Medical problems are a pain in my ass!!

I should be sleeping right now but I like to conflict pain onto myself and if I went to bed I would have thoughts running all crazy up in there in what I call my brain so I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so here I am tired like a crazy person. Sometimes I would love to live in my happy place where I don't have any medical problems what so ever!! I don't remember the last time I felt normal. Anemia, low blood pressure and everything else I have piled onto my life which runs me down to where I just want to sit in a corner and cry is just something I keep trying to remind myself I have no control over. It's something I have to live with and learn to deal. I have to deal and most of the time I just deal but there are other times like most of the time I'm trying to figure out how to deal. It's so hard and being run down I just have to bitch about it. Bitching about it feels damn good. So I'm getting tired of this yo-yo cold I've been fighting since Halloween. It could be the piggie flu but who knows but when I think I've recovered it comes back full force. I have a good day where I can actually breath to the next day my head is stuffed full of shit and the pressure is just to the point of not killing anyone. I seriously want to be so over and done and would like to have my sanity back if that's possible. I would have a happier life is I was feeling better. I think the kids will remember this faze in there life as mommy being a crazy person on steroids. There is only room for one drama queen in our house and that's momma bear right now. I'm not surprised our daughter is also a drama queen having melt downs every chance she can get lately, It's not like I'm breaking down and crying every second but really I would like too. I'm just a total bitch with no patience more often then I would like. It's so not me. I'm the happy go with the flow kinda gal and this period in my life is not one of my finer qualities I want to admire or teach my kids. I seriously need a chill pill. Vacation from my life is what I really need and if people know how that's possible do tell I would like to know. I sure need a serious break. I really don't have patience for when people get sick and complain how bad they feel because frankly I feel bad every day. I pick myself up every morning and find the strength to take care of my kids and make sure our house doesn't implode so feeling sick doesn't get any sympathy from me. Live in my shoes for a day and you wouldn't be complaining anymore. Just think of feeling the worst you have ever felt when you were sick and remember I feel like that on a good day. I haven't really talked how bad I feel or explain how I feel because what good will that do and it's not like anyone can do anything about it and my Medical Doctor's don't know what to do about it but tell me to exercise like I understand the concept of exercise and how wonderful it is to the body like you don't need a degree to understand why it's good for you but they can't wrap it around there educated brains if I attempt to exercise like they are asking me too I will land myself in the ER. Are they prepared to pay for my medical bills when this happens? I get at least light headed 5 times a day and that's on a good day. I'm not passing out anymore thank god!! but I have two little kids I have to take care of during the day. My hubby is wonderful already when I get too worn out to care for them but he can't be rushing home all the time taking care of me and the kids. He has to work because he makes the money and I can't risk him losing his job because I'm trying to get the proper amount of cardio I need during the week. I don't need my children to get used to seeing the inside of an emergency room neither. I don't think the Doctor's also understand taking care of two young one's is work and tidying a house is work. If that's not exercise I must be on a loony train. These educated Doctor's don't actually consider my taking care of two little one's as the right proper amount of exercise I should be doing. What I want to do is tell them where to shove there educated diploma's. So I'm doing what I can do to find the inner strength to get though the day in one piece with the goal to have two happy kids, a nice tidy house and a good marriage. Take care, Peace!!

Holiday here we come!!

I'm just warning you my grammar stinks and when I'm tired it sucks even more. Okay carry on!! So I typically decorate the house after my birthday but this year I decided to do it early because I figured next weekend was just cutting it too close to Christmas. I didn't want to feel like a scrooge waiting the week before Christmas to decorate the house. It got very hairy there for for awhile today with the kids getting into trouble by not listening to me. I think my blood pressure got in the Normal range which for me I'm sure it could have been a nice ride to the ER but it didn't happen. Thank you!!The kids got way to hyper for my liking and getting into things they shouldn't. The hubby was working most of the day and I didn't get a lot of help from him which was okay with me because his major project is almost finished. He helped when he could, yelled at the kids for me when they weren't listening to me and we just kind of tagged teamed the craziness between his answering his phone and working. It was kind of nice actually having him working from home so I could get things done and have his help when I needed him. Thanks Honey!! The house is done and I'm so tired, my back is burning and my body just can't handle the simple task of decorating the house. I wish I was well as in health and wish it didn't take all my energy to do something wonderful as putting up a Christmas Tree and decorating a house. I went really simple this year just the fact it almost killed me last year and I promised I wasn't going to go crazy. It still almost killed me this year but I finished and I'm done. I still feel winded so I'm going to sit here write this post. I'm going to listen to some music and wait until my laundry is gone so I can get a good nights sleep. I can get some good sleep so I can wake up early to get the daughter to school in time. I think I can breath again. Finished!! Yeah me!!! I rock!!! Okay, I'm really tired, run down like wow, I haven't felt this bad in awhile. The way it looks I think the decorations will kept up until Easter. The thought of having to take it all down in a few weeks back in there boxes is giving me anxiety. I just can't handle that thought right now. Seriously, I'm freaked out!! I think I want some patience for Christmas. Sometimes I feel like I'm way to hard on the kids. The daughter was a big help with the tree and for a 4 year old she did really well putting the ornaments on the tree and the son not so much. I have to give him credit he's only two. He wanted to help with the tree and was stacking all the ornaments on one branch. It really did look funny and after some hair pulling it got done. It would have been better less the drama but oh well, it's done and now we all can enjoy it!!! So I'm going to take my anxiety self and relax for awhile. My nerves are on fire like seriously my body hurts that bad. I would hate to see myself run around the block I think I would pass out. So have a great Christmas or Holiday. Take care, Peace!!!

Night and me!!

So I got myself a night guard because little did I know the stress I have built up I've been taking it out on my teeth. Oh my, so last Tuesday I went and got my fitting and should I be excited? I have to wear this plastic fake teeth to bed like a long lost friend keeping me safe from myself. I feel like such a geek but hey, if it keeps my teeth from falling out or needing to be fixed every couple of months then so be it, a geek I feel. So the first night I wanted to take that sucker out several times. It just didn't feel natural but I knew I had to wear it for the good of my teeth so I hung on til morning. I didn't get much sleep but now it's been 4 night and now it feels like I've been wearing it my whole life like when I wear contacts I feel naked without my glasses but that's another story. So it's almost my birthday and I feel so full of myself because what's the big deal of one day of your life? I think I'm just self centered and when my birthday is here and done I can go onto thinking of more important things like Joe Flanigan for example. I heard through the grapevine he's going some Western Movie/show. I'm not much of a fan of Westerns but seeing Joe as a bad ass sheriff then maybe I'll watch a Western. I don't know much more of this project when it's coming out. I'll just keep an eye out for it.

Just have faith!!!

Life can sure give you surprises. I've been feeling really uneasy lately and I've been having dreams of breakups and heartbreak. I'm thinking what's up with that? and could it be because my hubby lost his wedding band but that couldn't be it because I've been having these dreams longer than his lost ring. Maybe I'm just going a little nuts being couped in the house for so long but I could go out and socialize with the world but I've been battling a serious cold for the past month which to me seriously sucks because this bug just doesn't want to leave. I don't know why it's not like I'm not already broken already. Whatever the reason I've been sticking to napping in the afternoon when my kids are napping and I've been listening to a good lot of my share of music. I wonder if my mood could be from finally watching New Moon. I love a good love story like the rest of you and I'm so team Edward hands down. Sorry Sweetie, he's sweet!!! I think I'm just crazy. That's it, I'm just crazy and I shouldn't fight it any longer. Okay, I'm not crazy but seriously what's up man? Oh, right Christmas is coming up and I'm not thinking about it yet but this weekend will be putting up the decorations. Christmas always makes me happy so I'll have to think harder. My daughter has a wonderful gift she wants to get for her father and I would post it but someone reads this blog I don't want him to know how thoughtful his beautiful smart 4 year old is and what she's getting him. (wink) If I remember after Christmas I'll post our daughters thoughtful gift to her father. I was so touched it almost made me cry. Oh right, it's my Birthday coming up less than a week away. Makes me blue every year. Sigh!!!! Cheer up, it's not like I don't like getting older I do but sometime in my life I'll actually embrace my Birthday with bells and whistles and cheer myself on but until then...well boo hoo!! It's my Birthday I'm allowed to feel less than excited. Maybe I just need to have faith in my own life and not worry so much of my inner demon's trying to taint my life's journey. Until then I'll just remember what's important with the love in my life. Take care, Peace!!!

Way to go it's cold outside!!!

Okay,it's not like I enjoy being sick and the family is slowing coming around feeling better except for a little bump in the road with our son this week. I call them fake pox as in the Chicken Pox but they weren't the real deal. We have been giving him some Benedryl and it seems to be doing the job. It's time to move on with this cold for the Holiday's. How shitty that is to be all stuffed up for the Holiday's all diseased and alone because no one wants to be any where near you. Hopefully that won't happen this year but if it does I'm sure my little family will still have a wonderful small Christmas without the whole family being around. The Joy of the Holiday Season. I'm enjoying that I'm not in all the Holiday rush trying to buy presents and getting the house ready. I always give myself a plan so after the 15th is done I get in gear and get things done like decorate the house, buying gifts, mailing thing off if need be etc etc etc....love my plans and I haven't failed yet. Why I wait until after the 15th you may ask? Because my Birthday is on the 15th and as a kid I always felt cheated because my birthday was so close to Christmas. Some people would combine my presents because it was so close to Christmas in no regard to my feelings like oh sorry, I hope you don't mind only getting one gift this year because it's so close to Christmas we'll just give you a bigger gift instead like the price mattered to me. It just sucked and thinking about it only gets me thinking bad thoughts. I was bitter as a kid for the longest time so when I became an adult I decided I wasn't going to start with the Holiday cheer until after my Birthday so I can pretend my birth meant something special. We have this small black cat hanging out in our backyard once in awhile and it's been getting so cold at night I've been worrying about this cat. Does it have a home? Should I leave food out for it? Should I call someone but then it could belong to a neighbour and it's an outdoors cat but then it doesn't have a collar? So may questions to think about and as much as I would give it a nice home we don't know if it has diseases and then we're putting our other two cats at risk. I don't like animals to suffer and I'm worried for it especially now it's getting so cold at night. Oh, so I've been trying(with no effort) to pray with my daughter because she wants a white Christmas and I would rather it be sunny and warm. How can I say no to praying with her when she gives me those pretty please's? So maybe we can have it both ways. I guess we'll wait and see. Take care, Peace!!!!

