Why?

The most important aspect of why I became an advocate for DMST is because of Fear. Thought out this process of educating myself on the harsh realities on this billion dollar industry, I realized most of my life my reaction to situations were based on some form of fear I had which included the Fear of Failing, Fear of Judgment,  and the Fear of Rejection. All three of these I can give you great examples of why I developed them. I realized if I was going to advocate I needed to be open about my childhood, my years of abuse and my trauma’s to give the community an understanding we have a massive problem in our society when everyday people are looking away from an industry that is abusing our young children for profit. 

I understand the pain these children must be going through and thinking no one cares for them. They are trapped in a pit of hell. Sometimes we do things in our own survival that doesn’t necessarily mean society will accept it. The reason I said this because I know all too well of things I have done in my past to survival from one day to the next. Yes, I understand Abortion is a hot topic but for me it was done because I made a decision to fight for my life and I understand there are some people who see it differently and that’s okay to me.  

Abortion is the least of these problems in DMST. There are more horrifying stories these children have gone through or situations they have done to just get by day to day. I have lived an interesting life and dealt with some pretty harsh realities but it’s nothing that these children are facing day to day and my fear of judgment is nothing compared to the hell they are living and that’s why it’s important for me to give and show we really do need to find the strength within us to face the fasts these children are out there right now in the pits of hell doing unspeakable things to survive. It’s not about me or you but about them. It should always be for them.

Take care, Peace!!

Things I'm working on!

So I've been building a presentation on Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking to give an awareness to the community of how we as the Community can help bring these girls and boys home. How we can help restore their lives and to healing them from the struggles they will have. So far I have a basic outline but here is part of my personal touch on it...coming from my own words..........

Me-Darlene Williams ( To answer why?)

Between the ages of 15-23 years I was in a physical and emotional abusive relationship.

The question always comes up of why these girls just don’t run away, or leave their unfortunate situations? I can say from my own experience similar to these prostituted children is abusers have you where they want you.

For me, I got to a point where my identity was so messed up I didn't know who I was anymore. I was confused and I didn't know who really to trust because I had nowhere else to go.  My parents were alcoholics and verbally abusive and my abuser knew that. He had me captive within another cycle of abuse and out of fear of being abandoned I stayed and I believed his threats of rejection if I tried to end the relationship.

I accepted the mistreatment and I was also showered with gifts and it came with affection of love and I called this our grace period or honeymoon faze and it came after he felt remorse for using physical violence and after every beating or tear down he bought me beautiful gifts. I got beautiful jewelry and clothing and things I wanted. He would buy me flowers and take me places. I was his princess and he was my forever. I wasn't supposed to quit on someone you love. My mother didn't leave my father the moment she learned he was abusing his children so why should I leave because my boyfriend got angry at me?

 He was my first love, he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I had plans for the future but then my fantasy would break the moment he laid his hands on me.  He promised me the world and I allowed him to treat me that way. I can’t remember how many times I did leave him and try to have a fresh start but out of fear and him promising me the world I would go back because I didn't know who I was without him. He was such a big part of my world I didn't know how to be alone.

When I finally had the courage to leave I had nothing left to give and with all the infidelity on both our parts the relationship just died. He killed everything within me to fight him and the only way of survival I needed a fresh start in life on my own terms. So I mustered up all the strength I had and I walked away knowing if I failed in life it was because of me and not someone saying I failed.

Characteristics of an Abuser!

I would like to give you the characteristics of my abuser. He was 4 years older than me and he was charming. He said the right things and he romanced me in the beginning buying me things and wanting to spend all his time with me. He was nice to my friends and he would buy us alcohol because we were underage and he wasn't  He was my ticket to freedom and he promised me he would take care of me and protect me from my parents. I fell more in love with him when he would stand up for me when my parents abused me.

After a month of dating he wanted to take it to the next level. He wanted to show me how much he truly loved me. So I agreed to give my virginity to him and after that our relationship changed. He wasn't so nice any longer. He would cause fights between me and my friends. When I didn't agree with his controlling behavior he would threaten me by saying he would tell everyone we had sex and I would be the school slut and he would ruin me.

He would become down right verbally abusive and at times pressuring me into having sex with him. Sometimes I look back and ask myself: Was it rape if I was a willing participant even though I didn't want to have sex? I became a 16 year old girl trapped in my own life of hell.

