I can avoid and distract from the Christian Brother I've been hurt by. It's awkward and uncomfortable for me to be in the same room with this man. My real thought is to go slap that man in the face but then that wouldn't be very Christian of me would it?

Yesterday I was sitting in the car with my husband coming back from spending a lot of money on vitamins for the various medical issues I have contracted over the years and I just sat there screaming in my head WILSON!!! you know from the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks. I was just screaming silently within my head because if I did it in real life that would look crazy and I'm no Brittany Spears ya'll!! And it felt great and I came home and started listening to music that empowers me and makes me feel like I have things handled. It felt good and sometimes I just fall in a hole and just want to sit there and not have any energy to dig myself out of it. I sit and smell the flowers and I stare up at the sky and pretend I'm looking at all the beautiful stars when I can't see through all the thick clouds in the sky. I'm living my life the way I want to but sometimes I avoid and sometimes I hide because it's better to be alone then to sit with someone pretending I have it all together when I don't.

I don't have life figured out and I'm okay with that and maybe my brain just needs to shut up once in awhile because life isn't perfect and I shouldn't expect life to be perfect. I'm the gal who avoids and distracts because that's what life made me into and I wish my brain gets this memo so I can get some good night sleep from now on. See I'm crying here "I Want Some Sleep", so take care, and I can only dream of peace on earth!!

Hi, it's just me...don't be so disappointed!!!

Happy American Thanksgiving.  I say American because I'm not American...my kids and husband are but not me...I'm from the Great North Canada.  I love my Country and us, Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October. Very nice!!! So yes, I celebrate twice...life is great like that!!

So be proud and thankful on this generous day that you have riches even if you have nothing. Happy Thanksgiving!! If anyone cares, it's like a month to Christmas!! Enjoy this Holiday because tomorrow is beyond Crazy here in the USA with their Black Friday. I pay full price just to stay away from stores on Friday the day after Thanksgiving. It's a mad world out there...be safe, don't drink and drive and peace on earth even though it will never happy but it's worth praying for. Much Love, Me!!

My Blue Season!!

My brain is pretending I'm in a warm sunny weather climate than here in the cold rainy Pacific Northwest!! Did anyone say Sunlight?

We have Value!

I suffer quietly with anxiety attacks and I keep quiet because I feel awkward and indifferent and when I'm in social situations I feel like I just want to hide in the corner. Sometimes I force myself to say something, smile and force myself to open up of who I am. It's never easy. It's downright hard to express my most inner secrets because I’m a product of Bullying. I have been told I’m not worth it, I’m not responsible, I’m a dirty alcoholic Indian when I was 10, I was called the “N” word when I was 6, I was called brown cow when I was 14, I was called chocolate milk that’s sour and stinks and I can go on and on of the injustice I have suffered because of who I am. I lived it and I suffered and I don’t want other children to feel like I have throughout my life. I don’t want any child to feel ashamed of who they are. This isn’t a pity party. I just want people to know their actions really do affect people they tear down just to make themselves feel better.

It’s how our society justifies Bullies by putting up a YouTube video of said situation where the video gets a million hits and who does that really serve?, not the child who’s face is plastered all over the video being harassed, beat up and embarrassed knowing millions of people are watching them get humiliated over and over for the world to see. How is that fighting against bullying? We’re no better than the people doing the bullying by watching these videos of a child being exploited by a YouTube video.

The reason I'm opening up because I'm getting tired of children killing themselves for being who they are, or hearing about racial discrimination, and sexual harassment, being discriminated because you’re a female, discriminated because you’re male, transgendered, your sexual preference, religion, and non-religious people. I’m tired of hearing about a child going into a school and shooting people because they were treated like an outcast and they couldn’t take life with their peers any longer. How tragic these children who should have a life full of love are being tormented, and who are silently hurting and are praying to die. There are kids who secretly pray to die and that is horrifying to me. These kids should have soft places to fall and to know someone truly believes they are valuable then going through life thinking no one cares for them if they are here or not. That hurts my heart knowing we have children in our world who are hurting and would rather lash out and kill other kids because their hearts are broken.

I’m tired of people fighting because they are Republican, Democrat, Tea Party, the 99%, and the 53%, Independent, Rich or Poor. What’s the point? We all are not molded the same and science has proven we are all different. So why we feel we all should act and behave equally when we are not. We all have opinions, we all have different values and we all think we know what’s right for the whole body as a whole. How can we change the next generation when we don’t have good role models for our younger generation to look up too? How can they learn when the older generation is doing the same thing on media outlets and all over our Television sets but then turn around and we tell our youth it’s not okay to behave like that? It’s all for the greater good right? Having a double standard of how to treat people is not okay and it’s shouldn’t be considered that’s what people do.

I'm tired of being singled out because of the color of my skin and get a job because I’m considered a minority and a company is only filling their quota. I’m tired of people exploiting my gender because I'm female and the “what I can't do” because I'm female. I’m getting tired of not saying anything sooner because I believe I do have value and have a voice. I’m tired I’m part of the problem because I haven’t stepped up because I think someone else will do it. So I’m going to get off the comfort train and start saying something. I’m saying that we as a society need to change if we want the injustice of bullying to stop. It starts with us, the individual to be accountable for our actions so our generation can be an example to the next generation.

