So long 2010!!

Well it's the time of year to reflect on the old year past and look towards a New Year coming. My blues have gone. I'm not so emotionally unstable anymore. My relationship with God is a bumpy one at best but I'm slowing surrendering my control over to God but I'm not quite there yet. Maybe this year with be the year of salvation for me.

Well Christmas was wonderful and traumatic all wrapped up in one little package. My 3 year old son decided he wanted to go super fast while he was standing on a swivel computer chair which he fell off and bit threw his lower lip which we spent over 3 hours at the hospital getting him stitched up. The process of the experience was horrible watching your child screaming for the doctor to be done while he was strapped down on a board with needles being poked in his face, tubes pushed through his lip to clean out his wound. It was something I hope I never have to go through again. This happened in the evening so we still had a great morning and was able to visit the rest of the family. My poor boy was so tired after his stitches he curled up in his fathers arms and fell asleep.

Today of all days our son got his fingers caught in our bathroom door and got some skin ripped off his little fingers. He can't wait to start the New Year. The last week hasn't been nice to him.

All in all this year compared to years past wasn't so much on the shitty list. It's been a building year with my health getting better, the family going to church, getting more fellowship and the daughter starting Kindergarten, the son in his early intervention class and the hubby and I got to get away to our favorite spot Reno for a few days.  We are blessed and I'm wishing everyone a blessed 2011 and see you next year. Take care, Peace!!

Fun new toys!

I got an iPhone. I'm mobile!!! Have a great 2011!! Take care, Peace!!!

Bringing some cheer on a cold day!!

Who knew I just needed a new dress!! I love this dress and you can too at JC Penny's. Take care, Peace!!

The pain is too real!!

I'm on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs lately and frankly I don't seem alarmed because I'm like this every year around this time. It could be lack of sun. The time of year just brings out the worst in me. I don't want drugs. I never want to put myself on prescription drugs again. If I have no choice like last week when I had a really bad sinus infection. I needed drugs for that. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind but then again I would be more concerned if I wasn't going through this.

I wasn't going to write about my struggles about dreaming about John but I feel like I should. I'm sure more people feel this way in the winter months then they want to share. I feel like if I don't talk about my struggles I can't be straight with myself. I know I got it easy. I know my life isn't that bad. I know I think I'm going crazy sometimes because thoughts have popped into my mind I wish they weren't there. My brain is on overdrive. I've been dreaming a lot about John lately. I know I said I wouldn't use names on my blog but you know what? I'm hoping if I just express to the universe I'm frustrated my thoughts will change.

My husband does come here to read  and at this point I really don't care. That's sad to me and it's not like I want to hurt him. It's not like I want him to know I've been having dreams of his friend who I had a small history with. This is who I am, broken with a past of self destruction and emotional sadness.

Today I was actually happy I have lost weight and I didn't fit into one of my favorite dresses. I was also not pleased because I think I can lose more weight. I need to work on this because it's alarming to think I could be falling into my pattern of my eating disorder. I try not to think about wanting to lose weight. I'm working on maintaining the size I'm at but I have to be honest I was actually happy I lost weight.

At this moment I weight 119lbs. My BMI is low to normal but I can fit into my size 4 jeans and in Canada that's a size 6 which is normal so I'm happy. Apart of me wishes I could be smaller. I just have to say it. I have to own my feelings. I have to knowledge my pain. I have to be honest with my thoughts. That's how I have to know what I need to work on. Having an eating disorder you need to be truthful with your thoughts because if you don't then life can be hard. I'm aware of my pain so now I'm talking about feeling happy I'm losing weight. It's out there now. I should be accountable for my actions.

It's not pretty seeing me self destruct this way. It's not pretty I wish harm on myself. It's not pretty!!  It's not right songs I love are being picked off one at a time being manipulated by bad dreams of self destruction. My safe haven is being tainted by self destruction and my downward spiral into darkness.

Sometimes I just want too fall into darkness. The pressure of living a clean life is hard. It's hard work and sometimes the work is not worth it. Sometimes I just want to just give in to living easy. I love this song hero. It meant something special to me. It was one song I could listen too and feel safe. Why does the most cherished songs have to be one of the songs of my fallen down a path of self pity and pain.

Please just let me be so I can heal and be saved. I want to be saved so I don't have to hurt anymore. Take care, Peace!!

When life throws you lemons... fight back!!

Two of my favorite singers. Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. So I enjoy this song. I enjoy getting something out of it and it gives me hope. I feel like I'm just dragging on sometimes having more self pity parties then doing something to change the crap I feel that is dragging me down. It's time I just throw that crap away.

Church has helped me heal and it seems like I've been crying more the last few months but I need it. I need to heal and going to church has made me see what I need to let go. I need to let that burden go. I need to feel whole again. I need to stop feeling like I'm not worthy.

I'm all over the place emotionally and one of these days I'll get it. The sun will come out tomorrow. Until then I'll be soaking up songs like this one to remember what's important. Take care, Peace!!

Merry Christmas!!

When dreams smack you in the face!!

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I don't like that feeling like my dreams dictate my day. I was dreaming pretty good. I remember a lot of my dreams but sometimes they take a turn into reality I would rather not have to dream about certain things or someone. It bothers me and I would like to forget things in my life I'm not proud of doing. I would rather not remember and move on. Sometimes I'm not so lucky and my wonderful dreams take a turn and memories and situations come pouring out into my dreams and I wake up uneasy. I know they are just dreams but they still bother me. This morning I was dreaming about John and I just want him to get out of my head. I don't want to think about him when I'm awake or when I'm sleeping.

So this song Cheap Trick The Flame has been in my head all day. It's the song I had in my dream this morning and it was like a concert playing on continuous play that wouldn't stop.  Holy, please can this self destruction ever stop in my life. I can control my thoughts when I'm awake but in my dreams...come on now. It just sucks. I don't like when things I can't control affect my life and impacts my life in a negative way especially when John hasn't been apart of my life in 7 years.

I have moved on and maybe I shouldn't be so bothered by one stupid dream and maybe I have some guilt to deal with but it's like something I would rather not have to deal with and just forget it. I want to forget about it. I want to forget about him. I am happy or maybe I'm not but frankly I need too. It's been so long ago and it's in the past. Moving on!!

What really sucks about this situation I love Cheap Trick The Flame and now I just want it out of my head. Dreams suck....I'm so frustrated!! Take care, Peace!!

Those Crazy Days!!

It's my ..hum..cough..Birthday tomorrow and today a Tornado touched down in Oregon. My family doesn't live near where it hit but it freaked my kids out with the warning coming on during their TV time. We prepared and I got everything in the safest part of our house which is our half bath on our lower floor. I told the kids it's better to be prepared then not at all if something happens. We sat in the dark for about half an hour until my legs got tired of sitting so we turned to our normal lives.

I think I'll be sleeping with one of the kids tonight. I'm just saying!! Enjoy Nature and I think life is back to normal for now!!! Take care, Peace!!

Self Pity has left the building!!

I'm going to make the effort to not be let down by life. The last few weeks have been a drain on my soul. I was struggling to figure out things and old habits were creeping up that I had to challenge my being and I won. I wouldn't call it silly but the way I was behaving I really don't want to be like that. It's not who I am or want to be so I fought hard and I'm thinking clearer now.

The next few weeks are going to be magical and it's my job to make my children feel the wonderful feeling of giving then the whole commercializing aspect of Christmas. Simple yet special. My kids had a blast at Toys R Us this past weekend. They both picked out gifts for Toys for Tots with no tantrums of not getting any gifts for themselves. It was nice seeing their happy faces picking out gifts they wanted to donate and I was surprised of their choices.  It makes a mother proud. We're also doing other things this year I would talk about but that's between my family and God.