Opening Statement! First Draft

Sometimes we do things in our own survival that doesn't necessarily mean society will accept it. 14 years ago in the summer of 1998 I was raped and due to the rape I got pregnant and with a lot of thought chose to have an abortion. It was my last stand of everlasting abuse in my own life and I was going to stop this generational cycle of abuse within my own family. It would end with me.

I would in whatever power I could muster up to fight my past and at times, I lost the fight. I was broken and I was chasing a dream I so desperately wanted and it was to feel like I belonged, to feel accepted and to know why my life went down the way it did.   I tried hard and after years of self-destruction from an eating disorder, an image disorder, anxiety and OCD I worked through my problems with years of therapy, having children and learning to forgive myself of all the shame within my own life and I needed to learn to forgive myself for all the wrong within my life.  

18 months ago I gave my life over to God in a prayer room in St. Vincent Medical Center because I was dying from compilations I had from catching pneumonia and also having lung surgery and if it was my time to go I was with peace with death.

Of course, I’m still here and since then Jesus has been healing my heart and here I am today talking with you because Jesus knew I could educate our community through the experiences I have lived and he knew my fear of repercussion for sharing my part of my life but today isn't about me but to educate you on how we can become Community Advocates for the Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking Industry.

I understand why I went through some tough times cause I wouldn't be able to do what I'm about to do!! Take care, Peace....remember we all can make a difference!!

End the Demand!

As I sit here a child is being sold into Slavery. I have come a long way in a short few months and most of it too me wasn't good but in the middle of the chaos I call my life I’m being drawn into becoming an advocate for Trafficked Children.

I have asked myself many of times why me? And how can I make a difference to a Billion Dollar industry? What makes me so special I can make a dent into something like Human Trafficking?  The moment I was self-aware of something so horrifying like child prostitution I asked myself Why Not? These are American Children who are sold into Slavery by a demand in our Culture.  Men/Women are buying our children for their personal sexual pleasures.

This is happening in our Cities, Small Town and yet, it’s a problem that we’re afraid to talk about.  I know I can’t sit back and do nothing.  As long as there is a demand, more children will be hurt and killed in this industry.

I would have to say I was part of the problem. I have watched porn movies, and I have been to a strip club and at the time I didn't see anything wrong with it. Too me I thought for sure these women wanted to be there. Yes, I said Women because I just assumed they consented to being there and they were indeed over the age of 18 years of age.  I thought for sure watching porn these women wanted to make sex videos.   It didn't cross my mind some of these Women were actually little girls sold into Slavery.  I contributed to this horrifying industry and I know that this industry is huge and the idea of it scares me now. I’m kind of sick that at one time I thought it was no big deal and I wasn't hurting anybody. If I knew better I wouldn't have done it. I would have been on the streets advocating for these children.

That’s why I’m here, I’m here to say I will not be the problem but I’ll be a voice for those in sexual  slavery who don’t have a voice.  Yes, I can make a difference in educating other people like me who care but don’t know they are contributing to the problem in our society.

If nothing else, I want to give awareness and educate to help end the demand. So please just say no! God Bless You!!

Our Children are not for Sale!!

The tough decisions!

Today I made a phone call to better my life. I called for Therapy and I feel like I'm defeated and one must protect one's own life and I asked for help. This last weekend was a wake up call for me and I scared my family and frankly, I scared myself.

My self harm to get some sleep made my husband to call 911 because I took too much drugs so I could get a good nights sleep but I over did it and woke up in the Emergency Room hooked up to an IV. It scared me.

Therapy in the past has helped and I know this time it will be better. I never want to put my family in a situation like I had this past weekend. I don't want to self harm myself again. I need to talk to someone who can help me deal with all the crap within my head.

This past weekend was a cry for help and I'm glad I'm strong enough to ask for it. Take Care, Peace!

We can make Change!

When you think of a "Scout" what comes to mind? Do you think of a person recruiting high school athletes for college sports? There is another "Scout", watching our children if they are the right commodity for sex trafficking. They are out there preying on our children right as I write this. They are everywhere, not just in bad parts of town. As a community, we can make a difference in a child's life to advocate for them and make our communities safer. If we choke the demand, less of our children will be exploited.