My Bible and me!!

I believe any one's faith is their personal journey. My journey with God started a few years ago. Sure I have beliefs but the more I study the bible and read about Jesus it makes me feel like I have more of an understand about life. I always believed in a higher power but I never reached out and tried to learn more. It was a part of my life and was just there but I never cared or wanted to learn more about the bible or God. I actually turned away from God when I was a teenager. I didn't understand why he would allow me to be in a position of abuse and personal pain. I gave up on him for guideness into my life. I really reached out to God during my daughters pregnancy. She too me was a miracle child and under science shouldn't have been born healthy but she did and she was my gift from God and the same way with my son. With all my medical problems carrying him he also came out healthy. Sometimes God shows up in the little things and it's up to us to accept them or not. I wouldn't call myself born again as some call it. The only way I think you can be born again Christian for example if you walked away from the church and then came back again. I think I was always aware I had faith more to Christain teaches them other religious institutions but never cared to learn more then wait I just believed in my heart. I always prayed but the last few years I've wanted to learn more of bible teaches. I find reading passages in the bible fascinating and I haven't really changed my lifestyle from after I started reading and doing bible study.

Sleep..I want some of that!!!

My family got hit with some sickness last week. Could it be this piggy flu? I don't know but it sure bite us all in the ass and what's so weird is we all were affected differently. The latest is our little boy. He decided to power puke most of yesterday afternoon and cleaning up a cranky two year old is like scratching your fingernails down a chalk board. I'm a paranoid mother and we had baby monitor's in our kids rooms even though they really don't need to have them in there but I need to feel secure that my children are fine while I'm sleeping and to keep tabs on them at night but a few weeks ago both baby monitor's decided not to work anymore. That's fine the decision was made for me to get over my fear and let them be. Yesterday even though I knew my little boy was sick I decided to let him sleep in his own room for nap time. Why wouldn't he want to sleep in his own bed? I figured he would be fine in there and he's a sleeper so I wasn't worried to much but when I went to get him up I realized he power puked all over his carpeted bedroom floor and all over his bed. Bad mommy is how I felt. If I only had that baby monitor!!! My poor little boy was alone with no one to comfort him in his time of sickness. As the paranoid mother that I am and to feel like I'm getting back into the good graces I decided to sleep with him last night so if he got sick again I'll be there. Well I managed to sneak in his room without waking him up climbed into his bed and fell asleep. Then it felt like I just went to bed and the boy informed me he had a poo in his pull up. So we got up and went downstairs and I couldn't figure out why he was walking so weird in my not so awake state until I opened that sucker up and an explosion of poo was everywhere. I just happened to look at the clock and it was 4:30am. That's fine because he needed that nastiness of a pull up changed but not like me who could easily go back to bed the son felt it was time to start his day so here the both of us are up in the middle of the night watching the Disney Channel and eating fish crackers. Go mommy!!!!! Where's my coffee? Take care, Peace!!!!

He reads this blog!!!

I was very surprised when my hubby told me he read my blog. I was looking at my sitmeter the other day and once in awhile my sitmeter doesn't block my own cookies and when I'm working on this blog it will log myself as a visitor. When this happens I have to destroy the cookie and get another one to block and I'm all fine again so here I was sitting there like come on, not again so here I was talking to the hubby about my frustration and he told me he reads my blog. I think I was in shock. I have to admit I was really surprised and more like that's cool. It makes me happy he comes here for a read. I don't know why he wouldn't but we talk all the time so it didn't occur to me he would come here and read what I wrote. He's been really supportive of this blog and knows all the hard topics I have talked about like I said if anyone wants to know more about me just read this blog so maybe he's likes to know what's in my head at times. It just makes me feel like our marriage is going to last for eternity and I may not thank him all the time but he really gets me and I don't feel like I have to be someone I'm not. He loves me for who I am the good, bad and the ugly. I enjoy writing and I enjoy the process because most of the time I don't know what to write about so I pick something in my head and I go with it. Whatever comes out I write and most of the time I'll re-read what I wrote and add more stuff but I haven't deleted anything because I have this blog as adult content so I feel good enough to let it be. My writing is my thoughts at the time and I've gone back to read some of the stuff I wrote and I even can't believe I pressed the send button on some of that stuff. It's like why on heaven's earth did I allow myself to write about that or maybe I should have wrote more about that topic. I can even surprise myself at times how far I allow myself to go. I don't get much visitor's and I'm sure I could do something about that but I don't. I'm not here to be popular but I'm pleased for the people who do come here and read what I have to say. Some of the entries I have on particular people like Joe Flanigan gets good hits. Ha!! Who can blame people, the guy is hot. My obsession of the guy is funny. I have a story about him but I'm not going to talk about it. Karma bit me in the butt about that one so I'll keep it between me and my hubby. That's my secret I only shared with only a select few. It's nothing illegal so nothing to worry about. I'm just smarter than I believe to be and I haven't figured out if that's a good thing or not. So I'm actually happy my hubby wants to know what I write and supports me on this. Thanks so much the best hubby in the world. I want to do you proud. Take care, Peace!!!

All I need is Music!!!

I sure love listening to music. Know matter what's going on in my life I can listen to music and everything seems like all the pressure of life just makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. Lately I've been putting more music into my life. I don't know why I go though days without listening to some form of music. My kids love listening to music with me. I tell them to just move with the songs and sometimes we just dance and move with the melody. We might go to see The Imagination Movers in Concert in December. I hope we can make that work but it's so close to Christmas so we'll have to see. I'm also planning the family vacation trip for next summer and I'm so hoping for Canada. I haven't been back for so many years. I miss my family and that's the one sad thing about moving away from my family and friends is I never get to see them. I just have to understand I moved away for love. It sure makes me sad though no matter how I try to make myself feel better about moving away. The family(friends who became my family) was there for me when I needed a rock and an anchor in my darkest times and I appreciate the love and support. How crazy it must of been like to let me go like that but that's what I needed at the time. Looking back now, it was the best thing I needed to do for myself. Wow, it's been 11 years since the hubby and I met in person. I was a 23 year old University Student working at a Hotel just decided to buy a plane ticket and go after my destiny. I could have been just a little crazy but I did it and it's apart of my history. It's crazy how life happens sometimes and now I'm listening to music remembering all my crazy times, stupid things I've done and all the wonderful moments of my life like giving birth to my two children. I sure lived a wild life. I remember a time when Dirty Dancing was so popular and it was the summer before the 7th or 8th grade. Was I 12 or 13? I can't remember but anyway Dirty Dancing was popular and my friends would sing and dance from the soundtrack for hours. I remember my parents wouldn't let me listen to certain music(everything that was there kind of music) which was everything popular and I would put headphones on and I had this crappy music player but I would get this radio station from Boston and I could only get it at night and it was like the top 100 songs or something like that. I felt like a rebel doing something I wasn't allowed doing but when I heard my mother doing laundry I would put something else on so she wouldn't catch me listening to something I wasn't supposed too. That sounds so crazy but you would have to know how my mother was at the time. She wasn't all that nice of a person to me back then. She had to control everything but she tried so hard with me but I fought her hard and I just learned how to be sneaky, secretive and closed down when I was around my mother. I wished many nights of why I was adopted and if I could have another mother but that's what happens when you're living with an alcoholic. My mother denies to this day she was a bad mother but when you're being controlled my alcohol you most likely don't remember half the shit you did. I fought hard to stay clean and my wake up call was when I broke my arm to realized I had a problem back in 2003. I didn't want to end up being like my mother. I'm almost 35 years old and I feel like I've already lived a lifetime. My kids lives are going to be different then my childhood. I would be happy if they learned of my life but only experience maybe a quarter of it. I did have great moments in my life especially with friends. Wild times!!! Never forget about your past but live in the present and work towards the future. Take care, Peace!!!!

Depression is beneath me!!!!