Life is good and I'm thinking clearly and feel good, not well but good. The warmth of love I'm surrounded by gives me hope we can survive anything. I'll rather be poor and happy then controlled with entitlements. Give because you want too not because you feel you have too!! Take care, Peace!!

Sometimes I just need strength!!

I've been feeling unsettled and sad. I maybe depressed I don't know. My heart is hurting and it's not settling with me. I need something to lift me up out of this chaos of my mental destruction. My brain goes places of self mutilation of my well being. I feel weak and defeated. I'm not supposed to be like this and I don't want to be like this so why am I feeling like I'm all alone?

I want to inspire and to be the one to lift other people up instead I'm having to pick myself up off the floor wrapped with my own tears. It's a struggle of my old life colliding with my new life. It just takes me all my strength not to go back to old habits of my obsessions with my eating disorder restricting my eating or binging. It's mind consuming to keep on the straight path.

Music has always been my blanket of comfort so I'm leaning on it more the last few days to get my head on straight. I've been listening to a lot of Christian Music and it has help some. I'm run down and its heartbreaking. I feel broken and lately I'm just at the brink of just putting my hands up and say that's it. I can't do this anymore and not caring is a lot less work than caring.

I feel like one big phony because in public I have a smile on my face and pretending nothing is wrong yet at the same time I feel like breaking down and crying because I'm not okay. I don't want to show weakness to the world and show I'm a fragile person on the edge of  falling off the cliff into emotional hell. It's the continuing voice in my brain over and over again....You are Not Worthy!! I am not worthy because I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm pretending to be this well rounded individual who has life on her shoulders but in reality I'm just going through the motions of getting by one day at a time pretending life is great. My image is a shattered self portrait of denial and self pity and if only I was skinny.

So I'm learning to embrace my life and accept it just the way it is to love myself in spite of my insecurities of my self destruction. I don't want to be pushed back into the darkness again. That kinda scares me. I just have to keep reminding myself what that life consisted of because I belong, I am love, and I'm worthy. Life will give you road blocks but it's what you do to push through the pain that matters. I'm pusing through and time will tell if I survived this road block in the journey I call my life.

The video I posted.... I love this song. It gives me hope. Take care, Peace!!

It's the time of my Blue Season!!

I feel guilty for being frustrated. I feel overwhelmed my house is in crazy chaos and I can't seem to get ahead. I'm starting to not like our stuff. We have too much stuff and I wish it to be gone. It's not like we need all this stuff. Things are piling up around me and I just can't control this anxiety and it's not like I have help in organizing it. Sometimes I just wonder why I even bother picking up and putting anything a way. I will spend most of my day here and there putting things a way and then later it looks like I haven't done anything. It's hard work for me but do my family care I'm using up the energy I have and I could easily be doing other things I enjoy then cleaning up after them. I want to have a nice home I'm proud to invite people over and right now I feel like I'm living in slob town. I really can't stand living this way. I have all these feelings and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be grateful, I should feel blessed to have all this stuff and it makes for a never ending feeling of shame, guilt and frustration.

This isn't what I want. I wish I could rent a huge garbage bin and start getting rid of 3/4 of all this stuff we have accumulated over the years and my husband doesn't like throwing things out and I want to get rid of everything except all the things we cherish the most. I don't cherish a lot of things we have and it's just here surrounding my space. I don't like clutter and I can only handle so much before my space feels over crowded. I don't like feeling overly crowded. I like openess and I like walking into my space and everything in the room to have it's own space organized and clean. I don't live that way. I just want my home to give me peace. I want to be able to relax instead of seeing all the clutter and all the mess. I wish would be walking into my home and feel good being home. I want to feel good in my home. I cry!!

I got to do something to make me feel better and maybe it's just the time of year I feel like I'm suck in a box and can't get out. I feel awful and I just want to cry all the time and I don't enjoy anything and things that once gave me joy doesn't seem to make me feel any better because it just makes me feel guilty for feeling ungrateful and selfish.

I've tried everything I can to curb my anxiety over my house. I do better when I'm not in it but I feel let down when I come home because the same clutter, the same mess, the same feeling knowing I have to clean it just makes me want to turn around and leave. My home is my home and I want to love my house, I want to feel at peace when I'm home but I can't escape it. My master bedroom once used to make me feel at peace but right now it's storage of unused kids baby toys, baby clothes and other papers and such that doesn't have a place in the rest of the house. I just need to escape this clutter sometimes. Life is too much when you have no where to go. Take care, Peace!!

Good dose of Reality!!

My heart got a workout Monday morning and I'm hoping never have to go through that again in my lifetime. Our Monday started off like any Monday getting up at 7am to get the daughter ready for school. I woke up feeling not so hot like I was coming down with something or had something like a cold, infection, or flu and I new it could mean along day. We decided our daughter needed to have some more independence so last week while her grandmother was watching the kids while we were away would dropped my daughter off at the front door of her school and she would walk to class. When we got back from our trip her father kept it up and dropped her off in front of the school and she promised she would walk straight to her class.

So Monday was like any other. Her father dropped her off in front of the school and watched her go into the building and then he came home because I wasn't feeling well. 10am the phone rings and an automatic message from my daughters school saying she was absent from school. I think I about threw up. I told my husband to drive to the school and told him the school said she wasn't at school. My child wasn't at school. What happened to her? My husband saw her go into the school but she didn't arrive to her classroom. Where is she? I was in shock, I was panicked, I couldn't even cry and all I wanted was to hear good news. So while my husband was driving to the school I called the school to give the school the heads up he was on his way. Where is my daughter? Call 911!!!

The women on the phone said it was a clerical error and my daughter was at school but she got a tardy slip and because they were short staffed she got put on the absent list and that's why we got the automatic message. I was so relieved I couldn't even get mad. My daughter was safe at school in her class where she was supposed to be. When my husband got to my daughters school he checked in on her class and sure enough she was at her desk doing her work.

So this morning my husband walked her to the front door and watched her walk to her class but then she went to the cafeteria instead. That's why she was late for class on Monday. So he went in and walked her to her class. Her word "I promise to walk straight to class" won't work anymore so here we are going to walk her to class and deal with her independence another time.

I never want to get a message like that again from her school. My heart can't handle thinking my daughter went missing from school especially after a 7 year old boy went missing from one of our local elementary school last June. It's not something I want to hear from my daughters school that she didn't show up for school when she's supposed to be there. Take care, Peace!!

My vacation!!

Well I think I'm in love with the Atlantis in Reno.  http://www.atlantiscasino.com/   My husband and I just got back from an Awesome vacation to Reno to celebrate our 8 year wedding anniversary. The trip only lasted 3 days because that's all I can handle being away from my wild crazy beautiful kids. It was a much needed getaway and I so needed it.

On Monday morning we left for the airport around 5am. With all the horror surrounding the TSA agents and security when I went through was kinda boring but then again I only had a small purse with barely anything in it and I didn't have to take that much off to go through security. It was just me and my boarding pass with Identification. I always go light because I'm nice that way.

We ended up having breakfast at the Airport and I swear the lady gave me cream for my coffee because I'll just say this being Lactose Intolerant isn't fun when you travel and thank heavens for bathrooms...enough said and I can tell you this....I made my flight.

We got to Reno super early so our room wasn't ready. The weather was warm and sunny the whole time we were there. It's better than rain. The Room was beautiful and so big. I would post a picture of the room but I don't have mine developed yet and I could take one from the resorts website but I don't want to be sued. If you go to the Altantis Website you can see room photos. The rooms were so nice. In the afternoon we took a nap. How nice that was...so wonderful!! I did get kinda drunk Monday night with free drinks when you gamble. I had 4 corona's but it wasn't that kinda night where I had a date with the toilet. I just ended up sleeping good. I was a little green in the morning but you know it's all good!!