 The average age of a child sex trafficker is 13 years of age. Children as young as 8 years of age have been recruited into this industry. Please become a voice to share awareness. 

Please educate! 

This is for my Dad!

Dear Dad,

This letter has been along time coming and for the last couple of months it's been a focus on my heart to reach out and say something. I know when I walked out of your life the summer of 2001 I knew my life would be different. I chose to end a relationship with my father and it hurt me deeply because I lost you as my Dad. I walked away for a life I knew I deserved but didn't know if I was truly worthy of it.

I had to save myself from the hurt, the pain and the feeling that I was chancing a dream that I would never get from you. It needed to end, the abuse and the struggle by the lack of emotional emptiness I was getting from you. All I ever wanted was to be loved by you like one's father loves his daughter. For that reason, I had to say goodbye.

When I left your life I was emotionally broken and I had to learn to live without you.  I had to look at my life differently and when people asked about you it was difficult to explain I have a Father but he's not in my life anymore.

This morning my prayer was answered and I was given words to express my longing to communicate with you. By words of faith that Jesus lives in me and through his grace I'm forgiving you and love you just how Jesus loves me and has forgiving me of my sins.  1John 4:10-12 This is Love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

The love of God changes people and he is changing me and I know that I'm a princess/daughter of the Highest King like you are a prince/son of the same Highest King. Hebrews 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter, of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I found my life in Jesus and I embraced his open arms and through his transformation of my heart I know I'm worthy.  I also know through Jesus I Am God-Designed, Purpose-Intended, Significant, Lavishly-Loved, Princess/Daughter of the King of the Universe.

This is for God's glory and I'm praising him for giving me the strength to be set free from the chains I put within my heart that bound me up by the notion of rejection by you.  I truly love you and you may not be in my life any longer but I hope you have a great life and you find peace within you.

Much Love,

Darlene

It's just how it is!!

No matter how hard I try to live a healthy lifestyle I have to realize I have underlining medical issues ever so often I land my sick butt in the Emergency Room. Yesterday was one of those days and my arms from my pneumonia last year had wrecked havoc to my veins in my arms so it's hard for the RN's to find any good veins to hook me up to an IV. Let's just say I tried not to tell the RN off but I was good and just smiled even though I was screaming inside.

Yesterday's trip wasn't too serious but it was enough I needed some tweaking to get me back up on my feet. After a few hours and some orange juice later I was sent on my merry way with good health and some drugs. The good part of the trip was my anemia is back to before pneumonia and almost anemic free. I say high five because I've been working on getting my red blood cells back up to where I can function during the day for over a year and it was hard work.

This time around my body rejected medications and turned my body inside out and I was back onto a vomit schedule I couldn't control. Lets just say my body freaks out on me when it doesn't agree to what I'm giving it. I find it's cool my body doesn't like prescription drugs but it's not cool when it goes so out of whack I'm going to the Emergency Room.

I've been balancing my diabeties, anemia, and Orthostatic hypotension by vitamins and diet. It's been helping me get back to where life is doing good. I just have to figure out how to keep myself out of the emergency room but that's a balancing act I'm going to have to figure out in time. Cheers to good looking male RN's...Take care, Peace!!!

Going back to Basics!

I think I'm going to take a mental break for a while. I need a Jesus Break and in saying that I'm going to immerse myself in Music. Music is my life and when life feels like pressure I forget how it feels just to listen to the world through Music.

So I'm gonna make a playlist of all my favorite Christian Music and keep playing it on repeat until I feel a little whole again.

This is our God-Hillsong

Forever Reign-Hillsong

Glory of it all-David Crowder Band

10,000 Reasons(Bless the Lord)-Matt Redman

Lord of Lords-Hillsong

How great is our God-Chris Tomlin

Blessings-Laura Story

Your love never Fails-Jesus Culture

Surrender-Lincoln Brewster

Those are some of the songs I can think of while I sit here. I'm sure there are many more songs that would make an awesome song list. I need to be spiritually fed right now and you can't do wrong with some of the great Christian Singers out right now.

I don't know why I stop listening to music when life feels like crushing my soul. Actually I do know but I would rather not write how I feel about evil within the world. I don't want to shine light on something that's not worth the words that I write.