I swear I get paranoid about Depression because I've been told it's in my DNA and I have family history of depression so it's like I'm always looking out for the signs of depression. It's like I doubt myself thinking maybe I am depressed but I really don't know. The doctor's were concerned after giving birth to my first child I would have serious post-partum depression but I didn't. I think I fought so hard to have my daughter I wouldn't let myself not bond with my daughter. It's wasn't an option for me. I do know I get a little blue in the fall and it could be a mild depression but it also could be my allergies get really bad in the fall, the weather could be a factor but it's not like hey, I may have a problem I should go see a Doctor and be put on drugs. I've tried anti-depressants before not for depression but for my eating disorder and hey, my body did NOT like those pills. Talk about Depression. I think I was more messed up on anti-depression drugs then before I took them. A drug to change the chemistry in your brain to me doesn't seem good. I'm not an advocate for drugs but hey, if they help other people then that's great for them but not for me, I didn't feel normal on them. You would think they were supposed to help but I was a numb shadow of my formal self and no, I didn't think they helped me. I managed to get though 4 years of therapy without drugs because I feel like drugs only mask the problems and I wanted to deal with my post traumatic life head on and work through it and I felt drugs wouldn't help me work through all that mess I called my life. I'm so self aware of depression I think I may push myself towards depression because I'm so freaked I may get it. It's like this doom I have over my head. Then I think okay, I may get depression and is it really the end of my life? I may never get depression on the fact I'm so worried I may get depressed. Sure I get sad and it's normal to be sad at times but my life doesn't stop when I get sad. I just listen to some music and cry my heart out and then I'm all fine again. This time a year I think about depression more because I do get blue feeling. I'm not as social and I tend to keep to myself but like I said it's the time of year. I don't feel so good this time a year with my allergies and other factors so of course, I just want to be a hermit for a month or so but it's not like I lock myself in a hole and just give up on living. Okay, sometimes I want to do that when the kids are screaming and running around and my head wants to explode from all the loud noise. Being serious again. I think I'll be okay and maybe it's a good thing I'm paranoid and I'm more aware of depression so if my life starts to slide downhill I'll have enough smarts to get myself help. Until then I'm just paranoid. Take care, Peace!!!

7 Years ago!!

Wow, last Sunday was my hubbies and my 7 year wedding anniversary. We should have been in Reno but that's life. Instead we took the kids to Dairy Queen and just hung out at home. 7 years ago was a wild time for us. I just got back from a 51 day stay in Canada finishing up my paperwork to become an legal alien resident of the United States of America and I had to get married in a 90 day period once I arrived in the USA or my visa would expire so 3 weeks later my soon to be hubby and his parents and I rented a Toyota Camry and drove to Reno, Nevada to get married. I don't think we ever had a plan really but drive to Reno and get married and I didn't expect much but to have a good time. I'm sure if we had planned it right we would have put our trip off for 2 weeks so we could have gone to hear Jouney in Concert while we were in Reno. Who knew but maybe it was a good thing because we almost didn't make it to Reno. The highway going over the mountains near Shasta closed after we got through and I mean just nearly getting through because my father-in-law had to walk in front of the car to see where the road was because of the massive snow storm in the mountains. It was crazy scary but we made it to the Sands Casino like 6am in the morning and we were all dead tired. The day we got married I didn't know what I wanted to do with my hair and lucky for me they had a hair salon in the casino and I got my hair done professionally. It was perfect. I didn't have a wedding band so I went to the gift shop and bought a $2 mood ring. I couldn't have asked for a better day even though it was raining like mad. I don't know if you have seen the movie The Princess Bride but our minister sounded just like the minister in that movie. The hubby and I were trying not to laugh. After we got married we were like now what and we went back to the Casino and because we got married on a Friday it was Karaoke night. Our song would be forever Elvis Presley: Can't help falling in love. Some dude sang that for us and we danced to it. I would have preferred Aerosmith: I don't wanna miss a thing but everything can't be perfect. That night we also went over to the Atlantis Reno and Resort and fell in love with the place. We go to Reno whenever we can and stay at the Atlantis. That's our place!!!! 7 years have been a wild ride for my hubby and I. Take care, Peace!!

times stands still!!!

This past weekend was just a blast. The son was too cute doing the whole trick or treating. His speech therapy is doing some wonders. This August after his surgery he's doing leaps and bounds with his sounds. He's having problems with his "a" vowel but his e, i, o, u vowel's are coming along great. So when him and his sister went to the first house I heard him say Yum Yum's. He did that to each and every house we went to. So cute. So Sunday rolled around and I was too tired to do anything so I figured I would start a new book. I love reading and it's a good escape from the world for awhile. I figured I would read The Host by Stephenie Meyer. I sure loved the Twilight Saga so I figured I would check out her other book. I would have to say the whole body snatcher idea has been over done but I liked her take on it. I finished the book this morning and I enjoyed it greatly. I'm glad I go on my daughter's schedule or I wouldn't know what day it would be. I started the book Sunday and now it's Wednesday and where did the time go. I just got wrapped up into the story I couldn't put it down. I watched V last night and afterward I figured I would read for awhile and then go to bed early. The hubby says "Oh shit it's 1:oo am" and I was like WHAT? The hours didn't seem to go that fast while I was reading this book. So I forced myself to put the book down and go get some sleep. I hate having to put a book down when the story gets good because I'm nosy and have to know what happens but it was 1am and I needed to get some sleep. Wednesdays are my long and hard days feeling like a single parent. Tomorrow is our family vacation. The hubby has a week off starting tomorrow and I'm so loving it. I told him I'm going to get as much rest as I can. I hope the house doesn't implode because I decided to sleep in a few extra hours. Lots to do this week and then on Sunday something special is happening. Love life...Take care, Peace!!!

Things are lost!!

I lost my cell phone yesterday and I'm really bummed more than I should be. I'm in a panic because I have photo's of my children on that phone. My hubby called the phone thinking it was in the house somewhere and it went to voice mail which is weird because I never turn the thing off and I always made sure it had full battery power. It's somewhere and I want it back. We only went to one place yesterday and the hubby went back to the store today and no one found it. I know it's just a phone BUT MY KIDS PICTURES ARE ON IT and some stranger could have it which makes me panic even more. I don't want some stranger looking at pictures of my kids and I don't want to think about some stranger looking at pictures of my kids because it just freaks me out. I try to protect my kids and that's why I will never post any kid pictures on this blog because really I don't know a large percentage of people who read my little blog and no offense I have a small circle of family and friends who I trust but not so much strangers on the Internet. The hubby disconnected my phone last night so whoever has it couldn't use it and I'm just praying it will be returned to me safely. So I'm without one of my lifelines. It's a fixture of my being and I feel safe with it knowing if I need to call someone here it is beside me. Okay, little dramatic but hey, that's just me. Take care, Peace!!!

Music is my saving grace!!

Life can get to dang crazy at time and the only way I can clear my head is listen to music. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately over nothing really. I put the kids down for their nap today and I felt like an anxiety attack coming on. I felt like I was suffocating so I decided to put my headphones on and listen to some music. It helped me in so many ways it's hard to explain. All the tension I've been feeling kind of just lifted off my shoulders. I should put my music back into my daily life again. I keep forgetting how much I appreciate my time just listening to music. No one can take this away, not even bad music. Most of the music I have on my blog I listen too and I should do it more often because even though some of the songs I feel like balling my eyes out or getting up and singing my heart out I love the meaning behind the songs. It helps me get out all the emotions I have within myself and it's like a release. I'm glad I have a healthy way to release all the tension because really I know from experience it's not good to keep things all kept tight in your soul. Music is my therapy and sometimes I feel sad listening to a song because it reminds me of a moment in time and then I'll listen to music being reminded why life's great. When I'm done I feel so refreshed and the feeling feels great like my own personal high. I just want to get up and do something and whatever struggle I have seems to not be so huge before I started listening to music. The end is good and some of the songs it reminds me how lucky I am to have a great husband and family. I have a wonderful support system who have my back. I have a lot of love in my life. So I'm sharing this with you. When life seems so hard just listen to some music, so be in your car on the way home from work or after the children go to bed. Find some time to just be by yourself and just crank up the tunes. Sing or don't sing but let the music go through you. Cry if you need to or scream your head off but let all that tension out. One thing about music is it doesn't judge, doesn't talk back and it's just you and the music. You can even control your emotions by music so if you're sad because of a breakup or you lost your job then listen to sad and depressing music then turn it around to inspirational music to upbeat music. Music can be a tool to get out all the emotions you need to get out to just release it to the universe. No one has to know about it. For example I needed Cindy Lauper today True Colors exactly. Here are some of the lyrics: You with the sad eyes Don't be discouraged Oh I realize Its hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small But I see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colors True colors are beautiful, Like a rainbow Show me a smile then, Don't be unhappy, can't remember When I last saw you laughing If this world makes you crazy And you've taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know I'll be there This song touches my soul because I needed this song today to remind me life gets hard at times and no matter if things get so crazy it's okay to feel crazy but in the end everything will be all right so be crazy for awhile because life is wonderful and you just have to believe in yourself and ask to for support when you can't bare to be you. Leaning on something greater than you when you just can't at time doesn't make you weak but makes you a stronger person then most. There is no shame in asking for support even if that means just being by yourself for awhile listening to music you love. Take care, Peace!!!!

I am my own strength!!