Tuesday we just got up when we got up which was nice. I didn't have to think about anyone but myself and for a mother that was pretty sweet. We ended up walking down to the Black Bear Diner http://www.blackbeardiner.com/ and the food was great and I had their Thick-Cut Smoked Bacon and Eggs...so good!! We even bought our kids some long johns there in the gift shop. After lunch we headed across the street to watch a movie. We went and saw Megamind in 3D. Our kids are a little too young for this movie so I'm glad we saw it first. 

We had some time before Dinner which we got reservations for the Bistro Napa for our Anniversary Dinner. The Bistro Napa is concerned Casual Fine-Dining.

Here's there write up :Winner of Wine Spectator's “Award of Excellence!”



Inspired by Napa Valley...great wine, cozy atmosphere, unique & delicious entrées. It's taking Reno places it's never been before. From wood-fired baby artichokes and Kurobuta pork chops to truffled potato chips and sesame hummus. We've stepped out of the expected and created the extraordinary. This is a dining experience you won't soon forget, combining fresh quality ingredients and culinary artistry with a 4,000 bottle wine cellar and you have the newest "It" place to dine in northern Nevada. Let our sommelier help you pair the perfect wine to complete your award-winning gourmet meal.

It was an experience I will never forget. The service was outstanding. We ordered the Bistro Cioppino-Spicy Tomato Saffron Broth, Fresh Fish, King Crab, Clams, Shrimp, Scallops and I'm not much of a seafood kinda gal but I also wanted to try something new and this sounded to die for. The saffron broth you could just eat alone with bread. Everything tasted fresh and melted in your mouth. I haven't had a meal like this EVER!! I felt pampered and I will never forget this dinner. I was blown away by the service, the food and the wonderful experience. If I can ever afford to eat there again I will.

My husband and I don't gamble to win so we gave ourselves a budget and just had a good time. We won some and we lost lots but it was enough to entertain ourselves while we were there. We kinda stayed up to late on Tuesday night by watching re-runs of CSI-NY but that's vacation for you.

Our last day we took our time checking out but we also had a few hours to kill before our flight home so we gambled some more and left feeling relaxed and refreshed. When we got to the airport our flight was delayed for an hour and there's not much you can do in Reno's airport then sit and gamble waiting for your flight. So we sat and gambled some more on the Sex and the City machine and we walked away with some easy money. The perfect way to end our trip.

I'm glad to be home with my kids and the flight home was a little turbulent and my brain likes to go places it shouldn't and my husband made a point by saying God wouldn't give us a good payday and then crash the plane. That would have been messed up!! Like.... You won big but sorry sucka's!!

Well I think I need to make this trip more often and this trip brought some perspective into my life because as I sometimes feel the pressures of "just being mom" I forget I deserve to have my relaxation to unwind and enjoy some time to do things for me and trips like this one was nice. I need to make this my priority to put aside money so my husband and I can keep the flames going in our marriage and I can just be me because I'll always be Mom but sometimes I just need to feel like I have an Identity too!!  Find what moves you!! Take care, Peace!!

Atlantis Casino Resort and Spa you rock and we will be back!!

Life is exploding!!

I'm at a crossroads in my life. I'm scared out of my mind. The fear of choosing which path to take and will I make the right choice. I haven't completely given my life to Christ and maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm just scared to completely let go of my control to a belief I know that's right. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and the unknown is making me feel like a failure and defected.

I feel defected. There I said it. I lie to myself often like if I let that part of my being be honest it's like I'm a failure. I live to be positive. I want to inspire and to bring a new understanding of supporting one another of lifting people up who are lost so they too can see the world as good.

I know who I am. 10 years ago if you asked me who I was I probably would have said something generic because I really didn't know. My life is clear to me now. I know what I stand for yet at the same time I feel lost of where to go from here. Where am I supposed to belong?

I read the news and my heart is breaking with all this suffering in the world. Our legacy for the next Generation doesn't look great. We are a stepping stone for the next Generation neither to succeed or to fail. I want my children to succeed but how can we allow them to have the opportunities to grow as a Generation when we are planting the seeds for them to fail? We should be lifting each other up to give them the freedoms to carry on to their next Generations to further on in our humanity to be come greater than they are.

Why is selfishness being rewarded when charity is being victimized? We use charity to help our fellow man and we do it because it's the right thing to do. Feeling like charity is an obligation really diminishes the truth of true givings. It's not what's asked of us for what we do it's the compassion of loving someone for who they are and you want to help because you care. It's not because it's expected of you.

Our society rewards people who just want to take from people because they feel they deserve more. We all deserve more by our ability to accept each other of what we can give of ourselves to the good of humanity with our strength to lift up the lost, the weak and to raise children so they can do the same.  How can we grow in our humanity when people want to take more then they truly deserve by allowing people to suffer so they can have their human rights? We all deserve human rights. That's a given but not on the backs of our brothers and sisters to bring them down so they can raise themselves up. How does that help anyone? Why do we feel like it's something to acheive to pull people down just to make ourselves feel better?

I feel like I'm being pulled in a direction of my life where I'm scared to death. I have hope yet at the same time I feel like if I go towards this direction and down this path I'm being drawn too I will fail. I don't want to fail. I guess I need to have more faith in what's good. I have surrendered to what's good and my feeling of defect is sharing in my pain to the world to see we are all imperfect. We should have pride for who we are as humans. I'm proud to stand up for what's right and to defend what's right. Maybe I'm just conflicted because I know the path I'm supposed to go down and I'm just fighting it out of my own personal fear. Maybe I should just let go!!

I'm proud to be living today. Lets inspire each other to be great and lets support each other to lift each other up. Take care, Peace!!

In times of Crisis!!

I think my heart skipped a beat when my daughter all in a panic made me go out with my cold/flu feeling self to rush outside in our back yard because she needed help. Call 911..call 911. I thought she was dying...yes, I went there. I was like what's wrong?...is there any blood? Are you okay?

"No, mother you have to save the neighbour's cat. He's stuck up on the roof. We got to save him......mommy, he looks scared...you have to do something!!!"

I'm thinking oh jeez, jump down so I can go back inside where it's nice and warm.

Seriously, I love this cat to bits. He comes to visit us often and loves our backyard. We even named him Blackie well because he's black. It fits him and he's cute. So after my heart calmed down I took a picture.

I'm glad he jumped down and is safely on the ground because frankly I don't know if I could handle watching a cat up on the roof all night. Now my daughter is drawing pictures of her experience and I can go back to resting. Take care, Peace!!

Worry who needs that!!

Wow, my daughter got my gene to worry. I have to keep bringing her back to present every other day. Lets get through today first. It's good to plan ahead and you're only five years old and when you're 10 years old we'll deal with being 10 years old then. I know it's exciting to be in the second grade and that's cool and all but lets deal with everything now in Kindergarten first. Yes, on your next birthday you will be six years old but lets get through Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas first and then we can plan your birthday. I don't know who will be coming to your party and it may snow on your birthday but lets deal with that then when the time comes. So many talks and so much comfort and sleepless nights.

I think my child will burn out before she turns 7 years old with all the possibilities of her life. I don't want to say it's silly because I'm kinda concerned for her. She worries all the time and some of the stuff she comes up with I'm like oh, sweetie I feel your pain. It breaks my heart at times when she gets herself so upset over things. I understand worry because as a mother I worry all the time.

So I started doing a Calendar with my daughter and only do one month ahead. We write weekly of all the things we are doing for the week ahead. It has worked somewhat on keeping her from future worries. I'm trying to get her more excited then scared. It has eased her a little and she's not asking of things much and more excited of what's ahead in the week then when she's 10 years old or what's going to happen when she's in second grade. I told her it's okay to think ahead sometimes but life changes so when the time comes to ride the bus to school after the winter holidays we'll deal with the excitement then. I want to rein in her worry so it's a healthier experience for her.