I need to express the love of our father and through music I can worship him for loving me.  At times, I confuse where the focus should be on. Jesus died because he loved us all. It's true when you accept Jesus into your heart you will never be the same because I felt it and now accepting what that truly means it's hard wrapping you mind behind how you can truly be loved so greater than God loves you, it's like wow and at the same time hard to understand how deep that truly goes.

People may think I have lost my mind and knowing Jesus is alive within me and when comfort is needed, it's so nice to feel like he came to rescue me here on Earth so I could live. That's the most comfort I have gotten in along time. It's a nice feeling when times are hard knowing you are loved for who you are when the world is making it impossible to love one another. That is awesome.

I searched and I found. Take care, Peace!

Searching for New Meaning!!

Finding a sense of peace within this world is harder than I thought. I've been wanting a new sense of peace within my life for a very long time and when I was a kid I just wanted to be loved. I don't know about you but I've always wanted to belong. I wanted to feel like I was accepted somewhere and not felt like I was the odd person out in left field all by myself alone and feeling rejected.

So I went searching and I found Jesus. Feeling like I've been bi-polar for the last year and a half has been a rough ride for me. Living within my brokenness and understanding who I am and accepting I can be forgiven, understand I am loved has been difficult to accept in a way I can't truly understand.

It's been a journey of self discovery. The saying God's not going to give you trials and tribulations you can't handle to me is cruel and unnecessary punishment. I would have to say I've had my share of trials in my life and I would have to say I couldn't handle any of them. I managed to survive and I've been knocked down many of times to where I could barely pick myself up off the ground to where I just want to give up because I hurt so bad. So if God is doing this to make me grow as a person because he has a plan for me then that's not love. I don't think bringing me to the brink of struggle to see where I crack is not love. That's the Devil's work.

God does have a plan for me and I have purpose but it's not bringing me down a peg, he's teaching me strength from the destruction in the world that I can love people within the chaos. I'm learning where I stand and who I am in the body of Christ and it's been a hard and difficult struggle so far. The strength within my being to keep me going forward and carrying me through has been a challenge. It's like seeing the greatest prize and to get to it you have to climb the tallest mountain in the bitter cold with no protective gear and hope you don't die before you get there.

I just need to find the confidence to stand up within my brokenness and not allow the darkness of the world to swallow me up. It's not easy but remembering the reason why God sent Jesus into the world gives me a better understanding that Life is so much bigger than me.  Take care, Peace!!

Her walk with Jesus!!

Baptism Service

Date:Sunday, July 29, 2012 

Time:12:15 PM

Place: Phoenix Inn Suites

Today my 7 year old daughter choose to be Baptized and in front of about 20 people including her Grandparents she was Baptized in Christ.

Ryan hugging his daughter after she was Baptized.

This is my daughters favorite worship song on this Kids Praise CD is Blessed Be Your Name. I've found a version on YouTube for you. Today was a special day and we're so proud of our daughter for choosing this path in her own life.

This is my Home!!

Chester, Nova Scotia Canada

My love of swimming began here and I miss this place. Next year I will be going back for my 20th year High School Reunion....don't judge I'm not that old :)

Another View of the water....I will be home soon!!!

When Life Wins!

Thank God for the people in my life who love me for me. I get up in the morning feeling less than I should and when the world points fingers at me saying I'm not good enough I can lean on the one who loves me the most in this world and it's my husband. He can frustrate the hell out of me but I know at the end of the day he loves me.

I know I have frustrated the hell out of him too many times over and I know that he's there for me like Jesus is there for me.

I know things happen for a reason, I know life disappointments are lessons to be learned but it still sucks at times and just because something doesn't work in my favor doesn't mean I'm going to be happy about it.

So I've been in a funk for along time and over time I thought I might be bi-polar because another thing that's been drilled into my head since I was little is I have mental health issues that run in my biological families history with alcoholism and drug addiction. Most of my life I felt like my parents were looking at me through a mirrored glass waiting for me to fuck up so they could say I told you so.

Little did they know I had a problem with alcohol and drugs so maybe they were right on that end of things but maybe I was so screwed up by their parenting I ran to the very thing they told me I shouldn't do because I just needed to self destruct so I could forget the very thing I was running from.

Sure I have addiction tendencies and I've come to realize their are things I should just stay away from but that's totally different than saying when you grow up your going to become an alcoholic and a druggie.