What I’m trying to say is I don’t want another child to suffer because our society won’t step up and stop bullying and neither should our humanity!!

Thanks for your time!!

That's that!

The Power of God’s Love

Philippians 4:13(NIV) I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

My struggles in my life were my biggest strength. My journey in life wasn’t full of peaches and cream but of sorrow and despair. It had nothing to do with how great I fell but how I rose back up by the spirit of Christ.

Most of my life I never knew I was blessed and thought my whole life up until 6 months ago as punishment for the mistakes I have done. I was born unworthy so I must be unworthy. I thought my struggles were my punishment but now I know that’s not the case. The world makes me unworthy but through Christ I am worthy.

When I was 23 years old I didn’t ask to be raped but it happened. I didn’t ask to get pregnant but it happened. I didn’t want to make the decision to have an abortion but I chose too to have an abortion and out of all that I asked for God’s forgiveness.

Through God’s forgiveness I was blessed with a Husband who gives me unconditional love and I have been blessed with two healthy beautiful children.  I rise up through my faith in Jesus Christ and the world may condemn me but I know through Jesus Christ I have been saved. 

Thank you for listening to my thoughts!

Eye of a Hurricane!

I prayed I would go see a Chris Tomlin concert. In December 2010 I found out Chris was coming to Portland. I was going to be there but the day my husband and I were going to buy his concert tickets the concert was sold out.  My heart hurt a little and going to Seattle which was his last city on his tour wasn't an option. I thought maybe next time and my dream to see him in concert would have to wait for another time.


Later that day I got an email saying Chris Tomlin was adding another concert in Portland for April 14th. We bought the tickets right then. Pinch me, I was one step closer to seeing Chris Tomlin. Why Chris Tomlin? His music inspires me and his songs brings me closer to Jesus.


The hurricane of my health troubles started on March 17, 2011. I fought hard to get up on my feet. I struggled and I prayed. This concert meant so much to me. I knew I had to be there. I knew it would change my life. It was like desperation and the very need to be there was pushing me to move forward. 


The day I was admitted for the third time into the Hospital I realized this time was a little more serious then the last two times in the hospital.  I still kept my faith in 10 days I'll be enjoying my time listening to Chris Tomlin....I prayed because it didn't look promising.


So I had a Lung Tap, I had a blood Transfusion and oh right, I also had lung surgery all in a 5 day period. After surgery I calculated in my head I have 3 or 4 days with tubes sticking out of my body and I need to get off my IV pain medication. I needed to be discharged neither Wednesday or Thursday morning. Monday before the concert I got my tubes taken out and the IV pain medication went away on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was allowed to go home which meant I was going to the concert Thursday Night!! 


Thursday Night I was listening to Chris Tomlin. I was present and soaking it all in. Who knew less than a week earlier I was in a surgery room getting my lung operated on due too an empyema pleural effusion in my right lung. I heard there were 5 other people who had the same thing I had and I was the lucky one who survived. 


Even though I was still having problems breathing I sang my heart out. It felt so right and I was amazed I was actually there like it was a dream. I saw Chris Tomlin in concert. Those words I can't believe I said it. I was listening to Chris Tomlin in concert watching him and listening to him sing his beautiful songs. It was a miracle I was there when a week before I was told by my pulmonologist I would need lung surgery. 


My prayers were answered and dreams really do come true. This was my eye of the hurricane because a few days later I was back on another journey of more medical problems that lasted for along time. 


I needed this break and this special moment. It would push me through the very hard days, during my endless nights of depression and the sadness within my heart. It got me through my trials of pain and when I wanted to give up I would remember how I felt during the concert and it kept me moving along.


Today is near the end of September and I'm slowly learning to live again and the hurricane slowly gone with a lot of damage left behind. I will rebuild my life. I will get my heart right again and my season of depression will be a thing of the past because God is Good!!


I will remember the eye of the storm and what a blessing it had on my life. I'll never forget!

These scars got me on the road to see Chris Tomlin in concert. They may be ugly scars but to me they are my blessings and without them I would never have made it to April 14, 2011. Take care, Peace!


http://www.christomlin.com/

Kids need better education in life!

So my daughter has been in school a week now. She's liking the first grade and I'm happy she's enjoying her time. I decided to add more onto my plate and home school both kids in furthering their education. I feel public school does nothing to give my children the heads up they need to succeed in adulthood.

Sure they will be in public school for the social aspect but being educated on a level of success I feel they will not get. I read my daughters elementary school ranked in the 500's out of 700's in our state of Oregon. I was shocked and appalled by those numbers.

I think our children in the USA are being under educated and the failure to see what government education is doing on our children to me is under-minding their futures. I wish my husband and I could afford private school because then I would know they are getting the education they deserve. Our public schools should be raise the educational bar so our school children have a chance to succeed once they finish their education. It doesn't cost money to expect more from your students.

Why do people want just average for our school children? Why not let them thrive to be the best they can be, to push them to want to do more than what's asked of them and to praise them for what they have achieved then rewarding to make them feel better.

Maybe I grew up in a different era or a Canadian education makes a difference but I believe a child who's in a great learning environment who is pushed a little to see what they can do while they are learning to the best of their ability is rewarding not only to the child but also for society. We want smart kids in our society and not kids who expect to just be average and scrap by in life. Our economy needs it and our society needs it. My children's generation in 40 years will be the leaders of tomorrow.