I was asked recently about being in an abusive relationship and they wanted to know why I stayed for so long. I was 15 when I met the guy. He was 4 years older, my parents hated him and I wanted to get another boy jealous is why I pursued this relationship plus I wanted a high school boyfriend. Ha Ha and I don't think I ever found out if I made the other guy jealous or not. If I did he never told me about it and no one told me if he was so really, that was a lost cause. So funny trying to make another boy jealous and so high school. :) You don't go into a relationship with someone thinking it will turn abusive but over time it became one. I saw the signs right from the beginning but I ignored them. Some of the signs: I wanted to hang out with my friends he would get angry with me because I wasn't spending time with him. He would tell me he hated my friends and I shouldn't hang out with so and so because of this reason. Silly, looking back I had so many chances of just walking away. I figured I needed to understand this part of my life journey. There was a reason I went down this path in my life. The relationship didn't get physical until years into the relationship but in the beginning it was more verbal. I went into one abusive relationship to another. I was trying to escape my parents abuse and walked right into another. My faith was sealed and the only thing my mother taught me was to not give up on the one's I loved even though if that relationship was toxic. When we first started dating it was fun, we got along great but then he started making me choose between him and my friends to the point I was kind of isolated from my friends because this sounds so cheap I wanted to make him happy so I stopped hanging out with my best friends. It was great for him but shitty for me and at the time I was so clueless because I wanted to make him happy but when you're looking at the situation from the outside it was so easy to judge but when you're smacked in the middle stuck it was so much harder to just walk away. It's the pull on the heart strings and he knew just what to say to make me coming back for more. I really wanted this relationship to work and the problem with love you seem like a failure if you don't at least try to make it work. Thanks mom but I realized not every relationship is worth saving. The longer the relationship went the harder it is to just walk away and say not anymore. I tried so many times to just walk away and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready like more scared to fail then anything. It's hard to get the courage to just pack your bags into the scary world on your own. I wasn't ready to fly on my own two feet. I was to dependent on him financially so I was drilled to think. I had no money of my own and if I got money it went straight to him. I didn't think I could make it on my own and when you start to believe the bullshit it makes it that much harder to think you can do it on your own. The pulling back and forth, the screaming, the name calling and it's just a bunch of chaos you can't seem to escape. I was lucky to have a great best friend and her family because I don't know if I could have left when I did. They showed me how I was worth having a good life without all the pain and being hurt on a regular basis. I don't think my best friend really believed me when I called her and told her I finally left him for good because it took me two long hard years to just say I'm not going to take this life anymore. I was always saying I'm going to leave but never did. I think I was becoming a broken record. I'm going to leave him, I'm going to leave him, I'm not happy I'm going to leave him after awhile it just gets faded into background noise. I needed to prove to myself I could stand on my own two feet and follow my dreams then someone else. That's all it was I was following his dreams and what he wanted and who cared what I wanted. Looking back now there were many factor's why I stayed for so long. I was running away from a bad abusive home, I wanted attention and someone to love me, I wanted to finally feel special and I wanted hope. Hope was the one reason why I stayed the most. I say hope because I was searching for a better life. I knew my parents couldn't give me the safety and security I needed and the hope I could find better. That dream shattered the night he beat me up for the first time. It wasn't about hope anymore but survival. I know my family and friends were telling me he wasn't a nice guy but I needed to make that choice for myself and all those times I felt defected it didn't help having people tell me I told you so and as stubborn as I am I just wanted to prove to them more I can make this relationship work. Really, I truly wanted this relationship to work because I loved him. With all the cheating on both our sides in the end their wasn't anything else to fight for. The relationship wasn't worth fighting for anymore. I was at the end of my rope. This relationship lasted for 7 1/2 years. Do I have regrets? Sure I do and I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through the pain of seeing me in a relationship like that. I regret not trusting them more knowing they were only looking out for me and I didn't want to listen. I regret walking away from great friendships and missing out on getting to know my sisters more. So yes, I have regrets but this may sound weird I do not regret being with him. It's not one of those situations where I wish I could go back for a due over because it may have changed my life journey and I like where I am today. I truly believe in my heart I needed to experience this life journey. It has made me stronger, more understanding of other peoples lives, I have more compassion and the love for life. Do I still love him? Sure I still love him but not the same way I love my husband and children. He's still apart of my history and I wish him the best and we may not be friends anymore but I don't hate him. I have forgiven him along time ago. I have moved on. The one thing about our relationship is we did have a lot of great times together and that's what I miss the most are the good times and the trips we went on. We sure had some wild times and that's what I want to remember than those times which were painful and dark. I walked away a better person and that's what I want to remember as well. No regrets and yes, my children will know about my history. My hubby and I made a promise before we got married we would never keep secrets in our family and that includes our children. When they are at an appropriate age I will disclose my history and we will talk about it. We're all human and I want my children to know their mother made mistakes but this is what I learned and did about it. Life is hard at times but I also want them to know I picked myself up and moved forward one step at a time. Take care, Peace!!!

Here we go again!!

Whenever Fall rolls around I just want to curl up in a bubble and hide. I'm so overwhelmed I'm considering going back to drinking....seriously I will not do this because I understand for one I'm a bad drunk but I've considered this deeply. I have a sick child, my eyes are hurting like crazy because my allergies hate fall and I need a break so I can sleep and just be a lazy bum for a few days. The hubby gets a week off in November and we were planning to go to Reno for our anniversary for 5 days but with our not so good money management we could go but then wouldn't enjoy ourselves to have a wonderful time so we decided not to go to Reno this year. I'm still crying about not going to Reno. I should get over myself but hey, I'm a drama queen and I understand where my daughter gets this from. Anyway, drama queen or not I was looking forward to Reno for an entire year and then bam, it's not happening so I'm being drama about it. Back to my allergies. I don't know what it is about fall that turn my eyes and skin into an itchy pain fest. Maybe it's because it getting colder and I close the windows and turn on the heat. Whatever is the reason I just want to curl up and cry. My eyes right now are two shades of red and it looks like I've been crying for days. My skin feels like a Brillo pad and I think I scratched off the first layer of my skin. I'm not a pretty sight at the moment. The hubby says I still look sexy but sometimes I wonder what he's smoking because I would love some of that right now. Take care, Peace!!!

My crazy Life!!!

One of these days I'm going to go on a strike but at this moment I'm afraid too. I feel like all I do is clean and tidy after everyone but me. I know I signed up for this but come on I didn't think it would be this bad. I'm cleaning until the cows come home and then another days comes around and guess what I'm cleaning some more. I don't have a problem with cleaning after my family but man, if I put it off for an hour it's like a tornado has taken over my house. I'm tired of tripping over toys and I have threatened the children if they leave the toys in the kitchen I will give them away to children who appreciate the toys they are given but until I follow through with my threat they keep putting the toys where I almost have killed myself on many occasion. Please, let me have some sanity for one day. My hubby keeps telling me our house should look like people live here and I know but I have this fear that someone will show up unannounced and judge me for the state of my house. I want to be a good mother and also keep a nice house. I think I'm failing on the keep of a nice house. Maybe other mothers have this same fear but I want a nice house where you don't have to step over something. We do have a playroom where the toys are supposed to stay but tell that to a 4 year old and a 2 year old. At least, I have a master bedroom that is tidy and clean except when the hubby goes to bed and his day clothes are just thrown onto the floor until the next morning when I pick them up and put them into the hamper. My space is my space and if it wasn't for a nice sanctuary I call the master bedroom I would be insane from the insanity of a mother. Yes, I will have to say being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done because not like other jobs where you go to work and then come home it's 24/7 365 days a year with no breaks especially me if I'm sick I still have to work. Last night I couldn't sleep for the life of me so I got up early this morning because the daughter had school today and then taking care of a 2 year old with sleep deprivation was daunting. I was dragging my feet trying to figure out what needed to be done today. Laundry needed to be folded and put away, the dishes needed to be put away and I had wished I got better sleep. I guess the Stargate Atlantis episodes didn't give me some nice dreams of Joe Flanigan. Oh well, maybe next time. Maybe I couldn't sleep because Wednesday's I call my hell day. It's the longest day I have to be on my game because the hubby works late and I have to deal with two cranky kids until he gets home or I have to put two cranky kids to bed by myself which is a pain because neither one of them are happy about it because their routine is off and I'm having to explain why Daddy isn't home yet. I love my cell phone and it's not like anyone calls me on it but it's my lifeline. The hubby calls and I know he will be home 14 minutes later and I can go hide for a little while and just enjoy some peace. It maybe for 5 minutes but I enjoy those short minutes where I can get focused and just remember why I signed up for this. I do enjoy my life and most of the time it's great watching my children grow into wonderful children. The hugs and kisses are the best and they are great but then they can also make me want to pull my hair out screaming my head off running out the door wondering why I signed up for this. At the end of the day while I'm sitting on the couch watching my favorite shows relaxing from a stressful day I know tomorrow can only get better because one day my children will clean up after themselves. Take care, Peace!!!!!!!

We got in the Program!!!

Yes, I've been so worried the last couple of days. The son had his Early Intervention evaluation today. It lasted two hours and questions upon questions while the son played and finally near the end got the good news he got in the program. We start sometime around the middle of October. His case worker will come to the house a few times a month. I don't have to worry anymore and I'm so glad he will get the help he needs to help him talk. He did really well in other area's of his development and when he turns 3 he will be evaluated again for Early Childhood Special Education. Things are looking up for him getting the best support. I can only do so much and having a professional coming to work with him I'm hoping to see some improvements in the coming year. He's my little buddy and I want the best for him. I'm so so Happy!!! Take care, Peace!!!

Speech Early Intervention!!

We noticed when the son was 18 months old he wasn't doing his regular baby babble that most babies do. We went to see his Pediatrician because at this time we didn't know what was normal. The daughter was talking in small sentences at 18 months and apparently she was advanced for her age so we got concerned. The Pediatrician recommended we see a Speech Pathologist so there we went for our first evaluation and that was almost a year ago. She's been working with him and the son definitely had some problems talking. Last August he had surgery on his tongue and he has improved some but not where he needs to be. He has his County Early Intervention appointment this coming Thursday and I'm so hoping he gets into the program so he can catch up. He's 2 1/2 and some kids do talk late but his speech therapist thinks he needs the help and it has nothing to do with talking late but he's having problems pronouncing the words. Right now he's only saying less than 10 words. I'm just praying he can get the help he needs and the County thinks he's worth helping in his development so he has a better chance to talk like kids his own age. Take care, Peace!!

Continuing working the program!!