I think the future scares her and she's like me in a way she has to know. She has to know of her control with no surprises. She wants to prepare so she's ready. All I can do is comfort her and not dismiss her feelings. Giving her other options seems to help her with her worry. She's just a beautiful soul and I feel bad she's going through this. I hope I'm making her feel important!!! Take care, Peace!!

Inspire because it's just right!!

I had to write something because the last post was dark and emotional. I have to start this weekend with a kind post with love and I want to touch someone tonight on this wonderful Friday night. I'm listening to some beautiful touching music and I'm excited for life. I'm excited for some good times coming not meaning in material things but inspiration to truly believe we can be wonderful and great people who are strong, beautiful and who are kind people who truly care of what this country, it's world, it's people are capable of doing extraordinary work.

Unless you are greedy or evil we all want the best. We believe in loving oneself and each other. We want to help as much as we are capable of doing. No one wants suffering but we are the world, we can make things happen. Who really needs a Government telling you , you can't be loving, you can't be giving and you are not capable of wanting to help their fellow man, woman, child etc? We just go out and do it because it's our duty in humanity to not allow someone to fall.

I know its the persons choice to fall but it doesn't mean you can't tell them you care. It doesn't mean you can't show them love and understanding. You may be there voice because they don't have one. Who knows but it doesn't help when we don't do anything. At the moment this is my voice.... this small little blog.

Lets inspire the good in people. Lets give people who are lost the chance to see this world the way it's meant to be. We are all blessed to walk this earth. We are here for a reason and whatever that maybe we need to use our weakness, our strength and show compassion to people who feel unworthy. Lift them up to see the good in this world one person at a time. Life is truly great!! Take care, Peace!

The Dark side of Life!!

Disclaimer: Fowl language in this Post!!

I get it and I understand life can be hard. I've been in places in my life where it was painful to live. Each day wasn't any better then the next. I understand people love drama for themselves or watching, reading and participating in other peoples drama. It's in our nature and sometimes we enjoy it watching other people suffer and sometimes it makes us feel better knowing someone else is suffering just like yourself. Our society is deep rooted with drama, suffering and sometimes people just need it to have meaning whatever that may be for themselves. I had plenty of drama directly and indirectly in my lifetime and frankly I'm getting to the point I would prefer not to have as much. It's really exhausting.

When you are walking with suffering in your life it really is hard to see the world as happiness. You are angry the world is shitting on you. You see other people with joy and you just want them to fuck off, neither you are jealous of them or really you just want them to fuck off.

Sometimes it's just easier to hate the world and everyone in it then to fix your life. It's like you are so down on your life working to make things better is harder so living your life with discontent is what you're going to do. It's not like you deserve a better life and it's not like you deserve to be happy. It's like you're not worth anything better so why bother changing things. Life is a sack of shit so I'll accept it as my life and struggling with life is at least something.

It's a dark world and you never see the good stuff. You never see the opportunities surrounding your life or the people who love and care for you. All you think is they are just trying to get in your business being all righteous like they are perfect and they just don't understand you. You think they are telling you how to live your life and they don't know you. They don't know what you have been through and they sure as hell need to back off because it's your life and they really don't know how you are feeling. What do they know? They haven't gone through my struggles or my heart breaks so how can they help me besides being in my business. You really don't want to hear it neither it makes you fell like more shit or you hear some truth in what they are saying and it makes you feel like shit for seeing your life like shit. It's never a win, win!!

Of course, you don't want to hear it because of your self worth. When you don't give yourself much respect or credit no matter what anyone says you don't believe them because you don't like yourself all that much. Why would you like yourself? The world is against you and suffering just follows you everywhere you go and you never get a break on anything. It's always something which keeps bringing you down. You have the "got ya" moments to prove life is full of shit. You understand the saying "shit happens" because you are living it.

You feel alone because no one understands your pain. No one understands your circumstances and you have lost friends because obviously they don't care and it's there loss. They were bitches and who needs that righteousness anyway like their shit don't stink. I'm better off without them.

It really is a lonely life. Seeing the world like that is sad and the despair, the pain, the not feeling like you are loved, that no one understands me or can understand me is an empty shell of a life. I happened to live some of my life is this. I went through a period of my life full of rage, sorrow, frustration and anger. No one could hate me more than I hated myself. It's sad way of life. The hard part were the tears of not knowing what was next like it was bad enough you couldn't deal with life the way it is yet more things were piling up on your plate like "Come on....really?" Enough is enough yet you keep living it over and over and it's not like you don't want to have an easy life but getting their would be work. How can you deal with work when you got all this shit to do already?

It's not easy changing your life around and seeing the world differently. It took me years and at times the work was more difficult to deal with but you keep working at it. You keep moving forward with baby steps and when you fall you pick yourself up and you keep moving. You're going to get bruised and feel beaten but in the end it's all worth it. One day you will look back and hold those scars of your life with pride.

This is how I did it. Each time a problem came up as much as it hurt I dealt with the issue. I was straight up with the problem that was burdening my heart. I dug in deep and worked it out so I could let them go so when things got tough those issues wouldn't bother me anymore. Then I moved on to the next problem and worked each issue out until life started looking easier. I could see the light on the other side. Then dealing with my problems were getting much easier. You're going to have short comings and old problems will creep back into your life. You pat yourself on your back and you push through.

The more learning you do about yourself you realize how strong you really were for putting up with all your shitty baggage you were carrying around on your back. The lighter you become by working on your craziness you realize you don't want to carry that shit anymore. It was heavy..damn you it hurt. Then you realize you don't want to live like that anymore. You are strong and you realize how strong you are and it gives you strength to push through the chaos of your life.

When things become easier and you learn you really are worth it then you get hit by a ton of bricks called........ guilt!!! Oh my, my bricks of guilt consumed me down to my core being. How do you get out of that? For me I allowed myself to mourn my past life. I started building my foundation to be stronger and more resistance so when troubles came my way it was easier to deal with. My foundation didn't crumble to the ground every time I was hit with the shit part of life. You can never change the past but only live in the present and hope for the future. To move forward you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and life is not easy but it can be exciting and joyful. The light feels warm and inviting. The dark is cold and depressing. You choose what you are willing to live with.

I prayed on this post to guide me on what I should say. It was not easy on me and at times hurt with sadness. I truly believe in love. I care for you and I understand the dark life and with help I want to hold your hand and be there. Someone out there cares for you even when life is lonely. I learned though my dark times you really can't do it on your own. So you will need to put your guard down and ask for support. Support has been there all along and you just need to reach out and embrace it.  Life is love and life is responsibility!! Take care, Peace!!

Meaning in your Life!!

What do you want out of your life? What does Life mean to you? Life is different for everyone. I believe in Music and it's message. I can hear a song and whatever circumstance I'm going through at the moment I find meaning of understanding I'll be okay. Lately, I've been listening to a few Christian songs. The one I'm posting is from Lincoln Brewster called Surrender.



The first time I heard this song was in Church. I was sitting down at the time but if I was standing up it would have brought me down on my knees. It broke me in a way like a force I can't explain in a good loving kinda way.

And I Surrender
All to you
All to you

I was touched like nothing I have felt before in my life. The power of the message in this song just made me have a different outlook into my life. I cried not because I felt sad..... I felt relief. I believe in receiving the message in a way you can relate too and feel comfortable with. God knows I live in the music. He knows I can relate and understand the meaning behind a song. This has never happened to me before where a great feeling over came me. It really was comforting!!

Why this song? Why in Church? Why now? I believe Gods message is what I needed to hear right now. It's my time and he knows I'm ready to listen to the word. This is my testimony. Would I have accepted this message like 7 years ago? No, because 7 years ago I wasn't ready to hear it.

I'll leave you with another song I love listening too. Chris Tomlin: How Great is our God!!



Live to love my friends, believers and unbelievers. Take care, Peace!!

As in At Peace!!