I also want my children to embrace failure so they can learn from their mistakes. Failure isn't a bad thing if you grow from learning from your mistakes. If you don't allow your children to fail in an educational situation you are not doing them any favors but hurting their growth in learning.

I always tell my children I have a few simple rules I ask of them:

Do the best to your ability! "Can I do better?"
Try new things
Enjoy your life and have fun!

My up bringing was a lot different then how I'm raising my children. I got the good education but lacked the parental encouragement. We all need to cheer our kids on and not accept just average but greatness because these children of today will be our leaders tomorrow. Have a nice day!!

2011 year of sickness!!

Back in March my family got sick. First my son, then my husband and then my daughter. I was kinda lucky because I'm usually the first to go down with sickness. My immune system sucks and if someone sneezes on me I usually get sick and that's how bad I am. I'm surprised I'm not a germaphobe and maybe I should be.

A couple of days after my daughter had the flu I started feeling under the weather. My husband had to work from home because I couldn't get myself out of bed. I finally convinced myself to see a Doctor because something wasn't quite right and I new it so there I was in Urgent Care on a nice Saturday afternoon being seem by a Doctor. Nothing the Doctor could do for me but give me some prescriptions for comfort and sent me on my merry way.

The following day I woke up for Church and I couldn't get out of bed. I felt like someone was stabbing me in my back. Later that day I made my husband call the advice nurse of what I can do and from the symptoms I was experiencing she told me to go to the Emergency Room.

That Sunday night I was admitted for dehydration with  Influenza B. I stayed in the Hospital for 3 days. 9 days later I was admitted back into the Hospital for Bacterial Pneumonia and I stayed for 3 days. 2 days later I was back into the Hospital because the pneumonia got worse and this time I had a blood transfusion and lung surgery after a 10 day stay. 2 weeks later I was back into the Hospital for another 9 days.  Total of 25 days in the Hospital from March 20th to May 7th.

Since then I've been in and out of Urgent Care or the Emergency room for various problems several times. This last time on my way home from my vacation the RN had a hard time finding any good veins in my arms to use for the IV's because I've had so many IV's in my arms they can't take anymore abuse.

I'm not complaining because I know friends and family members who have gone through much worse then me. They are the one's who I think about when I'm dealing with my own medical problems. It gives me understanding that no matter how bad it is for me someone in this world is going through something worse. I'm just getting tired and hopefully someone in the medical profession can figure out what is wrong with me and why I have so many medical problems.

So I decided I'm going to be a germaphobe and if you see someone walking down the road in a hazmat suit with two little kids in tow then that's me. Have a nice day!!

Life is slowly moving!

A week can make a girl feel special and my family vacation did just that. I guess I needed to be in the middle of no where in a tent for a few days to unwind and relax with the family. The kids were great in the car drive seeing how we were all cramped in a full car packed with everything we could need to go camping in our Grand Prix which by the way my husband and I realized we out grew our car on this trip. Someone will be researching SUV's soon which means that's me. Our 5 hour car ride was great. Buying one of those portable DVD players was a great investment and we had two happy kids and two happy parents. We left home at 5:30am so we could get to our campsite so we could relax and set up camp before it got too late.

We ended up buying all the gear for fishing. My 6 year old daughter loved fishing and caught a few. My 4 year old  fished for about 5 minutes and then he was done. He didn't last long and it was a joy to sit still, be quiet and just look at the beauty of nature. It was quite inspiring and peaceful. The kids had some moments but what kid doesn't and overall spending a quiet peaceful vacation is what we needed. The kids thought our tent was cool and didn't mind sleeping in sleeping bags. I was a human Popsicle the first night because it got so cold but after that we all were warm and it was nice. I wish we could have stayed longer but our beautiful daughter started school yesterday.

We left Sunday for our drive back home but not without some drama. I ended up getting sick like vomiting. About 2 hours in my Husband flagged over EMT's and I was driven to a Local Hospital in an ambulance. I was hooked up to IV's and I waited in the waiting room. Then I got worse with vomiting up blood. I was not in good shape. When I was finally called to an ER room I was hooked up to various machines, had various tests done, and after hours of tests and more tests, given drugs to make me feel better, the vomiting stopped and the Doctor told me to contact my own Doctor about my heart and he sent me on my merry way. In the meantime my husband and children stayed at a nearby Hotel for the Night because we were far from home. The kids loved the hotel stay and I got to go back in the morning and take a nice long hot shower before we took our journey home once again.

Tuesday arrived bright and early and we said goodbye to our first grader and I'm happy to say she will have a great school year of many possibilities. I did enjoy the house of peacefulness with only one child at home but when I went to pick up the daughter at the bus stop the loudness came back and life was normal again.

We had such a great family vacation in a few weeks we're going on a mini trip again to enjoy our family once again. We will be going to Forks, Washington this time. I just want to say I went to Forks and La Push. I may tell you if I met Edward and Bella Cullen's or meet any Vampires. That's funny!! I realized our family needs these kinda trips. We need going away from our daily lives to explore what life has to offer and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I got a lot out of life this past weekend. It was needed especially when life is hard with medical problems to just enjoy what's important and to me that's spending time with my family. It was nice seeing life through my kids eyes and the excitement of exploring something new with them.