Well things are better and once I finished the last post I went and ate something. I know it's alarming but I don't think I could not eat on purpose anymore like I used to before I got therapy. I'm going through a rough patch but I think I was over analyzing the situation and got myself all in a fluster the other day. I tend to do that but when something is bothering me I tend to over react and I'm working on it. Man, I feel silly but now I know I still have things to work on and that's a good thing. I'm learning not everything has to be trauma. Well this is an update post from the other days post. This post will be short because Wednesdays are my very long days because the hubby comes home real late so I don't get that extra support and help with the kids especially when I'm not completely 100% better. Today was just crazy with my daughter having school and my son having his speech therapy appointment. I know that is nothing to some people's schedules but to me today drained a lot of energy out of me and I'm so deadbeat tired I have to go to bed so I can be refreshed for tomorrow. Life is actually good but sometimes you have to get over small bumps or try to heal old wounds. Take care, Peace!!!!!

Just one of those struggles!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I have some serious blues and I can't figure out why until I was sitting on my couch this morning worrying about my weight. Man, sometimes I wish I didn't have an Eating Disorder and I can just have my thoughts without my thoughts tainted by destruction and self pity. The last time I went to the Doctor back in July she said I had to gain some weight and I was like Hell no. I will not gain weight on purpose. Okay, I maybe underweight to everyone else but to me I could lose more weight but you know I have a hard time with the word weight. When it comes up I just want to crawl in a hole and not have to think about it and hopefully if I don't acknowledge it maybe somehow it will just go away. I don't like dealing with things which are hard for me to handle but this morning I'm freaking out about my weight. I tried to eat some food this morning and something I enjoy eating but I couldn't put it in my mouth like it was diseased and the most grossest thing in the world. I tried some fruit but no I just couldn't touch the stuff. I haven't eaten anything today and I really don't feel like eating and that alarms me. I'm so frustrated with myself. I understand I should just eat something and what's the big deal but to me and anyone who has ever dealt with this disease knows that's the hardest thing to do is just go eat something. It's like the fear of heights. The anxiety level right now is through the roof as we speak. I want to be real about this and sometimes when I feel like this I want to go hide my head in shame and close myself off to the world. This is my shame, my pain and my dirty little secret but I know by just running away from it all isn't going to help me any or my family. I need to talk about it and just let my feeling fly free so it's out their and then I will have to be accountable to this disease. I feel like I'm in transition because I can go months not being bothered by my eating disorder and than BAM it's in my face making me feel so insecure and then I want to just cry. I want to cry and I don't want to deal with this but I know it's important to because this bump in the road isn't going to fix itself if I just ignore it. Man, I wonder why I put myself in my own self drama because it hurts? It's like the time I used to be a self cutter. I know I never talked about that time in my life before and it's the first time I even mentioned it. I don't think my close friends or family even know about that but hey, I'm keeping it real so it's out their now. When I used to self cut the release of self pain felt so good. I enjoy conflicting pain on myself like it was my own satisfaction and I looked at it as Look, you can't hurt me like I can hurt myself. I know that's twisted thinking but when you lived my life and was treated the way my parents treated me you kind of get a little dysfunctional. It was like I was releasing the intense pain I was feeling in my heart. I was in my early twenties when I started with self cutting and it ended as quick as it started. As much as it felt good in the moment I was afraid I would get caught and it was so different then getting caught being confronted with an eating disorder because you can deny and deny you have an eating disorder but with self cutting you leave evidence behind. You can't deny self cutting no matter how hard you try to hide it. I guess I'm just trying to say is I want to conflict pain on myself and years past I did this to just feel something. What I want to feel right now is my guess. I know it's something serious because I don't get in this state for no reason. Maybe in the next couple of days I will figure this all out so I can get back on my path of healthy living. Take care, Peace!!!

One year later!!!

It's been almost a year since I started this blog. It's been a year since I decided to start an online blog which I have been neglecting these last few months but like I said before I haven't had that much to say. My daughter starts school on Wednesday and my family has been sick for the last week and I'm starting to feel the pressure and I'm almost down for the count. I seriously need a vacation and November better come quickly because I'm losing my cool and frankly I love my cool so when I'll slowly losing it I find that pretty disheartening. I'm not that nice to be around when I lose it so seriously I need a break. I think the in-laws are going to babysit this weekend so the hubby and I can take a short break for one night. Looking back reflecting on my one year anniversary I have learned a lot about myself and the hardship I shared about my past to where I am today. It's been a wonderful journey and life is good even though the little things can drive me crazy it really has been a good time in my life. I am blessed to be me and I love my family so much. My children are the best even when they can drive me up the wall to no end. What is life if your children can't drive you crazy at times? It's part of life and their are days where I feel like a broken record or days when I feel like pulling out the little hair I have left or flustered when the kids are screaming in my ear when I'm trying to cook dinner or breaking up fights between the two kids but it's all in the name of life and family. The best days are when at the end of the day I feel like I have failed as a mother and my children curl up with me on the couch and gives me the biggest hugs and kisses they can give. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a mother but then I have to remember all I can do is be the best I can be and think realistically that not everyday will be good and not everyday will be a bad but enjoy the time you have in the moment. I shared so much of myself this past year from talking about eating disorders, telling you about my crush on Joe Flanigan, talking about my family to expressing myself with my thoughts even though I got a few emails from strangers saying I talk to much about private matters. Oh well, then don't read my blog is all I have to say to them. I talked about my health problems and right now I may have a cold the last few months have been getting better. I don't have that many Doctor's appointments and I'm going every three months for blood work so it's better. I have more energy to get things done and I'm not struggling on a daily basis so life is great or more to the truth it's wonderful. Thank you for coming on my journey with me. Take care, Peace!!!

Family Fun Day!!

Friday turned out to be a great day. We had a few bumps during the day but over all it was great. My son's Elmo was lost for a little while and the panic set in on where he was left. We went to lost and found, no Elmo. Baby Elmo is a fixture with my son and he takes it everywhere he goes so when it got lost I wasn't going to stop until I found him. The hubby and daughter found him with the little train conductor. He was keeping it safe until we came back to get him. He told the hubby he knew we would be back seeing how my son was holding onto it. We appreciated it greatly. Our daughter lost her ride bracelet and the hubby went to the go-cart ride and the operator found it under the seat of the go-cart she was in. At least, the daughter got to go down the big slide for free until we realized it was missing. The grandparents came with us so the hubby and I got to do some rides together. I'm so glad the grandparents were involved going on the rides with the kids. I never had that with my grandparents and feel like I missed out on things like that. I lived in a different Country with my grandparents and when we did visit we never done anything like that. I'm just happy my kids have involved grandparents and we're truly blessed and I know my kids will cherish these times with them. The hubby went with our kids God Father (very good childhood friend of my hubby) to Pumpkin Ridge for a round of Golf. He said the course was gorgeous and hard. He also told me how much membership cost and I'm glad he got to go for free. It's great to know people who can hook you up with things like that. I'm sure my hubby will remember getting to golf at a PGA level golf course. Well I have nothing else to say so next time. Take care, Peace!!!!

Kids and welcome Moonwillow1974

Well the daughter is going through a faze where she's letting us know what's on her mind and some of it is nice and loving and other times not so much. The hubby got the brunt of it on Sunday when he went to guys night the night before and the daughter told him she didn't miss him and felt okay with it. I'm sure hearing that really burned his heart. I don't think anyone wants to hear that especially when it came from your own child. I'm a SAHM and I spend the majority with the children and maybe I'm here all the time the daughter hasn't told me I'm the worst mother in the world yet but I sure it will come and I'm prepared as much as I can be prepared and I'm sure it will burn when it goes happen. I felt bad for my hubby to hear his daughter didn't miss him and was happy he wasn't around but then again I'm glad it wasn't me. I have joined Skype. I have no idea how that thing works and I have it downloaded to my computer and I still have doubts it free or how to contact anyone on it. I think it's like how I felt using Twitter for the first time. I didn't know what I was doing and now I feel comfortable using that service. I guess with anything new I get a little intimated until I get used to using it. I'm welcoming Moonwillow1974 which is my Skype name. I would have used Indianprincess but it was taken so here is my new name for Skype. One of these days I'll figure it out!!! Take care, Peace!!!

All great in my world!!!

My son's surgery went well. We got up the crack of dawn Monday morning to head over to the surgery clinic and was home by 10am. He was a little drunk and loopy which lasted a few hours but he didn't seem to be in pain and was his old self by the evening. He had his speech therapy appointment today and he's making more sounds and said a few more words. I'm such a happy momma. Our daughter is home and our family feels complete again. Yesterday evening we kind of missed her and the house was so quiet and it just didn't seem right she wasn't with us at home. Our son needed the rest and he recovered faster than I thought he would. He's such a little trooper. Now our house is settled down and the next big deal will be when my daughter goes to preschool in September. It will be another adventure!!! Take care, Peace!!!

So much Drama so little time!!

My son's surgery is coming up on Monday. The daughter is having her first sleepover with her Grandparents Monday night and I'm organizing my house because I'm not happy. It's been so long in the making like 2 years worth. I'm a tidy freak and I like to have things tidy and in a proper place. When I wasn't on the best of terms with my health I had to let things slide because I didn't have the energy to do anything about it so I just let it slide off my back but now I can't stand my house and I realized I live with a crew of slobs. Now I got myself caught up in a continuing cleaning frenzy. WHY? Cleaning is my middle name. I feel like I'm just running around cleaning and then having to start cleaning some more. It's been crazy lately. I've been trying to entertain a preschooler who is bored out of her mind. I have a son who seems to whine all the time over the littlest things and I keep daydreaming for a nice vacation. Okay, it's not all that bad. I did sign up for this but sometimes you just have to complain just to get it out and move on. My son got his potty the other day. It's a little frog potty and he likes to sit on it while he watches TV. It's so cute. Well I'm hoping my son's surgery goes well and with the help of his speech therapist he starts talking and that my daughter has fun on her first sleepover. Take care, Peace!!!