I want to live clean and I want a simple life. My husband keeps telling me to let things go but when I think I can finally let go something gets shoved back into my life and it's hard again. Sometimes past pain just sits there and the brokenness lingers and I think I'm working to move forward but when life gets in the way I realized I'm just that little broken child just wanting someone to truly see me for me.

This year I made an effort to open up more about myself and my past. I thought if I talked about it I could be more open about my life but then I got shot down and it rocked my world not in a good way. I don't know if I could be so open about myself like that again. I'm not the opening type who tells the world about my pain. I'm not that kind of person to just talk more about myself. I know I do just that on this blog but I'm not seeing any one of you on a regular basis.

I stepped out of my comfort zone because that's what I thought I was supposed to do and now it's not right. I'm on the wrong page of my life and I need to take a step back to go back to being myself again.

I am the shy, awkward and sarcastic girl who loves life, who cares way too much for people and loves to giggle. That's me and I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not just to fit in any longer. I'm tired of all the bullshit, the stresses of being thin, the idea I'm supposed to be a "label" Societies Pressure people to be in.

I want to be a great wife to my husband because I love him and I do things for him because I want too not because I'm supposed too. I want to be a great mother because I love my kids and I stay home with them because my Husband and I made a decision we felt benefited our family. I don't stay home with them because it's expected of me because I wanted to be a stay at home mother. I choose my life because it's what makes me feel fulfilled. It's what makes me happy to be a wife and mother. Nothing makes me more happy then loving my family.

My life struggles when I feel pressured into being someone I'm not. My life feels like it's falling apart when I step out of my comfort zone and show apart of my being that is broken. I know I'm broken and I know what I need to do. God loves me for me and I know someday I will look back on my life and see the purpose of it all. I may not feel worthy of this life but it's my life with dysfunction and all. Take care, Peace!!!

It's only a matter of time!

My life is like waves crashing against the rock on the shore. Sometimes it's beautiful and peaceful and you can sit and watch the waves coming to shore and it's nice. Then other times it violent and angry waves crashing against the shore and it's scary like the waves are going to grab you up and drag you off to sea.

My thoughts keep changing and I'm changing. My role as wife and mother keeps changing and sometimes it's great and I feel at peace and other times I'm just standing at the edge scared I'm going to fall off.

I promised myself I was going to have a great summer. I promised this year was going to be different because last year I was dealing with Vicodin addiction. So far my summer is what it is and I'm working on just letting things go because I'm learning about myself. I tend to keep things tight and what's harmful for me I tend to repeat when myself unravels. My life is unraveling and I'm at a place where I have two paths to take. One where I know is the hardest way but it's good and the other path which is the easy path but in the end is destructive.

I want to latch on to what is good and I want to hold on but the feeling of abandonment and rejection is hard for me. It's deep within my heart and having to work through that is hard. I would rather drink myself crazy. I would rather numb myself with drugs. I want to feel the underlining of a warm rush though my body then dealing with the emotional trauma within my head so I can have peace and move on. Life would have been so easy if I grew up in a loving and happy home.

Today the hard path wins but it's a matter of time when I can't hold on any longer and the violent waves drags me out to sea and frankly, I think I'm okay with that. Take Care, Peace!!

Summer Vacation!!

School is out tomorrow and because life was kicking me in the butt I've decided I'm going to enjoy the summer before School begins in the fall. I'm going to make an honest effort to be present in my kids lives and we, as a family going to go out and enjoy what life has to offer. This is going to be a new beginning in my life......too new beginnings!!  Take care, Peace!!!

Falling!

Sometime it comes in waves and sometimes it comes over like a tidal wave that over powers my heart. Anything can set me off, a movie, a song, something and anything. The complete sadness of pain it hurts sometimes to breath. I feel like I'm drowning within this sadness of pain. I have no strength to fight any more. I'm just here living day after day walking with this pain and who do I trust to ask to walk with me?

I realized my husband doesn't trust me and thinks I'm a junkie. I think I love him less for it. 

I would love to feel like I'm enough for him. I would like to feel loved, feel like I'm special and to be romanced once in a while. That's what I want, that's what I would love to feel from the father of my children. Life's not good right now and life is slipping though my fingers and sometimes I feel like I want to give up.

Story never ends. Take care, Peace!!

My Rock which keeps me here!