My health is what it is and I just need the patience to endure until my body figures out how to function right. I made an appointment to see my Doctor next week and I'll be asking for a plan so I can get my life back to some normalcy.

This week I have great reason to celebrate and also mourn the 10th anniversary of 9/11. My Church is launching a book of 7 testimonies of life stories of people from our church. I can't wait and I'll be praying and thinking of the lives lost. Take care, Peace!! Jesus died for all Sin including yours!!

Reality Bites!

Why does my heart hurt so much? I kind of know the answer to this question. I have been struggling with life. All around me everyone is living their life and I'm just stuck in an never ending battle with myself. It's raw and hurtful and I don't know how to get myself out of this anxiety of overwhelming pain. My life has changed after the pneumonia. I feel sad, depressed and I just feel like as much as I'm fighting to get better apart of me has sunk into a deep hole of emotional pain. I want my life back and to feel more than this sadness within my soul. I feel like I'm on the edge of life and I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment. I can see where my life is at now and I can see where I want to be like this push and pull of never ending sorrow.

I don't know how anyone can help me. I know my husband can see I'm struggling and I know his troubles are because of me. I can feel it within him thinking he's watching his wife slip away and he feels helpless to do anything. It's just hard because I have tried everything. I asked for medical help because I know my addition to prescription drugs has a hold on me. I didn't get help like I thought. By the medical professional I saw doesn't think I have a problem. I'm afraid to ask again for help. I have this struggle to pick up the phone because of the rejection I got the last time I called. I can't sleep without those pesky drugs but during the day the need for more is hurting me. I know where they are kept and my husband has them in the safe which I can't get too but if I could I would be taking them. That's how bad I am and I'm not on the hard stuff because I can't get to them.

I am learning to not need drugs and I know it's not my fault like it's not the Doctor's fault for prescribing them. I had a reason for needing drugs. I had lung surgery and they were much needed but now after months of healing my body wants them, needs them and I'm left fighting a battle within myself and I feel like I'm losing.

It's so difficult to just shut that part of myself off. I don't want to be hooked on drugs. I don't want this or feel like I should be going through this unnecessary pain of self conflicting struggle but I am. The push and the pull, the highs and the lows, the back and forth is what's killing me. I'm all over the map emotionally and I just want to feel normal again. I just want to smile and mean it. I just want to wake up feeling refreshed because I have forgotten how that feels then waking up with a headache, my body hurting and the need for more drugs. The need for more drugs is so painful. My body needs drugs and each time I give in apart of me falls apart. Apart of me feels like a failure like I don't have any self control. Why don't I have self control? I've tried going cold turkey, I've tried down grading like the Doctor's tell me and every time I try something it doesn't seem to work. I go as long as I can take it. I'm self inflicting and one of these days I'll be back in the hospital and this time I won't be so lucky.

I'm tried the blame game and anger just seems to just make me feel more emotional broken. I'm going away with the family this weekend and I'm hoping to just escape for a few days and maybe when I get back I'll drum up the courage to make that phone call again to get myself some help because I have no where to go and I don't want to live the way I'm living. This sucks and I'm hurting. I hurt and I feel empty and what more of a life lesson to learn than this....sacrificing who you are isn't worth the pain of addition!

I'm still here!!

Wow, it's been awhile like a few months I have written a blog post and time has gone in a flash. I've been in recovery from illness and in a few weeks I'll be posting my story during my the last few months. Life has been pretty interesting for me and I would rather not have to experience it again. It  all started because I got the flu at the end of March. Life through me a whole lot of lemon's and I slowly made myself some lemonade. I'm slowly back to my old life a little scarred up but I'm here and functional.

I got a whole lot to say right now. Right now, I'm dealing with a situation with a friend of mine and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I wrote a blog entry along time ago about abortion. LINK HERE Yes, I had one and this friend of mine has a strong opinion about abortion. Let's just say he doesn't think highly of women who have had abortions. He doesn't know my story, my decision of why I had one and do I even tell them? I have forgiven myself and I know in God's eyes I have been forgiven because Jesus died for all our sins. Yours and mine. We are imperfect and we all make major mistakes we have guilt over.

I know how he feels about the subject and what makes matters worse is he baptized me on June 5th. Wrap that around your head. Would he have baptized me knowing I had an abortion? I'm part of his small group within the church. Will he accept me as a friend if he knew? I just know who I am but the question is; will our friendship change once I disclose my abortion to him?

I know it's his hang up. I know my life journey. I know I have lived with my decision as hard as it may have been. Whatever I end up doing I'm going to do what's best for me and what's best for my family.

Today my family had a picnic with his family and when he was spouting off his ignorance I left it at that; gave him a pass because he's a man who is imperfect with ignorance of a subject he has no clue on other than a judgemental opinion.

Take care, Peace!!

Life goes by too fast!!

March Madness is right. This month passed me bye like a thief in the night. Lots happened this month and way too many to count. My daughter is officially 6 years of age. My family got plagued with the flu and with me taking a trip to the Emergency Room and a lovely stay in the hospital for a few days. My daughter got to have her sleepover with her grandparents over her break and I wish the circumstances were better but she felt she had the better end of the stick.