I'm back!!

I'm kind of slacking on my blogging and I really don't have an excuse of why. It could be I'm just lazy or I just might have other important things to do but really it's because I don't know what to write about. I should be writing more but you know how it is. Well My vitamin D levels are back to normal and I'll be taking vitamin D pills for the rest of my life but it's better than feeling run down all the time. My energy level is close to normal as I can get. I'm still tired because of the anemia but it's manageable so I can function on a daily basis and do more things with the kids. Our son has his tongue surgery on August 10th. I have to admit I'm a little scared for the little guy. He doesn't like Doctor's or anyone poking at him so it's going to be hard watching him cry but it has to get done and hopefully it will help him learn to talk. He's doing really well in his speech therapy and the daughter is sleeping through the night again. If I have to live with hearing a fan, noise machine, and a computer screen blaring in my face during the night for her to sleep soundly throughout the night then so be it. She's sleeping which means I can sleep. Yeah!!!!! I'm so proud of my kids and life is good!!! Take care, Peace!!!!!

Who are you?

It's a pondering question to who is Indianprincess. Well I'm just a women with a wonderful family who has struggled to find herself in a world of chaos and experiences. I never try to be someone I'm not. I use Indianprincess as a handle to protect my family and myself because this is a world full of the crazy. It's a world full of crazy who feel they need to know everything about you to bully you, make fun of you or just stalk you because they feel the need to fulfill something they are lacking in there own lives so what can you do from people like this?..... you use a handle plus please don't poke the crazy and eventually they go away or move onto someone else. Alright because I've been to hell and back many of times and I'm in a state of peace within my heart and this is me. I've gone down paths in my life I can say were tormented and destructive but I managed to find the strength to over come some bad times and live the life I always knew I had with in me. I wouldn't say I found God but I learned with an understanding to be the best imperfect person I can be with a good heart and live a life I can appreciate and respect. I wouldn't call myself wise because who makes a wise person anyway. Does having an education make you wise or having life experiences make you wise? I kind of have both an education and life experience and neither has made me wise so have I not learned any thing or does being wise have a higher purpose to make someone gifted beyond their years to considered being wise? I just know I'm where I'm supposed to be and maybe my purpose in life is to help someone by telling my story or just to listen. So I'm asking you, who are you? What is it that you feel you're not getting in life and why haven't you changed it? Maybe you're like me where you feel you are where you are meant to be. It's a great feeling knowing you are content to just be the best person inside and out. Sure money matters and living with more but knowing right now at this moment in time you can say if I died right now I lived a good life. I have lived a great life. I learned how to forgive. Forgiving myself the most was the hardest for me but one day I decided to just do it and let go of all the pain and anger I had in my heart. It wasn't that hard because before it was hard to hold on. I made the decision to just let it all go and my life wasn't so complicated anymore. Who knew pain and anger was the reason I wasn't happy with my life and the consent struggle to search something that I had in my heart all along but was denying myself to accept. We all have our life journey's and it's our choice as humans to decide what path to follow. I decided to follow my heart and to make choices for myself which will give me the most inner peace. I know I'm a good person and I know I someday I will look back on my life and say I did it right. I found my purpose and I guess you would call it the meaning of life. So I am Indianprincess who is just another person doing the best I can in a world full of crazy!!!Take care, Peace!!!!

sleep deprivation

I feel like I'm living in some punked world. My hubby is ready to have a nervous breakdown from lack of sleep. Our daughter is ready to be given away. Okay that's stretching it but don't think it hasn't crossed my mind. We are lost for words. Here I'm slowly getting better and then bam the daughter doesn't want to sleep anymore. First it was she was thirty in the night to she needed help with the bathroom to she had a nightmare to she didn't want to sleep by herself to down right scream fests when she doesn't get her way in the night. We are being bitch slapped by a 4 year old. We don't know what to do and it's getting pretty old. Kids go through life changes but come on, this is frustrating the hell out of me. I love my sleep and the hubby has a stressful job in which he needs his brain to function. What are we supposed to do? We tried her sleeping in our room on the floor but apparently she thinks we have given her a new playground to play in so we kicked her out. We tried giving her love and encouragement but then she wants more. I've been reading online parenting tips the last few days to help figure out what we can do to help her sleep. We're at our end and with lack of sleep we can't think straight. Tonight we're getting her ear plugs and maybe that will help her with the noises out in the world so they don't scare her. We're thinking of switching bedrooms so her room isn't in front of the house and the noise level won't be as bad. We're grabbing for straws right now and trying everything. Nothing is working....nothing!!! Right now, I'm going to go and drink down as much caffeine as I probably can so I can take care of my kids today. 2 weeks of broken sleep is catching up to us and I think the hubby needs some extra support because he's not taking this very good. I feel bad for him and I want to do something but I don't know what to do to help my family. Take care, Peace!!

Timing is not all what's it's cracked up to be!

Well the last few weeks it's been an upward happiness for me. My health isn't quite there yet but I'm feeling better and getting more energy which has been keeping me busy doing things around the house that I have neglected for the past few years. The weather has turned for the better and I've actually enjoyed taking the kids out for longer walks twice a day and just enjoying my health and feeling better. Well all was going fine until the daughter decided she didn't want to sleep in her room anymore. First it was she was scared, then it was she was thirsty. This lasted a few weeks to going on a month and more excuses. Then last night it became into a full blown out tantrum until she got herself in a frenzy she couldn't stop. The hubby got her calmed down and after everything special was taken from her room, a bribe for ice cream for breakfast, to all her toys taken away she finely fell asleep on our bedroom floor. I'm worn out and tired but I would have to say it's not from my health this time. It's from life. Why can't I just enjoy this time without feeling run down from something? Okay, I think I need to act like a kid and have a tantrum to get it out of my system and move on. I can't be outwitted by a 4 year old. Being a parent is tough and I don't like having to be mean and take my child's things a way but I can't be having my 4 year old sleeping on my floor neither. I'm sure everything will all work out some way with everyone happy sleeping in the right bedrooms and I can relax and actually feel 100% again. Take care, Peace!!!

Seeing the light!!

Well I believe the tide has turned and I'm slowly feeling better. I'm going on more walks with the kids and I don't feel like I'm ready to die after 15 minutes. I can tidy the house without having to stop every 5 minutes to sit down. I actually played with the kids this morning and didn't get lightheaded for once in a very long time. Even though life throws you a curve ball and you feel like this couldn't get any worse it can but I managed to keep my spirits high these past few weeks knowing I will someday feel like myself again. It's amazing feeling knowing you got some answers without coming out short. I don't have serious brain fog anymore and I think that feeling was the worse. I'm surprised life kept on going and the house didn't fall apart. The kids are in one piece and the hubby didn't leave me..ha. Just kidding about the hubby. He's a good man and I'm going to keep him around for along time. He's like my hero and he may not look at it this way because he loves me and we're a family in good times and bad. It's been a struggle for him working long hours and then coming home and working more hours getting things done and taking care of the kids when I needed a much needed rest. He's my rock and I don't know if I would have made it this far without him. I don't know any time when I would call him at work saying I can't do it anymore and him saying sorry I can't come home but instead he would come home and take over where I left off. He also has a great employer who understands his responsibilities of his family and his job. I'm very blessed. Take care, Peace!!

Life is trucking on!!

Okay, I know I haven't posted for awhile but it's been very difficult for me for the last few weeks. I feel like my body is fighting with itself. I figured it would take some time getting used to my Vitamin D medication so I've expected this chaos of bodily pain. The worst symptom is the brain fog and the abdominal pain like someone is ripping my insides out. It's not pretty but I know it won't last for ever. I will write more when I'm out of the fog!!! Take care, Peace!!!!!

I have Brain Fog!!!

Well it's been a week since I started my new medication and frankly I'm excited but my body has other idea's for me. I barely made it through my son's birthday party last Saturday and my brain is so fogged I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm a mess but I'm hoping it only lasts a few weeks. I can't write so this is going to be very short because I can't think and already I'm sure this all doesn't make sense because I'm having a hard time writing. Take care, Peace!!

Vitamin D Deficiency!!!