Avery is my beautiful 7 year old. She loves Unicorns, Books and Jewelry. She enjoys Gymnastics and Dancing. She is wicked at playing video games and most things she tries comes easy to her. She's the Sunshine of my life. Her little Brother is Jeremy and he's 5 years old. He has a sweet nature and looks up to his big sister. He loves Elmo, Helicopters and just likes to observe situations. He's my little buddy and I'll miss him once he starts school in the fall. They are what gets me up in the morning and they are so worth it!! Take care, Peace!!

Come, I'll show you!!

I have deep rooted emotions I've been trying to figure out the past few months. I've been getting "Forgiveness" flashing in my face so I'm working on forgiveness in all aspects of my life and frankly, I suck at forgiving. Things I thought I have forgiven I realized I have not. I've been walking this interesting journey these past few weeks and as much as I've been fighting change on my emotional journey I've been learning more about my life. It's interesting when you just sit and listen. I've been listening and learning more of the ways through my heart it has brought me tears of joy and the layers of brokenness that has collected there full of pain I just pushed aside because I couldn't face rejection within my life. It shouldn't amaze me when the grace of God has touched my life like a silence of light just shining down onto my soul showing me but it does because I'm still fighting the thought that is "Why me?"

Sure, I can give countless accounts of why I'm not worthy of grace, mercy and forgiveness. I realized I have deep rooted trauma within my heart that traps me in fear, anxiety and pain. I know I can't fully move forward until I brake down those trauma's I have stored within my heart, those trauma's I have built because as a child I didn't know how to deal with them emotionally. They are rooted in there so deep and boobie trapped it's crazy how I manage to live.

Lately, I've been angry. My heart is so full of rage right now and it kind of scares me. I have Zero patience for my family. I love my family so much and at the same time I can't stand to be around them. They are driving me crazy with the kids fighting non stop with each other and my husband would rather fix other things then being present with his own family. I just tune out because I'm tired of him coming home grab his computer and play his video games all the time and the only time he helps out around our home is when I've lost it and stream is coming out of my ears. Why is it that he can do things and volunteer outside the home but can't manage to fix and finish projects around his own home? I'm getting tired of living in this chaos and I do think about leaving. Yes, I have thought of leaving my family like walking away I get so frustrated. I am not happy and I'm ashamed my house is the way it is and it's embarrassing to me. I'm embarrassed of my home and my thoughts about leaving the ones I care about the most. I'm so not worthy.

I keep telling my husband I need a break and then the empty promises that come after. I'm starting to think no one is hearing me. I have nothing else to give and I'm on empty full of brokenness!! Take care, Peace!!

So please, tell me what to believe!!!!!

With my journey in life I always wonder if this is where I need to be. Am I doing enough?, Am I praying enough, Am I giving enough?, Am I using my talents to my best of my ability? 

Sometimes I question what is it that life wants from me because at times I feel like I'm falling short. I get discouraged and feel like I'm just one big failure. At times, I feel like I'm at top of the world until I get knocked down a peg and feel less the ideal.

I'm just one person in this vast Universe and I know I'm just small compared to all that. I would like to know that my life meant something and I made a small difference at least. 

Sometimes I want to scream out loud and I just want to feel something other than "your not good enough". I was thinking the other day my little boy is turning 5 years old this year and then I was thinking how much I lived and dealt with at such a young age. My son lives in a much different life then I did when I was his age. His worries are much different then mine were. I was in Foster Care wondering if my birth mother wanted me and his worries are so not that.

Sometimes I feel like asking "Can anyone hear me?", Maybe I'm not the me listening. I do know that this season is full of crap built up from this past year I'm ready for a vacation and I mean like Disneyland...where if your are feeling like shit you're happy anyway because you're at Disneyland!!!

I was thinking of maybe asking my Doctor for some happy pills for awhile to chemically alter my brain for the fake happiness but then that beats the purpose of accepting life for what it is and my life right now is a season I need to learn from. I just wish I was smart enough to figure it out so I can move on!! Take Care, Peace!!!!

I'm stuck in Life!!!

There are so many days these last few months I just wanted to write my feelings out. I've been in a funk since last Summer and I've been working it out but the moment I'm about to sit down and work out my problems on the computer I just wanted to chuck my laptop across the room because I'm so frustrated with life....It's like this battle within my head and everyone just seems to say something that pisses me off and I get angry and I clam up like a shell because that's what I do. I can't be a rational person and when I get offended by someone I clam up into a ball of nerves and I'm just one manic person who needs drugs to sleep at night because if I don't I won't sleep. I will be up all night stewing about something that shouldn't matter.