I'm recovering from a really bad cold or allergies I haven't figured that one out but at least, I'm not in the hospital anymore with bad food and an IV in my arm. I didn't even have time to write out my thoughts which to me could be a bad thing but oh well, this month is almost over. April is coming on fast and I thought March was pretty overwhelming and stressful April may just push me over the emotional cliff but as always I will overcome with style and come out of April a stronger person or more dysfunctional. Who knows, but I hope the month of April goes bye just like March plus I need the weather to turn to spring so I don't have to wear so many layers of clothes to keep my bones from freezing.

I'm here and someday I will have something more exciting to say but until then....take care, peace!!!

I got questions!!

I do my best thinking when life gives me challenges. I seek answers but sometimes I just have to put them out there. No one has all the answers except for God and who knows if he will share them and if we ever want to know all the answers.

Right now I have some hard questions about life, the questions people have been fighting, arguing about for along time. What is life? When does it really start? When does it end? Who decides when it should end? Does society dictate these answers or is it a personal choice to seek out it's answers.

Some people are afraid to ask these questions because of the ridicule and judgement they may get or people may think they are ignorant for ever questioning for an answer.

So then one might seek the answer from God if they believe in him the creator of the heavens and the universe: what is life? (NIV-Genesis 2:7) the Lord God formed the man from dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, the man became a living being.

Some people may not believe in a creator or believe there is a God and their understanding about life is different then a religious one. Then you get the argument that a baby isn't really a baby until it is born so it's okay to end its life before it gets the chance to ever have it's first breath. So who really decides when life starts?, the women who terminates her pregnancy early, the Politicians, Doctors, Society? and then you get the argument that it's the women's choice what to do with her own body. Yes, I believe a women has her free will to decide what she does with her own body. I'm a women and for someone to dictate what I can and can't do with my personal being I kind of get a little upset. So who really decides then? For the believer it's God. The unbeliever it's human rights.

So what is life? and when should it be protected? Should society protect people who want to commit suicide? If it's there choice to end their life then why shouldn't they be allowed to end their life? Or why is it so wrong for a Doctor to help one of there patients end his/her suffering? Why is that wrong? If Doctor's are there to preserve life then why not try and preserve an unborn baby? Why is suicide wrong but abortion is okay? Those are questions to think about.

What makes ones life valuable and who gets to decide the value of that life? Society? Women? Men? Religion? or is it the individual person who values ones life and then you think about the unborn child. Does this being who isn't born yet have value to life? Then when does life really began?, The moment an egg and sperm connect or when a baby is born? I don't know the answers. Maybe both are the right answers and it depends on the person.

Then is it really wrong for someone to commit suicide or for someone to help in ending a life from medical suffering, or for someone on death row, for a women to abort an unborn baby. Whatever is right or wrong of what you believe when life begins....then who decides the right answers? Who's right? Who's wrong? Who gets to decide when life should be saved and when life should end? Who deserves life? and what about unborn babies who never gets a chance of living? Do they even have value?

So we place judgement on people with opposition on what we believe is right to life. Maybe we should think about what's right to the individual and let the person decide how they value life and when a women should end a pregnancy. We all have our own beliefs, we all have our own journey in life and we all value life differently so then why should anyone place judgement on someone who thinks and feels differently than yourself?  We all can't be right or are we?  Take care, Peace!!

Along way home!!

Sometimes I think about death. It's not like I want to die but I do think about it and what would happen if I died...and did I do enough to set my kids up to be okay without me? What do I want my legacy to be for my children?

I have all kind of questions I think about and try to find answers to some of them. I just think if I'm doing enough in regards to my family. The answer is no, and maybe the answer will always be a no, I'm not doing enough.

I have so much I want to teach my children about life, compassion, love and respect for oneself and respect for others. I want them to grow up to be leaders of good moral standing. I guess most mothers have these similar goals for their children.

So right now, I'm not ready for death. I'm not ready to leave this earth yet. I have so much to learn and so much love to give to my children and I'm sure life would be fine without me. I'm just selfish if I died today someone else would fill my role as mother to my children. I'm sure my children would adjust to any situation but I want to be mother, I want to be the teacher and I want to comfort my children when their hearts get broken. I want to watch all their milestones of ups and downs, their achievements, and their mistakes. I want to know them throughout their life to watch them be who they are as people.

Then what do I do if I don't want to die today? I give my children all that I can give today and everyday. I show them compassion, teach them about love and just support them and then the rest is up to them. I will never be 100% ready to leave them so setting them up to be strong, loving people who want to give something of themselves to humanity for the better of humankind then I'll at least feel like I did my part as a mother.

I always want my kids to try their best...Just try, I tell them. You can't do anything if you don't at least, try!! If you can't do it on the first try then do it again, and again until you get it. Life is frustrating but I want my children to know if they wait for someone else to give them happiness they will be waiting along time. Happiness comes from within not by material things. Material things are nice but they are not everything. You are not defined by what you have (material wealth) but what you give from your own heart.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not ready to die today or die tomorrow. I want to be selfish and be a spectator in my children's life journey to see them as they are today and what they will become tomorrow. I want to be apart of that. I want to be their mother, be there cheerleader, their shoulder to cry on and most of all I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.

Someday I will die but at least, I will know I did my best when I do. Take care, Peace!!

Happy March!!