I've been thinking about Peace lately. What does that really mean? Sure I put it at the end of my posts and for me Peace means acceptance of one's self. Peace is commonly understood as the absence of hostility. So if you are hostile to your inner being you are not at Peace. If you love yourself and you are confident for the love of yourself you know who you are. You are not struggling to figure out what you believe or who you are as a person. You are who you are as a person and there is no question in your mind. So of course, you would have a strong understanding of your inner foundation that makes up your love which in sense is peace with no struggle and you have no burden.

When we struggle with ourselves we don't have love in our hearts and if we do we're in pain about it. You are searching for acceptance from people, from life but how can you receive acceptance from others if you can't do it for yourself first. If someone told you are beautiful but you don't believe you are beautiful then you're not going to believe them fully. If you believe you are beautiful and someone told you are beautiful you're going to believe them fully.

At one point in my life I didn't like myself all that much. I was in mass destruction within myself and I didn't know who I was. It was a lonely time for me. I felt like I was being torn in two different directions. I hope I will never have to go through that again. For one, I didn't know who I was as a person. I thought I knew but I didn't truly or I wouldn't have been in a position to hate myself. I now enjoy being by myself with my thoughts. It's not so dark in there. I slowly started to know who I was and what I wanted, what I loved, who I wanted to become and I worked on myself to release the burden within my heart. I worked on my forgiveness for the burden I was feeling and the acceptance of myself. It's a process and I'm not quite there but I'm on the road.

Once I feel like I'm in a place where the foundation is there I can share my peace with others and help others with compassion and understanding they too can feel at peace too. It's like in the beginning of a relationship. You want to know who the other person is to see if they are compatible with you so why can't you do that for yourself?

I know it's the hardest thing I had to do is forgive myself for my failures and my bad decisions and the people who have hurt me. It took along time to forgive myself. It also took me me a hard time to forgive others who have hurt me. In the process of learning what I wanted in life I realized when you hold a grudge toward others it doesn't hurt them. They are not hurting and they are not fixated on the pain which the burden is only on you. Let that go however you want too because it's really not worth it. You are not punishing them but yourself for allowing yourself to not forgive. I forgive you and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to release the burden from my painful feelings, my angry feelings and the struggle which isn't allowing me to move forward.

So necessarily you don't have to forgive the person whom has hurt you in person for example: I couldn't get passed the pain and suffering my mother had on my heart for verbally abusing me when I was a kid. I wanted validation from her to move on and I never got it from her. Her denial of her part in my suffering only hurt me and I couldn't move on from that. I couldn't understand why she was in denial of my pain she caused me. It was like I wanted her to suffer as badly as I was feeling. So when I poured my heart out about my feelings to her on her abusing me and I didn't get what I wanted from her. It hurt me even more which broke my heart because she was my mother and I loved her. She was my mother and I didn't understand why she wasn't giving me compassion and the love I was needing from her. I was broken and I was searching for love from the wrong place. I needed to forgive and then in return find love within my own inner being to love oneself. 

When I was getting to know who I was as a person I learned I needed to validate my own feelings. I know I was abused and I know it hurt me so when I finally got it I forgave my mother. The pain in my heart was my own burden and allowing myself to keep hurting was my own suffering and not hers.

I didn't want to hurt anymore and over time I have released the burden I was carrying around within me. Having Peace is refreshing and it feels good. I like good which in turns gives me a better outlook on my life. So we all want peace. We all can have peace but we need to work towards Peace and we need to share our peace with others. So go out and enjoy your life and start the journey of forgiveness.... what ever that is for you. Take care, Peace!!!

I am No SuperMom..deal with that!!

I never want to be a Supermom to where I feel like I have to take drugs to get me through life. I don't want the pressure for myself just to feel like I have to stretch myself in so many directions just to feel like I'm doing an outstanding job as a mother.

I'm not in a contest with other mothers to prove or show I'm better than they are. We are Mom's and it's a wonderful job at times and a horrible job at times but we do it and sometimes we don't feel appreciated being a mother but we do it anyway.

We are all working mothers with some who work outside the home and others who stay home. Some mothers are single mothers and some are not. At the end of the day we're still Mothers who love our children and want the best for them. Does it matter how we do it?

I value being a mother by the way my children are growing up in a stable environment with two parents who love and respect each other and that doesn't mean I think I'm better than the next Mom. This is how I want to raise my children and there is nothing wrong with that or wrong with how another Mother raises her children.

I'm getting out of this Mother competition society has put pressure on Mothers to be Supermoms.  We do it to ourselves and I'm not going to be apart of it. Judge me Judge me not..... I really don't care what you think. My kids are loved and that's all that matters to me at the end of the day. Some days are wonderful and some days are a struggle but I know I'm doing what I feel is best for my children.

The moment I feel like I have to take some brain altering prescription anti-anxiety or an anti-depressant drug to raise my children then I'll need to re valuate my life. It's not worth it to me to put that much pressure on myself and raising children shouldn't be a daily struggle or hardship. It should give you happiness so it carries you through the tough times. Take care, Peace!!!

This is what I'm talking about!!

Well it's Wednesday and I'm getting a hang of this single parenthood. This is the easy I'm looking for. I don't mind easy and I can live with easy where I don't feel like life is a struggle where I can live without pressure, without fighting, without tears and without having to take a break because life seems too hard. I like this and it makes life so enjoyable.

Today is easy but I do miss my husband and I can't wait until he comes home in a few days. The kids think it's cool they can video skype with there father. I'm happy I can video skype with my husband and actually get to see him. It's better then talking over the phone!!

Well Life is good, the kids are still alive and I have the best family and friends in the world and my husband still loves me!! Take care, Peace!!

That's Life!!

Why I like to make my life difficult I don't know? I think deep down inside I love the challenge like my life isn't a challenge as it is. I need to make it twice as challenging. I need to make it as a hurdle and a huge hill and lets make it even more difficult by lets throw in there some sharp rocks to climb over. Okay, it's not that bad but sometimes life feels like that. Some days you want things to be easy.

Well my two kids and I got a good night sleep. It was needed from the night before when we didn't get any. I felt rested this morning and ready to get this party started.  I fed the kids, got them dressed and out the door in record time to get the daughter to school. Things were going great, no fighting, no struggle, we were working as a team. So much love going on. My kids made their mother proud...then.............. I made the silly mistake in using the stroller this morning because I thought I would be kind to my son. My son has some allergy/cold thing going on and even though he's a little old for the thing I made the decision to use it.  Big mistake...BIG!! But I did have good reasons!!

He is sick
He would have to walk in the cold
We could walk quicker with him in the stroller
It would be easier on him

But I didn't put into mind he's 35 lbs of 3 year old which I would have to push up some small tiny hill which this morning felt like a huge hill and me getting over my own sickness gave me more work then it was worth plus I don't know why they make those strollers so short like you have to be Igor bend over just to push the thing. Talk about sore arms and back...sheeesh!! At least, I got a good leg workout!!

I don't think I'll be using the stroller anymore. That was not what I had in mind this morning to make life easy. When I got home I thought I was going to faint. It's not like my daughters school is that far away. I'm tired. I wish I could sleep again but that's life!!! Life could be easy and I can live with easy. I really miss my husband right now. Take care, Peace!!

Zombies have taken over!!

So I'm here being a Zombie with lack of sleep because both my kids decided sleep wasn't for them last night. First my oldest couldn't sleep by herself so I dragged her in with me so I could sleep but then a short while later the boy decided to wake up crying in the hallway so I dragged him in the bed with us also. BIG MISTAKE!! The kids thought it was fun time and wouldn't let me sleep. So from 12am until now...WIDE AWAKE!! with two cranky kids who don't want to sleep and I'm sleep deprived.

Why I broke my own rule and allowed them to co-sleep with me? Their father is out of town on another business trip to California for the week. I'm recovering from the flu/cold whatever I have and I need my sleep so the smarty pants I am thought if we all slept together in the same bed WE all would get a good nights sleep....look how that worked out for me?