I also thought maybe I have some mental problem and should seek help but then I come back to earth and realize if I did take some mental health drug I would be happy but still crazy inside.

When I seek answers I just ask the questions and sometimes I like the answers but most the times I get more confused. Like God for examples, I believe in Jesus and I believe in the one who created all things. I read my bible and I go to church every Sunday and I do bible study and I'm soaking in the Lord I enjoy it and I have had my experiences with Christ I can't explain it right and I know I'm not walking my life alone. People would think I was crazy to think I was touched by Jesus and no I wasn't on Drugs when it happened. Why me? Why am I so special? and I will have to tell you I'm not special at all because I'm messed up just like you are.

The problem I can't get over is I had an abortion when I was 23 years old. I've been stewing about this for months now. The brokenness over it is swallowing me up like a tidal wave crashing against the beach. I made the decision to have an abortion because it was a moment in my life I needed so I could live. I was saving myself and people will call me a murderer. What about it's life? I know all the questions and I have an answer and it may have taken me almost 14 years to express and share to whomever reads this blog. I will share it with you.

I choose life and I'm pro-life. Well how could I say something like that if I had an abortion? I believe in life and I may have ended one life but I chose my life. I believed my life was more valuable and I believe I'm worth saving. I may be dysfunctional and I have my faults but too me, this pregnancy would have killed me. I hope you never have to feel how it is to be violently raped because it took away something inside of me and I became broken that night. Apart of my soul died and for the longest time I tried to forget about it. I needed to believe life was good and I wanted to feel safe in a world who hated me.

When you have walked in my shoes and lived the life I have lived up until I was 23 years old, maybe you would understand the choice I made. Do I regret my decision? No, and I would do it all over again. Life can change in seconds and I can't live in fear any longer and hide behind the mask I have created for myself.

When I hear a Christian talk about how evil abortion is or see pictures posted on Facebook of what a fetus looks like at 12 weeks of gestation it hurts a lot. Look, I understand aborting your child is something you shouldn't take likely but ask all those girls and women if their life is important too. Ask them!! I would tell you the tragedy isn't the abortion itself but the act of getting there. People want to place blame because that's what we humans do have to place blame on people to justify their hatred. Of course, opposing abortion isn't hatred when you're the one opposing it but for me, who has had an abortion I find your opinion and your voice full of hate and not at all loving like Jesus teaches.

I just want to scream on the top of my lungs my life is important too when the topic of abortion is brought up or when someone comments on how bad it is but then I get afraid. I don't feel comfortable with conflict so I don't stick up for myself. I understand killing an innocent life is sad and it shouldn't happen but sometimes you don't make that choice the girl or women in that situation who is going through something big in her life decides that option. We should be supporting her, loving her and telling her we will love her no matter what she decides then to shun her because she choose her life or make her feel guilty because she thought her life was worth saving.

Making me feel guilty I had an abortion isn't helping your cause of ending abortion. Posting pictures of unborn babies on Facebook isn't going to change the fact I had an abortion. Making abortion illegal isn't going to stop abortion. That's the point. Women who are in desperate need will find a way to end their pregnancy if it's illegal or not. Jesus forgave me for my sins and I ask for forgiveness on a regular basis and he already forgive me the moment he died on the cross. I don't understand why some Christians feel I should be condemned for something I have been already forgiven for.

I feel like every moment of my life since I was sitting in that Doctor's office afraid to tell my friends I was there in the first place. I was afraid to say I was raped. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to keep explaining what I did. I just want to move on with my life but I wished I had someone holding my hand telling me I was worth it and everything will be alright and my life was important but I was frightened and scared and I was alone. I was alone with no one to look me in the eyes and tell me everything is alright. Each time when the topic of abortion comes up and that part of my brokenness just proves it further I choose the wrong life. It proves within that part of me I'm not worth it and I'm not to be loved and why on this earth I should feel special? This is how I feel this brokenness I call my life sitting on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face afraid to say anything but in that moment I scared I'm going to die.