So it's March, and this month I have lots of wonderful things happening. My daughter turns 6 at the end of this month. I'm doing to make an effort to enjoy my life. Things that I've been dealing with I'm just doing to just deal with, make choices I know is right for me and move on. I've been making my decisions really hard but really, they are not that hard to make. I do agree with something I just make it right and then move on. There, I made a decision.

Making life easy is a frame of mind so it's going to be a good month because I'm going to chose to make this month go smoothly by doing what's right for me plus I'm going to see Chris Tomlin in Concert on April 14th. It can't get better than that!!

Tomorrow I'm getting two Christian CD's I ordered last week and I'm excited about those. I know this world is in chaos and I know it sucks but I'm not going to let it get to my heart. I'll do what I need to do to do whatever I can, donate where I think my time and money should go and just keep my spirits up so I don't get pulled into a depression just because I care too much.

I'm learning so much and it's great. Never lower yourself to please someone else because you just suffer in the end. Take care, Peace!!!

Patience!!

So a few weeks ago I hit a brick wall and everything I was going through the last several months came crashing down on my head. I just couldn't handle the way my life was going. I felt I was going down a path on my journey that I didn't feel was my path.

I waited and I listened to my heart and the other day my husband made a suggestion to one of my spiritual problems He made a suggestion to me that I think will work in dealing with our new church. We can serve and at the same time get our spiritual needs met by going to a different church on a different day to fill the need within me. I kinda like the idea. So this is a compromise to a situation I felt conflicted about.

I just needed patience to believe an answer was out there. I needed to understand my answers were not going to come like that day and now I feel better knowing I can serve our church and get the food at the same time. If that means we have to go to another church to do so then that's what my family needs to do for awhile.

I have done a few things around the house to calm my nerves about the chaos within my home. I've given our family room a little face lift and now the weather is getting better I have a plan to de-clutter my home.

It's been great now my energy level has been getting better I can keep up with the daily up keep of the home and it's made me less stressed. The laundry hasn't been piling up each week and it only takes me an hour just to tidy the house up which a few years ago it would take me all week to do.  Of course, I'm not 100% there but if I keep moving forward my home will be the way I want it in a few months. That's nice!! That's peaceful so I can concentrate on important things in life like the world around me. Take care, Peace!!

Don't be wasteful!!

I've been teaching my almost 4 year old about wasting food. He's been doing that lately asking for something to eat and then changing his mind or he asks for something then he only eats one bite out of it. It drives me up the wall. I didn't have a problem with this with my daughter and I was ready to starve my child for a few days so he understood about the importance of food.

My family has the luxury of having food on our table and are able to buy more.  It's not like we're the rest of the world because we can eat whenever we want. It's not like I want to guilt my kids with food but I also want them to understand we are the lucky ones who has food and we should appreciate what we have then just take food for granted like it will always be there.

So instead of starving my child to make my point of not wasting food and not using the line of "Kids in Africa don't have food" like my Parents used to use on me, I decided to go a different approach. You ask for something and you don't get anything else to eat until you finish the food you already have or at least make an honest effort.  It's like teaching him responsibility in the process.

I'm not the one to make the kids eat everything on their plates because that contributes to over eating but at least make an honest effort other than taking one bite of something and changing your mind.  My son has gotten in the habit of asking for something, taking a few bites, saying he's full but then 5 minutes later saying he wants something to eat because he's hungry. It's so wasteful and I really don't want to raise my children like that. Right now, we are blessed to just go out and buy food but we don't know what tomorrow will bring. We really don't know the future. Take care, Peace!!

Be who you are!!

The last several months something was really bothering me but I couldn't put my finger on it. It was heavy on my heart but I couldn't figure it out. I thought it was all due to my winter blues and I passed it off but each week would go by I knew something was not quite right until last weekend when it all came to a head and everything poured out.

I know who I am and I live my life in a way that's best for me but it's not always shown to the world in a way that I tend to express myself so new people think I'm this other person but I'm not what they think of me. So when my husband jumped head first into our new church back in October he was excited and the launch team got to know him, got to hear his faith and got to understand him but I felt like they didn't know me and I was pushed along on his coat tails on his faith, on his likeness and the whole time I felt I was living like someone I wasn't. I know who I am and where I stand but I felt like they saw me through him. That's how I felt even if my assumption was correct or not. I felt used like all I was too this new launch team was another head to take care of the children of the church when I felt I needed to be in the Church growing my faith then to serve it.

I think these last few months have been going to fast for me and it had caught up to me. I'm just not ready right now. I need people to see me not what they think of me through what my husband has done. Our faiths are totally different, we need different things but the end goal is the same. My approach to life is way different then my husbands because the way we were brought up in life.  So when we got more involved with the church I was feeling pushed into something I wasn't ready to do but felt obliged into serving the church because of my kids and the excitement of my husband.

I was feeling fake like this wasn't me and I wanted to be excited and I wanted to trust what was happening but the more I just let it go on its own path the more it bothered me, the more I saw things weren't right for me. This wasn't my journey. The talk I had with my husband this past weekend we realized what we need to do as a family in our own home but we haven't figured out what to do about the church. It's not like I want to just up and leave the church because I think I still need the church. I'm just going to be true to myself and be who I'm supposed to be then an image of what people think I am.

I feel better in knowing I was true to myself in knowing what was bothering me. I stood up for me. I enjoy my journey but sometimes you go down a path that was never meant for you. It's high time I get back on my own.  Life's too short to not be yourself. Take care, Peace!!