Now a sleepless night and I'm hacking out a lung and my kids are fighting with each other on who kept who awake all night. I thought it was both of them but apparently I lost that battle.

So the three of us look like the living dead, cranky with some crying and that's just me. The daughter is upset I'm keeping her home from school today. I wonder why? and why punish her teacher because of my lack of good parenting. I'm sure lack of sleep for a 5 year old doesn't go well with learning in a school environment.

Life Lessons: never break your own rules!! Take care, Peace!!

Mighty to Save!!

I truly believe we all have a purpose in this world. I am learning more about myself in the last few months then I have ever experienced before. Get to know who you are. What do you stand for so you can just live your life with peace, love and acceptance. Take care, Peace!!

The Cross which speaks my name!!

My husband wanted to buy me a cross awhile ago and I told him when I was ready I would get one. I wouldn't call myself having a conventional definition for my faith. I'm very spiritual even before I started my journey with Christ. I just didn't want to get a Cross to have a Cross. I wanted it to have meaning not only for Jesus sacrificing his life for us but also meaning for me spiritually so I personally will remember Gods love. I need a connection like a testimony to my faith in which I can relate too!!

I'm not here to demand everyone has to be religious or have some form of religion because it's personal to the individual. I don't want religion pushed on me so I'm not going to push it on you. I just want to explain my journey on how I found my cross.

I shared with you a poem close to my heart called Footprints in the Sand GO HERE. (Sorry about the non edited version. I don't know what happened to my blog but time is busy and I haven't gotten around to fix this blog.)

Anyway, This Poem has great meaning to me. Especially when I thought God had forsaken me. I was broken and had lost my faith on many of occasions.....too many to count!!  But I always found my way back to this poem like it was speaking to my soul and my heart that I wasn't alone and God was carrying me. Reading footprint's in the Sand the last sentence "it was then that I carried you" is engraved on the back of my cross. On the front are footprints. I know it's not the traditional cross but when I saw this cross in the store I knew this was my cross.

It's like God was communicating with me the only way he knew I would understand his message. I know this poem isn't out of the bible. I know a women wrote this poem but the message of God's love affected my life in ways I can't express. Times in my life I did forget the message but now........I proudly wear my cross around my neck so I will never forget his message of his love for me. I am blessed in so many ways even when I don't really understand why? Take care, Peace!!

Change is Good or is it?

It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.

Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.

I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.

Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?

This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive.  It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......

Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices.  I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road.  This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!

Powering your Mind!!

I love reading books. I keep telling my children "Mommy's book collection is my legacy to you". The love of reading is a passion for me just like Music is apart of my soul and well being. I like soaking my brain full of knowledge. I typically have an open mind when it comes to books. No subject is off limits to me. I have a vast collection of books about the Holocaust. I have political books, books about faith, books about History, books that are fiction, non fiction and books which celebrities have written.

I make time in my schedule to read. I have 8 books ready for me to dig right in. I'm sure if I had free rein I would put my family into the poor house because of my love of reading. I have to use self control when it comes to buying books.

When I stop being lazy I may set up something on my blog of the books I have read. I don't know yet but we'll see. Here's my fall reading list and I'm hoping to finish these books before Winter starts.

The Roots of Obama's Rage-Dinesh D'Souza
Barefoot in Baghdad-Manal M. Omar
The Confirmation-Ralph Reed
Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass an American Slave
The Communist Manifesto and Other Writings-Karl Marx and Freidrich Engels
The Federalist-Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay

Coming later is Rules for Radicals and Propaganda. My husband couldn't get these two books at the bookstore yesterday because they didn't have them so I'm going to order these two off the Internet. It's like I need to know.

I don't agree with the Presidents ideology and it doesn't make me a racist but I also want to know where he comes from as a man. I want to know because maybe I'll get a better understanding of where his character is pushing for his policies. I'll be getting his books this winter.

Most of the books I have read in the last 6 months usually are not books I would choose to read but I feel it's important I read books out of my interests range so I know what's going on in the world around me. Would I typically read The Communist Manifesto? No, but I do want to understand Marxists and Communists. I normally wouldn't even read the Federalist neither but I feel obligated to read about USA History for my children's sake so they learn the truth about their Countries History then what the Progressives in this Country want you to learn. I'm learning more on Woodrow Wilson. Mr. Wilson was the first huge push on the Progressives in this Country. I would like to know how they think.

I always want to find the truth for myself. I want to understand more and learn more. You want to know a book that would blow your mind. Read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. The book horrified me. Lets just say after reading this book I'm awake now as in I will be more vigilant in what the Government is doing and if that means I have to stretch my mind to insanity I will. Take care, Peace!!

Way to go Mom.. you suck!!

I do the best for my children. I do what's best for my marriage. I work on balancing out my life so I can give attention to everyone as best I can. I do what's capable of me with my health limitations. I know my health problems were tough on my family. They were tough on me so I understand.  I feel a lot of pressure all the time but I don't stew on it often because it's not healthy for me or my children. Mommy guilt can overcome me.

I have expectations I want for my children on how they represent themselves in public and at home. I think working on your behaviour starts at home. I want my children to learn how to interact well in the world and maybe I'm hard on them at times but if I allow them to just get what they want and allow them to just run a muck at home then I'm not doing them any favors out in the world. I'm working on balancing behaviour so my children learn that sometimes people will not like them but you still conduct yourself with kindness. Show by example!!

I am harder on my daughter then with my son because she's older. I discipline age appropriately.  When my son turns 5 years old I'll have higher expectations for him also just like I expect my daughter to listen and do what's asked of her for what's she capable of as a 5 year old. I know their limitations but I also push both my children to work a little harder when they get discouraged because giving up and not wanting to learn isn't helping them to grow as little people into responsible adults.

If I'm not going to teach my children how to conduct themselves with good behavior then who will...society?  I want my children to understand having a good moral foundation will set them up so when life throws them crap they know how to make the best out of a bad situation by being a leader in making good decisions and learning from the bad ones which means I have to give them understanding sometimes their behaviour stinks and then reward them when they are doing great.

I just want the best for my children and they are my responsibility as a stay at home mother to teach them right from wrong and it hurts when someone you love criticizes your parenting like I favor one child over the other. I love both my children but all children are different. One technique may work for one but it may not work for the other. It's a balancing act to give both my children the attention they need to strive in this world. 

I went through the terrible three's with my daughter and now my son is starting his terrible three's and I'll just be as hard on him like I was on his sister because he needs to understand his bad behavior is not acceptable in our household. My approach may be different but in the end I'll expect the same results. Bad behavior is not acceptable.....period!!

I'm doing my best to give my family the attention, love and kindness I'm capable of and I'm balancing myself so we can function as a household. So my heart is bruised today and I'll get over it because I love my children to much to just give up over someone putting his foot in his mouth. Take care, Peace

Defend the C in Christmas!!

I want to watch this movie when it comes out. Yes, I prayed this morning for a sign of my faith this morning. Then I saw the clip for this Movie coming out this Holiday Season and it warms my heart. I never thought I would be considered controversial for speaking about faith and the love of Jesus Christ. I believe!!. Take care, Peace!!

Lets Dance!!

On an average day when I'm not over dramatic on my thinking I'm quite a free spirit. I'm usually the person you see in lets just say Walmart or Target dancing in the isles being all silly with my kids. I'm the one singing to the music while I'm shopping. I don't find this embarrassing at all. I see it as I'm having a good time with my family enjoy the small things life has to offer.

I would rather see a family having a good time then seeing some kid having a tantrum on isle 7 with their parent ready to pull their hair out. I also say Hi to everyone. Sometimes I get weird looks like who's this person saying Hello to me but that's who I am. I like expressing my positivity even when I could careless of being friendly. I don't like being serious all the time and so acting like a big goof laughing having a good time makes me feel good.