I don't know if I'm going to cry or laugh with joy. My body has been falling apart on me since my last pregnancy with my son. I finally got my answer today and the Doctor called saying yes, I had Vitamin D Deficiency. The blood test is called 25-hydroxyvitamin D test and 25(OH)D levels should be between 50–80 ng/ml, and my level was 10. I've started my new drug Drisdol. I take one pill once a week then in three months I go back and take the test again to see where my blood level is. I feel like I finally got some hope. I was at the end of a rope I was desperately trying to hold on too with no safely net to catch me if I fell. It was very frustrating banging my head against the wall with the medical profession I felt wasn't listening to me. So as of today, I have Diabetes (cross between type 1 and type 2), Anemia (thinks it's due two various causes), Orthostatic hypotension (irregular low blood pressure), and various complications it's two many to count. The one problem I have is dealing with severe fatigue. It is frustrating talking to my Doctor's and explaining I AM super tired ALL the TIME and lowering my way of life to the point I can barely function during the day and them telling me I shouldn't be that fatigue and my thought was something is causing me to feel this way. It's like do you think I enjoy feeling this way because it sucks and I get so frustrated and I wasn't going to sit back and accept my life would be like this for the rest of my life. I wanted answers and hope. I have a life I want to live and do things with my children instead of sitting on the sidelines. I have to work around my energy levels and hopefully I might not be doing that anymore. It's like looking at the life you want through the window but you can't touch it. I don't like feeling so sick all the time. I don't like feeling I'm not in control of my own body so today I may have gotten my prayer and answer I've been waiting so long to hear. So my new chapter to my journey starts today. I'm going to fight to get to a healthier life. This is my new beginning. I hope you will join me along the way through my good days and some of the bad. I just know life will get better for me and I can fully enjoy my life and maybe on my new journey my body will finally work for me as each day goes by. Take care, Peace!!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

So no sleeping in late for me but I'm not complaining. I've been busy today but the family got me a nice picture frame and some cards that made me cry. I got a cute video from my mother in law saying I was mother of the year. It made my morning. My father in law sent me a wonderful email from Iraq which also made me cry so basically I've been crying all morning and on top of that I got to clean the house in peace with no children getting under my feet. It was the best so this has been a wonderful day so far. The house is clean, the children are happy and I'm Mother of the year. Ha Ha!!! I'm going to go and relax and read my rag mags. Happy Mother's Day!!!! Take care, Peace!!!!! (Okay, I started this letter a week after my daughter was born and finished it a month after my son was born.) My dearest daughter, you have been a beautiful blessing my sweet little bundle of joy. I will fight for you, give you love, encourage you when you need me, I'll guide you as best as I can. It's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. I don't expect you to be perfect for I am not perfect. We can go on this journey of your life together. I will watch you grow into the person you were meant to be to see you shine as the beautiful girl you are with a special place in my heart. You father and I love you and it was a difficult journey how you came into this world I would do it all again because you are worth it. I am proud to be your mother. God Bless! I sit here once again writing this letter after giving birth to a health beautiful boy watching him sleep while his big sister cradles her doll beside him. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be in a place where I knew what I was meant for...being a mother. I found my place in life my family is complete. It will be a wonderful journey of laughs, cries, good memories, not so good memories but I promise you my two wonderful children I will always fight for you and protect you the best way I know how and if I don't teach you anything I just want you to know I will always love you. I got the best three gifts of my life, your daddy and the both of you. Take care my babies Mommy loves you!!!!! The other day I was doing some spring cleaning on my computer and I found this letter I wrote two years ago. I think the anemia is getting to my brain because I don't remember writing it. It has been a journey of one I didn't expect but life isn't perfect but it's what you do of it that counts. I wouldn't change the last four years of my life because of my kids. As much as I'm guiding them they are teaching me more about myself and how to be a better mother. Once again Happy Mother's Day to all mother's out there. Have a great Day being a Mother!!!!

It's been a crazy day!!!

I think I'm going to cry. Today started off on a bad note waking up at 7:30am and then hearing the son cry so I went into his room and he's rolled up in a ball with his butt in the air. I tried getting him to calm down but he wouldn't so I took him downstairs and changed his diaper. He had a really bad diaper rash. It looked all raw and painful. I cleaned him up and we said goodbye to the hubby for his day playing golf. I wanted it to be a good day but things happen. On top of the son having the biggest diaper rash of his life the daughter has some stomach flu and has been running to and from the bathroom all day. I'm physically tired and I should be taking a nap but the daughter kept waking up the son to play so now I can't take a nap. Running around taking care of both kids when they both needed me is hard and I wish the hubby was home helping me out. I can only do so much and not enough hands to help me do it. I don't know when the hubby will be coming home and it could be in an hour or hours. I love my kids and I'll do anything for them but help couldn't come soon enough. I'm so tired and worn out. I need a break but it looks like my break isn't coming any time soon. Please God let me get though this until the hubby gets home. Rest is all I ask!!!! Take care, Peace!!!

Life moves on!!

Wow, I'm slowly having some time to breath. This past week has been busy and the hubby had a week of vacation we thought it would be a week of just relaxing but instead we are running around with appointments and such. I thought vacation is to rest and reflection on life to figure out how to enjoy time and family but instead we are running around. I think I'll take a break in the next decade. Oh well, at least I'm being honest about it :) I knew we should have gone to Reno for a few days. I went and found myself a new Doctor. The other one I had was nice but she couldn't help me any longer. I'll be calling tomorrow to find myself a new Hematologist also because the one I'm seeing isn't doing anything I feel is helping me so it's time to move on. I got some of my tests results back and those one's have come back in the normal range. Most of those tests were from my yearly Diabetes routine blood tests. I am waiting for the big test, a new one which I'll be waiting impatiently for. It's the 25-hydroxy vitamin D test to measure how much vitamin D is in your body. I'm being tested for Vitamin D Deficiency. I think I've been tested for everything else but not this test. I'm really hoping this is my answer to all my problems and it's treatable with drugs. I started taking drugs for my Orthostatic hypotension and it took what almost 6 months to get that taken care of. I'm not looking forward to get my A1C back because I know it will be high. The A1C test is the diabetic test to see how controlled your Diabetes have been controlled over a period of months. My last A1C was 6.5 which is okay. Doctor's like Diabetics to be around the 6 mark but under 7 is ideal. During pregnancy they want you around 5 which can be done but it's not something I could do on a forever deal. My doctor's prefer me to be between 6 and 6.5 because of my Diabetic Retinopathy(eye disease). I would rather not have to get laser treatments again and if my Diabetes is under a certain number it puts strain on my eyes so I can't be too low or of course, too high. My weight is good and has been stable for the last 9 months. Other than having a large amount of blood drawn my health is stable as in no more new medical problems to deal with. I'll write when I get my very important test back. You think what medical problems I don't have...cancer...I don't have cancer.....I am blessed I don't have cancer!!!! Well my son had his speech therapy appointment and we decided to put him in the early development program to help him with his speech. I know he's only two but he's way behind at his age and like I told the hubby it doesn't hurt to help him now before it can become a serious problem later. He was so professional at his appointment. I think it was because his sister wasn't there and it was something fun for him. He got to play with toys at this appointment and point to pictures so to him this was easy. I also made Hearing appointments for the whole family. I know the daughter has wonderful hearing but it's good to have a base hearing test for her so in the future she needs another hearing test they already will have one on file for her. The son needs one with his on going speech situation and I figured the hubby and I should get out hearing done too. Well I finally gave myself a break but soon I'll be baking a cake for my hubby. It's his 35th birthday today. Happy Birthday sweetie!!! Busy Busy Busy!!!! I'll slow down sometime in the future. Take care, Peace!!!!

Insomnia and Are you prepared?

Well it's late on Wednesday night and I can't sleep. I should be sleeping seeing how I have to get up at 7am tomorrow morning for my son's 2 year wellness check up. Yes, my son is officially 2 years old. He turned 2 last Friday and we had a small party with cake and he blew out his own candle to the surprise of his big sister who wanted to do it for him if he couldn't. She was not happy but forgive him when she got her rather large piece of cake. I think I can't sleep because I have a million things going around in my head because of my emergency preparation checklist. Sorry if I start to ramble and my thoughts don't make any sense. I tend to think quicker than I can type so sorry in advance. I have so many thought about if my family is prepared if something happens and we end up stuck in our house or we have to evacuate and do we have the supplies for that? I have lists upon lists of things I want to get like last night we went grocery shopping and got extra non perishable food. I stocked up on extra toilet paper, paper towels, Lysol sprays etc. I have 3 large bags of supplies just in case of a emergency but it's like I'm thinking I'm forgetting something important for my kit. Someone will think I'm going a little crazy about stuff like this but hey, I would rather act crazy and be prepared then have an emergency like this Swine Flu (sorry the H1N1 influenza A because we don't want to discriminate against the Pig) being a major problem and not being able to take care of my family. I want to be prepared and like last fall I had a major panic attack because I felt we weren't prepared so I made a list and one weekend we went and bought everything off my list. I felt a little better after but realized we weren't prepared. Far from being prepared but my family is now. If you go to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) website here :http://emergency.cdc.gov/preparedness/ there is a section to help prepare yourself for an emergency. I actually got my checklist from the American Red Cross but they are both the same sort of lists. I like to be over prepared and I keep adding to my kit and they say to have two week worth of food for each family member so I want to have 3 weeks worth. My children are unpredictable when it comes to food like after a growth spurt they can eat more and sometimes they don't eat a whole lot during the day. I know I will never be 100% ready for anything because my brain doesn't want to go there and really it's just depressing thinking about the what if this happens? and so forth. No one really wants to think about the sad outcomes of disasters. I don't like thinking about it so I don't but like I said it doesn't hurt to be prepared as much as you can and hey if nothing ever happened most of the stuff my family has from my shopping spree we can use for camping when the kids get older. So it's like a win win situation. I would do anything for my family even if it means I'm acting like a crazy paranoid disastrous freak who can't sleep and stock piling my emergency kit and making lists of things I feel I need to have. So my question of the night is : Are you prepared? Take care, Peace!!!

Busy week and New Obsession..oh my!!!!!

Well Easter weekend was great and my mother came into town Sunday night. I was a little stressed but I think I was reading into something which wasn't there out of habit. I'm just used to the past and had my guard up and I don't need to do that anymore. I think I'm not angry with my mother anymore which is good because the pain was horrible before. I can say I'm over the pain. It has taken me years but I feel like the chain has finally been released from my heart and my mother and I can have an adult relationship. Don't get me wrong I will never forget what she has done to me but I forgave myself and allowed myself to heal my heart. I say I forgave myself and not my mother because I wasn't allowing myself to forgive. I was afraid if I did start forgiving I was condoning the abuse. Once I realized I could forgive and not forget the pain slowly lifted from my heart. It's not like I was afraid to let go but more I was afraid I was accepting the abuse if I did. If that makes any sense.