What's right!!

So this past weekend, my world just got flipped upside down. Things that have been brewing for the last several months just blew up and came out. I learned the love my husband has for me and his love to protect his wife became clear to me. He's my stable rock and I should lean on him more because he's one of the few who truly understands who I am and why I do things differently because of the way I had to survive and keep my journey going forward.

I'm not the person to just have a full on meltdown. I tend to keep it within myself because I don't have a lot of people I trust to put myself out there for judgement and in doing so I kept a lot of burden on my shoulders.

I do what's best for me, I know how much I can handle and I know when I need to step up but this past weekend I kinda lost it. Do I feel good I did it?  Yes and no. I'm glad my husband and I got to talk and to chat about what we should do as a family but I don't feel good it had come in the way that it did. I feel like I let myself down in a way I promised I would tell my husband everything. He supports me and wants the best for me and he proved it this past weekend. We don't know all the answers but we'll be working together on finding a solution so our family stays where it should be.

He doesn't want me to suffer and in telling him about my feelings the past few months of things going on outside of our family has strengthened our bond.  We are a family first and that's what matters first. The answers are out there and now I just need to listen. Take care, Peace!!

Oh my!!

Sometimes I want to be somebody else.



I would like to know my "It's a Wonderful Life"

Follow your Heart!!

So last night I got out of my comfort zone and wrote an email to my Pastor. It was a difficult task and there were a few moments where I just wanted to delete the email but I've been feeling unrested for awhile. I had the nagging feeling for awhile so last night I just went for it and my heart felt it was going to jump out of my chest when I pushed the send button but I did it. Now if I make it to Church on Sunday I think I'm moving forward and if I chicken out I will have taken a step backwards. I normally don't like going beyond my comfort zone. I feel safe with this blog so that doesn't count.

I'm kinda proud of myself really. I felt like I was being misunderstood and my husband is the more outgoing type and he just went head first into the launch of the new Church while I was just going on the ride of his excitement. I support my husband and he's helping the production team and is very busy serving the Church and I'm just the babysitter. So I had to say how I felt. I'm not my husband who is outgoing and can meet people and feel comfortable in his surroundings. I'm the shy, quiet person who has a hard time just going up to someone and having a conversation with them. I would rather blend in the crowd then be in the spotlight. I may be my husbands wife but our stories are totally different and I just felt like I was being compared has a married couple but not the individual.

I've been feeling left behind like I didn't need the service but be doing the serving. My relationship with God is new and I'm learning. I still have along ways to go and I don't feel like being pushed to fast into a world I'm not totally comfortable being in just yet. I got a lot of burden within my heart.

So I took the leap and sent that very hard emotional email and time will tell if it was worth it. Now I just need the courage to get my butt into Church Sunday. Take care, Peace!!

Just the Babysitter!!

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind with ups and downs. It's been a learning process and when I thought I was getting through my shyness of meeting new people I thought I met some new friends I could get to know from meeting at church but now I feel like I'm the new kid in school not knowing my place on the Totem pole.

It just turns out I'm just a good babysitter and a person that can help take care of the church kids. Nothing more, nothing less. It sucks especially when I over hear conversations of girls night out and I'm not invited. I guess I'm not the cool person who could also use a break from motherhood and could use some girl time too. It just sucks!!

That's life and I should just remember who my real friends are not a group of women from church who only see me as one head who can help in the Nursery taking care of their children. So I'll be the quiet shy person at church with a smile on my face pretending to care. I know that's not nice to say but being me sucks at times when I feel used for just being a nice person who agreed to take care of there children so I could get to know them better. I was wrong. Who needs new friends?

I love to sing but suck at it now!!

There once was a time where I could sing. I wasn't Whitney Houston but I could hold a tune. I was even in a Musical at age 23 years. It was a great moment to say I was in a Musical and something I can write off my bucket list of things to do before I die. I joined the choir my mother was involved in because I needed to do something to get over my shyness. Yes, I was extremely shy!! What better way to get over being shy then to sing in front of people. I had a great time which lead me into being asked to be involved with a Musical with our local theater. It was a great experience. After that I just sang for me. I enjoy singing and I would do it ofter but after I got really sick with my son's pregnancy 4 years ago I stopped singing as often. The anemia and other medical problems have gotten in the way but now I'm having a hard time singing. I'm so bummed. Maybe someday I will sing for my own enjoyment again but until then I will sing within my head. Take care, Peace!!

Tears within my Heart!!

Life has up and downs and ever since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter my life has been an uphill battle of the life I want to live and the life I'm trying to leave behind. I have so much burden within my heart and each step I take and each step forward it seems like life is my gift to my children. I need to just let life challenges that lead the path to where I am today where it should be...in the past. I just have to keep being strong and I need to keep pushing forward. I need to feel like those tears within my heart are my battle wounds of where I've been to where I'm going. It's one of those days where I feel like I'm at a crossroads of good and evil. It's the fiction to my true reality.

I don't write these thing to have people feel sorry for me. I never want pity but more for people to understand this is life. We all have felt unworthy and unloved at one point in our lives. I understand your pain, and I understand your happiness. I just want people to feel it's okay, we're all crazy with emotion and that's okay. I know I have a hard time asking for help. I also feel better when I just write what's in my head and just let it all out.