My kids are used to me singing so they don't think it's unusual when I start singing in stores while we are shopping. I'm sure they will think it's weird if other people who don't do it. Of course, I'm not belting out the word being disruptive when I sing and I'm no professional but it makes me feel good. I usually stop or don't sing if the store is busy. I am respectful to other shoppers. When my family is having a good time we end up having less drama. Sometimes it doesn't work and we're out of control but it reins in less drama when I start acting like a goof ball with my kids. It takes the focus off whatever meltdown they were about to have or meltdown I was about to have..lol!!

Just because I'm a Mother doesn't mean I have to be boring and act a certain way. Whatever moves you to be happy who cares how you get there!!

It's fun to not take life so serious and I enjoy being happy. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile. Take care, Peace!!

I live for sleep!!

When you go through something like real serious health problems and you don't get answers of why your body just doesn't want to perform as it should you do what you need to do to survive. That's sleep for me. I am lucky with having a supportive husband who gets up to deal with our kids during the night and gives me time to sleep.

Lately, it's been me getting up with the kids or if I still need more sleep I kick him out of bed to deal with the kids. Our family may not be the norm with our sleep patterns but you adjust to make it work. I seriously need sleep or I'm not good for anything.

Ever so often I need sleep. My body basically shuts down and demands sleep. I minimally sleep 8 hours a night and sometimes on weekends I take a 3 hour nap. I typically get around 9 hours of sleep a night and if I'm lucky 10 hours. I know that's crazy for some but when you have low energy related health problems you try to get all the sleep as you can. Like I said I have a great husband who allows me to get all the sleep I can get. It's nice!!

My sleep schedule kinda changed since my daughter has school everyday and gymnastics on Saturdays and now Church on Sundays so my sleeping in until 9am every morning is over. Yes, I said 9am with two little kids. We have trained them well and it's actually nice.

So I'm slowly adjusting to the sleep schedule but I'm still messed up at times.  My body is screaming at me about 1pm for the last couple of weeks to take a nap. My son still takes naps but my daughter doesn't and she's not old enough for me to just go sleep for awhile unattended.

I made the mistake once of doing that just taking a catnap on the couch when the kids were playing in there play room. I thought it would be fine because I was still close and if they needed me I was there.  When I woke up I found they got into the fish tanks and water was all over the place. I'm surprised none of the fish died and I learned my lesson not to fall asleep while the kids are awake. Big mistake....Huge!!

So last night wasn't the norm for me because I waited up for my husband to get home from his travels and I had a situation with our printer I needed to fix before this morning. My husband in his all knowledge of computer related problems fixed my printer. My daughter got her things printed out for her school project due this morning. I didn't get to bed until 1am and for me that's one enormous problem. That's real late for me and then getting up before 7am this morning well.....I'm kinda dragging. No amount of Caffeine can save me now kinda deal. I'm not used to this small amount of sleep. I want more. My body is craving for more. You can tell I need sleep because all the color drains out of my face and I'm a walking zombie.

It has been a challenge to rearrange my sleep schedule so I feel like I can get things done. Finding time for my kids and personal time with my husband and then taking care of my well being. I tend to fall short on my well being at times but my family comes first but then my husband reminds me I need to care for myself before I can take care of everyone else. Finding the balance within my life will take some time. As long as I have the energy I need to get me through the day everything will be alright. Now it's time to get some rest!! Take care, Peace!!

Indianprincess...this is me!!

Who are you? Well my real name is Darlene. I like writing about random things and most of the time I'm listening to some form of music. I am a wife to the most understanding and supportive husband and I'm a mother to two wonderful little kids age 5 and 3. I have lots of self anxieties which neither is a hindrance or a gift. I haven't made up my mind about that yet. I characterize myself as an awkward goof with a kind heart. I kinda get flighty when I feel like life is getting too structured for me yet I like to be laid back and that's another conflicting trait I possess.

My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?

Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!

I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.

I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.

I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.

Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.

I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!

This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!

It's just Hair!!

When I found out I was having a girl I made up my mind she would have long hair. My daughter will have long hair and that was that. Maybe my decision was because as a kid I wasn't allowed to have long hair. I can only remember having long hair twice when I was a kid but most of my childhood I had short hair. So I wanted my daughter to have long hair. I imagined doing cute pony tails, braids and using the cutest hair accessories. It was my dream for her. I knew how much I wanted to grow out my hair as a kid so I didn't give my daughter options. She has great hair and it grew out long and beautiful. I am kinda jealous of her hair and the color of her hair I've been trying to dye the same color for years.

So then 2 weeks ago my daughter asked me to chop off her hair. She wanted it short. I almost fainted!! It took her 3 years to go out her long wonderful hair. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get the courage to cut off her hair. I tried but couldn't do it. I could only manage 4 inches. Lets just say she's smarter then me because she told me it's just hair. I know it's just hair and I know it's not on my head but.......yes, it makes me cry. I am emotional about it. She just doesn't know she has hair most people damage and dye and are deeply jealous of hair like hers. My sister was the same way and I was jealous of her nice long beautiful hair too.

I'm just afraid she will miss her nice hair and maybe I'm living through my daughter by keeping her hair long but she's been asking to get it cut so I'm going to cry silently and do what she wants. She's been talking about short hair for 2 weeks. As much as I wish she would change her mind it's her head and I should respect her wishes.

"Mom, it's just hair" and I just need to breath and let it go because she's right. It's just hair and it can grow out!! Take care, Peace!!

Livin' on the Edge!!

Life's not that bad for me now but sometimes I just have to breath so I can step back to see the true picture of my life. I have moments in my life where I just want to scream on the top of my lungs, hit the floor and say not today. Sometimes I just have no reason of why I feel like doing that and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and need a break and it's my way of putting life into prospective. I have it good. I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones who has made it from darkness into the light. Sometimes I just need a kick in the pants to show me I don't need to live in my head anymore. My crazy mind doesn't need for me to suffer anymore.

I look at my beautiful kids and I'm happy and my relationship with my hubby is the best. My family has a great life, and we are secure and we have each other. I'm truly blessed to have a wonderful support system with my extended family and friends. I have to remember I made this life for me. I worked hard so I can give my children a good home. I work and I'm mindful not to take my marriage for granted.

Sometimes my old ways comes through in times when I'm self conscience and then my awkward control issues which gives me anxiety. I'm working on this. I don't like this about my personality but it's something I work really hard to control :)  Control...ha ha!! I'm working on my control over my control issues. That's kinda funny!!

Sometimes I feel like I am living on the edge of good and evil. It's a struggle at times because I know what I want and I know what I want for my family but sometimes when I feel like I'm at my more vulnerable state of mind I feel like doing something really stupid. Seriously I can get stupid!! Say No to Stupid!!

Lately I feel insecure about aging. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. I feel old and I feel like I look old and for people who know me knows I don't look old but I do feel old. I know it's a mindset but still. I feel like bitching!!

I get paranoid when I think this like my eating disorder is playing tricks on me like I know I will never be completely healed but in recovery so it freaks me out like I'm going to go down that path again. Then I get freaked out like maybe people will think I still have my eating disorder. I go places in my brain which is dangerous for my well being. I freak out and I over think to much. I stew over the stupidest stuff sometimes. My weight is an issue for me and it will always be an issue. I understand this and I know this but man, sometimes I wish it wasn't. I wish I didn't have a though in my mind that I should fit in a size two jeans then a size four jeans I fit into now. Then I feel guilty for thinking I should fit into a size two jeans and I should be happy at the weight and size that I am now and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Oh my, it's a never ending cycle of crazy until something happens that I realize what I'm doing is just plain whack a doodle.