I want to be angry and I want to say something but each and every time I want to say something my body just wants to vomit and I run the other way. How do you explain to someone who believes you are a murderer? How do you express your feelings when they already made up their mind about abortion? I would love comfort and peace within my brokenness and I've been on my knees plenty of times to give me healing within this part of life which is broken. Sometimes when I'm in church and I'm praying to God I start feeling maybe it could happen to me but then I remember and all those feelings comes pouring back into my heart and I'm that lost little girl again asking God why do you hate me? I have faith I can be healed but I have come to an awareness it will not be on this earth. It won't happen in my lifetime but someday my brokenness will be healed though him who has created me.

I am hurting, I feel like I can't trust anyone, like my feelings don't matter and I'm all over the place emotionally because I'm intertwined with abortion. I can't run away from this topic any longer because as much as I want to hide, I cry myself to sleep every night, and I just want to speak my mind but I'm afraid of judgement, I'm afraid and lets just make this clear, I shouldn't have to tell another Christian about loving everybody.......I matter too!!! Take Care, Peace!!!

Drug Addiction

Going into something like drug addiction you think it couldn’t happen to you. I knew I was different because I did have addiction in my past so I was self-aware it could happen to me. I was very outspoken to the medical community of my concerns. My Doctor gave me a plan to wean off the opiates. Being on pain killers were putting pressure onto my heart. I know how I am with addictions. I was afraid I was addicted and in my heart I knew I was addicted. Truth, I got addicted to opiates and I had to do something about it. I was taking pain killers because I had surgery on my lung and I was healing from Pneumonia and it was needed for pain control. By this time in my recovery my body needed these drugs but not for pain control. Going off the Vicodin would be a 4 week battle of withdrawal and would I even have the strength to make it? I knew going into it would be hard; I would have to find it within my being to trust in Jesus to carry me through this time in my life.

The mental endurance I had to go through was excruciating when I was getting off the physical need of Narcotics. I was in battle with my physical body because all my body new was I was lacking something it needed. I was denying something it wanted to feel better. I was choking the very need of its addiction and in doing so I was in great physical and psychological pain and I was going through heavy restlessness, irritability and I had great pains throughout my body that was intense every time I moved.

I took a lot of hot scolding baths and listened to a lot of Chris Tomlin during this time with the support of my family. I did a lot of crying to Jesus and it was him who gave me great strength to focus on his face. I also realized when the pain would feel less tense the week would be done and I had to step down on the amount of mg I was taking. Once again, I was starting all over again from the beginning. I had to remember my withdrawal was impairing my judgment, my ability to think clearly, reason and rationalize my everyday life. I was having very unpleasant and intrusive thoughts because of these opiate withdrawal symptoms.

I was aware I could have self-destructive behavior and my thoughts included suicide. I asked for Jesus to watch over me and my safety throughout my struggle. I knew I really didn’t want to commit suicide and I really didn’t want to self-destruct and I gave that control to Jesus to watch over me. I really wanted him to protect me from myself of doing something stupid. I wasn’t myself throughout this. My own thoughts were not really my own thoughts and I was struggling for clarity. I don’t think I could have done it without Jesus and my family. I had moments of complete breakdowns, complete sadness, sorrow of unbelievable proportions and the physical pain that was on my mind 24 hours a day. The comfort of love and support is what got me though the 4 weeks. It’s almost a year from the beginning of this ordeal and I could say I’m completely healed I would be lying. I still crave for Opiates and I still have physical pain I deal with on a regular basis but I wouldn't change anything because I learned something about myself and I felt the true love of Jesus Christ. It was a blessing. I hope I never have to experience that again but if I do I know I can get through it. I did it once and I'm sure I can do it again. Take care, Peace!!

Welcome to 2012!!

December 21, 2012 is the end of the Mayan Calender. I'm just happy I made it to 2012. Last April it wasn't looking good for me and the beginning of May I almost died when my body was failing me and I had months of healing, ER visits and days where I had to find the strength just to get out of bed let alone to function. I recovered from prescription pain medication addiction. It was one of the worst years for me yet it was one of my best years for growth. I was baptized in June, I might of struggled physically but mentally I knew I would come out on the other side a better person with more life experience because of my faith and my love for Jesus.  

2011 was definitely a hard year for me and I'm looking forward to a new year with new possibilities!! Jesus loves you!!