The kids had a wonderful time while my mother was here and the son said Grandma. It was so exciting. He'll be two next Friday and he's finally having interest in wanting to talk. This past week he's been trying more sounds and trying to speak more words. I think he's going to be talking soon and I can stop worrying my little head. It's so hard when the daughter was talking great by two so I was worried my son wasn't going to talk. He didn't have any interest in making any sounds besides crying and screaming before. He rarely said momma and Daddy so this past week was exciting hearing him trying to make more sounds.

I got to start reading my new obsession the Twilight saga. The hubby and I had seen the movie a while ago and it was good for a teen flick and then moved on. On one of our weekly trips to Target I decided to pick out a new book and happened to see Twilight on sale so I picked it up. I heard the book was better than the movie so I wanted to check for myself. I was kind of curious what the hype was all about like when Harry Potter got popular. It's like you have to read the book so you don't feel like you're missing something being left out I guess. I didn't start reading it at first because I was too busy getting the house ready for my mother so the hubby started reading the book first. He was into the third book before I began the first to give me a head start. I read books fast and sometimes I can read a book in one day depending how good the book is. I found some time this week to sit down and start the first book. I would have to say the book was way better than the movie by far. The movie Twilight was a good movie and entertaining but the book was so much better and I couldn't keep the book down. Lucky my mother was in town or I would have seriously neglected the children. I finished all four books and was pleased to get my happy ending. I was wishing through the whole series I wanted my happy ending. I would have been so upset if I didn't. I don't get when the love story turns out bad and that's why I don't read romance or love stories because most not often then not the girl doesn't get the guy. I don't like tragic love stories because they just tear at my heart. It's the happily ever after I love and if it doesn't happen I get disappointed. Who doesn't want that?

On Thursday night the hubby and I had a date night and we went to see a movie Fast and Furious. It was a good movie and entertaining and after we were done I wanted to go and buy the Twilight movie. While we were at the store I bought the soundtrack too. I would have bought the 3D poster but I would have felt foolish because I'm not a teenager anymore plus where in my house would I put it so I just downloaded a Twilight Wallpaper for my computer instead. I want to know more about this saga. The second movie New Moon is being filmed and will be out in November. The hubby told me a friend of his said the author Stephenie Meyer was going to do the first book in Edwards point of view called Midnight Sun. Apparently some of her transcript from Midnight Sun was leaked over the Internet and she's not going to finish it. I'm quite disappointed. You can go to her website and read it. http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/. She has the first 12 chapters on her website and I loved what she had written so far. It made the other book Twilight better and the movie made more sense. Edward made more sense after I read Midnight Sun the first part anyway. I just had to laugh when the scene in the movie when Bella walked into the Biology Lab and met Edward for the first time and then putting Edwards point of view with it.....lets just say it was funny!!!!!! I would think of ways to kill her too. I just fell in love with the story and the characters are intriguing. Like Edward tells Bella in the movie she's his own brand of Heroin. The Twilight saga is like mine and I have to have more. I got sucked into the books, movie and whatever will come of Bella and Edward. I have to talk about Alice. She was one of my favorite characters. I would have liked Alice if she was a real person. I didn't think it would affect me so much after reading the books. Geez, it's only a couple of books but the storyline was so good and it's wanting me to have more. Like Edward said in the movie "Yeah. Um... I had an adrenaline rush. It's very common. You can Google it." So I have been googling for information about Twilight...maybe I should go to bed now.................................................................... :) Okay Take care, Peace...

There is no hope for me so save yourself!!!!!!!! Oh the horror...I got bitten by Twilight..Ha Ha Bitten..get it!!!!! Okay anyway maybe someone out there is obsessed or more obsessed then myself... I have to ask a question...are you obsessed with Twilight after reading the books? Do share? Leave me a comment!!!!

It's Good Friday!!!! and some celebrations!!!!

It's Good Friday and my 100 post. I can't believe I wrote 100 posts from September. How did that happen? and like I have that much to say. I love writing even though I suck at spelling and grammar and I'm going to celebrate this fine accomplishment by doing nothing but clean the house and get ready for my daughter's special day dinner. We celebrate Good Friday other than the religious aspect of it by giving our daughter a day to appreciate the day she was born. 4 years ago she was born on Good Friday which the hubby and I think is something special for her. It's like a second birthday without a party. We will have cake, presents for both kids and some quality time enjoying this fine day. I think when I started this blog I didn't know how much I was going to write or what I was going to write about. I did know I was going to be real. Everything I talk about from just everyday stuff to the real personal private stuff I wasn't going to mask my life behind someone I'm not. My blog is real and that's how I like it. This is my life and I'm not ashamed to share it. So yeah me, I manged to get to 100 and hopefully people who come here learns nothing but some craziness. Thanks for enjoying the ride called my life!!!! and for my regulars and you know who you are thanks for coming back to read what I have to say...thanks so much for coming to my blog. For any newcomer, I hope you come back if not that's alright too!!! Enjoy your life!!! Take care, Peace!!

I'm busy but not really!

Thanks to Gateworld I've been waiting for the pictures of Joe Flanigan from last weekends Stargate Convention. I checked last night and they were up...Finally!!!! I can't believe I forgot about the convention especially when I first found out Joe Flangian was going to be there. The hubby thinks my obsession of this man is funny. I can't help it because he's hot..you know good looking. I just have to say his wife is one lucky women.

I keep thinking if I ever met the man how would I act. You know embarrassing the hell out of myself by saying something stupid or tripping over my feet and falling on my face. I keep wondering...I may end up just not saying anything or I'll babble. I do that sometimes when I meet someone and neither I am shy or I'm so nervous I'll talk my face off. I guess the conclusion is I will end up making a fool of myself some way or another. Maybe it's a good thing I haven't met Joe Flanigan. I wouldn't want to be not cool :)

So the rumor's are the Stargate Atlantis movie will be filming in the Fall. They neither are going to film SG-1 first and Atlantis second or vice versa but they are still planning to do both movies. I'm so excited..and they will be released some time in the summer of 1010. I haven't been keeping up with all the updates surrounding Stargate as you can tell I totally forgot about the Vancouver Convention but I have been keeping an eye on when the Stargate Atlanits season 5 is coming out on DVD. It's coming out on June 30th. You bet I'll be buying that!!! Take care, Peace!!

Wake up..I miss you!

So the last few days I have kept the daughter up while the son takes his nap. He's a sleeper and he's like me and if he doesn't get his sleep he turns into a cranky butt. The daughter liked this idea staying up and not having quiet time but now she's realizing she actually is missing her brother. She keeps asking me when he's getting up. Oh so funny seeing how she could care less for him any other time. Me, I'm not liking the not having "me" time. I enjoyed the few hours both kids were sleeping but that's what this mom has to do. I need to keep the peace some how so if I have to give up my time well that's what I have to do. It's been pretty good and the daughter's bedtime is slowly getting earlier because of it, it gives the hubby and I more time for each other. So we all kind of win!!!! It's all good. I just found out the Stargate Convention is this weekend in Vancouver, BC. I'm acting like a baby but I wanted to go. Oh how I love Stargate and it's not because I could meet Joe Flanigan really...okay I admit it I could have met Joe Flanigan this weekend. I totally forgot about this convention and they do it every year so maybe when I remember to go Joe Flanigan will be there. Not all the actor's show up but it's fun not that I have ever been to a convention. The hubby and I were going to go to the Burbank Convention for Stargate last November but decided we didn't really want to spend the money. One of these days we'll go to one. I could have met Joe Flanigan this weekend!!!!! Well, I'm tired and Gilmore Girls is on ABC Family at the moment. Why didn't I remember? and I'm always good on keeping up with this kind of news. I guess not!! Take care, Peace!!!!

I'm raising a daughter who is a bully!!

It's so embarrassing. Why???? I was a sweet little girl when I was a kid so I want to believe and I am wondering why is my daughter a BULLY!!!!!!. Okay, my daughter is only a bully to her brother. I feel sorry for the son because he's so sensitive from the beginning and looks up to his sister like an angel and then the girl claws comes out at him and he gets his feelings hurt big time and I have to hear about it with a screaming boy in my ear. Oh my, sigh........ I have tried everything like take her favorite toy away, timeouts, going to bed early and nothing has worked. NOTHING is working!!!! HELP!!!!! WHAT IS A MOTHER TO DO? I don't know what to do about her abusing her little brother. She's so mean and jealous of him. It's been going on for a few weeks and it's been getting ugly like I feel like putting my hands up in the air and walking away or hide in my bedroom but that's not going to help anything. She won't tell me why she abuses her brother. She likes waking him up early in the morning or going into his room during nap time but any other time she treats him like a diseased infested scum ball. My poor little boy and now he thinks hitting is funny which he gets in trouble for and then he cries because he's always getting his feelings hurt. I tried separating them during the day. It seemed like our happy home is a war zone and I don't know how to change the struggle to our fun happy space we once had. Oh I miss those days...okay we really never had a fun happy home and it's all in my head but I can dream can I? My ears hurt and it's all about me, right? I need a solution because I don't want my daughter to be mean and hurtful to her little brother anymore. Oh the tears........Take care, Peace!!!! I need some advice so if you have any please leave a comment and I'll happily will listen.....Please!!!!