How I deal with things like this is I start stressing over things I can't control. I know that's not a good thing where my head goes. Then it turns into down right freak out over things I can control like my house. I get bothered over the out of control my house seems. I like everything being in a place. I don't like clutter. I despise clutter so when I have three people in my house who are the opposite of me it's kinda hard for me to deal at times because I look around my space I call my home and things are piled up here and there. My hubby has his organized mess and my children have their toys everywhere. I get stressed my house stinks. Yes, I worry about my house stinking. It's overwhelms me. It drives my brain to the point of no return.  I'm a work in progress and trust me I'm not crazy like this all the time I swear. :)

Then I worry I'm sending out bad vibes like a certain someone will come back into my life and just mess everything all up for me because frankly, I don't know what I'll do in regards to this person. I say I can make great decisions but unless I'm tested by the Universe I won't know if I'll make the right choices. No bad vibes please!!

Then I have to remember the most important things to life. Does it really matter I have dishes in the sink for a day? Does it matter I didn't finish the vacuuming in one day? I fret over the small stuff and I'm learning to let go of some of my worries. Just let it go. Fly free worries and anxieties. Fly Free!! Life is truly a blessing. Take care, Peace!!

School is a Hit!!

So when my 5 year old Kindergartner came home from the first day of school she informed me school wasn't for her. She was not at all happy she had to work in school. She thought she would get to play like she did in Pre-School. It was a shock to her little system to say the least and she had enough of all this school business. That was it for her and no more school but I told her to give herself at least a week before she made up her mind about school.

Well it's been a week and each day the excitement of her day the moment she walks back in the door:
"Mom, they let me use a Computer today",
"Mom, they have a Music room"
"Mom, they sell Breakfast in the morning, can I eat there in the morning?"
"Mom, guess what, I can climb the rock wall in Gym class"
"Mom, they have a Library and I can check out books so you don't need to buy me books anymore"

I can go on and on. She loves school and gives me the low down each day about not making any friends yet. I'm glad she's enjoying herself but I'm not liking she only goes 2 1/2 hrs a day. I was shocked when I found this out when I registered her for school.

I'm impressed with her school so far and I don't have good trust when it comes to my children. If anyone is going to shrew up my children it will be me and my hubby not society. I'm very protective of them not to the point of sheltering them to death but making sure they have a strong moral and responsibility based on a good foundation. Life is yours for the taking and possibilities are endless but their is a way to do it without stepping on other people to do it. I will always teach my kids to work hard and not expect other people to just hand them things like entitlements. No one owes them anything.

I necessarily don't want my children to think like me neither but to learn to think for themselves and make up their own minds on matters that are important to them. I think my daughter will make lots of friends and she will be fine. Her curriculum for Kindergarten is a good program and her school so far is a good school. I wouldn't call it great but for a public school it's one of the good ones. In my own happy world I would have preferred my children went to a Private School because frankly they are much better but I'm not living in my happy world so Public School will just have to do.....for now!!

I enjoy her excitement and I love hearing her school stories. This year will be great!! Take care, Peace!!

The Tax System-Explained with Beer!!

I can relate to beer being a Canadian and all so I saw this online somewhere and it makes sense to me so I'm sharing it. It explains a lot and puts taxes into perspective.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:


* The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
* The fifth would pay $1.
* The sixth would pay $3.
* The seventh would pay $7.
* The eighth would pay $12.
* The ninth would pay $18.
* The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' 'Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.'

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:
* The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
* The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings) .
* The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings) .
* The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 ( 25% savings).
* The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).
* The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. 'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got $10!' 'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only Saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!' 'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!' The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier. For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanations possible.

I need to slow down!!

I like to smell the roses. I don't like being too busy like my life doesn't need to be full of clutter. I love to be laid back but this past week it seems like I'm on energy go full tilt mode. Not liking it so much. Both my kids are in school for the year. The family started going to Church which we travel to Vancouver, WA for because that's where our new Church is at. So each Sunday we travel across town for Church. I love it and it will be a great experience for our family. The kids love Sunday School and I love a little break from the kids.

I'm sure my life isn't as busy as other families but it's enough of a busy life for me. Waking up at 7am in the morning is a little off but I'm sure I will get used to it someday :) My daughter started her Gymnastics last Saturday and she loves it. Now we live near a Walmart we go once a week. Which is cool we save money on our grocery bill. I love saving money and who doesn't?

So the next big project is re-decorating and re-doing the floor in our family room. I picked out the paint color for the walls. I finally choose the hardwood floor color and I picked out curtains and what else?....oh, now we just need to find the time to actually get this big project done. I may post pictures if I remember.

Life's great but I do want to slow down. I don't want to be a mother running around with a tight schedule. Who needs stress? Take care, Peace!!

What? It's been two years!!

So cool for me to celebrate this blogs two year anniversary but unfortunately it was yesterday.  I must get on top of these things. I can't believe I forgot my two year anniversary!!  It couldn't be all that special if I even forgot...ha ha!! So I've been writing this blog for two years...yeah me!! What? I didn't think my attention span lasted that long. I must like being all full of myself to keep writing......about myself :)

Well, it's been great. I don't know what the next year will hold but finding out will be cool seeing how I don't plan ahead. I can't wait!! Well I got things to do!!! Time to party!! I can't believe I had the distance to write this long...I kinda get bored after awhile. Whoo Hoo!! Cheers!! Take care, Peace!!

Passport the Easy Way!!

It's finally the time to renew my Canadian Passport. This is try number two. I tried 3 years ago but I got rejected because my Guarantor wasn't on their list of suitable people like my Therapist wouldn't know who I am like that's crazy but oh well, things can't go your way all the time.... right? Then when I got rejected it took them 9 months just to send my application back with my original documents.

At the time I applied for my renewal I moved so I didn't know any guarantor for over 2 years. I had to wait at least two years to apply again. It was a mess and because I didn't have a valid passport I couldn't leave the USA so I have been stuck here like a prisoner. Okay, not really but if I went back to Canada to visit I would have had a hard time getting home. I don't want to be stranded in Canada not like I don't have family there or anything but still my home is in the USA now.

So Canada changed it's guarantor law again so I don't have to sell my soul to get the newest version of a Passport. They make it simple for us Canadian Folk to process our Passport Application when we're living abroad. It's kinda nice and makes you feel all fuzzy inside knowing it's not going to stress you out getting a little book saying this is you so you can travel. It's sad when a birth certificate isn't enough anymore.

It's quite simple filing out the application. I have everything all ready to go. I can't believe how simple it is. I just need to get some ink to print out my already filed out form, get my two pictures taken, get my guarantor to sign my copies of valid identifying information to say that's me, sign the form when I'm all done and send it off with my application fee.

I hope I don't get rejected this time around. It's not like I haven't gone far and beyond to give them my whole life story in my application. I have my adoption certificate, my marriage certificate, my Indian Status Card, my Driver's Licence, my Birth Certificate, my USA resident card and am I forgetting one? It's nuts of what they want plus I already have a Canadian Passport but it's expired as we speak but I also will send that in too.

It's just nice it's not a hassel anymore. I actually don't have to curse them a new one this time around like the last time. I can finally go on my merry way. Take care, Peace!!

Something New!!

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

These are some of the lyrics to the Song Reflection sung by Christina Aguilera from the movie Milan. I feel like that so often wanting to show what's in my heart but feel like I have to hide who I am. I'm not afraid to tell the world anymore. I'm going to stand up and be proud to show the real me and maybe I'll need help expressing myself through one song at a time.



I believe in being inspired by love, honor and just believing in yourself. I may not have the answers and I get discouraged but I know I have mended a broken heart, seen horrible things in my lifetime but I want to share all the good too. Life can be great and our world could be great. We just need to accept life!!

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

This song from Enigma touches my heart. I cry each time I hear it. I feel empowered with a sense of belonging to the truth and just following your own way in the world. The message is so powerful and speaks from the heart. The return to innocence. I can never turn back time but I can only move forward. I want to return to innocence and to believe in my destiny.



Life is what you make of it. I want my life to be the best it can be. Take care, Peace!!