This journal is like my own personal therapy session. So the few people who come here know I'm being real. I write what's in my heart at the time I'm writing. No holding back especially when I'm hurting. If I'm not real then what's the point? What's the point of writing out my thoughts if I'm going to be fake about it?

Right now I'm struggling to figure out how to live in a world of destruction to being worldly without it affecting my well being, my heart, and the dreams for my life. It's hard when you read stories of Police Officers being shot, or some mad man killing innocent people, or the fighting between Political Parties and in the Mainstream Media. The hate in this world is daunting and it goggles my mind. So I move forward and I'm learning to separate my world yet at the same time being informed because sheltering yourself from all that will only hurt you in the end. Always know what the other hand is doing then the one that's in front of you. One of these days I'll figure it out but until then the tears are still within my heart.

You are loved and you are worthy. Take care, Peace!!

Jesus Culture!!

Somedays I just need to believe!!

Is this the end of the road?

I've been thinking about ending this blog. I have no inspiration to chat, bitch or write about anything. I had great idea's of things I wanted to talk about but then I would get mad. I've been getting mad a lot lately and it's so hard to keep my mouth shut because I have a lot to say but actually writing my thoughts in a respectful matter without writing this person is a dumbass is quiet hard so I haven't been writing because I'm trying to be a respectful person and frankly it's hard. I want to slap so many people upside the head it's not funny.

I keep saying I woke up and the world has gone mad. How am I going to raise my kids where my being is being challenged and to raise them in a world where life doesn't make sense? It's going to be work and at ever turn the more they get older I will have to challenge the crazy society we live in and whatever it will throw at them. I'm always thinking of my kids. It's always about my kids.

It's not that I want my kids to live without hardship because I think that's part of life but I want them to understand with a moral foundation of love and acceptance with out hurting their integrity.

Maybe I should change my thought process when I read the news or when I read an article a friend has posted on Facebook because lately I just shake my head and profanities just come out in my head. It's quite sad really our humanity has gone this far with little care and understanding of each others uniqueness. If only people would just stop and see the diversity as a blessing rather than a hindrance.

Why is it when you have an opinion someone doesn't like it neither turns into you're a racist, a hate monger, you're misinformed etc etc? When you resort to ignorance to make a point you have already lost your argument.

I just know I'm not going to be quiet and I'm going to stand up for what's right which means I'll stand with my friends and stand up for people I don't agree with because love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So as much as I want to slap so many people upside the head I know that's not the answer so I'll just shower them with hugs and kisses and tell them they are loved. We are worthly and so is my blog so I will stick around a little longer. Take care, Peace!!

Reality!!

The joys and crappy part of motherhood. Oh my, in between screaming to my kids to stop screaming I'm cleaning up all the crumbs and spilled drinks after lunch I look around and my first thought is to run out of the house pulling at my hair of extreme proportions of what was I thinking of wanting to be a mother but then the calms comes and the house is quiet for a few minutes and I'm reminded of the joy it brings to my heart WHEN the kids are getting along and out of the blue I get I love you mommy.

On the days where I'm being referee between my kids neither one trying to poke the other one in the eye I have to remember they truly love each other. Okay, I can only dream my kids love each other. Sometimes the chaos can't be normal. Our dysfunction can't be normal and I'm just this crazy mother just getting through the day in one piece and hoping my kids won't end up writing a book about me when they get older of how I ruined their lives.

I still after almost 6 years of being a mother my house is still dirty and messy. I have been told I should just let it go because that's the way it is with children. You will never sleep again, you will get worry wrinkles and your house will never be clean again but it's all worth it. So it's worth it and sometimes I wonder if these other mothers are only kidding themselves because being glued to your table by sticky fingers isn't my idea of worth it or being puked on, or laying in an uncomfortable position when your child is sick is really worth it to be a mother. It's all the great life challenges that are worth it that brings joy to my child's face is worth it.

Standing out in the cold waiting for the school bus isn't worth the joy in motherhood but it's a joy when the bus comes and your child bounces off the bus running into your arms because they miss you is worth being a mother. Those are memories that keep me from running out the door because as much as my kids can be difficult, never listen to me or annoying the crap out of me they are still apart of me and their cuteness always reminds me of why I wanted to be a mother. Take care, Peace!!

Too Busy

I have been so busy I haven't had time to express my thoughts. Life is running away from me I just need time to just relax and relaxation I have been doing by going to bed right after my kids. I so need the rest. My weekends are non stop moving from morning to night and the weekdays have been a little bit busier with church obligations. It's so nice really because I don't have time to get stuck in my head with my negative thoughts of self sabotage of my blessed life.

I just want a simple life really. Simple yet fulfilling and happiness of my own making. Which reminds me sometime this week I have to talk about Change of Plans with Joe Flanigan. Oh my, I was giddy!! Take care, Peace!!

My goals for 2011

So this is a new year and I thought about what I want this year to be about which is...love and knowledge. That's about it. Nothing special, nothing dramatic just what it is. I read a lot last year and I want to read even more this year. I can't get enough reading my books. I also want less pity parties and more giving of one self, feeling god's love and expressing love I can give. I want my journey to be inspirational and enjoy my growing as a person.

If I fail, I will pick myself back up and keep trying. Happy Thanksgiving!!